The cleanest, best boarding.

[absolutehardness]

used to go to an aol marvel comics chatroom where everybody's screen names were their favorite characters, and they talked like their characters. i was magneto and "dated" rogue for a while. she told me she was in college so i said i was too, but i was in third grade. things ended when we set a chat date for midnight that of course i missed and i said that my college had had a power outage.

good pups

[absolutehardness]

i watched all of stand by me, cock in hand, because i expected that an R rated 80s movie would just have to have tits in it. i remember being real anxious that they weren't going to find a way to work tits into the plot the farther down the tracks they got. then after awhile i just started watching the movie

Self Destructive Zone

[absolutehardness]

My high school had a complex mythopoeia that was based around a call and response structure where various locations in and around the school had folk toponyms. There was a spot in front of the school where they parked a totaled car as some sort of drunk driving PSA, and kids would bash it with sticks or kick in windows and we called that location "bonus round" even years after they moved the car. There was a Payless Shoesource down the street, and the S had burned out on the sign so we called it the "hoe source", but it was always a call and response thing, someone would yell, "PAY LESS!" and someone else would yell, "HOE SOURCE" A lot of it was based on weird nonsense graffiti, and now that I'm thinking about it there was a big part that had to do with 'senior wills' where a senior would leave something to somebody else when they graduated and frequently it would be a location or a word that you would then be in charge of. I was left the hockey benches, which was a set of benches outside the cafeteria that were arranged so that you could play hockey with a crushed soda can. Some people had nicknames or little songs that would go along with them as well. Sometimes it was a generic term that would move to a new person after graduation and sometimes it was specific to an individual and would die when they left. There was some kind of school enforcer who used to be an NFL player who stood between the goth kids and the jocks during lunch and we called him Blade. There was a guy with a mullet, called Mullet, but every time someone said, 'mullet', someone else would say, 'don't box me in!' Lots of it was two or three steps divorced from reality like cockney rhyming slang. There was a guy named Jimmy Carter, and we called him, 'Snoopy' by some roundabout peanuts related logic.

hellphone

[absolutehardness]

One of the most formative moments of my childhood was when my friend's cousin explained the plot of It to us one morning while waiting for the school bus. I must have been 8 or something. The one moment that stuck with me was how It attempted to lure one of the children by posing as a leper who was offering a blow job. That was probably the first moment where I realized that one day I would also want a blowjob, even if it meant being threatened with violence by a leper.

neopolitan

[absolutehardness]

I left my walkman on the couch with Amerikkka's Most Wanted in it and went to play outside. I come back in and my dad is sitting on the couch and stares coldly at me and asks, "Kick the bitch in the tummy?"

nosebleeds

[absolutehardness]

One time I was riding in the car with my dad and he was on his CAR PHONE with one of his store managers and I heard him call her “honey.” I asked him about it after (he was still married to my mom at this point!) and he just kept saying “no I didn’t.” Anyway, she’s my step mother now.

port

[absolutehardness]

my uncle's best friend died at woodstock 99. his last journal entry was just a count of how many boobs he'd seen, and how he was looking forward to seeing more at metallica that day

act five

[absolutehardness]

I asked a girl for her number once and she pretended to be deaf. So I was like "fuck you". A year later though I saw her signing at a party.

SynthesizerPatel

[absolutehardness]

i had a weed dealer who would always text in code, but his code was just writing words backwards, so our exchanges were like "od uoy tnaw ot yub deew" it blew my mind that he thought that this code would hold up in court or something but i played along

cooly

[absolutehardness]

i spent a whole night flirting hard with a twin and then i got drunk-confused on the way home and ended up making out with/fucking the wrong twin (they were NOT identical) I had also fucked their band mate the night before. I think that’s how I met them?

mancubz

[absolutehardness]

The Taiwanese girl I share a toilet with insists I flush every time I piss, if I don't she knocks on my door and forces me to flush while she watches, she also hung up a note on the door that says "please flush the toilet!" I often hear her curse in Taiwanese when she's going into the toilet, I'm not sure why cause I always flush now. Don't really get what all the fuss is about, once I was on a construction site with 40ish workers and they made a game of leaving the toilet in the most disgusting state possible, the winner was some alcoholic who covered the entire inside of the cabin with green diarrhea.

elaine

[absolutehardness]

I never wanted to hug the Disney characters. It's hard to describe my exact concern. Something to do with a fear of vulnerability and disappointment. Whatever it is it's still in there, preventing me from meeting baseball players.

Spoilt Victorian Child

[absolutehardness]

I lost my job once because I 'used my rolling chair in a dangerous manner'. All I did was slide two feet over to a filing cabinet from my desk.

Dead_Wizard

[absolutehardness]

Joined a lot of wrestling e-federations back in the mid-90's on AOL, and had another run in the early 00's... I had a lot of characters. The weirdest was named Mr. Toledo, I never actually had a match with this character because I would always get kicked out before it could happen. This character was gay/desperate/psycho and I would hardly ever get past the first roleplay because I'd come to the ring and say "I'll do anything for a title shot, even suck the (e-fed) president's dick!!" One league never kicked me out, but never gave me matches either, so I got into a feud with real wrestler Steve Blackman in my roleplays. The character eventually died when I also added a David Blaine element to the character. He killed himself by sticking a broomstick up his ass... then I started roleplaying from heaven before I got kicked out. My friend joined several leagues with me as "Mr. Toleto" or "RatTodd/BortLord" as he was later known. He sent out a roleplay that included a picture of a woman performing fellatio on a horse on the first day that you could embed images in AOL emails and got kicked off with multiple TOS violations.

Sam Bash

[absolutehardness]

my mom found drafts of a naked lady drawing i made in the trash, and i said it was a caveman from some snes game

high bias

[absolutehardness]

on my second day living in the berkeley hills i was trying to park my car, and this lady runs out and says "park in front of my drive way, i just pulled in and won't be needing it for the night" there were no spots, so i go for it, and she tells me that since she did me this favor, i should help her carry groceries. so of course i do, and she drives this insane mercedes, oh and as i'm carrying the bags in she starts talking about how she just discovered that she's a descendant of charlemagne and after I'm done bringing the bags in she like makes me kneel and knights me and says i'm her "lord protector". she tells me to sit down for a drink, I'm definitely rolling with this, and says how her mom just died and she just moved in here recently and the reason the whole thing is a mess is because she's re-upholstering all the furniture, she walks me around the house pointing out all the expensive-ass shit she has, and then she's like "lets go downstairs" and the downstairs is this hyper-modern scandinavian-like separate apartment, except that it smells like cat piss because she has like 15 cats living in it, and she says " i am offering you to live in this apartment" (gives me the key to the house which i try to refuse). oh also her 10 year old daughter is practicing piano this whole time we go to the main house again and, she stars telling me that she doesn't feel safe in this neighborhood and that i should sleep there overnight. again I'm rolling with this, also i'm kind of dumb and i do not pick up on any sexual indication until hours later when she uses the phrase "you show me yours and i'll show you mine" (i told her there was a nice view of the city from the hill). she's like, my daughter is going to sleep with me in my bed, why don't you sleep in my daughters bed. i say yes to all this, i guess my curiosity about the situation overcame any instinct against murder, and i kinda just go to sleep. i wake up early in the morning, thinking what the fuck happened, i have to return to normal life and do homework, and i go downstairs trying to sneak out, and she's there on the stairs and she asks where I'm going, and i say i have to go to school, and she starts trying to convince me to stay, saying her father is flying in for the mother's funeral and that i should just hang out as she gets him from the airport, at which point i finally say i have to go and i go. that was the first time we hung out i stopped hanging out with her when she tried to strangle me with some curtain ties to show me how she'd murder her ex-boyfriend. i looked her up and she's a heiress to a well-known fortune, pretty cool, i really fucked this one up because i could be driving an E-class right now

dmitry

[absolutehardness]

in middle school a gf and i would always end up on the phone with the boys we were friends with from school as they were having a sleepover. i remember they all took turns measuring their limp dicks and we measured the width of our boobs (??). very weird.

abs