The Absolute Truth

To write with emotion is the feeding ground of the soul, for me writing is the balm that soothes and heals the cracks of my conscious makeup. What is written or spoken may never be in perfect symmetry, but it is a preferred way. A purposeful way.

[absolutetruth2019]

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My first recorded track sung with my dear friend Karim Barolia who also did the editing and mixing.

Of course all credit for the lyrics and music goes to U2 and Boyce Avenue.

[absolutetruth2019]

Book Ideas - A New Prison System

I was thinking, which I always am anyway. While at work, which keeps my hands busy and my mind free to wander. It occurred to me what if instead of the idea of prison we have now where all persons convicted are shoved into complexes where they mostly do nothing. There are repurposed into being the grunt workers of society. The snow shoveler's, garbage men/women, farmhands. Stuff like that. Just a thought running round my noggin. Have to develop it more and figure out how to balance away the people who are already working those jobs. 

[absolutetruth2019]

Words that Flow - April 12th, 2014

We plan as we wake, and sleep as the the time we wake passes.

We dissolve our memories in afternoons and mornings spent in repetitive drive.

The constant call of the voices we hear, in all their effective gloom.

Stop the bearing of a sound for a moment,

silence is comfort to my singular moment.

The scrape of my foot against pavement startles me from that moment,

but seems to slow in a fraction of the moment.

Farther than the sense of me.

Sound in excess volume seems to promote a solidarity in me that I cannot express,

the words on paper seem to me like an outpour of letters.

A convex and topsy-turvical occurrence that is the existential being.

- E.M. Dsouza

[absolutetruth2019]

An Amusing Thought - Mint Chocolate Chip

I find that sweet things aren't necessarily for me. Too much sugar makes my tastebuds feel overwhelmed.

It always needs something to balance it. Something in the opposite direction, that can contrast the sugar.

As this thought topic is Mint Chocolate Chip, it can be inferred that I am Mint Chocolate Chip. Slightly sweet but with an undertone of seriousness.

Here is how it comes to me.

The chocolate is milk chocolate slightly rich texture, charming and suited to everyone.

The Mint is freshness, starkness, bold and unrelenting.

And finally the Chips now these are usually milk, but I prefer dark chocolate. Dark chocolate is sensuous and serious, it is firm and steadfast.

Of course these are the positives to the parallels I find in my favourite Ice Cream Flavour. The negative can be downright influencing. 

Milk chocolate is slightly shallow, prey to the opinion of everyone. 

Mint is sometimes to sharp, too bold, it can be rude, unpleasant and bitter.

Dark Chocolate Chips can be obsessive and unrelenting. Too focused on personal desires.

I find myself in all this, in all the good and bad.

If you want me to do an analysis on your favourite Ice Cream Flavour i'd be happy to.

-E.M. Dsouza

[absolutetruth2019]

Verbal Vomit - The peculiars of having conversation through Skype

My feelings are very ambiguous towards most people. Honestly weather or not any feelings of love exist in my heart & mind for my family is debatable.

So today my dad called me on Skype. He does this once in a while, he travels a lot on business.

So there, in front of the laptop sitting. I answer the call. Im not paying much attention and obviously he's trying to make conversation. Almost immediately the conversation turns towards my brother "his son". He starts saying that I should spend more time with him and make him read more books blah, blah, blah.

This is the way 85% of conversations with my dad go. Always about my brother and how I should be more understanding and caring and attentive. FUCK YOU pops.

You are not the one taking care of a 10 year old everyday, your not cooking and cleaning and making shure his bloddy homework is done. I AM.

Okay, so long story short, my inattentiveness to the usual conversation got me into trouble. We got into a sort of argument, more like he got pissed and ended the call before I could say anything.

Here is what he typed verbatim immediately after "This way u talk, I will not call u any more, this is too much on your part the burden to talk, I m he only one calling. All the best to your happiness."

Severe reaction much. I understand you are doing what your doing for us. But seriously, self righteous much. 

Firstly, you have never ever sat down with him to help him with his homework, studies, reading etc. 

Secondly, I am raising my brother more that you & mom are.

I asked my brother what he misses mom for and he said, "I miss her because she sleeps next to me". He misses comforting contact, I guess. If he needs any sort of help he goes to me first.

Thirdly, you left me in charge over here i'm 20 not 2. Have some faith in my bloddy judgment. Ive looked after him before when you were gone.

Honestly, I just want to be free of this burden of responsibility of having to look after my siblings. 

My preference is for calm environments where I can be myself and live my life without severe restrictions on everything I do.

Life is life, I will get out of this. I believe in that.

-E.M. Dsouza

[absolutetruth2019]

An Amusing Thought - Faux Caffine Mink

It has recently occurred to me that although I profess to be a coffe-holic, in truth the ratio of coffee: other drinks is surprisingly disproportionate.

That is not to say that coffee is avoided by me, but the realization... I have become a faux caffeine mink (i.e. profess to love coffee and is supposedly a coffee aficionado) like the mink we think is real but is probably some animal friendly replica bought at the neighbourhood animal friends shop.

It has made me realize how we as people place create and maintain these little boxes where everyone has to have a certain favourite something. 

Like preferring felines to dogs, white chocolate to chocolate, jam(jelly) to marmalade (seriously how can people eat that horrid sweet stuff), it will go on and on.

l honestly don't know what comes out of my mouth 99% of the time. Whenever a conversation starts, talking bullshit about the topic seems to come naturally to me. e.g. you know strawberries aren't actually berries and then somehow relate that to the evolution of something or the other.

Somedays, it is strongly felt in myself the wish that speaking more thoughtfully could be practiced. Been trying for ages but it doesn't seem to work, thinking before talking that is.

So all I can say to end this line of inquiry is thinking before talking to me is like swallowing before chewing

-E.M. Dsouza

[absolutetruth2019]

Words that Flow - Untitled.1

to cry, to weep with tears that do not pour

          ... is that still to be acknowledged.

the rears that never fall, are the the stars that shine 

          ... but never to be seen.

like the fall of dew in the evening, unrealized until daylight

tis sorrow so fragile, too formidable to weep

the pull of dreams, the tug of expectations

Love in my left hand, resentment on my right.

tis the exhalation of burden and the intake of guilt.

tomorrow always feels so far out of my reach

tomorrow always breaths away from me...

- E.M. Dsouza

[absolutetruth2019]

Words that Flow - Repeat On Pause

On the burrows of tomorrow,

On the back of Methuselah,

Sprouted of the fall;

Winged, agitated

Let me be free.

Ricochet off the ledge of despair,

Spread open the lesions of memory,

Bricks are a wall not a wall a brick,

Let my spirit roam away from me.

Essence of my time on a shop window,

Give me a measure of harmony that will fold,

Repeat the pause of the moment that I am,

Let me in myself,

Let me be free.

- E.M. Dsouza

[absolutetruth2019]

Remnant of Dreams - Of the Giant Man-eating Mushroom

Around the time of my 9th birthday, the strangest dream happened to visit me.

School was in session, middle of the day, sitting at my seat in the middle. A sudden urge to look outside the window hit me, so I looked.There was nothing there but some sense of doom kept on hitting me and a feeling of intense fear surrounded my next actions.

Rushing down to the main floor of the building, things started to get strange. The walls were covered in veins of white stuff that seemed to be growing and expanding by the second. The source of which seemed to be the end of the corridor where the exit lay, the only exit out of the school.

Panic hit me, followed shortly by a bout of claustrophobia as I watched the white veiny fluff grow. It was growning alarmingly fast and so I did what at the time felt the normal reaction to the situation... Run, ran all the way to the top of the building.

At the roof, when I looked over the side, the fluff seemed to be making its way out through the windows too now. The screams of my classmates and fellow students where ringing around me. The surrounding seemed encase in a permanent veneer of panic and chaos.

It was eating them whatever it was, it was swallowing them whole.

So doing what my instincts told me to do I jumped off the roof.

The fall was unexpectedly slow, the closer the ground appeared. The more the realisation hit me, death is here. 

Hit the ground.....and woke up

-EM Dsouza

[absolutetruth2019]

An Amusing Thought - Reality is Created

It the sobering effect that reality has on me that makes me want to cry, often I am lost between worlds that coexist around us. In the music, the written world, even the works of art and television.

They create for me a world with no boundaries, no limits and no expectation. So it always hits me real hard when reminders of reality start their descent into my routine.

I am not a dreamer, no matter what is said in the above paragraph. Realistic and pragmatism are the core essentials of my being.

It's just that the richness that often saturates the written, spoken and created word fulfills in me a deep emotional need that is hard to satisfy in reality.

Longing for often just a couple of minutes more to linger in the silence and complexity of my thoughts. To wallow in the vast scope of life that is gathered when we record and put down our creativity into any media.

It is a longing and want often often unfulfilled. But we must all live in some version of reality, we must always wake up. 

Well I am awake, and my reality is my creation.

-EM Dsouza

[absolutetruth2019]

Verbal Vomit - The day of the rant at a 10 year old boy

Today has been both ordinary and extraordinary as is everyday that most people live on.

My parents are both traditionalist's. The kind of people that believe that a man's a man' and a woman a woman, and their ain't no fudging them up.

Today it hit me how bad its gotten.

My mother was lecturing my brother today about the responsibilities of being "a man"... he is 10 years old. I have often been lambasted by my parents comments that feel like they come right out of "The Sexist Handbook" i.e. all that start with "Your a girl/ boy...(insert sexist comment here)".

It just hit me that it's probably never gonna change, that my parents will probably change. It's emotionally wrecking for me cause, they actually don't think their wrong. They don't see that what they are doing is emotionally abusive and at 20 i'm still feeling the sting of all they years of their commentary on my actions they think are reflective of my gender.

My parents were both brought up in traditionalist households (patriarchal) and a major part of their personality and outlook in life reflects this. They subscribe to the "Man in the House" mentality which is a load of hogwash, but to each their own.

It's not that they are bad parents, or purposefully harmfull towards me and my siblings. It's that their idea of raising children does not fit the new age we live in. Not that the Old system is obsolete, I just think that time change and sometimes the "obey thy parent's every word" is not something any child is willing to follow nowadays.

I have a deep feeling's of respect towards my elders in part because of my upbringing. It was taught to me to take blessings and listen, "dont talk just listen and reply only if they ask you a question" as my father/ mother used to say.

To this day I find it hard to start and maintain a conversation with people considered my elders i.e. anyone around my parents age and older. 

Well we all live the best we and make do with what we have, and I guess My parents deal with the situations their in the only way they know how. Hopefully, they will someday understand.

-EM Dsouza