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WHO/WHAT I WILL WRITE FOR:

Product Placement
Fai_Ryy
"I'm Dorothy Gale from Kansas"
Lint Roller? I Barely Know Her

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The Bright Sessions
The Bowery Presents
Game of Thrones Daily
taylor price

ellievsbear
occasionally subtle

roma★
Cosimo Galluzzi

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bliss lane
Phantogram Three
Claire Keane
I'd rather be in outer space 🛸
The Stonewall Inn
PUT YOUR BEARD IN MY MOUTH
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@absolutewhore101
Requests Are: Currently Closed (opening soon!)
MASTERLIST LINKED AT BOTTOM
WHO/WHAT I WILL WRITE FOR:
Stranger Things
-Steve Harrington
-Eddie Munson
-Jonathan Byers
-Nancy Wheeler
-Robin Buckely
-I will not write for any of the kids, regardless of the actors age, as they are depicted as minors
Marvel
-Bucky Barnes
-Steve Rogers
-Tony Stark
-Bruce Banner
-Matt Murdock
-Natasha Romanoff
-Please let me know if there's someone else you'd like, the MCU is massive and I cannot type out that many people :)
5 Seconds of Summer
-Ashton Irwin
-Luke Hemmings
-Michael Clifford
-Calum Hood
Lord of the Rings / The Hobbit*
-Haldir
-Lindir
-Aragorn
-Thranduil
-Legolas
*I've only seen the LOTR/Hobbit movies, I haven't read the books. So, if you request a specific book character that I don't know, I can give you an author who would be more than happy to write it for you !
Criminal Minds
-Spencer Reid
-Aaron Hotchner
-Derek Morgan
-Luke Alvez
-Emily Prentiss
-Jennifer Jareau
-Penelope Garcia
-Tara Lewis
The Hunger Games
-Finnick Odair
-Peeta Mellark
Harry Potter
-Harry Potter
-Hermione Granger
-Ron Weasley
-Draco Malfoy
-Fred & George Weasley
-Sirius Black
-Remus Lupin
WHAT I WON'T WRITE:
Smut
Romantic pairings with minors
Anything gross
If there's anything you don't know, send the request anyway, and I'll let you know!
GENRES/TROPES:
Fluff
Angst
Paternal fics (mother/father characters)
Platonic
Send requests!
Link to my masterlist !!
Can't Sleep
A/N: Using this fic to soft-launch my return to fanfiction! It has been months (maybe years??) since I last posted. I'll make an official return post depending on how this fic does - think of this like me testing the waters. Truly want to send out a heartfelt thank you to everyone who continued to read my fics and interact with my blog in my absence!
Pairing: Aaron Hotchned x F!Reader
Summary: You have a hard time sleeping leading up to a case. All Aaron wants to do is help you sleep, but with the idea of HR hovering over you, will you let him?
Warnings:
Word Count: 1.5K
Minors DNI!
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It was the fourth time that day that Aaron had seen you wince, your eyes quickly darting around the room to make sure no one caught it.
Expertly, Aaron averted his eyes right before yours would have met his own.
The feeling of an ice pick stabbing through your skull was all you could think about, distracting you from the case debrief taking place around you.
The rest of the team remained diligently engaged with the discussion, offering their ideas about the unsub, or pointing out details the rest of the team might have missed.
You tuned back in to the sound of Hotch’s voice calling, “Wheel’s up in 30.”
You moved quickly through the bullpen to your desk, grabbing the bottle of emergency tylenol you kept in your go-bag.
“Agent Y/L/N.” Hotch called from the doorway of his office, effectively summoning you into what you could only imagine would be some kind of intervention.
Derek ‘ooohed’ as you moved past his desk, and you gave him a lighthearted eye roll in return.
“Sounds like someone is in trouble.” Rossi commented, voice dripping with teasing.
You closed the door to Hotch’s office behind you, taking a seat in the chair across from his desk.
The two of you may have been dating for some years now, but the need to remain professional in front of the watchful eyes of the rest of the team was always there.
“Are you okay, Y/N?” He started, cutting straight to the point.
“Fine, Aaron.” You stated simply, the edge in your voice giving away that you weren’t telling him everything.
“You winced 4 times this morning in debrief alone. That was less than 20 minutes. Clearly something is bothering you, and I can’t help unless you tell me what it is.”
You held his eye contact for a moment, debating if you really wanted to share what had been going on with him right now.
Eventually, you sighed.
“There’s this… guy… in my apartment complex.” You started. Aaron’s eyes narrowed.
“He, um, he made a pretty lewd comment to me the other day. I don’t really want to repeat it or even really think about it.” You rambled.
“I don’t see how this connects to this morning.” Aaron stated, confusion evident in his voice.
“I saw him the other night. Standing in the courtyard, staring at my window.” You paused, taking a deep breath. “I wasn’t inside yet. I had gone out to my car to grab my charger, and wanted to cut through the courtyard back to my building. But then he was there, and he was just staring, so I turned around and went back to my car.”
Aaron gave you a deadpan look.
“If you’re about to tell me that you slept in your car the other night-”
“No!” You exclaimed. “God, no, Aaron. Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Of course not. But I think you were scared, and we don’t always make rational decisions when we’re scared, Y/N. It’s part of being human.” He told you.
You nodded, looking down at your hands in your lap as you fiddled with them.
“I haven’t really been able to sleep since then.” You admitted. “I haven’t opened any of my curtains, I haven’t left my apartment once I’m home after work. I even bought one of those door security bars that I put on every night.”
Aaron watched you intently, trying to broach the conversation he’d been meaning to have with you for weeks now.
A knock on his office door stopped him before he could say anything.
“Are you two ready?” Rossi asked.
You got up without another word, silently wiping the tears that had gathered in your eyes.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Welcome in!” The chipper motel owner greeted as the team walked into the cozy lobby.
“Hotchner.” Aaron greeted her back, politely shaking hands with her.
“Well, can I just say, we are pleased as punch to have you here! There is one… small… problem though.” She grimaced.
The team exchanged glances, but your eyes were focused on the incredibly interesting pattern on the carpet below your shoes.
“This is a small town, agents. And not one that we often get visitors in.” She trailed off. “I’m afraid you’re going to have to double up on rooms.”
“Dibs on Derek!” Penelope said cheerfully. You always loved having her along with you on cases.
Emily’s eyes moved to you, but Aaron’s deep voice cut her off.
“Y/L/N will be with me.” He declared, leaving no room for arguments or opinions from anyone else.
You absentmindedly followed him down the hall towards your room, scuffing your feet as you moved.
Aaron unlocked the door, pushing it open but stepping aside to allow you in first.
Your eyes raked over the room, honing in on the curtains covering the large window located opposite the door.
“Are you okay with this?” Aaron asked, wanting to ensure that he hadn’t crossed a boundary by offering to room with you.
You turned to look at him, taking in the hesitation in his gaze.
“Of course, I’m okay with this.” You gave him a smile. “I can, uh, I can take the floor.”
“You just told me you’re okay with this, and now you’re offering to sleep on the floor?”
“Oh, come on, Aaron. The two of us sharing a room period probably violates some HR statute. Sharing a bed together? Imagine if someone on the team saw us!”
“Why would someone else be coming in here while we’re sleeping?” He asked you.
You sighed exasperatedly, running your hand down your face.
You knew he was right.
“I’m going to take a shower.”
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The last thing you expected to see when you emerged from the bathroom was Aaron lying on the floor next to the bed, thin pillow under his head and a scratchy blanket barely covering his entire body.
“This is not what I said. What are you doing? Why are you down there?”
Aaron sat up slowly, allowing the blanket to fall from where it was covering his torso.
“Y/N, you’ve had a hard enough time sleeping recently. The least I can do is offer you the bed.” He smiled shyly.
You thinned your lips into a straight line, averting your eyes as you sat on the edge of the bed facing him.
“Did you notice?” You started. “That all of the girls this unsub is targeting… they all look like me.”
Aaron paused a second before nodding, gravely admitting that he had noticed the same thing without saying a word.
“I’m scared, Aaron. I can’t sleep at home, I can’t sleep here…” You trailed off, the tears from earlier springing back into your eyes.
Aaron was off the floor immediately, moving to sit next to you on the bed.
“Please, don’t make me sleep on the floor. I can stay on my side of the bed, but I know that you’ll feel safer if you know I’m up here.”
Aaron was all but begging at this point, needing to keep you close to him for safety as much as he knew you needed him there as well.
You simply stood from the bed, walking around to the other side, and laid down beneath the covers.
“Goodnight, Aaron.” You said quietly.
Aaron reached over and turned off the lamp on his bedside table, casting the room in complete darkness.
Thirty minutes had passed before Aaron finally broke his promise and moved towards you.
You inhaled sharply at Aaron’s hand finding its home on your waist, letting out a breath as his chest settled closely against your back.
“I know you’re not sleeping,” he started, “your breathing hasn’t slowed down at all. Let me help.”
You didn’t respond, but simply relaxed against him. His arm moved to fully capture your waist, tugging you backwards until there was no space left between the two of you, your legs tangling together.
Without realizing it, your eyelids fell shut, and your brain finally went quiet.
The sound of Aaron’s phone ringing woke you out of your much needed slumber.
Of course. I mean come on, what time is it? 2, 3AM?
Aaron quickly muted the sound, his nose nuzzling against the back of your neck.
“Come on, sweetheart.” He said sweetly, pressing a kiss to the crown of your head. “It’s almost 7, we have to be at the station in less than an hour.”
You turned your head as much as you could, meeting his eyes as he lifted up onto his elbow.
“It’s 7 already?” You paused. “I slept through the night?”
Aaron pressed a tender kiss to your forehead, dropping his forehead down to connect it with yours.
Now, Aaron thought, would be the perfect time for that conversation.
“Move in with me.” He stated simply.
Your eyes widened as your hand landed on his chest, pushing him back slightly.
“What?”
He licked his lips before they morphed into a smile, crows feet by his eyes becoming more prominent.
“I mean it. Move in with me. Never sleep alone again.”
You looked at him.
And looked at him.
And looked at him.
Then, a smile split your face in two, the warmth of it hitting Aaron straight in the chest as he took you in.
“Okay.”
“Okay?” He repeated.
“Okay. Yes. Yes, Aaron. I would love to move in with you.”
The two of you laughed as Aaron dropped his weight fully on top of you, basking in the idea of taking the next step together.
mad about you
pairing: Jack Abbot x lawyer!reader summary: it was supposed to be a one-night stand but Jack can’t stop thinking about you. what he expects the least is for you to arrive at his ER — and not as a patient. (or, alternatively: Jack meets the right person at the right time. and he lets love in)
warnings: 🔞 descriptions of injuries / smut (some teasing, fingering, p in v), Jack being touch-starved and a little rusty (or so he thinks ;). an unexpected amount of domestic fluff, mentions of Jack losing his wife and being shy about his prosthesis / words: 17K / author’s note: I love me a bossy reader but most importantly, I wanted to write someone who can appreciate Jack for the hot man that he is (yes, I got carried away with smut and softness... OH WELL) ♡ {read on AO3}
There is a feeling that’s been growing roots in Jack — it’s agitation that’s akin to premonition. His recent shifts have been too quiet, uneventful, downright boring. With hands trained to save lives, Jack has to spend his nights treating mild burns and accidental cuts, a few drunkards with bruises and concussions, appendicitis being the most exciting diagnosis he made this week. Any sane doctor would be glad to get a break, but Jack finds it annoying.
Because he needs work to keep his head busy, to have something else occupy his thoughts. He wants his hands sweating in gloves, covered in blood — so he’d have an excuse to wash them clean, so he’d get a chance to scrub off the feeling of your body under his fingers—
Jack shakes his head, a movement barely visible, quick like a flinch. He tries shaking off the memories of you — and he keeps failing. Because it feels like they are tucked away in every corner of his flat, and even when exhaustion manages to drag him into sleep, you are the only thing he dreams of. He always wakes up hard. His bedcovers all wet, breath heavy, mind clouded, heart pounding. And what he brims with is not lust but yearning, so strong that he’d go to the other side of town on foot if he could get another chance to see you.
But he’s got no address he can come to, and no phone number he can dial just to hear your voice.
So Jack saddles himself with work — however temporary this fix is, he’s got no other in the meantime. He picks up extra hours, covers extra patients. It isn’t nearly enough. And he is mildly annoyed at this predicament he’s stuck in, at the repeating cycle of the same bland days — nothing to challenge him or bring a speckle of relief. Or keep his mind from wandering back to that moment with you — it’s not the filthiest he can remember but the one he wishes to relive the most:
the hair around your face is damp, and you’re a little breathless — he feels your chest heaving, still pressed to his, arms wrapped around his neck, a tight embrace neither of you wants to break. The bedroom’s dark but he forgot to draw the curtains, and the gloaming light traces your curves and sparkles on your skin that’s glistening with sweat, still heated in every place he touched it. And Jack’s completely spent but something’s kindling in his ribcage — a fire breathed into the embers, the warmth he thought he’d never feel again — it’s growing every time he looks at you — and every time you glance right back at him, and smile at him, and kiss him, and—
“Will you stop fidgeting?” Dana snaps at him mid-yawn. “It’s 7 am, and just looking at you gives me a headache.”
“Then look somewhere else,” Jack flings back. He instantly feels guilty and puts the tablet down. He doesn’t know where to put his hands, fingers unwittingly tapping on the table.
“Oh, someone’s snappy,” but she doesn’t take offence — instead she turns her chair to him, eyes slightly narrowed. “You’ve been walking around all tense and brooding these past few weeks, don’t think I haven’t noticed. Wanna talk about it?”
“It’s nothing,” Jack mumbles. He almost grimaces at his own lie, at how far from reality it is. So he grudgingly sprinkles some truth in: “I guess I’m just bored. Haven’t got much to do. It’s been too qui—”
Dana springs out of her chair and covers his mouth with her palm. “Nope. My shift just started and you already want to jinx it? How about you save that enthusiasm until the night rolls in, and then you can have planes falling from the skies for all I care.”
“I see you finally took matters into your own hands,” Robby strides in with his backpack and takes off the sunglasses, his brown eyes on Dana. “Was he trying to pass on his existential crisis?”
“Can we muzzle him?”
“And put him on a leash? I thought about it. But he will probably escape, and we’ll have an angry dog on the loose and barking,” he grins, gaze darting to Abbot, and Dana laughs.
“You think you’re so fucking funny,” Jack mumbles.
His agitation ebbs a little — enough for him to take a breath as he stretches his back. But your touches must be etched into his muscles because he’s momentarily reminded of your fingertips ghosting his shoulder blades, of your lips trailing for the pulse point on his neck — and what was once a bliss is now a torment he is powerless against. Abbot exhales with exasperation.
The phone rings. Dana loses her smile and gives Jack a glare. “This better not be a mass casualty event,” she whispers before picking it up. But her concerns aren’t brought into existence — her face is only half-focused, mostly apathetic as she informs:
“A shooting at the county court. One victim, GSW to the chest and —” her brows knit together at whatever details she’s receiving. “So it’s two?... Well, it ain’t nuclear physics, just count them. I’d like to know how many people we’re getting... Alrighty, we’ll do the counting ourselves,” she hangs up and clicks her tongue.
McKay runs by to say hi before resuming the heated conversation she is having on the phone. Langdon comes in unhurriedly, hands in his pockets, his eyes drawn to the board. Santos is next, Whitaker trailing after her — he’s always half-asleep, she’s never not excited to get to work.
“Any interesting cases this morning?”
“Waiting for a GSW. Apparently, the main witness on some case — shot in the chest and leg, it’s not looking good. Said they couldn’t use a D-fib on him because he’s coming with a company.”
Robby sends Dana an inquiring glance. “What is that supposed to mean?”
“Fuck if I know. I haven’t even gotten my first cup of coffee yet,” she looks at Jack — pensive, stiff, barely listening to her — and snaps her fingers in his face. “Hey, midnight ranger, isn’t it time for you to clock out? We’ve got a whole team, we’ll manage. Go home.”
“I plan on doing that once I finish the paperwork,” he replies flatly, tapping on the screen.
“If that’s what you are into, you can do mine too. Wanna also file my taxes while you’re at it?”
“I’ll gladly tell the IRS to lock you up for tax fraud to get you off my back,” Abbot deadpans, earning a dry laugh from her.
“Gunshot is boring,” Langdon muses.
Dana’s laugh turns into a groan. “Not this again. Why can’t you guys enjoy the peace and quiet?”
“I mean, if he doesn’t die, he’ll go straight to the OR, not much for us to do. I was hoping for something more—” he suddenly stops talking. There is a sound of wheels gliding across the floor, and a pause sweeps over the hall — the conversations die down, the movements halted — and then Jack hears Frank muttering: “What the hell?”
So Abbot absentmindedly follows his gaze. And just like everyone around him, he is left speechless.
The gunshot victim is a man: mid-sixty, stubby-looking, pale-faced and breathing only by some miracle. But he isn’t wheeled in alone — there is a woman sitting right on top of him, her stark white blouse doused with blood, one of her hands pressed to his chest, three of her fingers shoved into his wound. The crimson droplets glisten in her hair, the same color smeared over her hands up to the wrists, but she’s not scared or appalled. There’s not a single crack in her composure, no quiver in her body or her face —
Jack recognizes you in barely a heartbeat.
And he is frozen not out of surprise. He’s marveling at you like you’re under a spotlight and he’s in a daze, and there is no one else left in the hall. Because you look the exact same you did all these days back, the first time that he saw you. The one time he’ll never forget.
Jack met you over three weeks ago (24 days to be exact, not that he’s been counting). It was supposed to be a one-night stand—
No, actually, scratch that.
It was an evening Abbot didn’t plan on spending with anyone but a glass of whiskey. It was the only remedy that he could think of after the shift he had.
A couple was brought in at 4 am: in their early thirties, newlywed — their car swerved off the road, rolled over four times before hitting a tree. The guy died at the scene, his wife crashed twice on the way to the ER. She was three months pregnant. Jack spent oven an hour coding her; she spent twice as much time in the OR. Two blood transfusions, one kidney out, three broken ribs, dozen of stitches on her stomach and her head. He watched her being transferred to the ICU, then he made calls to notify both families: there were heartbreaking cries, prayers he feared would be left unanswered. Jack came up to the roof to catch his breath — the air outside was moist and stifling, the sky draped with the clouds the sun couldn’t plough through. It was his day off but he didn’t leave — instead Jack walked the stairs and halls until his legs ached, until he could do nothing else but pass out in the call room.
He wakes up in the evening, hardly rested — the female patient still hasn’t woken up. And there is a chance she never will. But if she does, he knows that the reality will hurt her worse than broken ribs and bruises.
When he walks out of the ER, the rain is pouring and his head is pounding, and he thinks if he just goes home, the silence would feel too suffocating to let him fall asleep. He’s too distraught to change out of scrubs, he cares not about the cold droplets hitting his face like needles. He wipes them off and runs into the closest bar — he’s met with semi-darkness and cool air, no blaring music and no flashing neon signs. The quiet is comforting, veiled with the faint sounds of jazz, the place smelling of wood and orange peel and liquor. It’s too early for the crowds to swarm it, but Jack pays no attention to the few people that came in. He strides straight to the counter and orders whiskey — double with no ice, then picks a small table in the farthest corner. He’s a few steps away from reaching it when his eye catches on your blouse — silk, silvery, fitted so well around your waist. But he doesn’t allow his gaze to linger. That’s not what he came for, that’s not what he is interested in.
He sits down with a heavy sigh and a heavy heart. He takes the first sip, then the second one. The alcohol spreads slowly through him, wicks up the bitterness of disappointment threatening to clot his blood like poison. Jack breathes a little easier by the time he drinks half of his glass. His gaze sweeps over his surroundings — distractedly, uncaring — before it’s drawn to you again.
You’re sitting on a bar stool with your back to him. You brought your work with you — a small black laptop on the counter, the keyboard soundless under your fingers, eyes on the screen. Occasionally, you reach for the same lowball glass — with ice and lemon, half-full — he guesses it’s a gin tonic. You are too locked in to take notice of what’s going on around you. With each new minute Jack finds it harder to look away.
He tells himself the lighting is to blame — it scatters all over your blouse, drips over every crinkle, making the fabric look like molten metal, like white gold. It’s neatly tucked into the waistband of your pants: dark blue, formal, perfectly tight around your thighs. His eyes snag on them — he feels a flash of hunger, a heat that swiftly spills into his bloodstream.
On the periphery of his vision, Jack sees a guy coming your way. He wears a smirk, eyes roaming over you — he takes a moment to appreciate your curves too, before his gaze lazily moves higher, to your face and to whatever you’re working on —
And then he yelps.
A few heads turn in his direction, but you don’t move a muscle, don’t even send him a half-glance. The guy abruptly loses all his feigned determination. But Jack’s determined like no other.
Because now he is curious. Now he has a better reason to keep looking.
Jack straightens on his seat. He searches eagerly for clues — but you don’t give them out easily: no badge, no uniform, no logo of the company you work for. And there’s confidence in your relaxed pose and posture, a hint of cockiness in the slight curve of your back. Two more guys try to hit on you: the first peeks through your shoulder and retreats with a horrified grimace, the second one manages a word or two before you cut him off, and he has to leave with nothing.
And Jack doesn’t even try to rationalize his actions — the pull he feels is the mere reason he stands up, glass in his hand, eyes fixed on you.
He gets the explanation for everyone’s dismay when your laptop’s screen comes into his view. It’s crime scene photos — bright, brutal, bloody: a dead body, deep and frantic wounds left by a knife. Jack’s seen enough of those in real life to not be bothered. But he thinks it’s impressive how unbothered you are.
He leans on the counter, one stool in between you, his voice nonchalant. “That looks like someone’s getting buried in a closed casket.”
“Yes, 17 stab wounds do that to a person,” you reply curtly, fingers flying over the keys.
His eyes flick down your profile and over every feature of your face — your cool demeanor invites no conversation. His gaze darts back at the stained flesh and scattering of cuts.
“It’s not the stabbing that killed her though.”
“Correct,” you still refuse to spare him a glance.
But Jack’s not used to giving up so fast. And maybe he is champing at the bit to glimpse a part of you no one in here was in luck to see.
“Most wounds are in her stomach area. Was she pregnant?”
Your fingers pause at his remark — for just a moment, yet he notices. A corner of his mouth curls. You keep typing but your voice loses a layer of indifference.
“Careful, you already sound smarter than the entire defense team.”
“Now I am tempted to continue. The suspect is a male, I reckon? A boyfriend or a husband?”
You huff a laugh at his insistence. Jack takes half a step closer. And then you turn to get a look at him, at that man who dared to move into your space.
Your gaze is direct, dissecting — like he is on the operation table, and you’re about to masterfully cut him into parts. It is a gaze that doesn’t make apologies for bluntness, it can effortlessly give warnings and make treats. But you choose to show him mercy.
“She wanted to get married. Naively hoped a baby would encourage him to.”
“And he never wanted kids,” Abbot deduces, not hiding his disapproval. “Did he try an impromptu mix of pills for an abortion?”
“That would require some research and also him having more than one brain cell,” your disapproval sounds like dislike. “He just emptied half a bag of heroin into her tea. She, unsurprisingly, OD’ed. Instead of calling 911, he tried to cover it up.”
“So his one brain cell wasn’t present,” Jack gives a snort of disgust. “And what’s his lawyer’s take?”
“He claims she took the drugs herself, then caused a fight. While being on the brink of death, yes,” there is a furrow in your brow, your tone sharp, simmering. “He wants it classified as a third-degree murder, so in a decade his asshole client can walk out on the promise of good behavior. I want him charged with two counts of first-degree murder. Life sentence with no parole.”
You take your cocktail and finish it in barely two sips, then ask the bartender for a third one. You catch Jack’s gaze, and he notes incredulously: “You seem stone-cold sober.”
“Can say the same about you.”
He looks down at his whiskey like he almost forgot he had it. “It’s actually my first.”
You look at him like you are making an incision and carefully assessing his internal damage. When you get your drink — poured over lemon slices and crushed ice — you swiftly move the glass to him. “You should give mine a try.”
“I’m not sure mixing drinks is a good idea—”
“Trust me on this,” you insist, eyes darting to the badge on his black scrubs, the syllables of his last name softly rolling off your tongue. “Dr. Abbot.”
The sound ripples through his chest, like you just pulled a heartstring that no one’s touched in years. “Jack,” he corrects. “Less formal.”
He asks for your name in return and takes your cocktail, gives it a swirl then has a sip. Jack raises his eyebrow at the taste. He tries some more to get a confirmation.
“This is... plain water?”
You nod with a small smile, without a hint of shame. “I don’t enjoy being drunk. But if I sit here with a bottle of Perrier, that would raise questions.”
“So you ask to make it look fancy, like a cocktail,” Jack figures out, then chuckles. “And you suggest that I stop drinking.”
“You haven’t touched your glass in the last 10 minutes. My guess is that you don’t really want to.”
When your eyes meet, he feels like you can see right through, bypassing all the locks he’s been meticulously putting over his emotions. It’s strange, it’s very new to him. It’s also somewhat thrilling.
Jack finally sits on the bar stool next to you. There is a small space between his legs and yours — he doesn’t cross it. You don’t move away. His hand stays clasped around his glass.
“The first half of it felt nice. Like maybe it could dull things down a little. But I don’t like getting drunk, too.”
“Having trouble at work?” you ask simply, with no pity and no pressure.
He thinks it over like he is looking at the baggage — of his past and present, bad and worse, deciding what bag he can open first. Which one’s less scary. “I work night shifts. The last one was pretty rough.”
But you prefer to start with the worst one — eyes trained on the ring he’s wearing. “So you came here to blow off some steam instead of coming home to your wife?”
The words hit him — not like a punch but like a stream of ice-cold water. He isn’t hurt, he’s startled — by how fast you notice things, how straightforward you are with voicing them. Nothing escapes your eye, no matter how deep it’s been buried. And it’s the grave that he almost laid himself in.
The ring was once a promise, then a wound — after his wife’s death, the metal band only reminded of the pain, of how impossible it seemed to ever heal. He knew the exact time she passed, he counted days and hours he managed to survive alone. It was unbearable and crushing, it felt hopeless. Now he only thinks about her once a year.
Jack doesn’t ponder over his answer for too long. He shares the truth as if he’s offering his palms — so you can read the lines and see the scars he usually keeps hidden.
“I’m a widower. This is just...” he twists the ring slowly with his thumb. “Out of a habit, I suppose.”
You turn your whole body to him, your back straight and hands locked together. Like you are about to interrogate him. “And how long you’ve been a widower?”
Jack doesn’t break eye contact. “Five years.”
“What happened?” you hold his gaze with ease.
“Glioblastoma. She was gone in seven months.”
He sees it flicker across your face — the ache of sympathy for him after what he’s been through. The unexpected understanding of what it feels like.
“That is a tough one. It doesn’t leave much at the end,” your voice softens and so does your gaze. “It’s hard to watch someone die like that. I’m really sorry.”
“Someone you knew also had it?” he takes another guess.
He’s on a lucky streak — you drop your gaze because he’s right again. He wishes that he wasn’t.
“My mentor, the first man I worked for. The best one, I think,” your finger traces the cold rim of your glass. Jack almost reaches out to take your hand. “He was too busy to take care of himself, got diagnosed when it was too late for any treatments. He made it to eight months.”
Jack moves his whiskey to your water, clinks his glass with yours. The look you give him offers an apology. He doesn’t need it — the words he gives you only offer kindness:
“I’m sorry you had to see that too.”
There is a lull in your conversation but it’s not awkward, isn’t heavy. It feels like clearing up the space the grief used to take up. It feels a little bit like hope.
Jack clears his throat and points at the gruesome photos on your screen. “Are you even allowed to open these in public?”
You chuckle dryly and roll your eyes. “The case’s been all over the news because his daddy is some pop music producer. You can find the photos on TMZ.” Then you consider him — a night-shift doctor, a tired man, a stranger who tasted the same pain you did. “Although you are probably too busy for stuff like that.”
You close your laptop with one hand, your sharp attention now all on him. Your knees brush his, and you don’t seem uncomfortable with it.
“What happened to you at work?”
Jack lets out a sigh, twiddles with the black band of his watch. “Got a car crash victim. Not sure she will pull through. She also lost her husband and her baby so waking up won’t be much of a relief either.”
“Was there anything you didn’t do? That could’ve saved any of them?”
“No,” he says without a doubt, although with sadness. “He died on impact. She was three months pregnant, so the baby didn’t have a chance.”
“Which means that none of it is your fault. You didn’t kill anyone, you are actually the reason she did get a chance to live,” you tell him calmly.
Jack shakes his head. “Maybe she won’t.”
“Maybe she will.”
“You are being optimistic,” he argues, a tad glum.
“I’m being rational. Give it a try,” you retort.
“Yes, I’m sure that some good-old rationalizing will make me feel a lot better,” his words don’t bite, but there’s frustration in his gaze, in how he rubs the back of his neck.
“Okay, I’ll do it for you,” and then you lean to him, one knee sliding in between his two, your perfume redolent of bergamot and jasmine, fresh and a tad sweet. Jack is dumbfounded by how close you are, how casually you do it. He makes an effort not to follow the streak of light that sneaks down your neckline. Your eyes are set firmly on him like you’re dead set on changing his whole world. He lets you.
“How many patients did you treat this week? I don’t need the exact number, an approximate will do.”
“I don’t know, over 40. Maybe 50.”
“Let’s say it’s 45. How many of them died? Just those two?” — he gives you a short nod. You move an inch closer so he can hear you over the other voices that already fill the bar. “How many of them were women of fertile age?”
“What?” he blinks with pure puzzlement, his hand going from his neck back to the counter, bumping into yours. “How would I know that, I don’t really—”
“In the US, females outnumber males by less than 1%, and about one-third of them are over 65. Which means around 16 women you treated probably can have kids,” the space between you is shortened by another inch. “Let’s say 10 of them want to and they will. That’s at least 10 babies that will be born because you didn’t fuck up. 10 babies after just one week of you being a good doctor. 40 babies after a month and 480 in one year.”
He doesn’t bother with the counting — instead, he notices: the fragrance you’re wearing also has notes of peach and lilies. And your close presence and your voice make all the noise around him disappear.
“You’re good with numbers,” Jack says with quiet fascination.
“I’m good at recognizing shitty people,” you tell him plainly, your thumb brushing his wrist — on accident, he thinks, but his whole arm warms up. “I’ve dealt with doctors who maimed their patients like it meant nothing. I’ve seen them make the stupidest mistakes they didn’t think twice about. But if you care too much, you need to rewire your brain to make it easier to function,” and when your palm covers his hand — it’s unmistakably intentional, it is a feeling he forgot existed: the comfort of a simple touch. “So next time things don’t work out — not even because of something you did, but because shit happens, — instead of wearing sackcloth and ashes, think of the dozens of chubby babies and dozens of families you gave a chance at happiness because you did everything right.”
You tell it to him like it’s indisputable, the truth that’s carved in stone. Deep down, he is aware that he’s good at what he does and bad at taking credit for it, sometimes downright refusing. But he couldn’t argue with you even if he wanted. Because Jack’s struggling to get his head together — the struggle comes from your hand still being pressed to his. And now that he knows the feeling of your skin, it’s hard to act like just one touch will be enough. Like he isn’t in dire need of more.
“I’ve never thought about it like that,” Jack manages, and it isn’t a lie. The truth lies deeper: he never thought he’d want someone like that, never imagined feeling so touch-starved.
“You should. Maybe you’re single-handedly responsible for keeping this city’s population up,” you smile at him, and it’s sincere. But you’re looking at him like he’s an open book and his feelings are as clear as ink on paper.
And you don’t take your hand away, and Jack can feel the pull again. He welcomes it.
“You keep saying things like that, and it will get to my head,” his voice gets low too — and it’s him who is leaning forward.
Your gaze isn’t wavering from his. “And what’s the worst thing that can happen?”
He doesn’t waver when he says: “I’ll dare to take more risks.”
“What will the first one be?”
“Asking if I can take you home.”
You aren’t surprised and aren’t scandalized. You don’t even take time to think. “Are you suggesting I should wrap up my work session?”
“I think you already did,” a smile ghosts Jack’s lips.
The effect whiskey had on him was fleeting. You are way more intoxicating. Your palm is at his elbow, and his pulse is racing, and for how rational and logic-driven he usually is, this time he doesn’t want to be: he thinks of taking you away from prying eyes, he thinks of kissing you, he thinks he can give one-night stands a go —
There is a sound of sottish laughter, then something splashing and someone cursing. Not much liquid gets on your blouse but Jack gets on his foot like he’s about to get into a fight. The guy who spilled his cocktail on you is too slow-witted to access the threat. You quickly put yourself between them, your hand blindly finding Jack’s, your fingers on his wrist. And instantly his anger goes down by half.
The clumsy partygoer sends you a smirk. “Your man looks like he wants to say somethin'.”
“And you look like someone who doesn’t want to be thrown out of the bar on a random Thursday. Keep walking,” you tell him in a tone so cold, he sobers up, losing his smirk. The guy apologizes incoherently and darts away to blend into the crowd.
When you turn to Jack, he is already looking at you. “Are you okay?”
“I’m pretty sure it was a Mojito, and he mostly spilled the ice. It won’t even leave a stain. I’m just gonna pay a visit to the hand dryer in the bathroom,” you put the laptop in its slim black bag and leave a few bills on the counter. “You probably should wait outside,” and then your hand glides lightly over his chest, like you’re smoothing out his shirt. “Wouldn’t want any drinks spilled on you.”
And as Jack watches you walk — each step with purpose, hips swaying — he surely feels like he needs some air.
By now, the rain has eased, and through the thinned-out clouds he can see wisps of sunset, beads of pink and yellow. And in the chill of the approaching night, his confidence wanes just a little. Isn’t he too old for this? Aren’t you too good for him? How long has it been since he had someone in his bed? The last one he actually knows a clear answer to. It’s hardly reassuring.
Jack catches the sound of your heeled boots before you come out — with no stain on the blouse, no hesitation in your gaze. He knows the more he waits, the less likely he is to go through with it. So he says it — quickly, like ripping off a bandaid:
“My apartment is just around the corner.”
And he thinks you are about to decline. His misperception lasts for barely five seconds — and then your face splits into a smile: not pitying, not forced, but bright like the sunlight he’s been missing. Your words come out a tad pensive:
“You know, I was having such a bad day when I came to the bar.”
“Was?” Jack echoes, eyes on you, all his uncertainty replaced by skin-prickling excitement. He will have you, even if only once. Because you want this, too.
“I think my night might be way better,” you come closer as you give him confirmation: it’s in your mellow gaze, in fingers raring to touch him — they graze his arm, shoulder, base of his neck. The smile never leaves your face. “Your apartment sounds like a good start.”
And Jack wants to kiss you so fucking badly. But not on the steps of some overcrowded bar.
Not while you’re rushing through the drizzle, and your hand catches his, and he holds onto it without thinking. Not at the bus stop where you take a break, and you soak up the fading sunshine with your eyes closed, your skin glowing, his heart skipping a beat, twice. Not in the lobby of his building you walk through hand in hand. Not in the elevator — not even when you press the top button without asking.
“How did you guess?” he wonders, his gaze focused on your lips. He catches you looking at his before you give a reply.
“I just prefer the top floor, too.”
Jack lets you in first and locks the door behind him, not in a hurry but a little bit on edge. He’s trying not to be self-conscious about every part of his apartment. You take your shoes off, your laptop and your phone left on the hinged shelf at the entrance. And then you take it all in, but you aren’t scrutinizing or perplexed or judging. You look around like it’s exactly how you pictured it, like everything about his place makes sense.
The contrast of light walls and dark parquet, a small amount of furniture — minimalistic, spotless, simple. But there is a scattering of things that catch your gaze. A stack of old CDs and a small Sony player, the plastic case already rubbed off at the corners. A tier of books with countless bookmarks tucked between the pages. A pile of med journals and printouts of studies with his jotting in the margins, a dozen multi-colored pens stacked into a whiskey glass. A coffee table that you can tell was made by hand — black walnut wood, coarse-grained, a few tool marks around the apron. You delicately trace them with your finger in silent appreciation of his dedication and his skill. Jack barely can remember why he was even worried.
And then you step into his bedroom, and he can think of nothing else.
It’s half-dark, the floor windows left uncovered because he was in a rush to leave. You keep the lights off. You walk to where the twilight is bleeding through the glass, the hues of red and violet covering the floor. The dim light contours the collar of your blouse, the specks of silver shimmering like moonlight on the water. Jack is so mesmerized, he doesn’t catch it right away — the way your fingers move down to the row of buttons. You turn to face him with the first one carelessly undone.
“I thought you’d want to take this off yourself,” you then unbutton the second one — and look him in the eye. “Do you?”
“You can’t seriously have doubts,” he rasps, his pupils blown wide, mouth craving yours — or any part of you that you can give him.
Your hands stop. And then your voice drops, beckoning. “What are you waiting for?”
Jack crosses the distance in a heartbeat.
It’s not a crash — it feels like it’s a fusion, your body molding perfectly against his as soon as he pulls you closer by the hips. You meet him not with hesitation but with need, your lips sure, soft, searing — he kisses you back so fervently, it makes his head dizzy. It makes him want you more. Your every move sets fire in him, and you tend to it with skill: you grip his shirt with one hand, the other tracing up his spine — until it settles at his nape, your fingers threading through his hair, and his breath hitches. You only pull away to give him air and guide both of his hands up to your blouse. His frail composure barely lasts another minute while he works the buttons — until he sees your bra: thin black lace.
“You wear this on a random Thursday?” Jack groans, then dips his head to leave hot open-mouth kisses down your chest. He tugs at the lace slightly with his teeth, and you tug at his hair.
“Try not to tear it apart,” you tell him, half a joke and half a warning; but your tone suggests that you won’t mind.
His lips find yours again because he can’t stop craving them, hands wandering under your blouse as he walks you blindly to the bed. You’re a step away, and his imagination already paints the picture — your body naked and writhing under his mouth — but then you grab into his clothes, maneuvering him to turn — and in a second he is pushed onto the mattress. Time freezes for the shortest moment as you look him over, your lips parted, your fingertips skating up his cheek, and Jack leans instantly into your touch. With the same hand you bring his mouth back to yours, and now you share the same hunger: you straddle him and tug at the black scrubs and the white t-shirt he wears under, and Jack is fumbling with your bra clasp, too eager and too lost in you —
The pain’s not sharp but sudden. It shoots from his knee up to the hip, and Jack flinches with a hiss, breaking the kiss.
“What’s wrong?” you instantly pull back, studying his face.
Jack feels blood rushing to his cheeks. He shifts uncomfortably in place. “It’s my leg.”
You look down. “Which one?”
He stifles an embarrassed sigh and grudgingly hitches up his right pant leg, revealing the prosthesis. “My muscles cramp up sometimes when I bend the knee,” Jack moves one hand down to help stretch his leg forward, the metal frame catching the light.
You keep your eyes on it as you say musingly: “Oh, you are full of surprises, Dr. Abbot.”
You make a face he can’t match to an emotion — is it regret? Are you disappointed? Will you leave now? But then you reach your hand to where the prosthesis meets the limb and carefully trace the scarred tissue. Your touch is light at first, but slowly you apply more pressure, your thumb and middle finger massaging the sides of his leg.
“Do you need to remove it?” you ask, not bothered in the slightest.
“Not yet,” Jack breathes out in relief, feeling the pain and tension fading — as is his shame.
And when he meets your gaze, you read him once again: his fears, his insecurities, everything he’s used to hide and overthink. And your eyes sparkle with an intent to prove him wrong. You move your fingers up his leg, unhurriedly, unwavering, making a teasing stop to dip your thumb under the waistband of his pants. He almost bucks up his hips. You hitch his shirts up and drag over his head, then throw aside with one quick motion — and when your fingertips skim under his navel, Jack lets out a quivering exhale. Your hands slide up his chest, his every muscle tensing under your touch, your body leaning closer inch by inch, until he feels your breath fanning his face.
Your words are quiet but they burn his mouth: “There isn’t a part of you I don’t find hot.”
Jack can’t think of a time he ever felt so wanted. He also can’t do much thinking when you are kissing him, your tongue darting between his lips, your hips grinding against him, and he is getting harder with each second, with each movement.
“Sorry, should’ve told you sooner,” he mumbles when you break apart. “Didn’t want to ruin the moment.”
Your laughter tickles in the crook between his neck and shoulder, your lips mapping a route to the hollow of his throat. And then your kisses travel higher — the slope of his jaw, the spot behind his ear — and he is aching to get more, and he can never get enough.
“You can’t possibly ruin this,” your eyes are locked on him again so he knows that you mean it. “You barely touched me, and I’m already soaked.”
Jack sucks in a breath. His palm moves to lay flat against your stomach, then glides behind your waistband, to where you’re waiting for his touch. He feels the wetness through the lace — you spread your legs wider — and he pushes the black material aside to find you slick, warm, already throbbing.
His eyes look a shade darker in the amber of the dusk. “This all for me?” Jack asks dazedly, his finger teasing at your entrance.
“Wanna do something about it?” you murmur.
He slips a finger in, drawing a moan from your lips — the sound goes straight to his cock. His other hand moves to your hip, presses you into him so you can feel the bulge beneath his pants. And then Jack starts thrusting into you, precise and fast, his tentativeness melting away like ice on fire.
“How am I doing?” his tone teases.
And he already has his answer — it’s in the sounds you make, in how your hips are moving eagerly to meet his finger. He adds a second one and hears you gasp.
“Good, s-so— fucking good,” you babble. “Didn’t expect— o-ooh anything less.”
It fuels his confidence like nothing else. He leans to you a little, his voice is thick with lust. “Take the blouse off. I don’t want to ruin it.”
Although he sounds pretty ruined himself. And you aren’t shy about reveling in it. Slowly, you let the silver fabric fall halfway down your back — and then your fingers run over your bra and tug roughly at your nipples. Jack watches, spellbound, not blinking, as they harden under the lace.
At last, he yields to his desire since it can no longer be contained. And Jack is nothing if not ravenous for you.
He pulls your bra straps down with his teeth — one then the other — and then his lips are on your skin, leaving a wet trail between your breasts; he pumps his fingers in and out, and they go knuckles-deep. He adds a third, his tongue flickering over your nipple before he gives it a light bite — and you are withering, and struggling for breath, and pleading — yes, please, Jack, d-don’t stop — and he can cum just from you gasping out his name. It doesn’t take much longer: he hits the right spot, not randomly but expertly, his thumb pressed to your clit, his every stroke commanding you to let go — and you do. Your mouth falls slack and your whole body stills, like you are struck by lightning, electric currents rippling through your veins until your blood is sweltering like you’re caught on fire.
Your thighs tremble when he pulls his fingers out. And through the half-closed eyes, you watch as his tongue darts to taste your wetness that his hand is drenched in. You reach for it without warning and lick his fingers clean. Jack groans at the sight — and then you’re swallowing that sound with your mouth. The kiss is messy, tongues and teeth — your blouse and bra join his clothes on the floor before Jack lifts you off him and drops on onto the bed. He gets your pants and panties off, tosses aside and spreads your legs — you are left fully naked, and he drinks you up: your skin the heat is rising off, the parts of you he is desperate to put his mouth on. He readily bends towards you, his kisses climbing higher — from your calf to your knee to the inside of your thigh —
“Come up,” you whisper like an order, and he obeys with bated breath.
Your lips collide, and there is intensity that makes the world around him fade, the vestiges of his old doubts reduced to ashes. You don’t feel like a blaze that scorches and leaves marks — no scratches on his back, no bruises where you touch him — instead, your hands are tender. And he is melting all the same. So when you push him on his side, then on his back, and sit on top of him, Jack voices no complaints.
You aren’t hasty with his remaining clothes — you drag the pants down first, careful around his prosthesis, curios about the traces of his past: your fingers run over the scar on his left knee, over the other on his thigh. And then your eyes move to his briefs, to the sharp outline of his cock. You pull the fabric down to free him — thick, leaking, reddened at the tip. It takes you one — two — three slow strokes — and Jack is trembling all over, his quiet exhale breaking into a low moan.
He points at the bedside table, stumbling over the words. “I forgot to— You should— Top drawer.”
You find them in the bottom one — a couple of condoms shoved into the corner like he thought they’d never be of use. You pick one, sit back on the bed, and tear the wrapper open. And then you put the condom in between your lips and teeth. You purposefully keep eye contact as you get lower — and take him in your mouth, pushing the condom slowly over his cock. Jack flinches, and his head falls back, a loud gasp ripped from his throat.
“F-fucking hell.”
You hollow your cheeks on your way up, then pull off and use your fingers to roll the condom down to the base. He stays still, hands clutching the sheets so hard, the lines of veins pop on his arms, his stomach muscles tense — as is his voice. “Don’t,” Jack pleads through gritted teeth, “I won’t last a minute.”
A grin touches your lips like you already knew he wouldn’t. Your hands go higher so he can take a breath. Your fingertips ghost across his chest, unspooling stiffness from his body and waiting for his reticence to vanish like dew in heat. And when it does, Jack pulls you closer by the arm, pulls you into a kiss that steals the air from your lungs and tastes like pure need. And it’s a need you share.
You promptly grind your hips against his, coating his cock in your arousal, only a few quick moves before you lift your thighs and slip him inside. A shudder travels through your body as he stretches you, as he finally fills you, the pleasure so intense it stuns you both. It takes you a good minute to regain your senses. You roll your hips a couple of times and then start riding him — and almost effortlessly, you find the rhythm that leaves Jack in raptures. It feels electrifying, all-consuming, desire flaring up his every cell, spreading down to his bones. And then you’re both aflame.
Jack sits up, hands roaming over you — his fingers on your hips to help you move, then toying with your nipples to make you gasp. His lips are on your throat where your rugged breath mixes with moans. You try to find the words for it — this feels s-so — fuck, Jack, you are sooo — but you are too overwhelmed to speak, and he is too transfixed on you to care. He feels that you’re getting close — your pace quickens and your voice quavers, hands clinging to his shoulders for support. And he is barrelling toward his orgasm just as fast. He breathes you in and holds you tight, heat trapped between your skin and his as you are arching into him, so soft and pliant and cock-drunk.
It is the friction of your body against his that throws you over the edge — you cry out, face buried in the curve of his neck like you are seeking shelter, unraveling so helplessly and willingly like he’s the only one allowed to have you like this. And in a second the orgasm rips through Jack — euphoric, blinding, emptying, the closest that he’s ever been to ecstasy and to losing his mind.
You are both panting, limbs entangled, your chest still pressed to his.
“I think I need a moment,” you mumble, your fingertips grazing his shoulder blades.
“Yeah, same,” Jack breathes out. “Feeling a little rusty after all these years.”
He doesn’t register the meaning of his words until you slightly pull away. The room is slipping into darkness, but he can see emotions in your eyes, like glints of the sun setting: amazement first, too obvious to hide — was he alone for five whole years? But then there is empathy and an unspoken gratitude — for you being the one that he decided to let in.
You move your hand to cup his face, a smile pulling at the edges of your mouth. “You are very far from rusty, Dr. Abbot.”
Jack leans in first, like he can’t help it — your lips meet his like you want nothing else. And you kiss him so softly, so unhurriedly, it is the kind of fondness that soothes wounds. When he draws back, he is suffused with peace, like all the damage he’s been carrying no longer weighs on him.
Jack puts the blanket over you, up to the very shoulders, and pecks your lips. “Stay right here.”
Begrudgingly, he slides out of you and snaps off the condom, then pulls up his briefs and staggers to his feet. He finds your panties and helps you put them on, his palms following the contours of your thighs like he’s appreciating art. Jack chugs some water in the kitchen, then pours you a glass — and on his way back, he rummages through his wardrobe and drags out a clean t-shirt.
“In case you want something to sleep in,” he offers as you empty the glass. “I don’t know if—”
You take the shirt without question and put it on — and then you take his hand and pull him into bed. He lies down on his back and takes off the prosthesis, letting it slide down to the floor. You drape your arm over his chest and snuggle up to him, already heavy-eyed. You trace his shoulder with your finger, then press a small kiss on it.
“I really like your arms,” you murmur sleepily.
He really likes holding you in these arms, Jack realizes. He is amazed at how easy it comes, of how much he doesn’t want to let you go.
And it feels ridiculous to ask but he can’t help it. “What about my arms?”
He can tell by your slowing breath that you are dozing off. Still, you manage in a whisper: “They are very... steady.”
He thinks about asking for your phone number. And then his mind is flooded by the faded fantasies that promptly take on color: tables for two at restaurants, fresh flowers wrapped in kraft paper, your hands that fit so well in his. Jack gently brushes a stray hair from your forehead when his eye catches on his wedding ring. He looks at it for a few seconds — but the metal band has long lost its meaning. So Jack takes the ring off and carefully turns in bed to put it in the top drawer. And then he tugs you closer, your body warm against his as he falls into the comforting embrace of sleep.
When he wakes up, the warmth’s still there.
His legs are humming, but he isn’t weary, like all the tension’s been unweaved from his sore muscles. Like he’s just had the best sleep in months. But when his hand moves to the side, he finds the bed empty — and instantly he’s overcome with what feels like loss, although he knows it shouldn’t. Because one-night stands aren’t supposed to last. Your scent still lingers on the pillowcase — crisp, clean, raindrops caught in the petals at the sunrise. He turns his head to breathe it in, eyes slowly falling shut —
And then Jack hears it.
The clinking.
The sound usually made by forks, knives, plates. The sound that’s coming from his kitchen.
Jack rubs his eyes and sits up, the remnants of his sleep dissolving in the air. He notices his clothes left neatly folded on the dresser, the prosthesis propped against his side of the bed. And his heart rushes at the thought: you did this for him. And you didn’t leave.
He gets up and gets dressed — but his every move is quiet. Quieter than usual. It is anxiety that turns into anticipation with every step he takes to where the small noises come from. And then he walks into the kitchen like he is walking into a dream he never thought would come to life.
The place is sunlit, the bright rays sprinkling specks of gold on every surface: the metal handles of the cupboards, the scuffed edges of the chairs, the glass table, and the plates on it. And then there’s you, bathing in sunlight, legs bare and hair loose — and his breath catches at the sight. You move around like you’ve already been here, like it’s a habit you just naturally follow: preparing a breakfast for him, in his kitchen, in his clothes. You are still wearing the t-shirt — it hangs loosely around your shoulders but sits tighter at your hips. Jack thinks he’d like to see all of his shirts on you.
“Did I wake you up?” you ask without turning to him, still stirring something in the pan.
“No,” his voice is hoarse from sleep. His nose picks up the smells of sizzling bacon, of something frying, sweet and spicy. “I see, you found the spatula. I genuinely thought I lost it.”
Jack hears the smile in your voice. “It’s not too complicated of a system you’ve got in here.”
Is there a system? He wasn’t aware. He unintentionally says it out loud, and you laugh softly.
“I mean, I see the logic behind it. Knives in the top drawer because you use them the most. Sometimes instead of forks, I’m guessing, because the forks were pushed so deep into the second drawer, like they hadn’t seen the light in weeks. Teaspoons stored in one of your three mugs since you only use them to stir coffee. Two tablespoons were probably left there by accident — and these are all you have, so I suspect you are no fan of soups,” you turn the stove off and move the pan onto the metal trivet, the sun beams skimming up your legs. “I do appreciate that you store all plates and bowls in one place. Although that is the only cupboard that doesn’t creak, so I am a little bit concerned by how often you actually use your dishes. The spatula was in the frying pan, by the way.”
Jack feels his heart swell with a feeling he is yet to name. You look at him over your shoulder as if you didn’t sort through his decades of chaos in a minute. “Come here, try this.”
And you don’t have to ask him twice because he’s always eager to cross the distance.
Jack walks closer, his chest brushing your back, arm circling around your waist. You scoop some food and bring it into his mouth. And almost instantly, involuntarily, he can’t hold back a hum of satisfaction.
“Wait, what is this?”
He sees your lips curling into a smile. “Food, Jack. Eggs and bacon and the two tomatoes that looked edible.”
“That’s not how they usually taste.”
You fully turn to him, another spoonful disappearing into his mouth. “Ever heard of the word flavor? You do know spices exist, right?”
He is a little torn between wanting to kiss you and stealing yet another bite. “I just use salt.”
“I figured. Your salt container is almost empty,” your smile grows wider. You wipe the corner of his mouth with your finger. “But I found a jar of Taco Seasoning in your top cupboard, so I guess you have your moments of enlightenment.”
“Got it for free when I bought a new frying pan. Half a year ago,” and you two move as if you share an instinct: he takes you by the hips, and you step back, ass pressed against the counter — and then you swiftly sit on it, and he stands in between your legs.
You pick a crispy bacon strip — he bites off a half and you eat the rest. His hands stay on your thighs as you give him two more.
“What did you do with the bacon?”
“I baked it,” your phone buzzes nearby but you ignore it, instead reaching for the pan. Jack takes it, and he doesn’t bother with the plates: he feeds you scrambled eggs himself with the utmost diligence. On the fourth spoon you lean to peck his lips, and a smile breaks across his face, eyes crinkling at the corners. And suddenly he is so palpably aware of how much he wants more mornings spent like this. With you.
You give him more bacon, and he can’t refuse it, your fingertips brushing his lips as he takes hungry bites. “It feels less greasy. In a good way.”
“Because I didn’t add too much oil. There is already fat in bacon,” you take the spoon from him and scrape the leftovers off the pan, maneuvering the food into his mouth before he can protest. “Just so you know, I think that not having toasted bread at breakfast is a crime. I’m only cutting you some slack because you had a tough shift.”
He’s struggling to hide a grin. Jack drops the dishes in the sink, then moves closer to you, hands clasped around your waist. He leaves a light kiss on your shoulder.
“Where did you learn to cook?”
“A lot of my clients are immigrants. They often bring me meals as a thank you, and I always ask what they put in,” you gently comb your fingers through the grey curls framing his forehead. Jack leans in, and you bump your nose into his. “Now, I’m not gonna open a Mexican restaurant anytime soon... But I do know my spices.”
Your phone buzzes again, and when Jack’s gaze falls on the screen, he reads the words out loud without a second thought.
“You just received a file called SA (identified 14/01–20),” and then his smile fades. “Does that mean sexual assault?”
Immediately, your face changes — from relaxed to focused: you quickly get off the counter and grab your phone. Jack manages to catch the names of two more files: 10/21–40, 18/41–60.
“That’s classified,” you don’t sound angry but your tone loses its warmth.
You get another notification, your face tensing with concentration. Jack doesn’t want to interrupt but there’s an inkling tugging at his chest.
“It must be something bad,” he remarks.
“It is,” you tell him matter-of-factly, eyes on the screen. It takes a long moment for you to add. “Involves sex trafficking. That’s all I can say.”
A bad feeling creeps over him like frost. He’s got no explanation for it, no real reason to ask questions. So he keeps them to himself. “Sounds like a difficult case.”
Jack isn’t sure you can hear him, your finger sliding over the screen as you keep reading, mindless of the minutes flying by. In about ten you finally look up, gaze distant, wheels in your head turning, some kind of critical decision taking shape. And then it’s not exactly a relief — but clarity that he sees in your eyes, courage and sharp resolve.
“For almost a year it was an impossible case. Now I think I’ve got a real chance at it,” you share with him, half a confession, half a hope. “I have to go,” you sigh, then put the phone down and move to take the clean plates left forgotten on the table.
Jack catches your hand. “Don’t even think about it. I’ll do it.”
He watches you run toward the bedroom, then he pensively takes the plates away. And the unnerving questions keep swarming his head: how dangerous exactly is your job? Are there any safety measures you should take? Do you? It’s probably not his place to ask. It doesn’t make him any less concerned.
He looks at the jar of Taco Seasoning. He thinks of you folding his clothes, easing his fears. Of your laugh brushing his shoulder. Of how easily you fit everywhere in his life, like you are the only part that he’s been missing. He really should ask for your number.
You run back fully dressed — the pants you look sinfully good in, the blouse glistening like liquid silver. Your collarbones peek through, and Jack wants to place a kiss on each.
“You’re now out of mouthwash, so here’s a reminder,” you place a post-it note on his fridge, a few words you wrote in cursive. “And I almost forgot my phone.”
You rush to take it, you are just about to leave. But then you turn on your heels and quickly walk back to Jack, eyes on his mouth — until your lips are too. The kiss is soft for barely a second — and then it’s hot and deep, and Jack’s mind instantly goes blank.
“Don’t forget you’re the best doctor in town,” you smile against his mouth.
You walk out, and he’s left standing in the kitchen, wrapped up in pure bliss. His lips still tingle from the kiss, his body warm all over, the time melting away under the bright sunlight. But soon the realization cuts through his oblivion like a knife through cotton:
he didn’t get your number.
He has no clue where to find you.
Jack literally facepalms himself. And unsurprisingly, he doesn’t find you outside when he runs out of his flat, out of the building. And there are no crumbs that he can follow. Of course, he goes back to the bar — you paid in cash, no card info, they didn’t even ask for your ID. The bartender assures that you’ve never visited before. When Jack learns there are over 7000 lawyers in Pittsburgh, it feels like a lost cause. But he’s not used to giving up so fast. So he spends his free time searching the web: he googles law firms in the area, looks through the countless photos on their sites. And every time he’s in his kitchen, he stares at the blue note left on the fridge:
Buy a mouthwash (and some bread. Carbs are good for you!)
He buys both. One of his pillows smells like you, and he sleeps on the other; your perfume fades in 11 days. And in two weeks his hope starts fading too. He does attempt to look for the bright side of things — now he has something to remember, a reassurance that he isn’t too old for trying something new — but all the memories inevitably lead to one conclusion: he doesn’t want to try again. He just wants you.
And maybe there is a slim chance that you will come back to the bar, Jack tells himself. He goes there in his free evenings, his order boringly the same: just water, but throw some ice and lemon in. The bartender takes pity on him and doesn’t charge him half the time. And Jack keeps looking through the faces on the streets, in the ER, even while he’s driving down the road.
But never in a million years he expected this.
The people he’s surrounded with also find your current situation unexpected. You look up at them, gaze filled with the same unswerving perseverance. Your tone carries just the right amount of sharpness:
“Doesn’t E in the ER stand for emergency? Can we move?”
You don’t see him yet. Jack still can’t look away.
Langdon comes to his senses first. He grabs fresh gloves and rushes to you. “Okay, what am I looking at?”
You glance at him like he is looking stupid.
“Gunshot wounds. We stopped the bleeding from his leg, about 30 minutes ago. But the other one was worse, blood started spurting everywhere. And you can’t put a tourniquet over the chest. So I improvised.”
Frank quirks a brow. “And your first instinct was to stick your fingers in him?”
“You want me to remove them?”
“Do not!” Robby firmly cuts in. “Dr. Langdon just poorly phrased his appreciation for your quick thinking,” he glowers at him. Then finally, they wheel away the gurney you are on. “Let’s take you to trauma#1.”
Your shoulders fall a little — just enough for Jack to notice, your free hand holding tight to one of the side rails. He reads it in your body language: the tension from the inconvenient position, the stress of not knowing what happens next. As you pass by, for only a brief moment your eyes meet. And it’s pathetic how much he cares what you think. If you remember him. If you’ve been reliving that one night too. He discerns glimmers in your gaze — of recognition and surprise, of what he dares to believe is joy —
but then you break eye contact. And Jack follows you with zero hesitation.
The man’s blood pressure plummets on your way to the room. When you are all in, Robby does his best to navigate the turmoil:
“The bullet must’ve nicked an artery. We might need to open him up.”
“They’ll do that in the OR. If he lives for that long,” Frank says while intubating.
“Shouldn’t you take the bullet out?” Jesse is putting an IV line in.
“What are his chances?” you ask quietly. They don’t hear it, but Jack does. He’s standing at the doors, eyes darting from the patient’s vitals back to you. The one person that he cares for is not the injured man.
“We don’t have time to look for a bullet. Once she takes her hand out, he’ll bleed out within 5 minutes,” Frank notes grimly.
Robby is looking at the ultrasound image on the screen: heart and lungs miraculously unharmed. “Then we have 5 minutes to clamp the artery.”
“It can also be 2. We don’t know how much blood he lost,” Frank glances at the gurney doused with crimson. “My guess is that it’s a lot.”
“Do you have anything to offer apart from your pessimism? We’ll clamp the artery and hook him to another blood bag, that’s the plan.”
“And if he goes into cardiac arrest?”
“Is that a serious question?”
“We can’t use a D-fib while her hand is in.”
“Then she’ll take it out, that’s not exactly a complicated process.”
“Do we know if he’s a donor? Because chances are that —”
“He can’t die!” you snap, and there’s so much emotion in your voice, the room goes quiet for a moment.
Jack steps closer, then grabs a gown and gloves on autopilot, but his gaze is riveted to you. You’re only looking at the man who very much is on the verge of dying.
“He’s got a family. He’s been married since 22, she is the love of his life, they have two kids — both miracle babies, a boy and a girl, and they love them to pieces. And he knew that testifying publicly would be dangerous — but he still agreed. He said what if that was my baby, what if someone did that to her? How can I stay silent?” you recollect ruefully but your words are measured. “He can’t die. Not just because I have my whole case built on his testimony but because he was brave enough to do the right thing when no one else wanted to. I can’t let him die for that. Please, you have to do something.”
“Damn, I wish you were my lawyer,” Frank blurts out.
And you answer in an instant, not even looking at him. “Deal.”
“... Really?”
“Save him, and I’ll help any of you, doesn’t matter what’s it about. I take cases pro bono, so it will be one of those.”
Langdon narrows his eyes as if he doesn’t buy it, his voice a mix of skeptical and wry. “Can I have that in writing?”
If looks could cut, Frank would’ve been hemorrhaging on the floor. You glance at him from under your brows, your stare is withering and sharp, a blade that’s glowing red. His face changes like he’s regretting everything he said. And Jack can’t stop the thought: you can be drenched in blood and fuming — and he still won’t look at anybody else.
“My hands are a little busy at the moment,” you tell Frank dryly. “But you have my word. Now the ball is in your field.”
Jack makes a step to you. “You are into soccer?”
When your gaze darts to him, it isn’t cutting — but more so daring. “I’m into winning.”
“Makes two of us,” Abbot notes smoothly.
Robby’s eyes move from you to Jack, like he can glimpse something he doesn’t know what he should call. Frank looks between you like he’s connecting two big dots barely an inch apart. He bites back a smirk.
The monitors get loud as the man goes into cardiac arrest. Robby immediately pushes the ultrasound machine away. “You need to remove your hand now.”
“I’ll help her down,” Jack rushes up to you, and you watch as the others cut off the man’s clothes, preparing defibrillator pads, an intubation tube, clean cloths.
When they’re ready, Robby grabs a hemostat — and steps close. “Okay, move.”
You take your fingers out — Jack hooks his arm around your waist and swiftly drags you backward. Your legs tingle from the rush of blood, your feet a little bit unsteady when you stand. Jack’s palm lays firmly at your lower back, his voice quiet.
“You alright?”
You freeze for a few seconds, staring straight ahead — at the blood pouring, staining the skin, the metal pads, the gurney — the D-fib is charged once — twice — electric shocks sent to the heart. Then Jesse charges the machine again — and on the third attempt the loud beeping gives way to a more measured sound. The intricacies of dealing with a bleed are left to your imagination because you can’t see anything from behind the doctors' backs.
You slowly turn to Jack, as if you’re still thinking over the answer to his question. You can’t come up with a reply concise enough to fit all of your feelings in. You just nod — he doesn’t push for more, his hand on you drawing small circles.
“The bathroom is down the hall to your left. You can hang out at the nurse station while he’s in here.”
You look down at your blooded shirt, then at your palms. “Do you think he’ll make it?” you ask him in a whisper, unprompted, knowing full well that he won’t lie.
And Jack doesn’t.
“At his age and with how much blood he lost, it is a miracle he’s still alive. Which I think means he’s actually got a chance. If they manage to stabilize him—”
Robby half-turns to look at him. “Jack, we really need an extra pair of hands here!” and there’s an urging in his voice, a red splatter on his gown.
“Guess now I’m a part of the saving team,” Abbot mumbles, changing gloves again, wishing he could give you more — if not a promise then at least some hope.
Surely, Jack’s had his fair share of cases more unhopeful — he’s usually good at keeping a cool head, he’s skilled enough to keep his nerves in check. And yet, he feels a pinprick of anxiety: this case is different because he can’t allow himself to fail you.
But when Jack glances at you, the look you give him is not expectant — it’s encouraging. “Seems like his chances just got better,” you manage a small smile. “I’ll let you get to work.”
Him being able to shift focus to the patient is actually another miracle. And work he does: there is more blood because the artery’s too fragile — they change the clamps, they try the wound packing; it’s equally unhelpful. Jack ends up sticking his own fingers in while Robby calls Garcia. She shows up not only quickly but also uncharacteristically excited.
Yolanda flips open an instrument container she brought in. “Aortic hydragrip clamps, they’re gentler. Should work,” then she sees Jack and chuckles. “Of course, you’d be the one to clamp it with your hand. Just like in the good old military days?”
“Can’t say I’ve missed those,” Abbot remarks, and he is void of bitterness: the military did give him plenty of experience so it’s not something he regrets. But he is honest when he says he doesn’t want to go back.
And neither does he want any memories to pop up, so Jack’s mind hooks on the task that calls for his attention. They move with coordination honed over the years: he takes his hand out — Robby goes in with the clamp — Jack takes the second one — the ruptured artery is occluded in barely 20 seconds. They watch it for 10 more to make sure no more blood is coming out.
Robby allows himself a sigh of relief while Jesse suctions the excessive blood. Langdon inspects the leg wound: the bullet went right through, the bone’s intact. He checks the tourniquet — good placement, tight enough, so he just leaves it on.
Garcia comes closer, with an unbothered kind of curiosity, like a cat’s. “I heard the man made quite an entrance.”
Frank huffs. “You should’ve seen his lawyer.”
“The one in the blooded shirt? Oh, yeah, she’s hard to miss,” Yolanda smirks, dark eyes darting to you.
Jack can’t stop himself from looking in the same direction. You’re in the hall talking to Dana, your hands folded over your chest. The blood on you dried up; still, it strikes the eye — a big splotch of dark maroon on the white fabric, and every time Jack looks at you, it startles him a little.
“What now?” he asks. Mostly to make Garcia stop staring at you.
She does, her gaze on the unconscious man again. And her decision-making process is rather quick. “Suture the origin of the artery with pledgets on the aortic wall, then do a bypass between the ascending aorta and the subclavian. For the anastomosis, I’m thinking a termino-lateral type would do the job.”
It’s rare for Frank to be impressed by someone, yet his tone suggests that he most definitely is. “You can do all that?”
She stares him down silently. Then she looks at Robby. “You shocked him how many times? Twice?”
“Three times. 11 units of blood used so far.”
“This is one hell of a lucky man if I’ve ever seen one,” she notes, then looks down at her pager. “The OR will be ready in 5. Check the clamps again, I don’t want him to bleed out in the elevator. I’ll go talk to the lawyer and bring her up in the ICU. We’ve got a room for him so she can wait there.”
She turns to leave, and Langdon glances after her, then mutters, mostly to himself. “Why does everyone keep giving me weird looks today? Like I’m saying something stupid.”
“It’s because you are,” Garcia snickers before going through the doors.
Robby and Jesse check the vitals and the instruments' position, but Jack only catches bits of their conversation — because he’s watching you again: you listen carefully to Garcia’s explanation, the concern on your face dissolving slowly. But not entirely — it would be too soon for that. Garcia walks you to the elevators and out of Jack’s sight; still, his eyes stay on the spot you stood at.
He wishes that he was the one to talk to you. And he wishes he could do much more.
Jack comes back to reality when he catches movement — the gurney being wheeled out of the room.
“Wait, I can —”
“No, it’s fine, I’ll ride up with him,” Robby assures. “Your shift ended hours ago, just go get some rest, man.”
Jack needs no persuasion — he all but runs out, removes the gown and gloves, then goes to the staff’s kitchen. He’s out in five minutes but he stops at the stairs as an idea lits up in his head. Jack walks back to the lockers, unlocks his and takes out a spare clean shirt. He has to slow down then, imagining the likely steps: it takes a minute to get to the upper floor and get you to the right room; a few more minutes for you to ask more questions while the man is being prepped. The surgery will take at least 2 hours — he doesn’t want to waste a second of that time.
Jack finds you sitting in the hall, typing away at your smartphone, fidgeting slightly in your chair. And his determination is diluted with unease — should he interrupt you? Would you even want to chat? He tells himself that he can manage some small talk, that it’s not a big deal. He’s good at this.
Jack walks toward you, trying not to give away his haste. “So, do you stick your fingers into all of your clients?”
You turn to him, your face swept with confusion.
Oh no. He isn’t good at this at all.
“Fuck, sorry. I don’t why I said that, it was —”
And then you laugh. It’s quiet, more so a sound of relief, a little bit amused by him. But you aren’t irritated or displeased.
“Believe it or not, that was my first time. And hopefully, the last.”
Jack takes your calm voice as a good sign. Almost instinctively, he sits right next to you, as if the very thought of putting any distance in between you is downright absurd.
“Coffee. Figured you’d need it,” he hands you a plastic cup, and your fingers brush his when you take it.
And Jack is painfully aware that the brown-colored drink hardly tastes great. But you take sips with zero fuss.
“A caffeine IV would’ve been great, but this is the next best thing. Thank you so much,” your gaze warms up. Then it drops to the piece of clothing he is holding.
“I thought maybe you’d like to change into something that isn’t drenched in blood? I keep a clean t-shirt in case I get some fluids on me. It’s not the most fashionable choice, I know—”
You take it before he even finishes the sentence — your thumb gently brushing the folded cotton fabric, your face breaking into a grateful smile. Jack’s eyes are drawn to it, and he remembers so distinctly how your lips taste. And you look like you know he does.
“Wish I could put it on right now. But I’m counting on my blooded shirt to make me look more intimidating to the DA. Once he wakes up and deigns to text me back.”
Jack moves closer, lowering his voice like he’s protective of a secret you are about to let him in on. “What do you need the DA for?”
Your smile widens as if you find his curiosity endearing. “I need to get Bruno into witness protection. DA’s recommendation will help speed up the process.”
“Will the prosecutor back you up on this?”
“He passed out in the court at the sight of blood. He’ll back me up just fine.”
“So what’s the overall plan?” he drapes an arm across the back of your chair. You don’t mind.
“I’m Bruno’s legal representative, I can apply for the program on his behalf. They’ll also need his family to complete an application form. So once the DA gives me the green light, I have to make a beeline for the closest police station, then dash to their apartment, deal with the paperwork, and help his wife pack. Maybe she can visit him once he’s out of surgery.”
“She must be pretty shaken up,” Jack muses.
You reign your feelings well but he still catches hints of them: sadness, disappointment. Guilt. “The worst part is, she didn’t even sound surprised when I called her. Wasn’t upset with me either. She just asked, Will he pull through? And I had to make her believe that he would.”
He moves his hand up, his palm grazing your back, words sitting on the tip of his tongue: it’s not your fault, you aren’t the one to blame. You helped to save his life. But you shake off your misery, so easily like it’s a long-established habit.
“How’s your tough case, by the way? Did she wake up?”
You are deflecting, he can tell. He also has no wish to make you more upset so Jack holds back his consolations.
“She did, got her discharged a week ago. And the rehabilitation seems to be going well.”
Your grin very clearly says I told you so but you don’t say the words out loud. Instead, you place your hand above his knee — the right one, your touch not fleeting but reassuring and warm. The smile leaps out of him before he can stop it. “How’s the asshole with no brain cells?”
You let out a long-drawn sigh. “He fled the state. Which was a violation of the bail conditions. Then his attorney tried to flee, got wasted on the flight to Cincinnati — one of the CBP officers clocked him at the airport because he kept dropping his carry-on. Turns out, he snuck in a hunting knife, a whole-ass 6-inch blade. And then he got into a fight with them. Mind you, he is 5’3 and had a half-bottle of whiskey in him. I can’t even begin to comprehend that level of dumbassery. I had to visit him in jail four times before the court assigned a new lawyer to replace him. I don’t want to board another plane for at least a month.”
Jack doesn’t say anything at first, but his mouth twitches like he’s suppressing laughter. And then he can discern something unlooked-for in your face — the very evident abashment. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to vent.”
He leans to you and caresses your back. He wishes he could kiss you — on your forehead and cheeks and corners of your mouth, to smooth out every line of worry on your face. So that you don’t hesitate to open up again.
“Wasn’t a vent,” Jack argues. “I am actually very invested now. How did he manage to bring a knife on board?”
“Bribed a couple of nut heads from the PIT security,” you share gladly. “I asked him, Man, ever heard about checked baggage? Who in their right mind puts knives in a carry-on? And he told me — dead serious — that TSA is infiltrated by a gang of international smugglers, so he can’t trust them.”
“Of course you asked,” Jack notes warmly.
“I mean, he’s absolutely useless as a lawyer, at least I had something to laugh at. Besides, the Boone county jail can easily rank first in the list of the dullest places in the States.”
“So it’s the lack of brightness that’s the main problem, not that it’s packed with criminals,” Jack shakes his head in disbelief. “Worrying about you must be someone’s part-time job.”
You are startled for a moment. And then you’re beaming. “Is this you casually trying to find out if I have a boyfriend?”
“Guilty as charged,” Jack’s hand stops at your back, his gaze a cautious revelation. “But I don’t do casual.”
“Neither do I,” you tell him quietly, resting your chin on his shoulder. “And I would’ve never come to your apartment if I had anyone waiting for me at home.”
Your faces are separated by some minuscule inches. This is your second meeting — and yet, to Jack it comes as second nature: holding you close and leaning in, settling into your space as easily as you do in his, like two stars that fall into each other’s orbit. His hand is on your waist and yours moved to his shoulder; he can smell blood on you but then your scent cuts through — jasmine and bergamot and peaches, things they don’t have in hospitals, the fresh sweetness that makes him think of spring and sun. And everywhere you touch him, he feels lighter. In just a second his lips will be on yours—
Someone blows into the hall — very decisive and walking toward you, by the sound of it — but stops midway, so suddenly you hear screeching of the rubber soles against the floor. Then the footsteps retreat, and everything is quiet again, no other visitors or interferences. And yet, the moment’s gone. Jack can’t hold back a groan. You bring your fingers to his face, your thumb skating over his jaw, your body still so close to his. But your watchful eyes dart behind his back.
“The redhead keeps coming back like she’s looking for an excuse to start a conversation. What does she need a lawyer for?”
“That’s Cassie. She’s in the middle of a custody battle over her son. Her ex-husband is a douchebag with a douchebag girlfriend, so it’s messy.”
You look at Jack again. “And what’s the deal with that other doctor? Dark-haired, overly confident. Mildly annoying.”
“Frank,” he chuckles, his index finger drawing numbers on your lower back. “His marriage is in shambles, been like that for a while. But Abby loves him, and he’s not a bad dad. If it ever gets to a divorce, I don’t think she’ll take the kid away from him.”
You ruminate on this but not for long. “Can you please tell Cassie that I won’t bite her head off?”
Jack doesn’t want to move away from you so he only tilts his head back, not in disbelief but in careful wonder. “You’ll help her?”
And he can tell from your firm gaze that you aren’t doing this to please him — you want that case, you are already going through the strategies and options in your head, you grab at every chance to help people like hungry dogs grab bones. “I have about half an hour before the DA gets out of bed. Plenty of time for her to give me the details. Besides, I really enjoy going against douchebag exes.”
“Why is that?” Jack asks with a grin.
You shamelessly grin back at him. “They usually come with douchebag lawyers. It’s always fun to kick their ass in court.”
And as on cue, there are footsteps again — your face confirms it’s the same visitor, and Jack gives in: it’s for a good cause, after all, and he will get more time with you later today. His palm brushes the side of your waist, one touch replacing all the words he is afraid to say too soon: I’ve missed you, I want to spend many more days with you. He has to get up, holding back a sigh, before his feelings burst out. Jack turns around — and, unsurprisingly, Cassie is standing sheepishly at the end of the hall.
“Sorry, did I interrupt you guys?” she asks him with an awkward smile when he comes closer. “Cause it seemed like—”
“Just go talk to her,” he grumbles. When she doesn’t move, Jack softens his approach. “She’ll be happy to help you out, McKay.”
Cassie’s smile turns grateful, and then she strides across the hall to you. Jack offers you some privacy and takes the stairs to the ER. And even though exhaustion is already nipping at him, he’s in no hurry to go home, he doesn’t even feel the weight of it. He also doesn’t notice Dana’s gaze that lands on him when he comes in. He’s blithely unaware for about 15 minutes — Jack gets himself a cup of coffee, relaxes in the quiet of the empty kitchen, stretches his legs and arms.
Dana walks up to him the second he comes back to the nurse station.
“Now, will look at that. A smile on your face? I must be dreamin',” she teases, always astute in her assumptions. “It’s the hot lawyer, isn’t it?”
He’s battling a smile, indeed. “I’m not having this conversation with you.”
“Well, you see how my mouth’s moving? This means I’m talking, and you are giving me replies. Which does sound like a conversation to me,” Dana playfully bumps his shoulder. “Hey, she ticks all the boxes: smart, brave, stubborn. Did I mention that she’s hot?”
Jack doesn’t meet her gaze as his face gets warm. “Can’t argue with any of that.”
Princess peeks curiously at them from behind the monitor. Dana cackles. “Jesus, are you blushing? That’s so cute. I’m marking this day in my calendar.”
“What are we celebrating?” Perlah swings by.
“Dr. Abbot apparently got himself a date,” Princess reveals, wiggling her brows.
“With the lawyer? And she agreed?” Perlah asks in a doubtful tone.
“Frank said they were flirting in the trauma room,” Dana informs them conspiratorially, earning two hums of approval — and one groan from Jack.
“Are you aware I’m still here? Langdon has no clue what he’s talking about,” but his voice doesn’t sound angry — he’s in too good of a mood for that.
“I hear someone spreading slander behind my back,” Frank stops by.
“It’s hardly slander when you’re an asshole,” Princess glares at him. “Only a senile patient would flirt with you.”
“Is this open hostility at a workplace?” he fakes a gasp. “I don’t need anyone to flirt with me, I’m married. And if you’re talking about the lawyer, she surely seemed thrilled to leave this place.”
Both Jack and Dana look at him. She is the one who asks. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Just saw her at the parking lot. She ran out and got into a cab so fast, like someone’s chasing her. Or maybe she is chasing someone? Wouldn’t put it past her.”
“Well, no chasing needed for our cowboy,” Dana chuckles with her gaze on Abbot. “Did you choose where you’ll take her? Want me to ask around for recommendations so you can text her a couple of options?”
Jack wants someone to smack him in the head, hard. Because he surely needs to straighten up his mind. Not asking for your number the first time could be blamed on a lapse of sanity, but two times in a row? That’s what you would call a rare level of dumbassery.
As Dana sees his face fall, her own gets visibly confused — then shocked upon realization. “What, you don’t have her number?”
And everyone instantly mirrors her concern.
“You didn’t take it?”
“Why wouldn’t you?”
Jack is flabbergasted for a second. “Why is this a public discussion?!”
“Man, we were rooting for you!” Langdon throws up his hands.
“They were placing bets on how long it’d take you to get her number,” Dana snorts.
“They,” Frank mimics her. “As if you weren’t!”
Jack wearily covers his face with both palms, not in despair but with disappointment. In himself. There’s still some hope for him to cling to — they’ve got Bruno up in the OR, and you will probably come back to visit him. That was your plan, right? And what will his be if you never show up?
“What are we mourning over?” Robby nonchalantly comes by.
“My loss of 100 bucks,” Frank walks away, disgruntled.
“I only bet 15, you’re real bad at counting!” Dana shouts after him. Then she gives a joyless explanation. “No one won, though.”
Jack looks at Robby through his fingers. “Were you involved in this too?”
“Nah. I said you’d probably need a third chance.”
Abbot lowers his hands, brows furrowed in incomprehension.
“One of the ICU nurses saw you two getting all cozy with each other,” Robby keeps his voice down but still elicits a few giggles. He stares at Perlah and Princess, and they pretend to get back to work. “I figured you wouldn’t do that on day one. So there must be some history between you. And you know what they say, third time’s the charm,” he pats Jack’s shoulder reassuringly. “Do you at least know the name of her law firm?”
He is already taking lungfuls of air for a heavy sigh — because of course he didn’t ask about the firm, he is the top contender for the dumbass of the month award — but then the elevator dings. And Cassie walks into the hall, cheery as she hasn’t been in months.
Abbot gets an idea. And now he has more than a delusive hope.
“I know where I can find it out.”
McKay doesn’t take much convincing. She tells him that you gave her your assistant’s number — it’s not the answer he expected, but Jack’s grasping for straws. He makes the call with no delays, and the assistant picks up almost instantly. She’s got a thick accent that isn’t American, the vowels in her speech sound a little shorter. But her English is pretty good and so are her manners — because no one before has told Jack to fuck off so courteously. Whatever arguments he brings to get your number, she just refuses to relent: yes, sir, I understand the urgency. But you must know it’s private information, and I cannot verify your identity over the phone. Yes-yes, I’ll check the hospital website. But your photo doesn’t come with a voice recording, does it? That is unfortunate. You see, we really value our attorneys' privacy and safety. And there’s been a disturbing accident... Which I can’t talk to you about. Yes, I will let her know you called. I promise, sir. Yes, I’ll tell her that you called four times, that is an important detail, indeed.
And Jack is back to square one — still no clue where to find you, no last name and no address he can look up on Google. Bruno stays in their ICU for just one afternoon, and then Jack comes to work to learn he was transported to the other hospital — by helicopter and with a police escort that was too tight-lipped and fast to bother. Which robs Jack of the only hope he had, and he is too worn out to drown himself in work. So he takes two days off, gets eight hours of sleep, gets busy with mundane chores that make for a poor distraction.
His doorbell rings around 6 pm. He’s not expecting anyone — Robby is still at work, and a few other friends he’s got would’ve announced their visit. So Jack thinks someone must’ve gotten the wrong door, and he opens it without even looking in the peephole.
Instead of seeing some unbidden stranger, he sees you.
You’re standing at the door of his apartment. Wearing his shirt. The dark material is tucked carefully into your jeans, your hair undone. You greet Jack with a smile, a little tired and leaning on his doorframe.
“You made a lasting impression on my secretary.”
He has to take a breath and blink — once, twice — to make sure this is happening. There is a trace of a smile already on his face, he just can’t stop it. “You mean she was planning on filing a police report because she thinks I’m stalking you?”
“Actually, she liked you from the moment she figured you’re a doctor. Keeps asking if you are married or not.”
Jack puts his right hand up to show you — readily, happily, like he removed the curse that’s been tormenting him for years. “I’m not.”
And you see that he isn’t wearing the ring. He never put it back on — by now, there’s no mark left where it used to be, the white line faded with no trace. You watch his face for any hints of doubt or regret but he has none. The hint he gives you suggests the opposite: Jack steps back in a silent invitation, makes space for you to come in. To come back to.
You don’t rush in although it does look like you want to. Instead, you’ve got a suggestion of your own.
“I feel like I know more about you than you know about me. So ask me something. Anything, whatever you want to know,” your gaze is locked with his. “Before I come in.”
Because after you do, there will not be much talking. Not for the first few hours, Jack thinks. And he will gladly take ten times as long as to find out everything there is to know about you — he’ll take days, weeks, months, years. He is already sure there is nothing that can scare him away.
So what he asks about is not a deal-breaker — more so a mystery Jack can’t wrap his head around.
“How the hell are you still single?”
It’s not a hard question, and it’s the truth that you don’t shy away from — as easily as he once did, you open up to him, with honesty that he can read in your voice, eyes, face.
“I work a lot. There are always extra hours, sleepless nights, late calls from my clients who have no one else to talk to. I’m bad at taking breaks. I am... not good at asking for help. And I guess I’m used to prioritizing work because that’s what I’m left with when people leave. Not everyone will have the patience for that,” you try for your smile not to look sad but it’s the first thing that you fail at. “So I’m a handful.”
He’s quiet for barely two seconds. Then his lips curl into a grin.
“Well, I’ve got two hands. And some say that my arms look very steady,” he takes a step to you, and now instead of sadness, there’s glee — in your soft laugh and in your eyes that stay on him. “I will need one thing from you, though. Before you come in,” another step, so that he’s standing right in front of you. “I need your number.”
“Give me your phone.”
He does — you add the number to his contacts, then dial it so you can have his too. You hand his phone back, still smiling. “There you have it.”
“I plan on memorizing it,” Jack takes a quick look at the screen and then puts the device away.
He needs his hands free, he has no other words to add. He cannot tear his gaze away from you.
“Any other questions or requests?” you ask him quietly.
Jack shakes his head. And then it’s you who finally crosses the distance.
He reaches out a hand behind your back to close the door. As soon as you hear the locker click, that same hand pulls you into him. And then he kisses you — so ardently and deeply like he’s famished, like in your absence he struggled to survive. You let him take the lead — it’s your quiet surrender, it’s his most rewarding win; he savors it until you’re out of breath. Then you kick off your shoes, and Jack yanks off your t-shirt — you stop his hands and fold the piece of clothing and leave it on the first flat surface you can find — you aren’t sure if it’s a table or a shelf because he’s kissing you again, all the while you are stumbling your way through his apartment.
Jack does pause when you reach the bedroom — the city skyline stretched out behind the windows, the light already darkening from gold to copper as the evening comes. The rays cascade across the floor and walls — you are admiring the view, and he’s admiring you. It’s soft before it’s sexual: he lowers his head and drags his lips over your collarbone, then over another one. Then he moves higher — your throat, your jaw, your cheek.
“You’re staying,” he murmurs.
And even though it’s not really a question, you nod, fingers grazing the back of his neck. “Sorry for coming empty-handed. I should’ve brought some take-out.”
Jack moves one of his hands down to the button on your jeans, undoes it, two of his fingers slipping in, tracing the line of your lace panties. He didn’t get a chance to taste you last time, and now he’s twice as eager. “You brought me dessert.”
You laugh against his mouth and take his shirt off, your touches gentle but leaving goosebumps on his skin, making his heart race. He lays you down on his bed to get rid of your jeans, his voice muffled when he leaves a kiss on your hipbone.
“And breakfast is on me this time. It’s non-negotiable.”
You prop yourself up on your elbows. “You are saying there’s actual food in your fridge?”
“A terribly big amount of food. Also picked a bunch of spices from the Mexican aisle, and I have no clue how to use half of them,” his mouth comes back to yours, back to his new favorite flavors: of your lips, your smile, your moans he knows how to draw out. And you are both left breathless and desirous of more.
“So you were counting on us meeting again?” you tease.
“I was hoping for it,” Jack says truthfully. “Got pretty close to praying, actually.”
Pads of your fingers glide across his cheekbone. “You don’t strike me as a religious type.”
He doesn’t answer right away — but not out of hesitation or the lack of words. He doesn’t need many. He’s known the answer ever since he saw you in his kitchen, he’s been carrying his feelings for so long that now he’s threaded with them like the night sky with bright stars.
Jack tells you with raw candor, with a faint smile. “I’m not. But I believe you are a godsend.”
You trace the freckles under his left eye, your whisper and your gaze are filled with tenderness. “I kept thinking of an excuse to show up at your apartment.”
He lowers his face closer to yours and turns to place a soft kiss on your wrist, his hazel eyes with hints of green spilling more of his secrets: they say that he’s been looking for you everywhere. Then Jack speaks with words.
“I kept thinking I was a fucking idiot for not getting your number,” and his mouth hovers over yours before he adds, his voice hushed as if he’s still not fully convinced he has you. “I want to take you out.”
Jack looks at the specks of gold caught in your lashes and your eyes, the sunlight streaming through the glass, your bodies and his bedroom bathing in it. He feels his heart pounding.
“Am I being too old-school for aski—”
You close the gap between you, and this kiss is better than a dream: it feels like finding gravity and oxygen, like summer coming after years of winter, like now instead of hope there’s certainty, a future that is bright with possibilities. When Jack opens his eyes, he finds you smiling, and you’re brimming with it — the undeterred fondness, the warmth that says that you’ve been looking for him too.
“I’d love to go on a date with you, Jack Abbot.”
And he knows it will be just the first of many.
you’d never be able to tell but this was supposed to be porn with no plot... which I am apparently fcking incapable of. I want to write part 2 because I love them!
two gifsets that inspired this fic: x, x ♡
I have a mini-series about Jack x resident!reader that is very dear to me (I’ll make a masterlist for my Jack’s fics soon. there aren’t many but it will be easier to just add a link instead of me yapping);
SHOCKINGLY, I’m almost done with another Jack one-shot, and oh my god, I love it to pieces. reading it feels like a gut punch but in the best way possible. I can’t wait to share it ♡
dividers by @/cafekitsune, @/saradika-graphics & me.
♡ English is not my first language, so feel free to tell me if you spot any mistakes. comments and reblogs are very appreciated! let me know if you want to be tagged ♡
When I was writing the Fortnight music video, I wanted to show you the worlds I saw in my head that served as the backdrop for making this music. Pretty much everything in it is a metaphor or a reference to one corner of the album or another. For me, this video turned out to be the perfect visual representation of this record and the stories I tell in it. Post Malone blew me away on set as our tortured tragic hero and I’m so grateful to him for everything he put into this collaboration. I’m still laughing from getting to work with the coolest guys on earth, Ethan Hawke and Josh Charles (tortured poets, meet your colleagues from down the hall, the dead poets). I still can’t believe I get to work with the unfathomably brilliant Rodrigo Prieto on cinematography and my team of dream collaborators: Ethan Tobman (production design), Chancler Haynes (editor), Anthony Dimino (1st AD), Jil Hardin (producer) and Dom Thomas (executive producer). Parliament aced the VFX as always. Joseph Cassell, Lorrie Turk and Jemma Muradian made these tortured looks come to life. The entire crew made this a dream to shoot. Thank you to everyone involved and everyone who has watched it!! https://taylor.lnk.to/FortnightMV
The Tortured Poets Department. An anthology of new works that reflect events, opinions and sentiments from a fleeting and fatalistic moment in time - one that was both sensational and sorrowful in equal measure. This period of the author’s life is now over, the chapter closed and boarded up. There is nothing to avenge, no scores to settle once wounds have healed. And upon further reflection, a good number of them turned out to be self-inflicted. This writer is of the firm belief that our tears become holy in the form of ink on a page. Once we have spoken our saddest story, we can be free of it.
And then all that’s left behind is the tortured poetry.
THE TORTURED POETS DEPARTMENT is out now.
https://taylor.lnk.to/thetorturedpoetsdepartment
Girly no need to be sorry art takes time ❤️🫶🏼
thank you <3 next two chapters out now!!
Hope you're okay xx
i'm doing better!! next two chapters out now :)
Hiiii I just finished binging your Joel Series and honestly we should burn his house down and leave the town. jAcKsOn? more like Jackasses! Also I really want to know what Tommy’s Wife Maria really thinks and her opinion? Did she hate the mc like the whole town did?
hi!! i just posted the next two chapters :) i guess i should've probably mentioned this in the beginning, but maria doesn't exist in this fic, at least not as tommy's wife!
Sad Beautiful Tragic - Chapter 7
A/N: make sure you don't miss chapter 6!
Pairing: Joel Miller x Fem!Reader
Summary: Listen to 'Sad Beautiful Tragic' by Taylor Swift
Warnings: Stage 4 - depression (continued)
Word Count: 1.3K
Chapter 6 / Chapter 8
MINORS DNI
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Are they still talking about me?” You asked Tommy.
He shook his head.
“I had a talk with the, uh, problem. Everybody shut up pretty quickly after that.” He told you.
You nodded.
“‘Sides, there's some new folks in town that’s got everyone's attention.”
You furrowed your eyebrows.
“How long ago did they get here?” You asked, trying to determine if they’d possibly heard about you yet.
“Two days. Still settling in.” He responded.
On the bright side, they probably had no idea who you were. Thankfully.
A comfortable silence settled between the two of you, any residual tension fleeing the room.
“I really am thankful that you’re here.” You spoke.
Tommy turned to face you, regret filling his eyes.
“Yeah, I’ve been wanting to talk to you about everything for a while. ‘Spose I can’t be too surprised you wanted nothing to do with me for damn near a month.” He chuckled.
You smiled, grateful that you still had some kind of a friend in this whole shitshow.
“It wasn’t just you. I mean, you were definitely one of the reasons I shut myself inside for so long, but it wasn’t just you. It was everything. Joel, Carly, everyone in town… People I used to call friends and family were celebrating Joel like he hadn’t ripped my heart out.”
Tommy nodded, eyes trained on you.
“I just- I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t want to. I never thought that there’d be a world where it wasn’t me and Joel. It was always supposed to be us. He was the love of my life, maybe even still is.” You trailed off, picking at lint on your shirt.
“I get it.” He said. “The shit that the two of you went through to get here… Hell, I thought it’d be two of you ‘til the apocalypse finally took the world.”
You smiled sadly at him. “But it won’t be.”
Tommy shook his head.
“And I know I sound like an ass saying it, but maybe that’s for the best.”
The words shook you to your core. But you knew he was right. If Joel could do this to you, what else would he have done?
“No, you’re right. It just fucking hurts to hear. But I don’t get it. How could he do this to me? Why would he do this to me?”
It sounded to yourself like you were begging, even if you knew Tommy couldn’t do anything to help you.
Tommy shook his head, unsure of how to comfort you right now.
“Look, I came here for a reason. I want to apologize.” Tommy paused, trying to find the words to articulate how he was feeling. “The way I treated you - even if it wasn’t outright - was unacceptable. I guess I just couldn’t believe that Joel would do that to you, either. But that ain’t an excuse. I shoulda told you the second I knew something was goin’ on. You didn’t deserve that.”
You nodded your head, giving Tommy a small smile.
“Thank you, Tommy. I appreciate that, truly.”
Tommy nodded back at you. “Well, I should probably get going. Jus’ wanted to make sure you were alright.”
You watched him stand, waving goodbye as he walked out the door.
Your body was suddenly filled with energy, taken over by the need to do something. You decided that cleaning was exactly what you needed.
You started in the living room, straightening the furniture and dusting every surface you came across.
The entire house was spotless by the time the sun came up, and you were in desperate need of a shower.
You took your time, letting the hot water run down your back, knowing that you didn’t need to save any for Joel anymore. Tears almost leaked out of your eyes, but you let the shower hit your face, washing them away.
You walked into your bedroom, looking at Joel’s side of the room that you’d refused to clean. You decided it was finally time to tackle it.
You picked up any of Joel’s clothes that he’d left behind and shoved them into the closet, thinking about when you could return them to their rightful owner.
The bed was made and the side table dusted, and then you decided it was probably time to clean it out.
You went through the top drawer, cleaning out bullets, knives, and other odd bits Joel kept by his side at night. You scoffed at the drawing you’d done for him just a few months before you made it to Jackson. It was a poor rendering of Joel sleeping against a tree, but he’d thought it was the greatest piece of art that’d ever graced the Earth.
You threw it away without a second thought.
The second drawer held nothing but another piece of paper, addressed to you.
Your heart stopped at the sight of it, unsure if you were ready to read its contents.
Y/N,
I’m sorry. I know by the time you read this that I’m gone. And I just want you to know that I didn’t think this would ever happen. That I’d fall out of love for you. And I wish I could sit here and say it was your fault, but it wasn’t. Not even a little bit. You were perfect. Are perfect. We just don’t fit together anymore. Not like we used to. The kindness you showed me, the love you treated me with - I could never thank you enough for that. The months that we spent together were some of the best of my life, and I’ll never forget them, or you. You were probably the love of my life, and I would’ve asked you to marry me if it wasn’t for Carly. I can’t even say that she’s better than you, because she ain’t. But when things with us started getting hard, things with her got easy. And easy was what I wanted. Suppose I could’ve talked to you about it instead of doing what I did, but here we are. I’m sorry, darling. I never wanted us to end.
Joel
Tears were streaming down your face, and sobs were breaking out of your throat.
Words only meant so much when they were so late. If he would’ve talked to you about it like he’d mentioned, maybe you’d still have him.
But how long would you sit here, waiting for yourself to realize that you deserve better? Would it be longer than your wait for him to come back for you?
You thought about the dreams you’d had recently, meeting him in warm conversation in the only bar in Jackson, hands entwined over the table.
But you’d always wake up alone, in a different bed than the man you once loved.
And time had never taken longer to take the memory of something. There were things from just a few months ago you couldn’t recall anymore, like the way his eyes shone as he looked at you, or the way his face lit up as he watched you walk into the bedroom every night.
But time was taking its sweet time erasing the memory of him completely. Of the things that he’d done, the things he was still doing.
It was like he was haunting you, even if he wasn’t truly dead. You were stuck in the remains of a relationship that you’d watched crumble in your hands.
Your chest started constricting, pain filling your entire body as the heartbreak finally made itself known.
A scream broke out of you, echoing off the walls and bouncing back into your ears.
The front door burst open, loud footsteps coming up the stairs drawing your eyes towards the door.
Part of you hoped it was Joel, but all of you knew that it wasn’t.
When the door to your bedroom opened, it was Tommy standing there, chest heaving with the exertion of running up the stairs.
“What happened?” He asked, taking in your heaving sobs as you laid crumpled on the floor.
You just shook your head, willing yourself to get it together, but it was no use.
You had finally broken.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Chapter 6 - Last Kiss
A/N: i deeply apologize for the wait on this chapter. i have genuinely no excuse. i'm sorry if i've disappointed any of you with the wait. chapter 7 is also out
Pairing: Joel Miller x Fem!Reader
Summary: Listen to 'Last Kiss' by Taylor Swift
Warnings: Stage 4 - depression
Word Count: 1.2K
Chapter 5 / Chapter 7
MINORS DNI
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It got harder after that.
Hearing everyone in town celebrate Joel like he hadn’t ripped your heart out of your chest and stomped it into the ground still made you nauseous.
You hadn’t gotten out of bed in days. You could hear Ellie come and go; hear Tommy knocking on your door and calling out to you.
You just couldn’t get up.
You could still perfectly see that look on his face - the one that he had when he still loved you. It would be the middle of the night - you never knew the exact time - but the love in his eyes was highlighted by the moonlight streaming in through your window.
He told you he loved you, so why did he go?
There shouldn’t have been a world where you existed without Joel. There shouldn’t be a world where he celebrates you leaving him. There can’t be a world without him.
The smell of the rain stuck in your nose from the night you waited for him to come home.
You knew better than to wait outside - getting sick wouldn’t help anyone - but the smell of the rain permeated the walls of your home.
The window was foggy from your breath hitting the glass, but you didn’t pull back. Hoping that Joel would come home in one piece was enough to keep you rooted in your spot, even as you started to fall asleep.
And just when you were starting to doubt him, there he was, walking through town back home to you. His eyes were trained on the window, the look on his face telling you everything you needed to know.
He was here. He was okay. He was home.
You flung the door open, sprinting down the steps of your house to meet him.
His face lit up, his eyes brightening as he tracked your every movement toward him.
You threw your arms around his neck, your legs wrapping around his waist as he caught you, holding you against him like his life depended on it. The beat of his heart was tangible through his shirt, the strong, steady rhythm soothing your nerves.
If you could still recall that night so clearly, couldn’t he?
Why did he go?
Joel’s shirt was still wrapped around your frame from several days ago, though you knew you should probably just throw it away. It served no purpose besides reminding you that he was no longer there - it’s typical comfort long gone.
You rolled out of bed, aiming to make your way to the kitchen to eat, but you ended up sitting on the floor leaning against your bed.
How can you be something he misses?
Did he miss you at all?
You thought back to all the parties the two of you had gone to together - the swing in his step as he walked through the door, showing off just for you.
He’d grab your hand, pulling you out of your seat as you rolled your eyes at him. You never liked dancing, but with him, you’d do anything.
Because you loved him.
You loved the respect he showed the ones you loved; you loved the way he walked with his hands in his pockets even after you’d told him not to; you loved the way he’d always interrupt your rants with a kiss to calm you down.
But now, you could only watch his life from afar. You could only watch as he walked through town with her, proudly holding her hand like he once did with yours. You could only watch as Ellie followed behind him, even though her eyes always strayed to you.
You could only watch his life go on as you used to watch it stop as he slept at night.
But you’d keep up with Tommy, if only to know how Joel was doing. Despite all that he’d put you through, you could only hope that it was nicer on the other side for him.
But you couldn’t help but wish that something would remind him that he wished he had stayed - that he had never done this to begin with.
You just never thought you’d have a last kiss.
Not even in your worst nightmare did you think this would happen.
The only thing you had left of him was his name ringing in your memory like a church bell tolling.
The pounding on the door finally caught your attention, and you decided it was finally time to open it.
You slowly made your way downstairs, noticing the dust building up along the way.
A nice deep clean will help, you thought.
You stopped in the living room, staring at the space that Joel once occupied.
You couldn’t help the tears from forming in your eyes, and you didn’t try to stop them when they started falling down your cheeks.
A sob made its way up your throat, forcing itself out as you collapsed against the wall.
You were broken.
Joel had taken everything you had given him and left you behind like it meant nothing. And maybe it had.
Maybe all of the late nights and car rides and looking out for each other truly was nothing. Maybe it was just Joel helping out the girl who wouldn’t have survived on her own.
You leaned your head back against the wall, trying to will yourself to stop crying and open the door.
How long had it been since you’d been outside? You glanced over at the window, noting the darkness seeping through the panes.
Days? Weeks?
You weren’t sure anymore.
Another knock on the door startled you out of your mind, drawing your attention to the piece of wood separating you from the world - from Joel.
You got up and walked over, opening the door to see Tommy standing on your porch.
The two of you stared at each other for a few moments, taking the other in. Tommy looked good. His hair was clean and brushed, he was dressed like he’d been outside all day. The same certainly couldn’t be said for you.
You couldn’t imagine what he was seeing right now. What would he notice first? Your greasy, tangled hair? The clothes you’d been in for however long? Joel’s shirt?
“You been cryin’?” He asked you.
You blinked, confused as to how that was the first thing he’d seen.
You nodded your head, tears burning the back of your eyes again.
“Uh,” your voice cracked, “yeah.”
He nodded, his eyes trailing over your figure as he took you in.
“How long has it been since…” you trailed off, afraid to speak about what happened.
“Three weeks.”
You wished you could’ve been surprised, that that answer would’ve shocked you, but it didn’t.
You nodded your head, looking for something to say. After a few moments of hesitation, you spoke up.
“Can you come inside?” You asked him.
It was clear that Tommy was hesitant - he didn’t move an inch.
“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” He asked you.
“Why wouldn’t it be?”
“Well, I haven’t exactly been a saint about this whole situation.” He shrugged.
You shook your head. “That’s not what matters right now. I appreciate you checking on me even if you were protecting Joel before.”
He nodded, eyes trained on the wood beneath his feet.
He followed you inside the house, sitting down on the couch as you walked into the kitchen and grabbed a glass of water.
“So,” he said, “where should we start?”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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File Name: The Black Dog 🗃️
THE TORTURED POETS DEPARTMENT Collector’s Edition Deluxe CD + Bonus Track.
Includes Department-issued essentials for tortured poets: patch, bookmark, magnet, and collectible photo cards with never-before-seen images. Limited quantities available! Pre-order before March 6 at 2pm ET or while supplies last. 🤍
Go to Taylor Swift - The Tortured Poets Department.
happy leap day🕴️
How is the angsty Joel Chapter coming?
hi im so so so sorry to everyone who was expecting a chapter today. i had classes and work and homework and i just got back to my dorm room :( i pinky promise it WILL be out tomorrow, i don't want to try rushing it tonight and disappointing everyone🫶
Minutes from Friday’s meeting:
✍️ THE TORTURED POETS DEPARTMENT is out Apr 19.
✍️ You can nickname it TORTURED POETS if you hate long album titles.
✍️ New album edition The Albatross with an exclusive bonus track is available to pre-order until Feb 26 at 2pm ET (or while supplies last)!
Go to Taylor Swift - The Tortured Poets Department.
File Name: The Albatross 📂
THE TORTURED POETS DEPARTMENT Collector’s Edition Deluxe CD + Bonus Track.
Includes Department-issued essentials for tortured poets: patch, bookmark, magnet, and collectible photo cards with never-before-seen images. Limited quantities available! Pre-order before Feb 26 at 2pm ET or while supplies last. 🤍
Go to Taylor Swift - The Tortured Poets Department.
