Absolute Wurst

Still an absolute joke, but now also a sausage. 30-something and haven’t left Tumblr since joining in 2011.

[33v0]

[zagzie]

this is the best tag I’ve ever gotten in my notifs actually

[beadyeyes]

[segamascott]

[nintooner]

Wise words

[ampervadasz]

[summerash17]

Advanced maneuvers

[hoodiegal]

Schmovement

[cleo-fox]

Writing tips:

“You feel the bulge in his pants” - implies that you are feeling some guy’s penis, may be sexy depending on context

“You feel the bugle in his pants” - implies that this guy has a military horn in his pants, invites confusing questions like why does he have that and how big are his pockets

[maple-seed]

Both options convey that he's horny

[cleo-fox]

How dare you be funnier than me on my own post

[theomnipotentfox]

If it's the snack chip he might just be corny.

[teaboot]

I think that if you had enough daughters AND played your cards right you could spring Mambo Number Five out at the EXACT right gathering and shatter your entire family's trust forever

[teaboot]

The secret is to name them out of order with the lyrics so by the time anyone catches on it's too late

[teaboot]

For me personally the ideal gathering would be my funeral

[escuerzoresucitado]

[wizardchampion]

[fleshengine]

Japan knows how to make a game show.

[alzraed]

I have been looking for this for YEARS. On the main blog you go!

[eixd-deactivated20150710]

The rest of the space is going to be pretty pissed when they see this. 

[thesassycat]

did you google how to take a screen shot

[eixd-deactivated20150710]

YES I GOOGLED HOW TO TAKE A SCREEN SHOT FIGHT ME 

[ranni-thewitch]

divert all power to the funk engine

[kymeira]

[jinjeriffic]

Lets hear it for Malicious Compliance

[elkian]

*filming literal mold* “There is a bit of a damp problem…” The signs saying “DON’T BUY THIS” are a beautiful touch.

[silly-signs]

Official silly sign(s)

[horsefriend]

[putnamspuppeteer]

For those who don't know: Ikumi Nakamura is the woman who was senior artist on Bayonetta, and designed the titular character along with Hideki Kamiya. Their greatest moment of bonding was over their insistence that Bayonetta keep her glasses on at all times. Nakamura cannot go to horny jail. She is the warden.

[brookietf]

[catgirlforeskin]

Happy pride month to her and her exclusively

[seraphiminn]

she made a comic about the experience on twitter

[catboybiologist]

happy pride

[ikindamaybewanthertositonmyface]

An Update from back in October I'm surprised wasn't added to this post. lol

[wuggen]

Heard a car horn today that was tuned to a fifth. Fucked up, kinda delightful

[wuggen]

I want people to understand how jarring this was. Most car horns are either a single tone or two tones somewhere in the neighborhood of a minor third apart:

Visit Original Link

Visit Original Link

Pretty normal rush hour sounds, yeah? But this thing sounded something like this:

Visit Original Link

Fucked up! Didn't even realize it was a car horn at first, I didn't know what the fuck it was! It was weird as hell!

[fictionvssleep]

[cheeseanonioncrisps]

Okay but imagine being the team of Eridian scientists tasked with keeping Erid's Only Human alive for as long as possible while the whole planet's environment is literally trying to kill him. And then Rocky shows up and is like:

“Grace says he would like half of dome to be water.”

“Oh, is necessary for humans to have large amounts of water question?”

Small Eridian equivalent of a sigh. “No. Not needed for life. In fact Grace will die if he falls in water and does not get out.”

“Tell him we give him water in containers that won't kill him. Lots lots lots of water on Erid for Grace to drink.”

“No. Grace say he want water on ground. Also want it with excess sodium chloride compound so it will be unhealthy for drink.”

“WHY QUESTION???”

[cheeseanonioncrisps]

To celebrate Erid getting their sun back on track, Grace asks for some alcohol. There's a small amount left from the Hail Mary and Rocky offers to take it to the science Eridians to see if they can synthesise more.

“Grace want this liquid for celebration.”

“Of course.” They scan it. “You have wrong liquid. This contain compounds which are poisonous for humans.”

“Yes yes yes. Grace say humans like feeling of being slightly poisoned.”

“WHY QUESTION?????”

[cheeseanonioncrisps]

Grace is like one of those extremely finicky tropical fish who instantly die if not kept in extremely specific conditions.

Only here the fish can talk and keeps asking you to make it vodka.

[the-haiku-bot]

Only here the fish

can talk and keeps asking you

to make it vodka.

Beep boop! I look for accidental haiku posts. Sometimes I mess up.

[theocseason4]

[longscorsese]

king

[puertohurraco]

King

[vortigone]

[occidentalist]

“Pack it up boys we’ve made a social blunder” is the funniest sentence I’ve ever read 😭😭😭😭😭

[tall]