The external me and the internal me, are at odds. Perfectly misaligned and what has been brewing for many months is slowly making me hopeless.
I’ve spent a lot of my time sincerely reflecting on how I’ve become this way. I’ve always struggled with feelings of abandonment, loss and yearning for meaningful connection. I want to be around people who don’t just perceive me, but actually see me, on a deeper, more meaningful level.
I feel like I’ve failed at life. But everyday I try to improve my circumstances, I work hard to remain disciplined and honour who I want to be. I see the results in so many aspects of my life: my career and my spirituality, to name a few. I don’t struggle to connect with people, but I feel that when I peel back a layer or two to show who I really am, most people feel afraid or small and shut the connection down.
Sometimes an unfulfilling presence can feel more tolerable than total absence. I’m human, I’m wired for connection, even if it’s shallow or conflicting. When you know profound loss - repeatedly - the silence of being alone. A feel like a return to the void. Throughout all of my relationships I’ve fought against abandonment, against the loss of structure, presence and meaning. I was holding on for deeper reasons than just love. And those deeper meanings may have blinded me from just how one-sided those relationships had become.
Most people in my life weren’t cruel, manipulative or intentionally hurtful, they have almost always been in control - not of me, but of the emotional economy of those relationships. Where I was emotionally consistent; they were conditional. And that sort of dynamic - even when unintentional- creates power.
I’m not afraid to love deeply - but I’m becoming hopeless that I’ll be get that chance again and even if I do it won’t be reciprocated.