I write lines and my tragedies

Onward to my escape / by-grey / @snekdaishou

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I think I've figured it out

you're sick and I know why I doubt

you want to pull me down with you

but I'm stronger and you want me out

you wonder if I'm happy

happier than you

that question goes unasked

you're too scared to figure it out

I won't stoop down to lose myself

just so I could be with you

I won't risk my sanity just so I could cry with you

I'm stronger and higher, finer than you

lost but I know what to do

whenever I pull you up, you disappear because

you don't know how high I'd lift you

you say you're depressed so I say I will help

I tell you I hear, I tell you I'm here

but you don't want that

you want me down in the dumps

you don't want me happier than you

you want me sad, mad, lost with regret

just so I feel worth it with you

I've figured it out, why I feel bad with you

you make me feel stuck, not know what to do

because you want me, down with you

you feel insecure, I feel better than you

it feels freeing now that I know the truth

and my heart no longer aches for you

I think from now on, I will just let go

there isn't much now that I could do

because you're wrong if you think that I would want you

when I'm the worst kind of person I'd be

I won't make a move, I won't think I'm worthy

what more when I'm the best I could be?

unknowing to you, I see the sun in you

the colours after the clouds part

I was your sunflower but now I see that I'm your sun

and now I guess you're just mud

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I dreamt of love, a love so high

he was a star, a perfect guy

I tugged him close, arms around his torso

and under his gaze, I was safe, awake

he wants to see me, another moment later

I told him wherever - with him is where I'll never miss

but he was a star, even close, he was away

because he felt warm, real, mine

until the moment I wake

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I fall for your tricks

again and again

but this time I commend

it's my fault I let myself in

I told you the truth

about dreams I have of you

and you took it too well

I feel like I lose

my feelings are there

I've nowhere to hide

you're stupid tonight

if I slept well and cried

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nowadays it gets easier to believe

when I say being alone is all I can achieve

I drown and laugh at my grief

the inevitable pain yet soothing relief

of nothing pulling me down

an empty weightless pain

a dream of love and laughter

the absence I refrain

could I still seek for joy?

in spaces far and wide

when I'm just on my own?

standing on no one's side

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why do I always cry when I think of you?

even though I know there's no us

it's nothing new

why do you give me hope?

let my thoughts run through

when you will not be there

for when I seek you

just like this again, I give up

there's nothing between us

truth is tough

but deep inside I know

just one call from you

and I'll come running back

arms out in due

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once in awhile, I'll hear myself say

"stop dreaming about it,

happiness isn't coming your way"

and for a moment I crumble

my thoughts in disarray

like it was apparent

but that wasn't okay

I know I'll be happy

in my very own way

I'll smile for myself

and love everyday

I don't need companions

or lovers to say,

"I love you,

I need you"

then just walk away

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I'm capable of loving so much

so why isn't anyone capable of loving me?

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it's abit tough for me to forgive

as much as it is to forget

or am I unable to care about us

the broken pieces we left as we cussed

but now thinking of you

there's a fond I've avoided to see

one that misses the view

and the other of us that we'll be

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a week ago, I had an eerie feeling

that my death was to come

a car crash, I believed it

although I hate to leave my house

the words left my mouth before I could stop it

and that was when I knew

and believed the doom was coming

as the days went closer to the time of my death

I stared into blank, will I really be killed

and as the morning of my death came by

I was told that I didn't need to leave the house

my father went in my stead, and he reached home shortly

in a way, my father saved me

but was I really going to die

was it going to be a car crash

or was I going to step in front of a moving car

fully knowing my death would be an accident

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sometimes it feels like I'm not meant to live this long

like my potential ended somewhere and I've run dry

there isn't a future, one that I'm sure of

it used to be black and white and now I can't see

where do I go from now on, the answer I thought I'd know

when the time has come I'll understand

that's what I wanted to do

but now I'm lost, I've reached my end

but how is it going to be

I've fulfilled my life, at just 20

where do I go, should I still breathe

or should I leave

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why do I miss the people I shouldn't miss

the ones I have no right to even think of

for they did not deserve my selfish feelings

that feeling of shunting them off

I could say with all my heart then

"the time wasn't right"

but it'll never excuse my cowardice, as I ran out and hide

so I'm left in the dark, tracing the path of your light

as you left me in the shadows, out of sight

am I your bitter memory, the first love you hate

or the first girl you never think of a second more

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you don't deserve my kindness

you don't deserve to be the reason why my heart aches

like a thousand knots tightened and my breath snatched away

you don't deserve my cravings

for when I stared at you longingly wondering how your hair would feel under my skin

I don't deserve this pain

I don't deserve to be lost

left to think about what we could have been and where I've gone wrong

because as much as it was my mistake

it was your fault too

that we are suffering and drowning in the suffocating air of ambiguity that our relationship is founded on

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I want to stop thinking of you

when I think of love

I want to be free from the smile

that warmed me up

because it comes with pain

and there's nothing to gain

from a lost love that never existed

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I don't think many realise this but

when I love someone, I really do

when I want to be with someone,

I go out of my way to be with you

I'm still scared, I still run

but if my feelings are strong

I'll cry so much chasing after you

because it hurts, but I want

and it's a pain, to be in love

I don't think many realise this but

I can fall out of love, very easily

if I feel the first gush of affections,

and realise that I'm slipping out a few

I take a step back and wake up

when I don't want to waste my time with you

but I indulge when I do

when I think that you're worth it

when I want to

when the ache feels amazing

but no one knows

they don't realise

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past relationship, you say?

like you knew it'd get my attention

for me to start wrecking my brain

and ruin all thoughts of rejection

but I like us as we are

and I'm not wanting anymore

so if you're just gonna sit there all bitter

about this past relationship we had

I'd rather we just be friends

than to pretend to hate one another

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to those who take on the roles

occupying my head at night

whether we still see each other

or have forgotten what it's like

I'd like to thank you for the company

this made up future, memories

feelings I've lost touch with

returning very endearingly

the crafted stories

makes an ideal world

with you still beside me

in my loneliest night

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at times like this I wanna be in love

alone in the dark, bolster too small

messy cold sheets, silent streets

when I crave for heat

physical or at least

words to keep me up

heat on my cheeks

why do I keep yearning for the impossible

the feeling I shrugged off then

why do I keep my hopes up

like there will always be a chance

this too familiar chill, that I'll never forget

but it's like, I need the fireplace on

and I've prepared the logs, like that

burning, just burning for me

but the logs nowhere ignite

just like that very same desire

when the sun greets me

and I forget the need to hold on to someone tight