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[aceacean]

TW: Manipulative/Toxic Relationship I am currently rewatching Greys Anatomy and I remember now what helped me break free from a relationship that was not healthy for me. It was Cristina Yang. One of the ways she helped me was was during this one slip of a tongue on the 11th episode of Season 6. Although it was a mistake on her part and she did try to take it back afterwards, for me it was as if a light switch inside of me has been turned on after watching this scene.

You see growing up, I was always a hopeless romantic. Almost every person close to me that I encounter was a possible candidate for my love-life. Being "in love" took a huge chunk of my attention and pretty much my entire being. And I had all these written out love-story in mind for myself when I get older. I was the easiest to bait of all the easy ones. And that is what happened. Imagine, I was 17 and then this older guy somehow saw something in me and started to give me so much attention and he was so expressive of his love for me. Plus he was so good at making me feel loved - hand-written letters, random gifts, surprise visitations and all this other stuff that made it become easier for me to ignore the fact that he was a lying, manipulative and hurtful man.

But I was a kid, 17, 18, 19... I was a kid and being loved like the ways we see in the movies was my greatest goal in life. It was everything I ever wanted, never mind the part that he tried to lift me up by my collar or he lied that he had cancer just to get my sympathy or the part where we would always argue on the phone screaming curses towards one another or even the fact that he was an adult who decided to court a minor. Never mind all of those because on the bright side he was loving me the way I wanted to be loved, sort of like a fairytale.

But when Cristina Yang said those words, I was taken back. Because she loved Owen so much. But for her, loving him was not worth losing her passion and herself in the process. Her willingness to give up her boyfriend for surgery it make me think "Hold on, maybe I can do that too." And it was like for the first time in my life I was seeing things so clearly. And then I just broke down crying finally remembering all this ugliness that took place behind every #couplegoals I had with him. And suddenly the idea of love seemed so small for me. Because not one good thing he did for me was ever enough to compensate to the life i've lost because of him. And that was it. That was the start of me letting go of the fantasy I built about him and see the truth.

All because Cristina Yang showed me that it's okay to let go of something that is holding you back. For her it was about being the best surgeon but for me it was realizing that I can let go of him because I have to love myself more... that I am the sun and I am enough. (Note: yes, the context of the scene is not connected to my situation but I think that is what made the art of storytelling so complex and beautiful, because as viewers/readers we can bend it's meaning for our benefit and need)

[aceacean]

I will try harder this time

To my friends,

When I was in 8th grade, I found myself adopted by a bunch of church kids who were not much older than I am now. They treated me like a little sister and it was during that time that I got to be more confident with myself, because suddenly --- there's this huge amount of people who thinks I am lovely and cool.

They changed my life for good. But then life has taken its course, and slowly we all drifted apart.

And then a year ago one of the kids who took me in, who became so close to my heart, suddenly passed away. He was so young, at the age of 30 we lost him. I lost him, my brother, my kuya, our superman.

The pain of losing a friend, it's unspeakable. Until now, I can't find the words to express the heartbreak it caused me to know that I'll never see him again and that I'll never speak to him again, and I'll never hear him play the piano ever again. And what makes the pain so unbearable is because I have this huge amount of regret. That looking back the last convo I had with him through messenger was more than a year before he passed away.

And I just hoped that I reached out more, that I didn't let myself get so lost into this turmoil of life that I lost track of what matters more --- people.

That is why I am throwing away any ounce of self-respect, I will be clingy, I will ring you, I will suddenly pop in your notifications. Because hell if I will let myself experience that regret again.

This time, I'll do it better. This time, I'll try harder.

Fuck "it is what it is", no more drifting apart. You're stuck with me for life.

With intention,

Ace

[aceacean]

A packed lunch by Mommy

One day I was kid and then I turned my head for a moment and suddenly I am now teaching little children who were as clueless as i was --- or rather, as i am, For i am nowhere near being an adult and yet here I am going to work everyday like I'm having a little cosplay Everyday is a struggle Figuring out who I am and what to do But when the clock ticks to two, I open a box prepared by you A single bite and all the burden goes light A single taste and suddenly I am no longer a little kid filled with fright I can cook my own meals just fine, a scrambled egg and a couple of hotdogs will do But for some reason when it's you --- even a sunny side up can turn my day away from being blue May it be ginling or a bating itlog, it's the magic of your touch that makes it feel like I'm eating something fancy - Like a Michelin restaurant with three stars shining brightly And for a moment, whenever i eat a packed lunch prepared by you, i find myself home and with you and the little kid in me feels safe and sound And my tummy is filled with your care and with your love For nothing beats a packed lunch by my mom no fasfood chain or free meal will ever compete With meal that was made with the love of my mommy Lucky me, i have my mommy Because with her i look forward to my lunch time in between my misery

[aceacean]

I am falling in love with a stranger. 

Every night I lie awake and for a moment I will have a little talk, a talk with a stranger. Every night our topic changes, sometimes we would have a walk-down in a memory lane that I have almost forgotten, other times it will tell me all about its dreams, there are also moments when I would say unkind things towards her but then she will tell me things that will randomly lighten up my mood. 

There are days when my body is too tired already but I will want to stay awake just to have these little talks. For it is during these small moments that I get a glimpse of who this stranger is, and for every night that I lie awake — not to torture myself into the slavery of my job — but to get to know this stranger, I feel more alive, I feel more grateful to be here in this world and then slowly I find myself coming to like who she is. And getting to know this stranger, the person who always watches me through every mirror I see, made me love the life I am living. Because despite everything, here she is — still introducing herself to me. And even after all the heartache and pain she had to endure simply because of existing, she is still fighting so fiercely and she, for some reason, never gave up on me.

How incredibly lucky I am, to be able to know this stranger. How lucky I am to have the strength to see life through and slowly become kinder towards her. How lucky I am to live this life everyday and fall in love with this stranger in the mirror. And to live this life getting to know her as she grow. 

[aceacean]

Sometimes, I want to just stop existing. But then, I don't want to feel any pain.

What a coward am I... to fear pain while I cry every passing day away. But, I guess it can't be helped. I suffered enough while surviving, I don't wanna suffer while I take my leave. And at the same time, I don't want to leave just yet, because at the back of my mind I see a life I want to live. But it's just a distant fantasy, too far from this hellish reality. So, I don't know. To cease to exist or to exist while dreaming. What is a better way to be. I don't know. Maybe I'll just stay as is, in pain, lost and dreaming.

[aceacean]

Love

Love

Love

Love

Love

Oh, how much I love that word,

Ever since I was kid, I was never shy of it. It flowed so easily right off my tongue, my hand had memorized each curve of every letter in that word and I can hear it being spoken even if it was just a whimper from miles away.

In my teenage years I have known that word so well that it somehow lost its meaning at some point. Because suddenly it becomes something I speak of without much consideration and without taking a moment to fully indulge the grandeur of its content.

I am now 24 years old. Through experience and hardship, I’ve come to realize the heaviness that this word brings. How every time I speak it, it can cause a ripple effect of events that will no longer be in my control. And how even though it is merely a word --- there will be times that it is not I who gets to control its trajectory but rather it has the power to overthrow my own logic and senses.

Love

It has four letters

And yet it is so so much more. Not only does it embody happiness, hope, and life – it is also acquainted with grief, sorrow, and frustration. It is as if every other emotion is connected to this one single word. How every nervous reaction of our body is fundamentally rooted to our capacity to love or the lack of it in our life.

And it is just four letters.

I am still in awe of love, I love seeing different lenses of love in different aspects of life – may it be in reality, in fiction or even in my own imagination. I adore its presence and I am forever grateful to be so full of it --- as a giver and receiver. Nevertheless, I now understand that love, might it be a gift so underserved, it can also be a dagger that will pierce through my beating heart because of how much it is spent. Because love, like everything else in this world, has its consequences.

For to love is to live, but to live is to understand the even parallel of this world between happiness and pain – it gives and it takes. A cycle of torture and joy that will rip you apart and put you back together again. And it will continue to do so, because it shall never fade.

[aceacean]

Living Like A Warrior - An uncalled for late night thoughts after watching Physical Asia

There’s not a single drop of caffeine in my veins right now, but for some reason my heart beat is unbelievably abnormal. It races and it aches. And the very reason is because of a show. A reality show that had nothing to do with me, I am neither an athlete nor a Mongolian, I have not a single ounce of grit in terms of physically crafting my body. But I have been mesmerized by the show Physical 100 before, and now with Physical Asia’s finale, I felt so defeated when the team that I am rooting for the most did not win. As if I was with them in this journey. And somehow this pain and heartbreak make me want to fight this life head on. To no longer dodge its throwaways and to not just glide and ride every twist and turns that comes towards me.

As of late, I feel like my own quest are continuous emotional and mental turmoil, it is as if life is dedicated on bending my will and putting away my fire. Every day is made up of extraordinary challenges that begs to question my very existence, every moment is dealt with pain and uncertainty. But despite all these, I find my self unfazed, at least on the surface. Much like the Mongolia’s team captain, Orkhon, I ask the question “Why would I be afraid?” and put on a brave face every day. Not because I am fearless but because of familiarity with such suffering and torture. I wake up and see another mountain of demons and I brush it off by thinking, I have faced much worse. “What can possibly scare me now?” I would often say. But deep within, I am scared shitless.

But while I carry this fear, I also carry with me a deep wanting. And that is that I want to finish all of these challenges, whether I will be met with defeat or triumph, I want to stick around until the end. I want to continue living to the point wherein I will not realize that all these challenges that bothers me now are nothing but memories that I can simply forget or revisit whenever I wish.

More than that, much like the Mongolian team, I want to fight through life head on, dismiss the possibility of regrets and give life my all. I shall not be condemned to live it like a robot or a slave to its demands and norms. Rather than letting life bend me to towards its ‘fate’, I want to take over the course of my life and be a warrior that fights to give myself the win that I deserve in every season of my entire existence. I shall no longer wait around and wait for life to happen to me. I will live it, I will live life until I am spent. I will live this life – because there’s nothing after this. I will live it. I will live it. I will live.