[aslongasitsblack]

shane hollander rocks because in so many ways he gives the vibe of someone who’s been living in his parents basement his whole adult life but he’s actually a wildly successful athlete and a massive massive whore

[aslongasitsblack]

anytime ilya tries to peacock for shane by doing like one handed pushups or pull ups on some random infrastructure it only works for a few minutes before shane is itching to go OKAY MY TURN NOW

[clytemnestraaa]

ok actually the fact that in tlg hayden is convinced that ilya is straight and not sexually attracted to men and has been fucking shane for a DECADE and is now LIVING WITH and ENGAGED to him as part of ilya’s plot to corrupt and ruin his hockey competitor and leave shane heartbroken and ruined at the altar while twirling his dastardly mustache is actually iconic. like could you even blame ilya at that point. he leaves boston for ottawa and tanks his own career and becomes a political refugee exiled from his home country so he can fuck a guy he’s not even attracted to in order to ruin his life. that would be the hardest anyone has ever balled. they call it the long game for a reason.

[avantgarden-er]

If ilya threw the first pitch at a baseball game it would be reminiscent of the carly rae jepsen pitch because he would think he would be good at it and just not prepare and cliff would be laughing his ass off and making fail edits on his instagram stories of the ball only making it halfway. ilya would look at the jumbotron and be like Cut Camera. Cut. camera. And shane would be on the phone with Rose like what do i do… its everywhere… the video… and Rose would be like Oh! I don’t know! I don’t date guys that would be bad at throwing a baseball :/ anyways lets do brunch soon! And yuna would call ilya and be like Honey. Yeah. I saw the footage

[kaijuerotica]

the first time shane lays a fertilized egg he carefully incubates it for the entire off season and proudly hatches a hockey puck

[faggotry-enjoyer]

I feel like tumblr is giving me a skewed impression of what Heated Rivalry is about

[kaijuerotica]

what do u mean

[heartcellar]

MOST WANTED MAN ☆ HOLLANOV

[clytemnestraaa]

are you on board with the fanon shane-svetalana friendship? i just personally can’t see shane ever really liking her but that’s also because i just don’t see she and ilya ever setting boundaries with each other. i think they still kiss goodbye (not make out but yeah kiss on the lips), still sleep in the same bed half naked and still have hours long phone calls late at night when he would otherwise be in bed with shane. i know shane isnt a particularly jealous guy but he doesn’t even really like the concept of splitting ilya’s attention with a dog or that it’s easier for ilya to talk to his therapist in russian. i can’t see a version where he is happy with svetlana unless i completely rework my vision of ilya and svetlana

i think they could reach a kind of uneasy truce where shane could eventually be glad that ilya has a non-shane-dependent source of love and support in his life and that svetlana was there for love and support throughout his childhood when ilya was so desperately lonely. but i don’t think shane gets there until they’ve been married for several years, and i don’t think he is ever going to be FRIENDS with svetlana. if only because svetlana is like “ilya your new boyfriend is controlling and also you are having a manic episode” and ilya blocks her and then unblocks her eventually but it’s weird for a long while.

also i DO think shane is a jealous person both of svetlana but also specifically he’s jealous of ilya’s bisexuality because shane does NOT wanna be here and queer he just reluctantly had to accept having no choice in the matter. so his weird relationship with svetlana is like… not totally that he’s jealous of her. an imperfect analogy would be if you wanted to go to medical school really badly and that was your assumption and goal all your life, and then you didn’t get in. and your boyfriend DID get in, and he didn’t even care that much, and he decided NOT to go so you could be together. and now whenever he brings up almost going to medical school you get really bitter and twitchy. in some strange way, shane respects ilya less for choosing shane over heterosexuality. just like he respects ilya less for choosing shane over hockey.

anyways i don’t think shane himself actually comes around on svetlana until she accidentally lets slip (because ilya would never) that ilya tried to kill himself when he was 15 and she was the one who stopped him and covered for him which allowed him to keep playing hockey. and shane is soooo mad and ilya is like “she is exaggerating and it was never relevant to bring up!” and shane finally talks to her later is like solemnly. gritted teeth. “svetlana. i owe you. an… apology….”

however svetlana isn’t fully coming around on shane until the centaurs win a cup.

[shanebug]

do you think that if shane and ilya were to start hanging out with more queer people sometimes ilya would have to be like "by the way dont mention being a landlord in front of these ones. i know the rich art collector gays we met the other week at that gala talked to you about property investment but i dont think this queer birdwatching club will take it as well"

[ticklefighthockey]

the real fantasy of heated rivalry isn’t that the hot cocky sex god will fall in love with the uptight socially awkward virgin… the real fantasy is that you can be sooooooo fucking annoying & avoidant & allergic to intimacy and someone who is securely attached will nevertheless doggedly pursue you, make you feel your feelings, and then marry you

[clytemnestraaa]

if Hayden hadn’t outed them publicly how do you think they’d go about it after getting married ?

tastefully worded borderline ambiguous post on shane’s instagram featuring photos of them together on various scenic hikes standing at least 3 feet apart in every shot. followed by a tourist’s photo of them in ibiza with ilya with the worst sunburn of his life fully lobster red with both hands down the back of shane’s swim trunks grabbing his bare ass. followed by a tweet published on ilya’s twitter at 3:31am and deleted at 4:47am that reads YES I SUCK COCK YOUR MOTHER WAS GREAT TEACHER

[sashayed]

but ykw at least i'm not on mount everest. at least i'm not paying tens of thousands of dollars to slowly suffocate in a 300-person line at the gates of hell. never in my life will i have to be steered in a hypoxic stupor through the maze of poop and corpses atop mount everest. on this earth a lot of horrible things can happen to you without your permission but there are a few that you have to opt into. you can just say no thanks! and be guaranteed never to have to be on mount everest. much to be grateful for actually

[sashayed]

still not on mount everest this morning 😌 alhamdulillah

[byjove]

believe you me I will be here and posting 20 times an hour when it does happen

[graceebooks]

LEGENDARY GIF OF ALL FUCKING TIME LOOK AT BRENDAN AND JACOB

[graceebooks]

i’ll be using this at least 3-4 times weekly

[draconym]

The eye doctor is the most fun doctor you can go to. They never steal your blood. They never make you get naked and put on a paper dress. They're just like, "Can you see these letters? It's fine if you can't, we can fix that." And they don't even spell anything.

[draconym]

[orcboxer]

Every time I go they put me in a chair and they say look into this machine there's a hot air balloon or a farmhouse in there and I do and I'm like you're right I see it and they're like yeah keep admiring that hot air balloon or farmhouse and I do and I'm like this shit's quaint as fuck and then do you know what happens next they attack me they jumpscare me with air directly into my eyeballs and i fall out the chair and they say sorryyyy but they're NOT they wanted this to happen they KNEW about the jumpscare well now I'm wise to it now I know better when I go in and they say look at this bodacious hot air balloon I'm like NO WAY DUDE that balloon wishes me harm have at thee and I attack them and push them on the ground and spit on them

[myshangel]

Ilya gets really bad migraines after a bad concussion and one day shane comes home and kisses his cheek and says "how's your head baby?" and ilya says "u have never complained 😈" and then he bursts into tears bc his head actually really fucking hurts

[rival2lover]

i'm a liability get you wild make you leave

[byjove]

My cat sleeps in positions that remind me of the grotesque plaster casts of people and animals that died in agony in Pompeii. My cat sleeps like a wilted and dying spider that has just been sprayed with Raid.