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This is me finding myself.

[acpleaveit]

I haven’t felt like this in a really long time. 

The urge to self-harm is stronger than ever and I can’t even bring myself to putting the blade to my skin because I’m scared of the scars it’ll leave behind. Scars to remind me of the pain I’m in. I’ve had this feeling before. It was so long ago. I’ve fucked up so hard, but now it’s just a cold pain. Something that hurts more mentally and physically. I’m just going to die on the inside and leave the outside untouched. My wounds will just continuously be from the inside. 

[acpleaveit]

Honestly...

I don’t like wearing my heart on my sleeve. I always try to bundle up and wrap myself up until someone starts to work on strip away the layers... And what do they find? A confused young woman trying to figure out the life she wants to live but refuses to go any farther than her front door. 

[acpleaveit]

To the people I love the most. Thank you for giving me everything that I’ve needed and so much more. This family has taught me about selflessness, to work harder when I’m pushed down, and about my self-confidence. You’ve had me for almost six seasons now, but it’s time to hang it up and push myself to be in a new and uncomfortable space. I want to grow and show you all that you made me who I am today.

Thank you. 

[acpleaveit]

What is it?

I’m at the point where I know I need to move forward. I’m 23, 2 jobs, in what feels like an everlasting relationship, and in love with an art that I’m struggling/ trying to grow in. I’m constantly trying to find the right words when speaking and I feel illiterate. My goal is to go back to school and finish in the next 4 years. I’ve put school on hold for so long, but I don’t want to sacrifice what makes me happy in order to get the right grades. I want to keep the work load I have now and add school to it. 

I don’t know what to do. 

[acpleaveit]

Everything you do right now ripples outward and affects everyone. Your posture can shine your heart or transmit anxiety. Your breath can radiate love or muddy the room in depression. Your glance can awaken joy. Your words can inspire freedom. Your every act can open hearts and minds.

David Deida

[acpleaveit]

Last night was unreal...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WigEXcBGfCc&t=5s

I just wanted to make sure I had this link some where I knew I could look back and just reminisce about how this day went. 

[acpleaveit]

To be honest, I want to them my parents how bad I'm struggling and how much I wish I could just go home and hide away forever. I want to eat my mom's home cooked meals and sleep where I know I can be safe.

[acpleaveit]

4:47am

I’m kind of at the point where sleep is almost irrelevant to my life style. I can't sleep and I worry too much. I watch the house in silence and I’m amazed at the calm, quiet space I have before me. 

[acpleaveit]

I’m not sure where to even begin...

... but everything that was been slowing coming together is falling apart into working pieces again. The situations I've been in and events that have happened would go from bad to worse to “I think I’m okay” to “it’s not as bad as I thought it was going.” I’m unhappy, but more with were I don’t see myself. I can’t find my rhythm therefore I’m creating a new one. A rhythm that flows better and feels good. I’m trying to figure out where I’m going in this half of the race-where I stand with my passion for dance and my relationship with Justin. They’ve both correlated so well the past few years, but now with him taking his break, I’m scared that I’ll lose a part of myself with the passion he might leave behind. 

I’m scared of where my life is going. I’m scared of my path straying away from his, but I know that long red string that has connected us for so long will find it’s way of the tangle to a smooth path.

 For tonight though, I am praying for better days and peaceful nights. I pray you have them as well. 

[acpleaveit]

Honestly, it sucks to feel like I'm still not good enough to be part of their crowd.

[acpleaveit]

It Gets Harder

No matter what, life is hard. No matter what we do or what we say, life could care less and hits up right when we aren’t looking and then....BOOM. Bigger problems start to appear.. or at least the problems just look huge from our perspective of them. 

A problem that could have looked like a lion could probably look like a kitten compared to what someone else might be actually be dealing with themselves. I’m not sure how big this lion looks to you, but to me it looks like it’s getting bigger. I’m here waiting, waiting for it to start shrinking down. 

Lately, money seems like a popular topic for Justin and I. Like it’s starting to turn its ugly head and take over our lives. It’s all we can think about sometimes... Okay maybe that’s exaggerating it a bit since Common Ground is all we usually talk or think about, but for the most part money has always been on our mind. I had gotten sick the past week and money isn’t at it’s steady flow. It’s getting harder and I’m scared that this will be us every end of the month. It scares me that I haven’t eaten a decent meal or more that I’ve chosen not to eat. 

I’m just tired. I’ll report back more later. 

Good night friends. 

[acpleaveit]

New start, old Tumblr

My goal for this year is to actually use this Tumblr, to update my life as much as possible and maybe later on I can start my own blog. I’ve never been very good at updating my social media, but I’m 23 and it’s about time I start keeping track of my years and document as much as possible. 2016 was year of change and now the it’s my “Jordan” year, I’d like to put myself out there. I’ve sat back and watched others carefully, observing my peers and understanding what I need to get started on. 

It will be tough. First week of the year and I'm planning out half of it, paid half of rent, started baking while baked, and I’ve started to register for spring again. I need this new start and a push. I needed to realize that the time is now and I’m at the point where I need to push my life where I want it to be. I want to be ready for whatever the year has set for me and I want to face through all the challenges head on. I’m ready for this change and I hope everyone behind me is to.. 

[abduction]

[acpleaveit]

I’ve been there before and I’ve done all of that. I’m done with this for a while. 

[acpleaveit]

Just another day

With all that happened today, of course something like this would set me back a little. Being honest, I hate it when I forget to lock my doors of my car and I'm usually really good at making sure they're all locked and what not but in my rush to get inside the studio, I forgot to like one door. And of course none of my belongings were inside the back seats but the only paperwork I needed for tomorrow was inside the glove compartment... I don't want to let this ruin my day. I had a great day with good company. One small thing isn't going to change it but I wish I could have done one small thing to fix this problem.

[acpleaveit]

I miss having a 'go to'

Any takers?

[acpleaveit]

The 'before we actually knew what we were getting ourselves into' picture! I'm having major withdrawals from this fantastic weekend and I can't say thank you enough to these two, the group we had and the wonderful people I had seen again/met at this event. I'm in love with the vibes I experienced at the last few events I went to this year and I can't wait to go again! #somuchlove #takemeback #beyondsocal2016 #becausetherecoveryisntover #blessed