Puzzle Pieces

Helping me bring clarity to my jumbled thoughts and feelings. All these pieces are mine.

[acstutts]

Why

Why do I feel this way,

And I don’t even know why?

Thought today I’d feel great,

There’s not a cloud in the sky.

But I’m stuck to this spot

Where I don’t even want to be.

No motivation to move,

It’s like I can’t break free.

Outside it’s warm and bright,

And I wish I could be too.

But I’m sad and want to cry.

Why can’t I do what I want to do?

The darkness tries to cover me

In this black hole that I hate.

I want to push through it and run;

I don’t want this weight.

I wish I understood it.

I wish everyone else did, too.

It’s hard to fight your enemy

When your enemy is you.

-AS

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Prayer

So many times I’ve felt You,

Like my soul was vibrating inside me,

The fire of Your Spirit within me.

But I can’t feel You now

When I need You the most.

I can’t find You in this dark place.

You know I hate the dark.

I feel so empty standing in this blackness,

Tears ready to fall.

So much hurt and pain

Threatening to fill my void.

I take a moment to talk to You,

To speak over my worry and fears

Because my heart and my soul trust You

Even when my brain cannot.

And when I can’t hear You,

I read Your Words to remind me who You are.

I remember how You’ve given me comfort

When no one else did

And like no one ever could.

Though I can’t feel You,

I know You’re there.

You’ve never left me and You never will.

-AS

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Caught

Crashing waves against my side

The waters so dark and fierce

Constantly pushing and pulling around me

Holding me captive with my tears

-AS

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Expression

My mind is a sea of chaos and can’t find peace.

So I make a beacon,

I create a reflection of who I am-

With words, with music, with color, with light.

I find refuge for these swirling emotions

to burst through the dam in my head

And flow through the actions of my hands.

-AS

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Tranquility

Sitting barefoot on my deck

With a book in my hand,

Listening to birds make their songs,

And to my kids as they laugh and play.

The wind rustles the leaves in the trees

Bringing the smells of fresh laundry.

This moment of stillness

Fills me with a peace

And a happiness

Like no other.

-AS

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Grey

The wind harsh on my face

Dense clouds mask the sun

Favoring my melancholy

My spirit quite undone

-AS

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Unfinished

I don’t understand why

Sometimes we seem to be

On different pages.

But I forever rest in the comfort

Of knowing our book is ours,

And we will never stop reading it,

Even when at a different pace.

Our story is unending,

And we will continue to write it.

-AS

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Marriage

It’s dancing in the kitchen.

It’s sitting together on the couch.

It’s holding hands twelve years later.

It’s road trip trivia and gas station snacks.

It’s deep respect for each other.

It’s chasing me through the house.

It’s saying, “I love you” as much as we can.

It’s long days at work.

It’s washing dishes and matching socks.

It’s a warm, comforting hug.

It’s catching up on our shows.

It’s snuggles with the kids.

It’s caresses at night.

It’s perfectly imperfect.

It’s our life, &

It’s love everyday.

-AS

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Haven

Sometimes the world

Seems too big and too loud,

Too much to handle.

So I crawl back in my shell

Where it’s dark-

To relish the quiet

And still my soul.

I get lost in my mind,

But I know the way out-

Just need to rebuild my energy,

Establish some control.

It’s where I self-heal

And find peace with myself.

I enjoy my shell,

So much that I could stay.

But it’s then that I’d lose myself.

Like a flower opens in the sunshine,

I can only walk when in light.

-AS

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Grief

My heart is so full of you

That every memory weighs me down-

What you’d say, the sound of your laugh,

I can almost still hear the sound.

They hit me like raindrops on my face,

Over & over til I could drown.

I can’t stop them, & I don’t want to.

I only wish I could turn time around.

I just pray that you know what you meant to me

Because YOU were my solid ground.

-AS

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Neglected

Your emotions are blank,

Like this flat river before me.

I look down.

I’m searching for answers,

But all I see is my face

And the hurt you put there.

So I’m crying and yelling

Wanting to evoke a reaction.

But the smooth, blank surface remains.

So I look for a stick or a rock-

Maybe I can cause a ripple.

I throw with everything that I feel,

But nothing has changed.

The rock hits and it bounces

Back to the shore,

Back to me.

This river isn’t flowing.

It’s frozen and hard,

A cold barrier between us.

I try over and over

To break through your wall.

I feel helpless.

There’s nothing to do now

But watch my tears fall

Through the reflection.

-AS

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Timbre

All these clusters of words

Dancing around in my head,

Like the melody of my mind,

Moving and forming

The raw, unpolished songs

Of my heart.

-AS

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Periphery

This circle is unending.

We’re back here again.

Your anger expects forgiveness,

More than I can spend.

There’s no hope for change...

Just what might’ve been.

I can forgive but not forget-

Or this will never end.

-AS

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Support

You love me as I am,

Not for who I’m supposed to be.

You’re my feet when I can’t move,

An anchor when I want to flee.

You sit beside me in the darkness,

And share your sight so I can see.

You hold my hand or give me space

While accepting me for me.

-AS

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Dead Ends

You heap words like hot coals

And don’t expect them to burn.

We just keep going in this wrong direction

And can’t find the right turn.

Maybe you think you mean well,

But your words cut to the core.

I’m tired of these infinite circles;

I can’t take much more.

When I walk into the sunlight

You just have to bring the rain.

I want nothing but the best for you

But there’s nothing left for us to gain.

-AS

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Secure

When I can’t sort my thoughts,

And I’ve fallen into my dark hole,

I’m reminded of Your love for me,

How Your Spirit comforts my soul.

When the world’s knocked me down,

And pain has left its mark,

It’s You that brings me peace

And lifts me out of the dark.

-AS

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Balance

Sometimes it hurts to feel so deeply,

Sometimes I just need to fold.

But my concern with how everyone feels

Keeps me from being bold.

I want to be there for everyone,

And always give my best.

But how do I balance their needs

When my own needs tell me to rest?

I try to tread lightly

And gently make myself known,

But it’s like my words just fall to the ground

Against these walls of hardened stone.

My heart and mind can’t take anymore.

I’m crowded, and there’s nowhere to go.

I’m screaming inside but nobody hears.

The pain behind my smile ready to blow.

-AS