Stupre

Sometimes I write, sometimes I reblog horny shit, I have no clue how you even got here.

[clarknokent]

Fuck her so good that she can't even try to be cute

Dick her down so well you take her make up off And sweat her hair out

[understands]

[balkavanozum-deactivated2022032]

[adam-koala]

*Loneliness intensifies* 

[jvker]

high key needs a hug

[amargedom]

““It wasn’t my day. My week. My month. My year. My life. God damn it.””

—

[amargedom]

“Have enough courage to trust love one more time and always one more time.”

—

[adam-koala]

Attention Whore

Craving attention is the weirdest normal thing. I always despised the idea of being an “attention whore” but the more time goes on feeling lonely, I can’t help but to crave any sort of attention. It is so fucking weird how attached I get to Idea of a (cute) girl being interested in me. The worst part is, not how good it feels when it is there, but how fucking miserable it feels when there is none.

I hate how “shitty” my day becomes when I don’t get texts all day, but thinking about it now, it is literally in our nature to crave attention. We as humans cannot live without coming in contact with other people. We just can’t function that way. If we would live in isolation, our brain melts and anyone would literally go insane. Our whole civilization is built around this concept of community. However, we still make fun of anyone who wants attention, because it is pathetic. But is it?

If you already have a lot of attention but you only want more and more, then yeah, it is pathetic. But what about the people that go through a day, even half a day, feeling like tasteless ghost? What about a person that get’s so much attention on one day and the next day, they don’t get even a hello? Are they also pathetic?

That’s the hard part. I do think that they are “pathetic”, especially when the ghost in question is this dumb ass writing this.

Listening to Valerie and the singer sing “Why don’t you come over. Stop making a foul of me” just fucked me over. Cause although I have been checking the phone over and over every time I blink, I simply didn’t realize what made me feel so shitty. Listening to the song I just realized, that I am a fucking attention whore.

The worst part is, I know a couple of ways I can get attention, which I would do normally. But today, for some fucked up reason, I decided to test something out. I wanted to see if I don’t personally send out messages, if I don’t personally engage in any conversation, would the people I talk to give me the attention I usually give them.

From what I wrote , you’d have to have rocks for a brain to not see where I’m leading with this. When I didn’t interact with anyone today, no one interacted with me. That’s exactly the point. I want attention, I need it to go through my day. But I hate asking for it, directly or indirectly. Why do I have to engage in every interaction? Why can’t people just miss me the way I do miss them. Why can’t someone just randomly think about messaging me.

God damn it Emma just text me already you fucking tree.

[adam-koala]

Thoughts my late night is hitting me with

05/07/2020 02:13 AM

You know how when you are like making cereal and you start pouring the milk without paying attention and then you realize that you put too much milk so all the way from the kitchen to wherever you want to eat you spill milk and then when you are finally there you start eating but the first couple of spoons also spill cereal? It's like when you want to pour a soda drink in a cup and then the soda suddenly overflows and you spill the drink everywhere and just sit there with sticky hands not wanting to even drink anymore?

You get the point. Why the hell am I talking about cereal and soda drinks at 2 AM? Well, I feel like my heart is overflowing with emotions everywhere and my brain is spilling chocolate thoughts everywhere in my head.

Everything just hit me like a truck. I was a lonely mother fucker 2 days ago and now I kind of wish it stayed that way. Nah that’s not true. Fuck.

How do explain how such a tiny thing suffocating my sleeping ability under a screaming bubble of words. Long story short, I matched with this cutie on Tinder and we have been texting for 4 days now. We finally decided that next weekend I’ll go meet her. I know, I know, boooooo, lame…

The thing is, I am just really vulnerable right now. I wasn’t planning on opening up anytime soon. But it just fucking happened, and when the gates opened, the tsunami came.

I’m probably overreacting, I just drank coffee and the caffeine is kicking in but it’s like, I’ve been alone for so long I forgot what it’s like to be cared about.

In fact, looking back, I have been romantically alone forever. It’s like I’m a freaking (good looking) alien living on the moon and I don’t know how to escape back to earth. For as long as I remember, I never actually had anything healthy in terms of emotional connection. First real crush 8th grade? Turned out to be kind of psycho so that ended before even starting, but meh, it’s 8th grade, who the fuck cares.

Edgy phase 9th grade kicks in, the hot girl from the other class hits me up. I fall for her, we talk, she dates me, then confesses that she never like me and ditches me. Welp, now I do kind of care.

10th grade, a girl that was interested in me is actually really nice. Why not talk to her and get to know more? Fast forward, last month in senior year, she “loves” me but doesn’t want to ever talk to me cause our thing can never work out. Okay, now I really care.

Summer break before Uni. The hottest girl I’ve ever talked to from school shows interest in me at a party. Damn this is looking good I might actually get my first kiss. 2 weeks later, I am making out with this girl, but she doesn’t have any feelings for me. She travelled abroad the next day. That was quick.

Okay fuck this country, I am out. University… Didn’t go well at all, neither academically nor girls wise. Didn’t give a single fuck about any girl I came in contact with. Uni goes downhill, everything goes to shit. I isolate myself from all the good friends I made and just feel like I am eternally crucified at my empty king-sized bed.

Corona starts being a thing and spreads badly in my city. No contact with anyone and no way to ever go home. Now I am extremely lonely, looking out of the window and talking to my mom, I’m choking on my spirit and holding my tears back. Everything hurts. Nothings tastes. Fuck.

It’s been literally months since I got a hug. I sincerely miss life. I get an ad from Tinder. Ah fuck it, what do I have to lose. I scrolled right way too many times, and got like a total of 3 matches. Wasn’t expecting more with my shitty profile. Wait… one is just adorable. Naaaah, I wouldn’t have a chance with someone like her.

We start texting and she is reacting really well to my texts, damn this feels nice. We move to Instagram and at this moment I can’t let go of my phone. I just want to be absorbed in my shitty cracked screen and loose my brain among the scrambled flirty lines. I’m cringing at my cheesy pick up tries and I am melting every time she says something nice. Oh, fuck Adam. Stop. It’s too early to give the slightest fuck. You met her on Tinder god damn it.

Okay, I text her basically all day on the side of whatever I am doing, she takes a bit long to reply, but to be fair she was always in the middle of something, I just have too much time on my hands. But she replies really nicely non the less.  I work and stay distracted; I get my life together. I even cleaned my room god damn it.

Friday, 11:27 PM. “I’m at a party rn, if you want to join hahaha” she texts me. A bit straight forward but I really wanted to take her up on that offer. I am already in bed though and I don’t really know how I’d go to the party this late with the bus. After a bit of chit chat, she finally says, “Jesus, my tipsy self is really embarrassing rn, ignore it”.

At this point I’m not in my room anymore. I’m floating somewhere else. It’s like my body is in the bed all cold while my spirit is dancing with the keyboard trying to play my cards as best as I can.

“I kinda want to mee u, sober me wouldn’t say this” Oh wow. I physically feel my iris just getting wider as if I took a shot of cocaine (not that I would know how that would feel but I bet it’s pretty close to this”

“‘kinda’ I’m offended” I reply playing it a bit a safe.

“I want to meet u*” she replies. At this point, she has me. She just won. It’s like there was a competition and I wasn’t ever aware of it. She is just dragging me with her adorable strings and the crowd of the arena is cheering. I hate it. I love it.

We talk for a while; she is still somehow texting me drunk at the party. And every message sent, every message received is pulling me in farther and farther in. A few minutes ago, I was building a brick wall from anyone who wants any kind of attention and now I am banging my head against her brick wall begging her to let me in.

Next morning. From the moment I woke up till now, there hasn’t been one tick on the clock that I didn’t spend thinking about her. Worst part? Her best friend’s party is today so didn’t really text me much. I already feel empty when she doesn’t text me and I fucking hate that.

It is so terrifying, when I unknowingly hold my happiness hostage for her replies.

I don’t want rush things. I am also expecting the worst. Why wouldn’t I? But in all honesty, at least at this moment. I really want her. I want her so badly now. Holy fuck Emma.

[recaption]

[adam-koala]

Fastest hand in the West.

[honigimohr]

[amargedom]

““It’s funny, isn’t it? When you are young you just want to be old, and then later you wish you could go back to being a kid.””

—

[honigimohr]

“She is Art. What the fuck do you expect from her, other than confusion, beauty and goddamn soul?”

— (via sadfrick)

[fav-angell-deactivated20210921]

Don’t act like we are just friends, I know you get jealous on me and want me yours

[catchymemes]

[perfeqt]

“A thought is a hard thing to control.”

— Susanna Kaysen, Girl, Interrupted (via surqrised)

[thepersonalquotes]

[adam-koala]

My smiling moon

There is a picture in my head, a cold picture that keep flashing under my eye lids whenever I try to rest. A dark starry night sky, with yellow stars and a white bright moon. I’m on a street bare foot walking in a straight line. The asphalt is ice cold and I can feel each bump in the way bite my skin. The farther I get the colder it gets. I can see far ahead and notice how cold and dark the rest of the road is, however I never think about stopping. I just keep on marching, holding my head high, and keeping a bright smile.

The moon wakes up and looks down on me with a warm smile. I stop for a second to catch my breath and look it in the eye. A cloud of mist coming of my lungs blocks my vision from moon but I punch it away and look the moon eye to eye.

“How is the road?” the moon asks me.

“Ah its fine” I shrug ignoring the aching pain in my feet. Although everything around me is cold, I still feel like I’m warm enough to walk till the end of the way. Either way, the smile from the moon helps me carry on.

The next day, I walk the same as the day before.

The moon wakes up, smiles at me and asks, “How is the road?”

“Ah it’s fine” I shrug ignoring the growing pain from my feat to my knees.

I carry on like this for days, and days. Days become weeks and the moon wakes up every single time to ask me, how the road is.

Each day goes by and I grow colder, the pain gets worse, but I still shrug smile, and say everything is fine.

It’s been a year. And the flesh on my feet is worn off and bloody. I am barely walking anymore. I am so cold the tears get frozen on my cheek and the smile has worn off my tired face.

The moon wakes up and asks,

“How is the road?” with a shining smile as ever.

I sigh and hide behind the thin layer of mist between me and the moon. I look at the cold street and feel so much pain boiling in my heart. I close my eyes for a moment and shout as loud as I can saying everything I ever wanted to say, saying how cold the road is, how much I miss the sun and how much I miss me. I feel like I lost pieces of myself along the way and I could never get back the genuine smile I started off with.

I open my eyes and realize I have been shouting inside my head. The moon still smiling and waiting for my answer.

I look the moon in the eye and say,

“Ah it’s fine mom”.

I shrug and carry on.