I got problems....Yeah, right.
"You can have anything you want. You can't have everything you want."
-Esther Randall, mom-in-law
Allie frequently heard this little tidbit of truth growing up, and it is just as simultaneously frustrating and inevitable for me now as it was for her then. Then again, who the hell can shake that one?
Alright, I have the impulse to be a bit pre-emptive, this sounds a little symptomatic of whiny b.s. : If you are lucky enough to have the life where having options is your reality, f*ckin' rejoice. That isn't everybody's story. I am the product of a middle class family tucked away in a Philly suburb with one of the best school districts in the state. I had the ability to attend and graduate college with the support of parents that nurtured me in my artistic pursuits (though, I'm sure they've had their reservations). My past and present are rosy compared with those I've been humbled to meet over the last 2 years doing outreach.
The thing is, I crave stability. I can't get away from it, It's ingrained in every fiber of my being. My family rarely, if ever, operated without taking it into consideration. Not that my parents didn't take professional risks, but I did grow up with "you can do whatever you want, just find a way to make money at it.....Oh, one more thing. ALWAYS HAVE INSURANCE." Not knocking them, those sentiments have their merits. Both just feel to be diametrically opposed to a career in the arts.
Yet, I want all of the fulfillment of a career in the arts. I've been blessed to have had tastes of it in my 20s, but I ultimately backed off in some ways. Got a mortgage, married a fine lady, and tried to pursue my career in an environment where I could build a life and career without having to grind it out too much. Having good financial acumen outweighed jumping without the safety net in place.
This is a far cry from the train of thought I had during my college days through my first years in Chicago. I was always a proponent of the "If-I-have-a-safety-net-I'll-inevitably-fall-back-on-it" school of thought when defending my acting career with virtually no backup plan in place. What balls.
Then life in Chicago started to happen......and things just took off. I'm now 31, and seeing how quickly life has been passing me by, I'm hyperaware of the fact that I'm no kid anymore. I work 40 hrs a week, devote what free time I have to Stone Soup, and don't even have the time to audition like I once did. Woe as me, I know. Feels stupid, but what the hell. That's what it is.
I'm still finding that career/life balance. I have a feeling something's gonna give soon. Not sure what, but there are aspects of life that I feel compelled to change. Just don't want to look back and have many regrets. I have the capacity to have anything I want, but I've been going after everything I want. Frankly, that sh** is exhausting.
2087
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