Laura, The Addict

Here's me. A woman in recovery sharing my experience, strength and hope. 

[addictnamedlaura]

P҉R҉A҉Y҉ F҉O҉R҉ P҉A҉T҉I҉E҉N҉C҉E҉!

⚠️WARNING⚠️

Many before me have said, if you really cannot stand the thought of waiting, bring it to God. Pray about it, maybe then you can work on having more patience.

Because I was in a point in my life where I took literally every suggestion given to me… I thought how bad could it really be? So, sure enough that’s what I did. Now I ask myself so many questions relating to it. Could that be the reason I don’t have my own car yet? Could it be because I don’t have this or that?

However when it comes down to it, I don’t have a car or anything else that has come to mind because time is of the essence, essentially. In the past couple of months time, I had a Saint Francis case worker involved in my life some. Which wasn’t anything bad per say. However she put something in perspective for me.

“ I gave my last vehicle away.”

Which she’s right in a sense. Due to my actions and inability to take proper care of myself a handful of years ago, with my actions I gave my truck away. For free..

How does this tie into having patience?

You see, I want nothing more than to have a car. However, it takes a lot of work and effort to get one back after having lost one. It’s okay, as the way I see it is it’s just not the right time for me to fully have my own car. Who knows what my devious brain would come up with doing with it- especially when time isn’t right for me yet.

I’m okay with it because I know that some day- I’ll have my own car. I may not know when that day will be, but I know it’s coming.

Today I can honestly say that as long as I can count on something happening- then there’s no need to rush. Instead I simply enjoy being in the moment at hand.

This past week has been the week leading up to Christmas. Do I want to celebrate? Of freaking course!! I’m all for having good times this time of year. It’s about the memories!! Are gifts crucial? No not always, but they add to the element of surprise. I absolutely love the element of surprise, especially when we are referring to gifts! Do I want to open all of them up right now?? Absolutely-fucking-lutely!! But I don’t, because I’m okay waiting. Weather it be Christmas Day, Christmas Eve or on New Year’s Day, that those gifts get opened, I honestly can tell you I don’t care today. Because I know it will happen. Just not in my first choice of timing.

I’m going to leave you with the question today-

ARE YOU GOING TO PRAY FOR PATIENCE?

I’m warning you. If you do- be prepared to have so many tests of your faith. You can do it though!! As in the end, it will be so worth it, as long as it’s in your best timing. Your future self will thank you.

[addictnamedlaura]

This right here.. sums up the important humans in my life! My nephew, one of my two nieces, mg fiancé, and my dad.

Getting clean means to me realizing what is important to you the most. For me- it was realizing that my family, and extended family need me. More than that next fix. So I just live on nicotine and all the things a normal 23 year old kid should.

Without being where I am today, I wouldn’t have my own rental home- two dogs I absolutely adore, and able to take on kids- not just when I want to but when it’s needed of me! I have access to sometime gaining a full time employment as a healthcare professional.

That next fix can’t give me all of that.

Can it give me the quality time I not only long for but I deserve? No, definitely not.

Can it give me everything? It’ll sure lie and tell me it can. But it won’t.

Can it build me the things I’ll need later? Skills and assets? Nope. Even though it’ll make me think that.

I’ve leaned I can still be a complete idiot without it.

I can be a douche without it.

I can be the nicest Libra you’ll ever meet without it.

It never served me well.

[addictnamedlaura]

Hello!! It feels like it’s been forever, even if all I’m writing to is a brick freaking wall right now. I really don’t care, as at some point- my pages are going to take off more than I can ever imagine. So it’s you, down the road- looking back at all my posts! Hello you!! — sorry, had to try to sound like the show YOU on NETFLIX!! 🤣🤣

Have you ever felt like life is just the demon that has its hands tied to you way too much? … yeah? Me too! That’s exactly what it seems lately.

Not even enough hours in the day.. let alone not enough seconds? Milliseconds? Yup. I’m right there with you sister!

Every breath I breathe: it’s bearing to be my last. I’m not suicidal, but there’s just not enough oxygen in this world to get my blood flowing again.

Will I get back up? Yes, absolutely. I’ve got absolutely no other option. On a normal day though- just not enough anything. Maybe, just maybe this blog will bring me back?

[addictnamedlaura]

BECAUSE I MISS THE FUCK OUT OF THIS BITCH!!

It’s 3 AM on my night off... and I’m laying here unable to go to sleep because I miss her way too much. If I said how much, it may just show my codependency issues. However it’s not my codependency that’s the problem. The problem is simply having your best friend, life partner, partner in crime, pea to your pod just ripped away from you.

“So, just call or text her.” Some would say.

Well here’s the thing. I can’t simply just do that. She cannot communicate with me very well. A second stroke since August and this time wasn’t just one this time around. It was a couple. Leaving her with serious damages to her brain.

Why the hell is it me that gets the short end of the stick? Why is it me that gets to do this? Why doesnt the world shit up someone else’s creek this time? All questions that I’ll never have an answer to.

Just not okay right now.

[addictnamedlaura]

Funny how life changes...

First one is living with their fiancé and her best friend. Their best friend has a melt down and kicks you both to the street, leaving you both homeless. I didn’t know best friends could do such a thing. But hey that just means the friendship is fake, huh? So we proceed to the homeless shelter. Stay there for 10 days, while they help get us into an apartment. We then move into that apartment a few months ago almost now. Then what?

My fiancé, Laurie then fell with a stroke a few weeks ago. She survived it but now we are facing the challenges that come with that.

In a few weeks, my job will be shutting down completely. I’m dealing with challenges that come with that. I’ll still have a job, but in the next city over, a half hour away. I have no car. Laurie has no car. We definitely have no money to get a said car. But I have to do what I gotta do as I’m in consideration to be a manager.

My depression is getting in the way of things. It’s hard being the dependable one. I’m frustrated with life. Corrections doesn’t want me to spend my birthday going home. I’m turning 22 in a few weeks and all I want to do is bring my fiancé home for a few days and hang with family and friends back home. Half way across the state...

Peace out y’all. I have to go deal with life once again. Don’t worry I won’t forget about you.

[addictnamedlaura]

And... yes this is exactly why I don’t pick up even a beer anymore

[addictnamedlaura]

I just want to be better...There comes to a time when I experience the feeling of not up to par so to say... Meaning that I fall behind on what I feel like is everything but in the long run it's not. My room is a death hole, but at the same time, lately I have started reconnecting with old friends. Good friends, that is. Which is great, I think. But where's my balance at? Think I have lost it. So really not sure where to go from here besides up. But how. This addict will figure it out. And if not, one will die trying!!

[addictnamedlaura]

Let the games begin!

Not so sure as to how all this will go. Will probably just go and a trial and error basis. The purpose of this page will be for me to share my story bits at a time about my journey pre and post addiction. And how it has all shaped me into who I am today. As recovery is my lifestyle and I am extremely grateful to be in recovery!