You know those high school house parties you see in movies, where the person invites only a few friends, but those friends call their friends, and those friends call THEIR friends and soon like 500 people show up to one house and someone calls the cops and that one John Mulaney sketch with âSCATTER!â happens?
Old people will 100% do this too, except instead of a house party itâs an estate sale on a wednesday afternoon and when the cop shows up there are lawyers present and he is in DEEP SHIT because his wife just spent the afternoon admitting to doing a bunch of wildly illegal shit on tape.
So when we left off, the party had really started getting underway, because Marcia the Cunt Magnifique had decided to crash the estate sale and whine about âweâre supposed to coordinate garage sales as a neighborhoodâ and âyour friends are blocking traffic on this cul-de-sac while nobody is homeâ weh weh-
DeeDee is about ready to throw hands but she is nowhere near the most dangerous of the Silver Silver Wolves.
Dr. Ruth turned 99 this year and went paragliding for her birthday
So you understand just how hard she goes
Dr. Ruth sort of hobbles over and point-blank asks âSo I understand youâve been trying to start a homeownerâs association?â :3c
Entirely misunderstanding how much danger sheâs in
Starts enumerating the TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS of trying to start one, because SOME PEOPLE DONâT RESPECT AUTHORITY and all the paperwork and talking to people and she even had to ask HER HUSBAND. A SHERRIF. To go around and hand people stuff to sign.
Dr. Ruth nods. Some people. She agrees.
Why doesnât she give him a call?
Marcia, a Moron: Oh thatâd be great!
Dr. Ruth, hobbling back to Doris: âDonât worry. David will handle this.â
The Friends-Of-Friends and the Friends-Of-Friends-Of-Friends are arriving, lured in because they heard the words âLongarm Sewing Machineâ and âHand-made quiltsâ
Various factions present include but are far from limited to:
-Probably Six Quilt Guilds
-The Denver Art League
-The Denver Leather League
-The Vikings
-The Klingons
-The Colorado Wild Game Share
-A Pack of Scientific Illustrators
-A Pack of Assorted Scientists they brought with them
-The Sheep Lesbians
-The Horse Lesbians
-Three Extremely Competent Finnish People (My Scientific Illustration Professor and her sisters) who immediately take over the estate sale and turn it into an auction to maximize profit and keep the taxes in order.
Someone brings two additional Corgi called âCapâ and âBuckyâ
They are Pembroke Corgi, and weigh about 21lbs apiece
Herschel is a Cardigan Welsh Corgi and weighs 42lbs because heâs hug even for a Cardigan, and is Delighted with his New Minions.
They worship him as a God and follow him around so every time he sticks his face in something two smaller corgi faces immediately follow, like some kind of adorable cerberus.
Pelts and meat shares are being traded out of the backs of trucks and vans
Someone is making bratwurst.
Intrigued by the Brouhaha, Dorisâ neighbors emerge.
They are also Geriatric and very nervous, because Marcia has been harassing them too.
They are telling this to the members of these factions that are also lawyers.
There are at least 5 of them so far and David isnât even here yet.
I realize my realtor isnât even here.
She is somewhere in the crowd and having a nervous breakdown because Sheâs SO LATE!!!
I was just handed a freshly grilled Brat
Some bitch is incriminating herself on the lawn.
Nothing scheduled is happening.
Come sit in the yard and watch the Corgis play on the Palyskool plastic slide set. Theyâre disassembling it like tiny furry engineers.
One of the Klingons appears, having physically carried my realtor through the crowd, and gently deposits her on the lawn before handing her a Bratwurst.
Diane, the Realtor, is not much older than I am, and from the preppie swaths of society that has âNever had a dog growing upâ and âDidnât Know People Could Just. Make. Blankets?â and âWhat is this? Itâs like a hot dog but spicy?â
She is having a LEARNING EXPERIENCE.
One of the Horse Lesbians comes over and compliments Diane on her Dior handbag.
Diane thanks her ans compliments the apparently expensive brand scarf she has on. Do you. Know all these people?
Horse Lesbian explains that sheâs part of the SCA,
and what that is,
and that why yes.
Her girlfriend Tasha is an armorer.
Yes like for knights.
More Livestock Lesbians assemble.
They are pulling off shirts to show off livestock and battle scars, and biceps.
Diane is LEARNING A LOT TODAY.
I am just getting everyoneâs contact info and making sure Herschel does not consume his weight in bratwurst.
Marciaâs Husband is here.
He has used the siren to largely part the crowd and pull into his driveway but it has closed around him and there is No Escape.
He starts huffing and puffing about blocked traffic and permits and the like, but this is not his usual Can-Bully-Without-Consequences crowd.
Veterans of the 60âs protest front who never let up.
Heâs starting to turn bright red and looks like heâs about to cry and Iâve got my phone out to record whatever Incident is about to occur.
-And a Mercedes pulls up.
And I emphasize that The because David is not some mere ambulance chaser.
David is the guy that the state sends to prosecute Corporate Fraud and Organized Crime and Other State Departments.
David was part of the team that took down the CO Branch of the KKK.
David is all of 5'4â, very round and a balding little man that looks like the Dictonary Definition of âNebbishâ that moves with such intense confidence and authority that he pretty much has the Pillar Men Theme Blasting behind him at all times.
So when he and three other lawyers from the stateâs office step out of the car
Mr. Sherrif goes from red to while like color-changing octopus and I am like 50% sure he shit himself.
Because what he and Marcia have been doing is Very,
Very,
Very,
VERY,
Fucking Illegal.
âmArCiA!â he garbles. âsHuT tHe fUcK uP!â
Marcia is standing in the middle of the cul-de-sac, having spent the last 3 hours recounting to anyone who will listen about the âmeasures sheâs had to takeâ and now the 5 lawyers that were here are delightedly handing over the paperwork that she had forced on Doris and her Neighbors, and pointing at all the doorbell cameras and witnesses out to the stateâs top prosecutor.
FOUR HOURS LATER:
-Auction wrapped up with a solid $40K to Dorisâ name plus pending sales on some of her larger furniture and antiques
Plus whatever David gets in damages from the county sherrifâs office.
Marcia and husband are fucking busted
Herschel spent all afternoon running around and eating snacks and is passed out on the floor
Diane is âmeeting up withâ one of the Horse Lesbians next week.
The sewing machine went to someone else but I did open my purse and found out Doris or someone shoved a bunch of cash in there.
Iâm getting ice dream and going to bed.
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