~~ I feel like a New Year's present. His New Year's present...for Marie Louise! What I experienced yesterday is absolutely ridiculous! I was officially presented at court in the Empress's private chambers, together with Anetka Potocka (who hates me!). His young empress is heavily pregnant; her babytummy is round and looks very cute. When their chamberlain, Monsieur de Beauharnais, called my name, I approached the imperial couple and curtsied. I didn't look at him, Napoléon, my lover! (to be precise, my occasional lover. He only visits me to see the boy. Afterwards, he pushes me into the bedroom for ten minutes on the sheets, then he strokes my cheek, I pretend to be grateful, and that's it!) No, I didn't look at him during my court presentation. It was too embarrassing! His face was just a white speck in the corner of my eye. I saw only the young Empress, his beloved Louise. She looked at me, unsuspecting. Her large blue eyes saw right through me; to her, I was nothing more than a foreign countess. I felt uneasy, somehow guilty. This young woman knew nothing about it. That her beloved husband was cheating on her, even if only sporadically. With me!.... and other women. Marie Louise knew nothing. Before me sat a diamond-laden girl in pink satin, rosy-cheeked, overheated, an indifferent, real princess. Lied and betrayed...by me!...and her all-powerful husband. Why did he do that to me! Such perfidy, such a deceitful performance!
I was glad when it was over. I will never wear that heavy court dress and long court coat again. (He paid for everything, even the jewelry!) I don't belong at his court! I'm not welcome there anyway. What I've done! Oh God, the whole world knows! Does he intend to introduce me as his official mistress someday? His Pompadour! Never! I'd rather shoot myself! I saw his ladies-in-waiting... I don't think I've ever seen so many elegant, graceful, beautiful women... Goddesses, fairies, angels...And all these beauties adore him!
