JVL
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almost home
wallacepolsom
YOU ARE THE REASON
I'd rather be in outer space 🛸
hello vonnie
#extradirty
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ojovivo
Aqua Utopia｜海の底で記憶を紡ぐ
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One Nice Bug Per Day
"I'm Dorothy Gale from Kansas"
Game of Thrones Daily
$LAYYYTER
if i look back, i am lost
Claire Keane
he wasn't even looking at me and he found me
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@adhdinmyveins
Unpopular opinion, but do not, I repeat, DO NOT make to-do lists as an ADHDer.
Making the list will give you a dopamine hit, and before you know it, you've already used up all your spoons making that list and now you have no energy left to do more than 2 things from said list before dissociating for the day.
One of the frustrating things about ADHD is genuinely, with all your heart, believing that if you explain yourself the other person would understand.
Instead they end up thinking you're making excuses and you end up feeling judged and feeling like shit anyway. 🫠
The thing that often goes unnoticed in an ADHD experience is the constant guilt and self-deprecation we feel.
We are constantly misunderstood, we don't always seem to be struggling so when we are struggling, like say you forgot to do something, or your executive dysfunction kicked in and you're struggling to finish a task, it seems like irresponsible and flaky to others. Especially cuz they've probably seen you not struggle with that task before.
Your rsd kicks in, you internalise that narrative overtime and you actually start believing it.
So now when you're struggling, it's not just the difficulty of actually doing the task, it's also the guilt of not being able to do it. It's also the self-deprecation, negative talk where you're constantly hating yourself for struggling.
As an unmedicated woman with ADHD I feel like the odds are fuckin stacked against me. Like what do you MEAN I am both susceptible to emotional dysregulation AND hormonal shifts??!?
Like sir, I have already very little control over my reactions!?!?, wtf am I supposed to do with the mood swings now?
It's like this was shoved down my throat and I just need to rawdog all this.
Know what pisses me off? Patronizing questions.
Like if you have a point to make, Make 👏🏽 the 👏🏽 GODDAMN 👏🏽 point 👏🏽
DO NOT ASK ME, "Do YoU kNoW *WHY* we were supposed to do abc?" Or "can you guess what xyz was about?" Like fuck you. You gonna treat me like a child, then be prepared for any "child-like" tantrums I might throw.
Not only does my emotionally dysregulated ass not like it and my annoyance jumps from zero to a hundred, I would also much rather jump off a cliff than give you the satisfaction of answering your stupid question just so you can make your point. (:
Trying to stay employed as an ADHDer (who is not medicated) is exhausting. Because you burn out quickly, even if it's a job you love, your rsd would fixate on the smallest things that add up over time, the system is not built for your brain so even if you have those moments when you are this super productive, in-the-zone beast at some point in your career, you're still susceptible to "THE CRASH" (y'all know exactly what I am talking about) Which makes you look "flaky"
And the problem is, we are stuck in a world where "productive" is perceived a certain way, so even if you work best when you're seemingly "unproductive" no one seems to give a fuck. You talk about how you have a condition that makes things hard, you're either considered "lazy" or you "just need to focus more" or "you're just making excuses"
When the flaw is at a system level, and at a level where you're automatically perceive as a lazy, unmotivated fuck, nothing you do seems to be good enough.
Notes on different experiences from a neurodivergent brain.
I just wanted to put this out somewhere cuz why the fuck not 🤷🏽♀️
Since childhood, the colour blue tasted like something extremely metallic and red tasted like wet soil.
I always thought my imagination was wild, so it explains why I saw a particular abandoned park in my head I visited whenever someone said the word "love"
And when I imagine the word "mother" I always visualise the time I saw butterflies fluttering about on the beach.
The colour orange, surprisingly tastes like chalk, and green tastes like the fruit orange.
I associate wasps with the time I was in music class singing during sunset. And the short form of trademark - ™ reminds me of chocolates.
The colour pink tastes like cotton candy, but purple tastes like cough syrup.
If skittles changed the way their colours tasted, I'd lose my shit. And the word skittles reminds me of the time my boyfriend and I roamed around late in the night and ate egg fried rice at some roadside shop.
P.s. I don't think I have synesthesia and these are just associations I've formed with each thing I've mentioned because somewhere the lines got crossed in my brain.
every time I spoke out about things evoking more than one sense in me, people gaslit me saying, I'm making it up to sound cool. So here goes.
Bro, that's like, so cool
Love your imagination of love and why does red taste like wet soil (thats so weirdly specific)
Red tastes like wet soil because the first time I saw smelled wet soil, I had this overwhelming urge to taste it (weird, I know) and the moment I did, I saw the colour red in my head. Now, when I think of red (as a colour and not a red-coloured thing like a post box, fire hydrant etc.) I automatically think back to this the time I tasted wet soil and associate it with that experience.
Again this isn't synthesia, just the weird associations my brain made a long long time ago and turns out, I still feel them/think back to them.
Are you the "was really good at one subject in school and now I'm a scientist/doctor/academic" neurodivergent or the "was mid in academics and doodled my entire way through school and now I'm an artist" neurodivergent?
Y'all, I was the latter, but I forgot we tend to obsess over things and I am now the neurodivergent artist that's in Academia 🫠
if something feels like a 1st degree burn to you, it feels like a 3rd degree burn to me. We are not the same.
People don't realise the emotional dysregulation part of ADHD.
It's not just your intense, over the top reaction towards something that impacted you. It's something we deeply feel and do not have control over sometimes. Ask anyone you know with ADHD, I'm willing to bet there was at least one point in their lives where they just wished people understood/felt how DEEPLY something affected us and didn't disregard it as an over reaction. I mean yes, it IS an over reaction that's the emotional dysregulation part. But it is also a REAL AND DEEPLY FELT emotion at that.
Finally does something noteworthy that others have recognised.
Someone complimenting me: omg!! This is so cool. You did such a good job!
Me (on the outside): Thank you!!
My imposter syndrome (inside): You didn't really know what you were doing. You took help, you knew some parts and you were winging it in other parts. You should have been an expert in this subject from the day you were born to deserve this praise!
Have you noticed how so many people would much sooner believe that there is an invisible man in the sky that is all powerful than believe that someone has an invisible disability?
When neuroptypicals say *ArEn'T wE aLl A LiTtle AdHd?* - NO FUCK YOU!
Imagine living in a world that is simply not built for you and you're constantly trying to make peace with the fact that you're constantly struggling only for a neuroptypical to come along as say some shit like, "don't we all have a little ADHD?" The answer? NO, FUCK OFF!
Because WHY IS ADHD SO MANY OTHER THINGS!?
I was late diagnosed and do you know HOW MANY different diagnoses I went through before finally figuring out it's AD FUCKIN HD?
Depression? Check
Anxiety? Check
Insomnia? Check.
But HERE'S THE THING! NONE OF THESE DIAGNOSES STUCK. BUT THEY ALLLL MADE SENSE. If you're a woman, it's MUCH MUCH worse. You constantly hear shit like "Hey! Maybe you're just on your period!" Or "Hey maybe you're just hormonal" or the worst one of all, "you're just being dramatic" and every other fucking thing in the book EXCEPT acknowledging/accepting that I may be struggling. So No, I will not accept the "Aren't we all a bit ADHD" nonsense , especially when you're only saying it to disregard my experience. :)
When neuroptypicals say *ArEn'T wE aLl A LiTtle AdHd?* - NO FUCK YOU!
Imagine living in a world that is simply not built for you and you're constantly trying to make peace with the fact that you're constantly struggling only for a neuroptypical to come along as say some shit like, "don't we all have a little ADHD?" The answer? NO, FUCK OFF!
Because WHY IS ADHD SO MANY OTHER THINGS!?
I was late diagnosed and do you know HOW MANY different diagnoses I went through before finally figuring out it's AD FUCKIN HD?
Depression? Check
Anxiety? Check
Insomnia? Check.
But HERE'S THE THING! NONE OF THESE DIAGNOSES STUCK. BUT THEY ALLLL MADE SENSE. If you're a woman, it's MUCH MUCH worse. You constantly hear shit like "Hey! Maybe you're just on your period!" Or "Hey maybe you're just hormonal" or the worst one of all, "you're just being dramatic" and every other fucking thing in the book EXCEPT acknowledging/accepting that I may be struggling. So No, I will not accept the "Aren't we all a bit ADHD" nonsense , especially when you're only saying it to disregard my experience. :)
An ADHDer before an important deadline is either a supercharged, super functional multitasking beast or an emotionally dysregulated ball of stress and anxiety that gets more and more unhinged as the deadline gets closer
There's no in-between
Rejection sensitive dysphoria is such a mood.
There I'd be perfectly happy and unbothered about my day and someone just has to speak to me in the wrong tone and bam! That happy, unbothered bubble is shattered.
Now I'm gonna spend the entire day either overwhelmed and dissociated or I'm gonna obsess 👏🏽 over 👏🏽 that 👏🏽 tone 👏🏽
And neither is better than the other. (:
I'm an ADHDer with sensory issues and I get overstimulated quite easily. So if you get punched in the face for tickling me, it's on you.
Living with ADHD is wild! You never know what train of thought you might end up on. One minute I'll be going about my day thinking about how mangoes milkshakes are in season at my local store and I should get one before they run out, next thing I know, I've boarded a train of thought that led me to my biggest regret in life.
