Every thought is a thought of you. @adiawaves - Tumblr Blog

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talesfromthecrypts

Phina Oruche as Cym in The Forsaken (2001)

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“I want a clap on lamp that works as a polygraph; when you swear you still love me, the lights flicker”

- Megan Falley

What does it mean to draw near to God when He is the beginning and the end? I cannot go back to the beginning, no matter how hard I try, softening my own brain and imagining myself as a tiny pile of mush in the grass, cells and soft structure that doesn’t yet resemble bones. And so, I contemplate the end often. I ruminate on what it could be like, what it might be like, when my body starts to decay and return to dust. Maybe everything that I am trying to untangle will one day fall away on its own. I imagine heat and light on my face like an eternal summer, a light breeze picking up my particles and carrying them miles apart.

My thoughts melt away as I fall into it like a memory. I spill milk all over the floor, but I do not cry.

Or maybe going back to the beginning is the thing within me, within all of us. Whatever motherlands have kissed our DNA or sewn up our heart inside of us with nimble, divine hands. I wonder if this desire to go against tradition was inherent in any of my mother’s mothers’ mothers, and how it fought with her desire to protect herself and stay safe.

How many of them swallowed this same question? How many of them felt it rise up and chose silence instead? I do not judge them for that. Survival has always had its own logic.

However, there is absolutely something unfinished moving within me. Something that did not get to speak then, asking to be spoken now.

"all you need is yourself" | marginalia by adia