So I am currently watching First Love Netflix 2022
And from that, it made me think.
I’m looking at the show’s portrayal of first love.
I get what people mean when they say first love is one you’ll never forget because it’s your first.
You’re young. You’re silly. You know nothing. Your emotions are everywhere. And it’s your first. So you have no experience.
But yet, when I look back, there’s a slight anger because I hold none of these memories near and dear to me.
If anything, I have thrown it all out.
So I’m searching my memory banks to find nothing. Or just very small moments that I can barely remember.
To know that I wasted a romance with you.
To know I wasted all those years with you.
And yet, I didn’t feel fluttering butterflies in my heart.
But then again, I wonder if this just means I’m good at erasing our memories. Or if it truly shows that you meant nothing to me.
And that’s just so sad. I wasted my youth with you.
But as I think of my youth. The Japanese folks always mention youth. The spring of your youth.
When I think back of my youth, despite disliking high school so much, I always go back to that time.
To that dear friend that I lost.
Because with her, everything felt bright.
Everything felt possible.
I was always afraid of myself and she was the first friend that smiled and said, why not? Fuck it.
And with that, I took the first step.
And everything that I am today, is thanks to her.
Everything that I have become today, have something left behind by her.
She’s the friend that told me to dream. To be ridiculous.
She’s the friend that told me to write. To write so hard that it hurts.
She’s the friend that told me to ignore the world that alienates us so.
She’s the friend that I created a new world with. A place where we are safe with our favourite shows and writings.
We wrote and dreamt. And it was a favourite time of mine. It’ll always be a treasure. Even if she’s no longer in my life now.
I do wish we remained friends.
But we didn’t. And what a lost it was.
But it is what it is. Because I’m sure we have grown into our own people. And we probably can’t recognise each other. But let it be known that, whatever I am today, comes from a piece of you. Even if in reality, you disappointed me a tad bit. But I was young then and so were you. As you disappointed me, I’d probably disappointed you too.
It’s just funny how my friend matter to me more than my ex will ever be.
I just look at my ex. And I just feel like, he left nothing behind in me. He didn’t touch me. He didn’t change me. He didn’t do anything that had any effect. And I just went back to being me. The me before him and I like that me more than the me that I was with him.
If anything, it’s only frustrating. To think that if he met me now, he wouldn’t be able to recognise me. And it’s not like I changed alot. It’s just that, he didn’t know me at all. He wasn’t there for me as I grew. He watched me struggle but he probably didn’t understand it. But I couldn’t even put it in words then so I guess it’s not his fault if he doesn’t get it. But it is his fault for never asking what mattered to me.
It’s just that, he knew me, when I was younger. And I thought I wanted something and worked for that.
And now, I realised more and I no longer want those. So I want something else. So if he met me now, he wouldn’t be able to recognise me. He won’t know me. The me that I have grown into steadily. Because he met me when I was young and thought that was all I was. When in reality, it was not. I been steadily moving, changing. But I just hide it in his presence because if we knew, we could not sustain ourselves.
And it’s just sad to think, we stayed together so long. And yet, he knew not one damn thing about me. Because everything has changed. And I’m no longer the person he first met.
Sorry. This got long. I just have alot of thoughts and I wanted to express it.
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