Adopting a New Perspective

I want to share my experiences with other Christian adoptive moms. I write, not because I consider myself to have arrived with any level of expertise, but because these are things I am learning or working out as I go. We adopted two amazing girls from foster care just as they were entering their teen years. Writing is my outlet that helps me to adopt a new perspective and a new lifestyle in the midst of the beautiful and chaotic experience of what has felt like jumping in the deep end without swimming lessons.

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Taking Things Slow

Two springs ago I became a runner. Most of the time walking was my exercise of choice but I always wanted to be a runner so I could get a really good workout in less time, break a sweat and get that runner’s high.

I have tried countless times since high school to become that runner that I’ve always wanted to be. Hey, high school was a while back. My M.O. was to hop outside or on over to the gym to run 20 to 30 minutes or however long I could keep myself going. This never got me to my goal of becoming a runner. I always got sick of running and gave up about 2-3 weeks in. Still.Not.A.Runner.

This time, though, two springs ago, I wasn’t in charge of the methodology and my husband suggested we take it slow. Really slow. We essentially chose a couch-potato-to-5K plan that started us on a run-walk interval, one minute for our run interval and gradually increasing our run interval over the course of 4 months until we were running 30 minutes straight through.

It’s been well over a year now and we are both still running 3-4 times almost every week -- and enjoying it! It’s been a lesson for me that extends to more than just trying to become a runner. Well, I probably qualify more as a jogger, but still. 

Small baby steps and gradual progress is the way to go. Back when we started, two springs ago, I would have been able to run 30 minutes right away, no baby steps required. I just wouldn’t have wanted to keep it up. It was miserable sucking air and pounding the pavement for 30-whole-minutes without prior training. Miserable I tell you. I would have just thrown in the towel like every other time. I’m not that disciplined.

The same goes for the things I’d like to work on in my family life, things that God is gently and lovingly leading me toward. I want to be more generous, more welcoming, more positive, for example. I know from experience that I can pound those things out in a fit of guilt or a genuine desire to improve in my relationships, but if I can slow it down and take some small, really small, baby steps I get to experience real progress over the long haul. Sometimes less really is more.

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Rejection

23 And when he got into the boat, his disciples followed him. 24 And behold, there arose a great storm on the sea, so that the boat was being swamped by the waves; but he was asleep. 25 And they went and woke him, saying, “Save us, Lord; we are perishing.” 26 And he said to them, “Why are you afraid, O you of little faith?” Then he rose and rebuked the winds and the sea, and there was a great calm. 27 And the men marveled, saying, “What sort of man is this, that even winds and sea obey him?” Matthew 8:23-27 (ESV)

Kids who have gone through the trauma of being in foster care, bouncing from placement to placement, are sure to exhibit behaviors that reveal fear of rejection. In my own experience, these behaviors trigger my own fear of rejection which, if acted on, triggers my kids' fears, ad nausea. In my experience, feelings anger and resentment are telltale signs that this type of fear is lingering under the surface. I am learning to steal away a few minutes to write about my feelings when they come up and that usually helps me to gain some helpful insight. It is human to experience this kind of fear, though some of us have had experiences that have intensified it. I don’t know if it’s possible to completely eradicate fear of rejection but maybe simple awareness is enough to remind me that Jesus is with me and He is able to calm the storm.

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If you’re a foster or adoptive parent or a professional who works with kids from hard places, this is a wonderful resource using the Trust Based Relational Intervention model, developed by Karyn Purvis and her colleagues. For me, just the overarching concepts of child development and the data-backed message that every child is wired for connection has bolstered hopefulness on parenting children from hard places. Not only that, but ETC’s knowledgeable and talented staff are able to distill it’s concepts into down-to-earth and readily applied tools for parents and professionals. 

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Confessions of an Adoptive Parent: An inspiring, encouraging and honest look at adoption and foster care. This is a good book for current foster or adoptive parents, as well as for those who are considering foster care or adoption from Christian perspective.

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Great book. Readily applicable to everyday life.

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To Be Spiritually Minded

Romans 8:6b says, “For to be carnally minded is death, but to be spiritually minded is life and peace.” Here’s what carnally minded parenting looks like for me: Expecting, rushing, complaining, criticizing, analyzing, fretting, fearing, resenting, escaping, perfecting, judging, guilting, and, wait for it . . . controlling (or trying to anyway). Even though we’ve been trained and educated to know better, it’s in our nature to want to rush things along in our own way. “Death,” it’s the outcome of setting my mind on what I think I can control, how we’re doing as a family, and what I want to see happen. I die a million deaths. 

Graciously, here’s what spiritually minded parenting looks like: Praying, loving, praising, trusting, accepting, depending, resting, seeing, hearing, playing, creating, thanking, welcoming, and, wait for it . . . slowing down.

“Life and peace,” it’s the fruit of setting our minds on the things of the Spirit of God (see Romans 8:5):       1) What He can do (ALL THINGS)      2) What He wants to do

Though I do have responsibilities in parenting those sweet girls of ours, most of my work is really about recognizing my own weaknesses as I acknowledge His strength.

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I love this.

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Bring the child home, love him and feed him and pray for him, and do all with the faith that God loves [him] and He never gets the address wrong.

The Secret Thoughts of an Unlikely Convert, Rosaria Champagne Butterfield

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Complaints

Philippians 2:14 says, “Do everything without grumbling or complaining.” James 5:9 says, “Do not grumble against one another, brothers, so that you may not be judged; behold the Judge is standing at the door.” 1 Samuel 12:15 says, “However, if you do not obey the voice of the LORD, but rebel against the commandment of the LORD, then the hand of the LORD will be against you, as it was against your fathers.” 

I need to be reminded often of the dangers and pitfalls of grumbling, complaining, judging, blaming, and overall negativity. The hand of God becomes heavy against me to lead me back home. For me, I recognize these tendencies rearing up within me when I am uneasy and feeling insecure; and the more I do these things -- grumble, complain, judge -- the more uneasy and insecure I become. 

I’m worried about finances. I’m comparing my family, my marriage, my job with someone else’s. I go somewhere and I feel like I don’t fit in. Something in my world is shaking me up and I have taken my eyes off Jesus. As an adoptive mother it is vital for my family and for my own mental health that I don’t stay in this place! God is with us. It’s ok, and even good, if my family does things differently. And, it’s ok if I don’t fit in as long as I belong to Jesus and to the people He’s blessed me with in this journey. 

Lord, grant that my uneasiness drives me back to You. Let me not get bogged down in grumbling, complaining, blaming, judging, or rebelling. I need Your reminder that You are with me and that You have truly blessed me. Let me walk in the joy, blessing, energy and security that You have granted through Jesus.

“Fear not, for I am with you;  Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, yes I will help you,  I will uphold you with My  righteous right hand.”  Isa. 41:10