The only constant in life is change.
We broke up. He was such a big part of my life, and it still hurts. It’s been a week since we ended, and my heart aches every time I accidentally uncover something in my room that even remotely reminds me of him. But the reason why I’m writing today is not to lament my heartaches on you. The reason I’m writing now is to explain what happened.
For so many of you, it may have come as a shock. In truth, I think it came as a shock to the both of us as well. We didn’t have a bad relationship. If anything at all, he was the best one I had in my whole life. I actually believed that he was the love of my life.
At this juncture, I’m sure many of you who knew my story would be saying, “Oh, but if you really loved him, you wouldn’t have hurt him the way you did with the things that you did. You would have fought even harder for him.” I guess you might me right. If I really loved him, I wouldn’t have done all the things I did. But what you guys don’t know is how much we fought for our relationship. What you guys don’t know is how much we sacrificed to keep our relationship going. Weren’t those sacrifices worth it? Yes, they were. They were worth everything that happened for us. But I guess there was always a part in each of us that felt like we were holding the other person back.
I cannot speak for him, but when we first began, the age didn’t seem like much.
It’s just three years, we’re in the same life phase.
Yea, it worked when we were both in poly. Two years passed, and it was time for me to start applying to university. That’s when everything changed. I started thinking about how we were going to work when I was in Australia.
Long distance can happen. We’re strong enough to make it through. It’s only going to be two years. We’ll get though it. We’ll figure it out.
Then he started thinking about signing on to the Police Force, and, don’t get me wrong, I loved that he finally had a plan about what he was going to do after his two obligatory years in NS. But I didn’t want him to give up university. He wanted to sign on because he wanted to start earning money to be able to keep up with me when I graduated so we could start a family together. I didn’t want him to give up university for me, but he was willing to.
Little by little, every move and decision we made was geared towards a shared future together. I loved that, but it scared me shitless. It scared me to know that I could actually see a concrete future with this guy. Finally, I opened my eyes and realized how self-destructive I was and I knew I didn’t want to put him through that anymore. Every time our relationship got more serious, I freaked out, and I did whatever I could to sabotage the relationship without even realizing it.
Suddenly I realized I just wasn’t in the right time in my life to commit to anything yet. I might have been ready emotionally, but mentally and financially, I wasn’t.
Yea right, you just want to fuck around.
That’s actually not true at all. Coming to Australia made me see how self-dependent I could actually be, and truth be told, I enjoyed feeling like that. I enjoyed being on my own. I enjoyed not having to answer to anyone.
So, we talked about it, and we agreed that maybe being single for the years that I’m in UQ would be best for us. We agreed that if we still felt the same way about us and the shared future that we wanted after I was done with university, then and only then, maybe we could even think about starting again. But for now, it’s just going to be me, myself, and I.
He will always be the love of my life. He will always have a special place in my heart. I wish nothing but the best for him, because I will never stop loving him.
