im probably insane

rachel, xv, ca

[adoxoqraphy]

Please send me messages and motivate me to write ;( 

[adoxoqraphy]

I think the hardest part of writing is thinking that the things you write aren’t important. Nobody will read it, or like it, so why bother sharing it? Even if it brings you solace, is it still worth posting? I’m not sure if that’s the reason I haven’t written in a year or not. I think I’m just scared of what I’ll uncover when I dig into all the thoughts I’ve been suppressing all these months. I’ve felt numb, when all of these horrible things happened I didn’t feel a thing. I’m scared when I write I’ll feel it. I’ll feel everything and I think it might kill me

[adoxoqraphy]

the steady beat of my heart suddenly went cold, he looked like art, and i was too nervous to be bold a blur of lips and people that never mattered, bumping hips and hearts that are shattered smoke swirling into a nebula with a long pipe that elicits dreams with the flick of a match its a world full of kings and queens And this world is never as it really seems

Adoxoqraphy.tumblr.com

[adoxoqraphy]

im sorry ive been gone ;(

i go through periods where i cant write but hopefully im back

[adoxoqraphy]

you were never even mine and im wondering past sweaty bodies  and boys whos hands grab me as i walk by and im tapping the shoulders of guys ive never even met, pulling them in closer until i cant taste the bitterness of your name on my tongue and im drowning in the florescent lights of every party ive been going too  and ive been so high i vomited up every 'i love you' you ever said to me you were never even mine to love but i loved you anyways

fuck

[adoxoqraphy]

most nights i lay in bed shivering in my own skin wallowing in self-pity has become a sport watching tears mixed with blood gliding down the shower floor has become my favorite movie and chewing on my nails until their bleeding and raw is a filthy habit when people talk about their depression they talk about numbness and emptiness but i feel like a fucking flame it starts out slow, gently flickering and as each day passes by, the flame swallows more, and more of me and it grows bigger and i've become the flame and im on fire and everything inside of me is burning  and all I want is to explode  and extinguish this fucking flame and just let myself die out im tired of feeling everything im tired of being a fucking time bomb that could explode at the slightest touch i wish i didn't feel anything because feeling nothing is better than feeling like you're on fire

i want to stop burning

[adoxoqraphy]

your head was pressed against my stomach and i rubbed your head gently and listened to the buzz of the television, you asked me why my heart was beating so fast i didnt know what to say i didnt know how to tell you that i was scared i was absolutely petrified to feel our hearts collide again and again and i was scared to taste the blood in my mouth that i felt last time when your mouth became a gun and you spat a bullet into my heart and im scared to crumble to the ground and feel myself bleed out, the last time you hurt me i became a corpse in a place of happy people and i lost who i was and who i wanted to be and i fucking love you to pieces and i dont want to get hurt and i regret not telling you last night that my heart was beating so fast because im so scared to love you instead i just whispered that i didnt know why and you nodded and kept watching tv

i wish i told you how i felt

[adoxoqraphy]

Im swallowing shots of cheap beer and coughing up clouds of smoke until my lungs are charcoal and im vomiting up ashes and i cant remember when the last time i ate was, but by the bones poking from my chest and knees, i guess its been a while and ive been trying to get the taste of you out of my mouth by kissing strangers and i cant even remember their names, just that they kind of looked like you but when i finally come home, i cant keep chasing down the thought of you with the cocaine i snorted and when i sit on my bed i feel the ghost of your fingertips wash over my skin and i cant run from you anymore because you live inside me you fucking burned a whole in my heart and im sitting on the bathroom floor now and the tile is cool against my legs and im trying to cough you up and ive been unzipping my wrists to get you out of my bloodstream, but all it does is leave me drowning in my own blood and vomit sobbing your name into my shaking hands why did you fucking have to leave me i think youre killing me

Love leaves you messy and scarred

[adoxoqraphy]

It was in class when my science teacher screamed at me and told me to pay attention to lecture He didnt know that i couldnt keep my eyes from sliding shut because i was up all night crying because i hate myself It was when my parents told me i should watch my weight and eat less They didnt know i havent eaten in 36 hours It was when my friends all went and partied and did drugs and didnt invite me They didnt know i was swallowing pills too, but it wasnt for fun It was when i texted my best friend and she didnt respond She didnt know i was going to try to kill myself and i just needed to talk to her Fuck, i just wanted to talk to her They couldnt have known. Its nobodys fault I just wish they could have known

Please be nice to everybody because you just never know

[adoxoqraphy]

You loved school more than me You loved your friends more than me You loved her more than me I loved you more than me

That was my first mistake

[adoxoqraphy]

ive spent a lot of time watching my fingers tremble as i drag my pencil against my paper im tired of spilling out words about how my heart physically aches for you and im so scared to close my eyes because i know that when they slide shut i'll see your face through all the darkness and sometimes ill catch a glimpse of the night sky out of the corner of my eye and i'll remember how you told me my eyes glittered like stars  and im so sorry i wish i could have been everything you always wanted me to be and ill keep writing about you and ill keep vomiting up the words i could never tell you because we aren't the same anymore god i wish we were the same

i want to go back to how things were

[adoxoqraphy]

I just feel really alone

I wish you were here like you used to be

[adoxoqraphy]

your writing sounds a lot like extrasad

Thanks shes cool i like her poetry thank you for the compliment(:

[adoxoqraphy]

youre going to kiss other girls who will taste like vanilla and peppermint and you’ll take them to the spot by your house that overlooks the ocean and you’ll play with their hair while you swallow down the thought of me with cheap beer and you’ll tell her that her eyes remind you of the color of the waves crashing on the beach and when you do, i pray to god that you look up at the moon and it reminds you of my grey eyes and when you take her home and push her onto your bed, you’ll look out your window and see the silver pools of moonlight shining onto your floor where i almost told you i loved you and when you do i hope you run into your bathroom and vomit up the pieces of me you probably wish you could forget and i hope that when you go back and kiss her you remember the taste of my chapstick and the perfume i used to wear and when you look into her eyes, i hope you catch a glimpse of the light of the moon

i hope that i haunt you

[adoxoqraphy]

its sleepless nights spent replaying every moment thats gone wrong that makes you wake up with dark bruises under your eyes. its standing in the shower as the scolding hot water scorches your skin and leaves it red and blotchy because you think that it will burn the sadness out of the bones. its your mother wanting to scream at you and tell you to get up and do something with yourself, but your empty stare makes her eyes tear up and all she can do is shake you and hope that she’ll rock your broken pieces back in place. its laying in bed and not having washed your hair in three days and feeling empty. you just feel so goddamn empty you don’t even feel real. you feel lifeless, dragging your body around like it’s a bag of sand and having everybody stare at you like youre going to collapse. its not feeling anything and then feeling everything all at once. its staring and seeing nothing but the dark creeping in on you and then its panic attacks in the hallways and trying not to cry in class because you dont want to be sent back to the counselors office again. its a sickness that burrows itself deep in your chest and you think that alcohol will help so you drink yourself to sleep because it makes you feel less empty and alone but all it does is turn your blood to vodka and make you vomit up the shattered remains of what you used to be. and you used to be smiles and now youre just cold and hard and empty and incapable of loving anything including yourself.

depression (via adoxoqraphy)

[adoxoqraphy]

i keep writing about you dozens of shitty poems that you'll never read and i spend my nights scribbling your name in ink on paper because its the only way i can keep you alive because when i write it's like your still there like you could still love me writing is the past because i can relive all the nights you spilled 'i love you' into our kisses and i can still feel the ghost of your fingertips lingering on my skin and when my pen leaves my paper its like my heart is breaking all over again because you dont love me and you dont kiss me anymore and your fingertips havent traced the freckles on my back in months and i feel myself fucking shattering  because the only way i can feel you love me is through the ink in my pen

i wish you loved me like you used too

[adoxoqraphy]

my breath is caught in my throat and i cant breathe its all coming down to hard everything is crashing around me and every single fucking things is going wrong why cant anything work out for me? what the fuck did i do to deserve this why do i have to be so hopeless and such a failure and everything hurts and im so tired and everybody has already taken so much out of me that there's hardly anything left just the shattered fragments of what i used to be how things should be and i dont see the point in trying because everythings too hard why does it have to be so hard? oh my god im so sorry but i really hope i dont wake up tomorrow

someone make the aching stop