@hartsgold murmurs ;
❛ how can you willingly choose to walk the path to your own death––? ❜
battle rages endlessly onward in your memory , a din of desperate yells && clashing blades / blood spilled && life lost . they say war’s first victim is innocence , but you lost yours long before , a child grown up far , far too early — you never shy from the front lines , && you never have . it would be cowardly to run from the pain && suffering you yourself have wrought . vivid are the recollection —— you swing your axe , lack the weight / the strain in your arms , cave one chest in ( yet another follows , then another . your blade is stained . you are a monster . ) the images linger , persistent , a ghost with hands firmly around your heart ; how fitting , you think , when your reflection meets your eyes .
peace has long abandoned you , queen of rage , surrendered your mind to endless turmoil —— but you deserve it , for all you’ve done , don’t you ? a mountain of corpses weighs down your shoulders ( && you remember every face , every family , every life torn apart . you don’t let them know that —— they would never believe you , regardless . ) silence , once a blessing , now proves unsettling / gives you far too much time to think , && you find you no longer have want of it .
each home you find proves temporary , moving from base to base , but even your own palace does not feel like home ; not to you , not anymore . you shy from your throne / haunt the halls instead , a ghost of your former self , && in turn you yourself are haunted ( by the red that stains your hands / by the bodies piled upon your shoulders / by the absence of those you called friends . ) despite it all , he finds you , a beast of war swathed in flowing red —— he beckons peace , but it is lost on you . the emotion in his eyes is unfamiliar , yet it strikes your heart regardless ; or , at least , what is left of it . ❛ claude . ❜ your voice holds nothing but conviction . you feel none of it .
he doesn’t speak , not immediately , you see the hesitation / search for the right words ( but do they exist ? ) && you cannot blame him . you have long since grown accustomed to the language of battle , words lodging in your throat , stuck at the tip of your tongue ; it seems , in this moment , he suffers the same . you glide close / keep your distance —— he doesn’t deserve to suffer , to be swept up in your trail of blood && death . you know he would resent your traitorous thoughts ( so you draw closer , just a step , && find you miss the sanctity of his palm against your own . ) when finally he finds his voice , however , there is a part of you that wishes he didn’t —— you aren’t ready for this conversation , && you doubt you ever will be .
there is a resolution in his tone that you know you can’t escape ; he will get his answer as you both stand in this very room , to a question presumably long plaguing his mind ( you know you hold a great many answers , albeit to questions others seem to shy from asking —— you wonder , do they fear the answer ? ) the sigh that falls from your lips is surely telling , for he knows you better than most / better than anyone . perhaps your hesitation is , too , yet you cannot bring yourself to care . ‘ how can you walk toward your own death ? ‘ the answer is simple enough , && always has been .
your own arms curl around yourself , a bid for safety / comfort —— you could count the times you’ve shared the secrets held closest to your heart on one hand , that which makes you most vulnerable . frustration keeps its distance , && in its place you are left with an eerie calm ( should it be this difficult ? in the end , it is a fact —— nothing more && nothing less . the words lodge in your throat regardless . ) the shake in your voice is slight , as is the break in your voice . were you not supposed to remain uncaring ? ❛ i —— i don’t have a choice . i haven’t since i was a child . ❜
but he doesn’t know , does he ? the horrors of your youth , the pain / the fear / the hatred . for you , was freedom ever truly an option ? you say your hands have been bound since childhood —— but even before you were forced to endure && endure && endure , was your fate anything different ? you turn , angle yourself away , hoping against hope that it will help . ❛ the details are —— too much , but ... i won’t live much longer . a little over a decade , at best . ❜ your brow furrows , head bows . it is strange , the weight that leaves your shoulders as your words find the air . ❛ if i fall in battle before my time comes , perhaps it will be a mercy . ❜ ah , but a mercy you do not deserve .
—— your heart is bared / && it bleeds .