Advice from a Bro

If you've got a problem, yo, I'll solve it. Seriously though, I'm here to help you kids so come ask a bro. Or if you've got yourself a lady problem, I'll ring up Momma Lalonde to help you out. Just tell me you want her and she'll be here faster than you can say plush rump. Home, school, family, friends, if you need a word, I've got one. And just so you know, all advice given here is completely unbiased, LGBTPAQI/MOGAI friendly, religiously tolerant, pro-sex, and backed by proper feminist ideals to promote complete equality. Hit me up. | Got a story to tell? Tag list: Bro's Advice | Lalonde's Advice | NSFW Advice | Thank you notes | About Me | Character Asks Gender Identity | Sexuality | Self Esteem | Family Trouble | Break Ups | Relationships | Friends | School | Depression, Disorders, Suicide & Abuse RESOURCES: Gender Identity | Depression, Disorders, Suicide & Abuse | Sexuality | Parental Emancipation

[penicillium-pusher]

If, after you are finished questioning and experimenting with gender/sexuality, you figure out that you are straight and/or cisgender, that is completely okay. Your time spent figuring yourself out was not wasted or in vain, and you weren’t “faking it” the whole time. You’re just as valid as anyone else.

[mysocalled-gay-life]

PREACH. Experimenting and becoming more self aware is NOT a waste of time.

[pancakereport-deactivated201904]

Gender neutral or non binary does not mean flat chest, strong jawline, and typically masculine clothing. Boobs are gender neutral, dresses are gender neutral. Gender neutral does not mean masculine.

[advicefromabro]

Is it possible to change one's gender identity? I am asking this because in the past, I had always strongly identified as female (designated at birth), but I have begun to question this identity. I have imagined myself in both a male and female identity for awhile now and feel as though I would be comfortable as either one. Is it possible that I could have gone from possessing a binary gender to a non-binary one? Thank you.

That is absolutely possible and in a lot of cases, how pretty much every trans person starts out. 

No ones really designated non-binary at birth except for the few intersex individuals who make it through by the skin of their teeth. So most of us start on the binary somewhere. It’s up to us to hop off it if that’s how we end up feeling.

[advicefromabro]

Hey, so I am afab, but I definitely want to present myself more masculinely, and I've found myself feeling sometimes like they/them or he/him are better pronouns for me on a given day. I still have plenty of times when I feel like being very feminine and using she/her though. I think I might be nonbinary but since I have barely any dysphoria (occasionally I don't like having breasts but it's not that strong) I'm not sure. I'm scared I'm just a cis girl who wants to be "special".

Listen, even if you end up deciding you’re a cis girl, there’s no reason to think the only reason you went though all of this just to be a special snowflake. That’s just a shitty rhetoric handed to you by gate-keeping cynics and transphobes. 

Experimenting is healthy and about the only way to know for sure how you feel. Physical dysphoria despite what some will tell you is not a mandatory requirement for transness. I’d instead consider how you feel on the social dysphoria front, since that’s where I’ve noticed most people find their problem. It’s all about how you’re perceived by people that causes you discomfort with your gender. 

It all goes back into the idea that biological sex is a social construct that make there no real such thing as a “female body” which means any body can be a female body, depending on the person who’s using it. I won’t get into it.

Point is, experiment, try new pronouns and clothes and names, do so on separate accounts if you don’t want to drag everyone with you, and if in the end you decide you’re fine being a girl who maybe binds sometimes, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that and you weren’t faking.

[advicefromabro]

I've recently started questioning my gender, but I'm not sure what gender I am. I'm a male, but sometimes when I'm horny, I REALLY wish I had a vagina to finger. I'm only sexually attracted to women though and I don't want to lose my dick. Advice?

With ALL DUE RESPECT, have you tried fingering your ass.

Okay okay, seriously though, imaging your anatomy to be different is a common trans thing, but it isn’t necessarily so, either. It may just be a fantasy, something different or new that you want to feel.

If you are questioning your gender then all the power to you, but I don’t think I’d say wanting different anatomy to jerk around should necessarily be considered  catalyst for that. You know?

(Seriously though, assplay, 10/10 would recommend to even the straightest of dudes.)

[advicefromabro]

How do I get over loving my best friend who knows I love her that way yet continues to date others and say I love you to me in a friend way?

Not to be blunt, but uh, maybe you should start by dropping that entitled attitude? 

Just because she knows that you love her doesn’t mean she has to drop her entire romantic life to soften the blow for you. She’s her own person with her own feelings. If you love her this much why would you want her to hold herself back for you when you know she doesn’t feel the same? Sounds pretty caging. 

But, to answer your question, I pretty much always say the same thing for this sort of issue and it boils down to focusing on yourself. Find a flaw in your personality that you could work on (I think I gave you a pretty good suggestion) or pick up a new hobby you want to learn or finish something you haven’t finished yet.

Putting your focus on yourself for awhile will draw you away from the need for romance which helps nip those feelings in the bud and helps you get on with your life. It also keeps your mind occupied so you don’t even realize you aren’t thinking about her.

[advicefromabro]

Thank you so so so much I am crying, good crying, you are so nice thank you

Don’t mention it Bro, that’s what I’m here for.

[advicefromabro]

so i thought i was a cisgender lady but now im kinda questioning that because sometimes i feel like a boy and masculine but mostly im a girl and feminine and and im very confused as to what to call myself, and im not sure if my gender identity is different or if it is just my gender expression, thanks 4 ur help

If how you’re feeling changes instead of just what you feel like wearing, it is in all likelihood an identity issue over expression. But don’t fret, because I have a few gender switching labels to offer you.

Genderfluid refers to a fluidity of genders. Imagine being in a big pool, except the water is a psychedelic clusterfuck of gender. Demigirl refers to identifying as female, but not completely. This may not apply because you are switching between girl and boy, but it’s something to consider. Demigirl is opposite demiboy and is more or less exchangeable with nonbinary girl.bigender/trigender are possibly the most fitting, they refer to being both one gender and another, possibly at the same time though not necessarily. That’s actually where I fit on the lovely gender spectrum. I’ve been bigender for quite some time, though I still present male for the most part. 

You may fine comfort in other labels too, or maybe you just want to label how you feel yourself. Both are perfectly fine and I wish ya all the best in figuring it out.

[advicefromabro]

So uh, I'm genderfluid and I've also had sex before. But I am not very comfortable with that. I can masturbate with out problem most of the time and I am okay with the idea of giving to a girl. But as soon as someone touches under my clothes I get uncomfortable. To me, it's kinda gross and makes me feel dirty. I want to be able to preform normally with my girlfriend. Is there something wrong with me?

What you’re thinking of is sex repulsion. It’s super common, especially on the asexual spectrum, but can be found with loads of other sexual identities, too. 

It may be possible to work your way out of it, but it’ll probably take time and practice for you to trust and feel comfortable. It may also never happen, and it’s important not to punish yourself for that. How you feel is completely normal, and you aren’t broken in the least to be feeling that way.

[advicefromabro]

I need some really long sweet messages to send to a girl I like so she will wake up with a smile on her face

Sweet messages don’t mean much if they don’t come from your heart and aren’t personalized to the dame.

Stuff like that doesn’t need to be poetic. Just ramble on about her. If anything she’ll find your fumbling endearing. 

[advicefromabro]

I'm a trans dude and my brother just told me in the car tonight that my wearing skirts and having long hair and getting scared and running from my first testosterone shot means that I'm faking being trans for attention and that he resents me for making the family uncomfortable and that's why he never uses my name and calls me his sister to people. Please tell me something positive I've been sobbing all night he's my older brother he's supposed to be on my side I don't understand why he hates me.

Your brother is wrong, incorrect, go straight to jail, do not pass go, do not collect $200. 

I’ve brought this up before but I’ll reiterate, identity does not always line up with the social acceptable gender expression. 

You can be a dude with long hair, wearing dresses as much as any trans woman can still be a woman without giving up jeans and constantly shaving. 

Getting injections takes a lot of spoons and a lot of guts, especially for someone who has a fear of needles. Hormonal transitioning is also not at all required for your to have your identity and use it too. 

Your brother is working off archaic standards that have been ingrained in him since birth, and while it might take him some time and some educating to unlearn those, you can convince him otherwise. It sucks that he’s choosing those over family, and it’s not fair. 

But he’s wrong. You’re fine however you choose to dress, no matter what point in life you are in. 

[advicefromabro]

Can I bind my chest using a waist slimmer? There's one laying around my home no longer in use

Not sure I’ve ever heard of that being done, but as long as it’s stretchy enough to let your lungs expand and you take breaks from wearing it every few hours, I can’t see why it wouldn’t be. Too much stretch though of course will leave you as significantly unbinded. If you haven’t held a binder before, they are sturdy and tight.

I don’t bind, though, so I probably am not the best person to cover this. I’d suggest a quick search for trans resources to find someone with a bit more know-how than I have to double check for you. In the meantime, I gotta recommend GC2b, a company that has glowing reviews. A bit of an investment for someone who may not have an income, but worth while in the long run for how long they last.

I will also recommend this tutorial for making your own with scrap sewing supplies, which is especially useful if you’re a cosplayer and may already have this junk laying around.

[advicefromabro]

I'm an afab and I was just wondering is it bad that on the days I dress more femininely I want to be like "recognized" as a guy and use male pronouns and on the days I dress more masculine I want people to use female pronouns and etc? Thank you!!

Nope, that's not bad at all. Genderqueer and bigender are both appropriate labels for that.

[advicefromabro]

This question is about my gender and sexuality. I was born a girl and I am attracted to guys, but sometimes I feel I am attracted to guys as a male. (Does that make sense?) I still feel right being a girl, but I would also like to have a relationship with a guy as a guy. What does this make me? Please help.

I think the theory I read about in regards to this feeling had a lot to do with heteronormative power imbalances. The reason behind wanting to be with a guy "as a guy" is basically that, you want to be loved and respected as a guy would be loved and respected.

Girls get the short end of the stick thanks to a lot of shitty standards society sets out for them. They're seen as the passive partner, even if it's not in such outright ways as being a housewife.

If you're comfortable in your identity, my suggestion would be to find a man who treats you like a complete equal, and doesn't change his attitude toward you based on you needing pampering or extra help. It's slim picking, but you'll find someone. Guy I knew in college was great for that. I'd hook you two up if I could.

[advicefromabro]

Is it okay to wear my binder while drumming?

I think the general rule is to never do anything extraneous while binding, just because it puts a lot of strain on your lungs as it is to be overworking them. That being said, I'm sure you can pull it off so long as you take very, very frequent breaks during which you take the binder off and take a few moments to work on your deep breathing.

Ultimately, it's ill-advised, but probably not impossible.

[advicefromabro]

how do you get over a girl cheating on you

I'd say it's the same as getting over anything else. Lots of time, lots of heartache, and lots of personal growth. I've mentioned before in situations like this that focusing on yourself is a vital tool. Work on your individuality to avoid thinking too much or relying too much on the feeling of being in a relationship. Don't look at their Facebook page, delete their number so you aren't tempted. Do something nice for you, set an athletic or artistic goal for yourself to focus on while you pass the time. Be constructive and don't dwell.

In your case specifically though, I think the most important thing to realize, remember, and recognize, is that it wasn't your fault. Being cheated on isn't the result of your inadequacies. It's the result of a partner who's not properly versed in communication or consideration.

[advicefromabro]

what are some ways to meet people with similar interests to me? i have trouble meeting people of the opposite sex that i have any feelings for and i never talk to the people i do like

As weird as it sounds, I have personally met a lot of platonic friends on OkCupid. Gives you a chance to meet people locally while having it stated off the bat that you are only looking for friendship. Getting to know someone online was always easier for me, considering I intimidate everyone I approach.

Getting comfortable with them in a more safe environment might help calm your nerves when you eventually decide to go see a movie or something. (Age of Ultron, anyone?) 

That being said, basic internet safety still applies- make sure to meet in a public place and make sure someone knows where you're going and about how long you're going to be gone.