Not so Crazy Talk

Mental illness is a problem. Not knowing about mental illness is a bigger problem. Not treating people with mental illness is yet an even bigger problem. I'm not quite sure what I can do to help, but I guess education is where I can start. I can openly say that I have experienced the unfairness of the stigma that plagues people like me, and I'm sick of doing nothing. So here I go, let's try to do something.

[aeramoure]

Lazy Ass A

I remember a while back that my therapist was talking about how bipolar can make you lose your memory. Well, that happened recently; I completely forgot I had a doctor’s appointment. That’s especially bad since I was pretty down the past two weeks, pretty lazy, unmotivated, and worst of all, the meds I was on were making me nauseous. Ick. I really hope I can hold out for the next two weeks before I get to see him again. Ugh.

I also went way up after going way down, and it hit my wallet: hurray manic shopping sprees! Not hurray negative account balance! Definitely not hurray since I recently quit my job so I can focus on school, which is why I’m now searching for a way to make money without a job. Basically, I joined a cashback site and hoarded coupons to spend as little money as possible, and selling old textbooks might bring in a little. But I feel like that’s not enough. I’m at the point where I don’t have enough time for a job but I have way too much time to not be doing something more than I already am. It’s really like I’m not productive enough. God, I hate being lazy, but I really am.

I seriously need to escape being such a bum.

Ugh.

from Lazy Ass A

[aeramoure]

WOAH I’m Not So Angry Anymore…

Wow. It really has been a while. I do apologize for disappearing again; Things have just been so crazy, you know?

About a month or two ago, when the drama with my previous uni was at it’s peak, I remember sitting in my therapist’s office talking about how dealing with my anger needed to happen. I realized: I’m angry. I had never been that furious at life before; anger management wasn’t something that came to mind. The uni was just not budging: they had this rhetoric of calling me a danger to “myself, others, and the community” down to a tee that it was really making me question myself. Am I dangerous? Should I be alone? Deciding to spend this semester at the community college has given me the space to think about it. And not just space, but time, too. I opted for just taking three classes, and since the job was too stressful and time consuming, I quit it. Besides, my father has always preferred I put studies before work at this stage in my life. The uni had re-accepted me after they slipped up and filled out the registrar’s report in a way that incriminated me, i.e, when I pointed out the potential discrimination.

In any case, I’ve had time to think. And while thinking, I filled out a couple of transfer applications for the spring. Peace began to came when my family opted to finally speak to a lawyer. She told us that this bullshit happens everywhere. Hell, she even had some cases against some of the schools I was applying to.  But she said we may have had a case against them for lack of due process. Basically, they made all these decisions and flung all these letters at me on the basis of the illness without giving me a chance to defend myself against their claims. The question is, will we sue? The answer is, surprisingly, no. I talked to my dad about it, and he came to two conclusions: a) it’s too long and expensive, and b) we already got what we wanted when they corrected the registrar report. So what did I have to do? Let it go. (Cue Frozen reference.) (Sorry.)

So I did let it go. In fact, while I totally despise this POS community college I’m at (dear God this is fucking 13th grade here,) After getting my first response back for a new uni, I’ve been super excited to move forward. What I have to do now is be the bigger person and just move on. So I’ll be back here, again, but not to rant about my life so much as to try to bring forward ideas like I probably should. I guess I do talk about talks with my dad a lot, you can guess I’m close with him, ha. But he mentioned that I’ve taken such an “against” attitude with a lot of negativity about life. I hated people, I hated life, I hated everything. That doesn’t mean I don’t want to set it right. But being against things isn’t the way to make change—being positive makes for a much better argument.

With that said, if anyone wants to make any sort of impact anywhere, sitting there and making angry rants or tearing things down isn’t going to get you there: offering alternatives and participating in an intellectual dialogue is. If anything, it’s something I wish we’d do more in this society. I take it I might as well just settle down and do my part.

from WOAH I’m Not So Angry Anymore…

[aeramoure]

5 Reasons Bipolar Hasn’t Beat Me Yet

I guess before I start, I might as well update. I’ve decided the only rational thing to do is quit my previous hellish university, go to community college for a semester, and then transfer somewhere worthwhile. So, transfer essays have kept me busy, and I’ve simmered down, starting to reflect and think about how to mend things with my friends. I can only pray it works well. In any case, reflecting is on my mind, and I might as well share.

  1. Dreams

We all have dreams, I don’t doubt that. They might be big or small, ambitious or realistic. It might be some career or just to wish for normalcy and happiness. My case is the former, and it drives me to not give up. I want to go into psychiatry and maybe do a little genetic research on the side. I couldn’t stand unfinished business, and it’s enough of a reason to keep pressing. Thinking about it, psychiatry means patients who would rely on me—giving up now is giving up on them. Not to mention giving up on them could cost someone’s life! I once found myself feeling hopeless while sitting with my friends in the university cafeteria, when all was still sort of good. One of my friends proposed to me the idea of giving up on my dreams, that that wouldn’t be worth it. When I think of it, it makes sense. I don’t know how I manage to keep the clarity of this in my blackest moments, but seeing it is reason enough to keep going.

  2. Friends

I’m one of those lucky people to have other people in my life; I count it as a blessing meant to treasure. It’s not necessary to keep alive—some people get along as introverts just fine. That’s just not me, though. It goes back to unfinished business. Leaving them, abandoning them, would make me incredibly guilty, probably leading to an unhappy death. If I were to ever die, I would at least want to do it in peace. I guess it’s a sense of responsibility to them. I don’t know why or how, but the attachment to feeling some sort of debt to them for leading me out of the dark. Things are rocky with them, but I’ll try and fix it, and if that fails, then I really don’t blame them.

  3. Straightening things up.

I can’t stand the injustice in the world. Get it together, society! Nobody wants the bad guys to win, and letting that happen is really a shame. The appalling situation with the uni has opened my mind to the realities, and I won’t be at peace until it’s over. I won’t let them get away with it; it’s not right.

  4. I just want to be normal!!

Is it really too much to ask for? I see happiness in other people and it’s all I can really wish for when it boils down to the root of things. I don’t know why or how I can’t die at peace without setting things right, but that’s good enough for me.

  5. I can’t let everyone else down.

It boils down to the rest of what I’ve talked about. I won’t be at peace until things are set straight, and I feel a duty to do that as a person in the world. However I got to where I am, I am grateful for it. If anything, leaving a positive mark in the heart of another person is a feat I deem necessary.

  Peace,

A

from 5 Reasons Bipolar Hasn’t Beat Me Yet

[aeramoure]

Very Inspiring Blogger Award!!

Sooo, I got the Very Inspiring Blogger award from Lulufille, and I thought I might as well take part.

Rules for accepting the Very Inspiring Blogger Award:

1. Thank you to the amazing blogger who nominated you, with a link back to their blog (above). 2. List the rules and display the award on your blog (here). 3. Share seven facts about yourself (below). 4. Nominate fifteen other amazing blogs and comment on their posts to let them know they’ve been nominated (below).

Thanks a ton for nominating me! I never thought I would inspire someone, and it fills me with some sort of honor to see that my little self could somehow impact someone.

Seven facts about myself:

1. I am such a study nerd. I don’t know why or how someone could love the mostly dreaded idea of school, but I have a natural knack for being some sort of dorky information sponge and I might as well go with it.

2. I am currently obsessed with video games. I again don’t know why or how, but my friend somehow convinced me to play the mass effect series. Yes, I know, they’re already on Mass Effect 3, but I had to play it from the beginning, and it was the best spent 30$ that I’ve done in a while. It gives me something to do, and at the age of 19, I know my parents disapprove, but whatever. I’m currently on the second part of the series, and it has me hooked.

3. I actually hate my dog. It’s a rat! It’s an over sized Yorkshire Terrier that’s not house trained, has no teeth, (they were all rotten, so they got pulled…) and smells. I feel like a terrible person for hating the thing, but whenever I decide to put up with the stink, he’s worth cuddling to death, that poor animal.

4. I have a POS but loveable smart car. Having a clown car inevitably means I am more likely to die on the road. I escaped that in a terrifying hit and run on the highway, that asshole, and got away with a scratch on the side. The guy is still an asshole. My car is a total joke, enough said. Still I spend all of 26$ on gas a week, which is totally worth it for a broke college student.

5. I sing in said car, which makes things worse. I have a terrible voice, despite my subconscious dreams of appearing on The Voice. Not going to happen, but a girl can dream.

6. Feeling unstoppable, here. I don’t know if I’m in a prolonged hypomanic episode, but I’m feeling like I can do anything. I’ve gotten over my anger with the uni, and I’m determined to succeed so hard I can take it to the Dean Bitch of Students, rub it in her face, and tell her to go fuck herself.

7. Even though I hate the dog, I love the fish and aquatic frog that I talk to them as if they were a diary or therapist or something. Even though you can’t cuddle with them, they have a certain appealing sass.

Nominations!!

http://ift.tt/1BuwXXY You have a certain sense of determination, and I definitely admire that.

http://ift.tt/1md6B2S Did I mention determination? One of the best qualities. Keep pressing! Look forward to seeing new chapters in your life.

http://ift.tt/1BuwVQ5 Definitely inspiring. You speak the truth, and honestly, too.

http://ift.tt/1oAJ5Da Street people don’t get enough recognition, and you bring their stories to life. ‘Nuff said.

http://ift.tt/1eX3Tvu You also tell it how it is, and the world definitely needs more of that.

http://ift.tt/1BuwYLw You really have a different take on struggles, and it’s worth listening to.

http://ift.tt/1md6B32 Also looking forward to the new chapters in your life; keep pressing!

http://ift.tt/1BuwXY2 Did I mention how much I love people who tell it how it is already?

http://ift.tt/1ofseWl Despite being away for a while, not only the stories inspire me, but also the truth telling. Oh wait, I mentioned that!

Unfortunately nobody else pops up at the top of my head. Sorry!

  Again, thanks for the prize!

  -A

from Very Inspiring Blogger Award!!

[aeramoure]

Ten Days in a Mad House – An Historic Expose

Originally posted on bi[polar] curious:

Nellie Bly

There have been times I have consider the treatment and care I’ve received in psychiatric inpatient units to be practically medieval; sleeping under blankets so thin I could see through them, eating portions too small to warrant any condiments, and witnessing both incompetent doctors and vicious nurses. Granted, not all of these places have been created equally, and while some psychiatric hospitals or wards have been brought up to date, others remain wanting.

With those feelings in mind, I began a journey listening to the account of a 19 year old woman living in the 1880’s who purposefully had herself committed to the local asylum in a journalistic effort to report on the conditions therein.

I believe I was directed toward Ten Days in a Madhouse by Nellie Bly by an episode of one of my favorite podcasts, Stuff You Missed In History Class. I secured…

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from Ten Days in a Mad House – An Historic Expose

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When Anger Takes Over

So, on Wednesday, I talked to my therapist about what’s going on. She enlightened me as to how the uni is just ridiculous and trying to have any control over it isn’t possible. She also told me that I was feeling something I had never had before: anger. I’ve been mad, but everyone gets a little pissed off every now and then. This isn’t that; it is a full blown, fiery rage that’s built up inside me looking for an escape. As you saw in my last post, I mentioned that my situation with the uni is eating me alive. It is, in the end, the anger that’s doing that. I’m completely lost.

The fact is, I’ve been so caught up in the discrimination that my anger is at its ends. It is all I think about—I’m obsessed. I don’t understand how God, if he exists, can make this happen. Catholics have the belief that suffering happens for the part of the bigger picture, that His plan requires many things to happen, which may involve suffering, but are for the greater good. I think this to be utter bullshit. For the greater good? It invalidates everyone’s suffering. It’s cruel and unnecessary. But, I don’t mean to offend anyone, just to put that out there. In any case, this has me dumbfounded, and looking for a way out is getting some collateral damage. I’ve begun burning bridges with my friends violently. I feel like a shitty person now that I think of it. I decided to release my anger upon others, which is not okay, and I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to fix it.

My therapist has told me that the coping skills need to happen. This blog is one of them, but it is so difficult to put everything into action. I wonder if there are others like me, going through anything similar, feeling my rage, and stuck in life. If you’re out there, I would love to hear the stories. This needs to end, and I think together, support can happen.

Peace,

A

from When Anger Takes Over

[aeramoure]

I Don’t Understand

I have had one question on my mind in the midst of the mess I’ve gotten into: Why do people discriminate? Yeah, it comes from fear of something different, but why choose to react by discriminating? There are other ways to cope with fear. Don’t people realize that different does not mean bad or dangerous? It’s been eating me alive. This whole thing has been eating me alive; it’s turning into a legal civil rights mess. I guess I should fill everyone in on what happened, since I’ve been gone so long.

In the spring of 2014, I went to the hospital to deal with my bipolar. As a result, as a consequence of getting treatment, I was banned from setting foot on campus grounds, let alone go to classes, for the “safety of other students.” I was to provide documentation that I was mentally healthy to go back. It sounds reasonable at first, but punishing someone for taking care of themselves, just because it’s a mental illness (if I had gone for something physical, they wouldn’t have acted the way they did) is wrong. I could make the argument that setting a precedent like that would deter a lot of people from getting treatment for fear of retaliation from the university. But I figured that getting documentation would be easy; my therapist had reassured me that things like this usually get worked out. Usually does not mean always, and this did not fall into the category of “usual.”

A couple of weeks ago, my therapist provided a solid letter in my defense to letting me go back to school. They rejected it. We were baffled at their response. They had outlined a list of things the letter needed to include, and we covered all of it. They wanted more information, all of which is confidential and none of their beeswax, and they were holding my education hostage to get it. But when we asked for clarification of what Dean Bitch wanted from us, she parroted the same bullet points back at us from the letter. I told her that was an unacceptable answer, cryptic, and I demanded something definitive. She wants psychological testing.

There are two reasons why this is ridiculous:

My insurance, as good as it is, does not cover psychological testing and one test (they want multiple tests) can cost up to 3,000 to 4,000 dollars that I cannot afford. Nobody should be forced to shell out that amount of money to get basic medical clearance; there are other, much less invasive and less expensive ways to do it.

It’s invasive. They do not need the amount of confidential information that such a test entails, and in my therapist’s X amount of years as a social worker, not a single university has ever asked for psych testing. It’s abnormal.

So, in comes the lawyer. My father contacted the family lawyer to look at things, but I need a civil rights attorney for this. It’s simple discrimination; they are bashing me not because I committed any wrongdoing, but on the simple basis that I have a mental illness.

This is eating me alive. My mind is just about full of anger at everything because I have no control over anything anymore. This whole thing has me alone, losing my friends. I have to do college transfer applications and somehow think of a way of slipping out under the radar without the other universities knowing. This has me temporarily without an education. The only thing I have right now is my job, which is also eating me alive for other reasons.

If I don’t think of a way to help myself, I’m going to end up in a hospital again and they will win. That’s my biggest fear.

from I Don’t Understand

[aeramoure]

5 Biggest Disappointments in Life

aeramoure:

Wise words, Michelle. The fact is that life is a bitch and whatever we do has little effect on the decisions of other people, their innate nature, and the way they treat us. Number 4 is especially false; No matter how nice you are to people, that doesn’t have diddly squat to do with what their decisions about you are. Yeah, I mean, being nice to someone ups your chances of getting respect, but it doesn’t guarantee anything. I have always tried to be the best daughter to my mother. However, the way she deals with her bipolar disorder (or doesn’t, rather) means that she gives little thought to communication skills with me. She can’t hold a conversation with me without breaking out into screaming. In other words, this is a prime example that no matter how hard I try to fix things, there is no solution. This is not an isolated sort of situation, so don’t think you’re guaranteed for smooth sailing anywhere. Smooth sailing doesn’t exist. Now, that doesn’t mean we don’t have control over our lives; we can do everything in our power to steer the boats of our lives and navigate through stormy waters. It’s possible to cross the ocean without capsizing. I guess what I mean to say is that life is a total bitch with no regard for human life, dignity, integrity, or general good will, but we can tell her to shut the fuck up and we can promptly make do with what we have. We can make things work sometimes, to a certain extent. Maybe I’m too hopeful– I probably am. I don’t deny that it’s hard. But I guess a flake of optimism is what’s getting through to me now.

Originally posted on Rumble Thoughts:

Right from the start, it has always been expectations versus reality. We all know which of the two wins most of the time. As a kid, I was idealistic about life. Maybe that is why I ended up having depression – I’ve always had false hopes.

(By the way, I highly discourage kids to read this. Enjoy your optimism while it lasts.)

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from 5 Biggest Disappointments in Life

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Upside-Down and Backwards

To say that the mental health system in America is broken is an understatement. I’m sure you all knew that. But what’s worse is that not many realize the extent to which it is stigmatized. Even so, how much the discrimination is institutionalized. It is, quite frankly, disgusting.

Recently I’ve learned of Rep. Tim Murphy’s atrocious mental health reform bill. First and worst, it is all based on the preposition that the mentally ill are innately violent. (News flash, that’s false.) The bill, if enacted, would strip the mentally ill of our HIPAA privacy rights. Let me emphasize the word “rights.” A right is something an individual is morally entitled to. To say that the land of the free is going to take away the privacy of someone with bipolar and schizophrenia but leave the rights of someone with cancer or diabetes is well, fucked up. I mean, what makes us so different? I am a human being, and I demand to be treated as such. We are not violent. We are not criminals. We are just trying to live normal lives with crosses on our backs that are much heavier than the bureaucrats and nasty politicians who claim to be crusading for us but really aren’t. Going back to the preposition of violence, these political assholes seem to miss the fact that the mentally ill are 10x more likely to be victims of violent crime than to be perpetrators. Where in this godforsaken bill is there anything to protect against that? Nowhere? That’s a shame. The bill also would allow doctors to drug us up mindlessly as if we ought to be turned into zombies for the “safety” of everyone else. Hey, guess what? They are protecting themselves from a delusion. This violence they fear so much practically doesn’t exist. To drug someone up and call them a danger for the sake of their own safety doesn’t fix them, it makes them feel worse. It validates the negative feelings they hold against themselves and makes them more likely to hurt themselves. They are making things worse. I wouldn’t be surprised if Murphy tried to enact a law to put the mentally ill in concentration camps just like what Hitler did to the Jews.

But discrimination like this is not new. It happens in the workplace, in homes, and in schools. Working at a call center that refers people to treatment centers shows just how much people discriminate against the people they are calling for, the people they are trying to help. I once had a lady that wanted to get her son into treatment for depression and anxiety. So I listed off some centers for mental health and she retorted, “No, no, those are for crazy people.” Excuse me? This is mental health. That includes depression and anxiety. There is no room for “crazy” here. God do I hate the word “crazy.” But this illustrates a point. Even the people close to those who suffer with us lack the education to simply get it right. The best way to fight discrimination is through education. The most prevalent form of education for the public is the media. Well, we’re out of luck there; the media sucks. They of all people, fuel the discrimination with their stories about tragic families trying to protect their children from being violent, as if that was a majority and a representation of us, which feeds the ideals that moved Tim Murphy to draft his bill into the minds of the masses. Sickening.

When will anything change? I would hope there are some of us brave enough to stand up and tell the world that we are not about to bend over and take this abuse up our asses. ‘Cause I’m about ready to give the world a piece of my mind. Well, oops. I think rant mode here means I already did. (Whatever.)

  Peace,

-A

from Upside-Down and Backwards

[aeramoure]

ACTION ALERT*** STOP MURPHY BILL*** ACTION ALERT** HR3717

Originally posted on Emily Elizabeth Pierce:

ACTION ALERT

IF A LARGE NUMBER OF PEOPLE COULD DO THE FOLLOWING THINGS WE COULD MAKE A HUGE IMPACT WITH ENSURING THE MURPHY BILL IS NOT IMPLEMENTED.

Buy 2 Post Cards

On the First post card your going to write why you oppose the Murphy Bill, write #mentalhealth and mail it to Representative Tim Murphy on Wednesday July 24, 2014.

The Second Post Card your going to write why you oppose the Murphy Bill, write #mentalhealth and mail it to any ONE of the Co-Sponsors of Representative Tim Murphy’s Bill. Your going to mail this out on Friday July 26, 2014.

Representative Tim Murphys Mailing address

2332 Rayburn House Office Building,

Washington, DC 20515

List of Co-Sponsors

http://1.usa.gov/UiSvWa

**** Just an FYI Post Cards are extremely cheap you can get them sometimes for less than 25 cents. If you have a stationary store, cvs, staples etc.. you can buy…

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from ACTION ALERT*** STOP MURPHY BILL*** ACTION ALERT** HR3717

[aeramoure]

Ethics of the Media

aeramoure:

Sounds thoughts.

Originally posted on Emily Elizabeth Pierce:

Mental Health Advocate

Today I wrote the email below to Congressman Tim Murphy, Cc some of the media on it. In the email I attached sound proof of ethical misconduct on the part of my attending psychiatrist. Proof that if the media aired the story they would not be legally be held liable. All too often we hear about the mentally ill being violent but what we don’t hear in the media are stories of trauma that are caused by a broken mental health system. Stories that are held back by the media no matter how much proof you bring to them. I would like to see how ethical the media actually is and if they are willing to expose the truth about psychiatry.

Dear Congressman Murphy, I am writing to you because on three separate occasions I have called your office over a months period of time to speak…

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from Ethics of the Media

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A Chemical Imbalance of Stigma and School

beliefs on “chemical imbalance” and the resulting stigma

I always thought that revealing to the world that mental Illness is biological in nature and nobody’s fault, that it it akin to diabetes and heart disease, would ease the stigma in our Societies. According to this article and these studies, I guess not.

It takes a certain kind of reeducation for out societies so that everyone can come to terms with the following:

1. It’s not your fault. 2. It’s more common than you think (you’re not alone). 3. It doesn’t make you less of a person. 4. You deserve respect because of all of the above.

According to the studies, people who held the belief that mental illness was biological tended to think that the mentally ill are more dangerous, and they were less likely to want to associate with them. I have news for those people. First of all, they’re wrong. If mental illness is not caused by decision, then how exactly do we have this supposed innate tendency towards violence? When it comes to mental illness, I never signed up for this shit.

We simply don’t need the bullshit from others telling us that while it’s biological, and they think they’re breaking the stigma with that belief, to say that it makes us less of decent and less than human is really only feeding the stigma.

I would propose that we teach psychology in high schools, akin to the health classes students already take for the sake of life skills. If teaching teenagers in school how to put on a condom is important enough, then we sure as he’ll better teach them to respect other people who are less fortunate in the hand they were dealt in life. It would solve so many things, from stigma to bullying to prejudice everywhere. Understanding psychology is a life skill in itself. If we are teaching health classes for kids to take care of their bodies in life, isn’t it only fair that we teach them to take care of their minds?

from A Chemical Imbalance of Stigma and School

[aeramoure]

Keeping Up

Wow, there’s so much going on. Sort of. Now that I’m done with Calculus, I have loads of free time. But, I keep busy. I’m tasked with ferrying my sister to and from summer school, and appointments with the doc and therapist are as usual. The University situation has me beyond angry and nervous. Release forms for the whole dean of students office? That’s overkill. These people see the mentally ill painted as criminals and respond by treating us as such when we have a crisis of any sort. For a school that has such an excellent social work and psychology program (my therapist studied there) they are beyond backwards. Yeah, I have an excellent team behind me, but it can’t stop me from semi-freaking out. That occupies my time.

One of my friends convinced me to start playing the videogame Mass Effect and it is so awesome. But yeah, I hadn’t really thought about how violent shooting video games would hurt my chances of getting back into school… Well, as long as they don’t know about it! It’s really fun, and, it occupies my time!! Wonderful. If I were to recommend anything in any time, it would be to keep yourself busy. When you’re busy, as long as you don’t overload with too many things to do, you end up not having time to get depressed. It works! The job and videogames and classes have me occupied enough to not sink into the summer depression I usually end up in.

One other thing I’ve been up to is apartment shopping. I’ve been looking for a room share in the city where I go to school, and well, it’s been unsuccessful so far. Plus, this city is expensive, dear Lord. I’ll figure it out; I need to leave the nest from the parental units eventually, you know?

But it’s good to be feeling good; it’s good to be feeling normal, that is. It’s enough for me to want to help others now that I can take care of myself better. Oh yeah, Skype Support System: if you need some quick support, hit me up on Skype at with username aeramoure.

from Keeping Up

[aeramoure]

My Letter to President Obama asking to STOP the Civil Rights Violations Against People with Mental Illness

aeramoure:

Dear President Obama,

In complete agreement, I find myself in a similar situation as Emily in terms of universities discriminating against the mentally ill. I have seen fellow patients have to fight for their jobs just because they are asking for Title IX accommodations. There is an institutionalized discrimination against people who have enough baggage as it is and don’t need the extra hate on top of it. The LGBTQ community is taking a stand against discrimination for them and you’ve supported them, what makes us so different? It’s time you got real about equal rights for every soul in this country.

-A

Originally posted on Emily Elizabeth Pierce:

President Barack Obama

The White House

1600 Pennsylvania Ave NW

Washington, D.C. 20500

Dear President Obama:

As a client of the mental health system in New York State and a sufferer of Major Depressive and Posttraumatic Stress Disorder, I would like to express and share with you my experiences, concerns and recommendations on how I have endured the mental health system.

A little background on myself, I am thirty- three years old, live in Northern New York State, I have a bachelors degree in Criminal Justice and am studying to become a Social Worker at Fordham University. I work in retail part-time. I am on the young professional advocacy board for NAMI-NYC Metro and I also in my spare time advocate for those in the mental health system who are not able to advocate for themselves. My legislative mental health advocacy initiatives include reaching out to New York State Senator…

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from My Letter to President Obama asking to STOP the Civil Rights Violations Against People with Mental Illness

[aeramoure]

New Light New Light in my Little Life…

I tend to catastrophize every now and then about my future, and I’ve been talking with my therapist about it. I’m young and I’m coming to realize that I have this disorder and I’m starting to realize, “now what.” Like, is this going to ruin my life by nature, is it a part of who I am, like what? Apparently, developmentally I’m in that part of my life where I’m finding my identity, and Bipolar is making its way into that question. It tries me time and time again and I always manage to tell it to fuck off and get out of my way.

But how do I manage? First I might say, I don’t know. But then I come to the fact that I have a kickass medical team that has my back. They are basically tag-teaming against my university to get me back in school– I don’t know what I would do without them. Then I realize that I have an actual dream for my life. My ambitions to go into psychiatry were only magnified when I read Dr. Kay Redfield Jamison’s book because it made me realize that for a mentally ill person to be successful was actually possible. How I got this inspired, I don’t know. Other than that, I actually end up waiting my depressive episodes out. At least, that’s what I’ve learned to do. I know which thoughts are a no-go when it comes to sharing now. Saying the wrong thing can blow my chances of going back to school even if it’s not intended to preclude self-harm.

My last episode about a week ago was really me sitting on the couch crying my eyes out with the cortizol in my blood bright red as I struggled to study for the Calculus final. Well, the grades came in and I passed with a C. I was hoping for a B even though I thought I would get a D, but hey, C’s get degree’s, so I’ll take it. But in reality, the depression came to pass the day after I saw my therapist that week, when I felt like I had gotten it all off my chest. We had made a plan that I would take the class again whether or not I passed to either have a second try to get it to transfer and/or to make sure I have the skills down. That day after, with everything having been let out, I found myself smiling and singing in my car (don’t judge) and I thought to myself, “wow, I feel great.”

I feel like I got out of my episode easy, and that actually has never happened before for an episode that bad. I’m starting to think that I found a medication that worked– this Latuda has been magical for me. According to my doctor, and he approached the med plans in a very scientific manner with me since he knows I’m a STEM major, Latuda has compounds in it that help with mood stabilization, sleep, and anxiety. According to my therapist, sleep and meds are the number one aspects of getting your bipolar shit together. I’m still transitioning, and it’s possible I had a rough transition, but I’m hopeful. It seems like I’m getting into a much better place.

The only thing left is apartment shopping with the parental units so I can hopefully move out of the house (finally) and say goodbye to my 3 hour commute to school (yes please.) Oh geez…

from New Light New Light in my Little Life…

[aeramoure]

Well I forgot I had a Twitter…

Yeah guys, I totally forgot it was there. So I deactivated it, cause if I was actually going to use it I would have done so by now. Sorry for the false hope.

from Well I forgot I had a Twitter…

[aeramoure]

I AM A SURVIVOR

I

Yup, I survived Calc. This means I’ll be back! Yeah guys, sorry for the absence.

In any case, I might as well let you know that I actually always tend to freak out on an 11 on the Richter earthquake scale when it comes to the end of classes. I guess I’m not the only one though. THE PRESSURE THOUGH. Yeah, but still, I always survive. It might as well be part of the anxiety. My doctor has a no benzo policy actually because he believes that coping skills are oh so important and everyone is capable of helping themselves to a certain extent with them. That, I believe (to a really, really certain extent. I ended up with a huge mood dip along the way though. I don’t know if it was a rough transition since I’ve been switched back to Latuda, the class, or both. But things are getting better. AND I HAVE MEDICAL CLEARANCE TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL. HU-RRAY!!! It’s good to see things going well, and I love to support you fellow lovelies when you’re not doing so well. But it’s time I talk a little more about why I started this blog.

Last April, I was banned from my University grounds. I had been unstable for the whole year, had two panic attacks and a couple of suicidal thoughts, which got me kicked out of the dorms in the fall since apparently that makes me a danger to other people. Bullshit, but oh well. The commute was rough since I live two hours away from school and wasn’t even able to drive until the next winter. SO my dad drove me to the metro which took 45 min to an hour and then I took the horrid metro system that everyone in my area absolutely despises the rest of the way. I finished the semester, so it was good enough. But things got worse in the spring. I was actually relying on my friends too much for support, which was my bad, but it didn’t necessarily make me a danger to them. Once in Orgo lab I had a split thought of “why don’t I burn myself with these chemicals?” I quickly caught myself and dismissed the thought as a BAD IDEA.

But I was stupid enough to tell a friend about it, which got me kicked out of the lab and essentially forced me out of the lecture. Then a month later I had a fight with my parents which led me to text a friend “what’s the point in living.” Many of you like me would say that it’s not a suicidal thought, but actually a though that expresses hopelessness. Well, my friend called the police, and they paraded me in handcuffs around the ER until I was admitted to the Psych ward. The options presented by the ER counselor were “go voluntarily, or we’ll take you somewhere that will take you whether you like it or not.” Real difference in choices, right? So I went in voluntarily because I had heard good things about the hospital, and I had been there before.

Fast forward a week later, and I had been banned from attending campus and setting foot on campus grounds until I was not a danger to other people. Where have homicidal thoughts been in this story? Nowhere. So I was forced to take a medical leave. And here I am. I have since been paranoid about not being wanted there, and even not being wanted near anyone anywhere. And here the Dean who was orchestrating this said she wanted to help. MORE BULLSHIT, BITCHES… My doctor was an asshole about it, so I switched to a new one.

I have since gotten better and now have medical clearance to go back. My doctor is just going to wait a bit to write the letter since writing it now wouldn’t be as legit. So, Happy Ending!

But the sad truth is that this happens everywhere. The media has talked about mental illness when school shootings or any shooting pop up only. It’s like the two are eternally linked when the truth is that they’re not. What this means is that Universities and Colleges everywhere are taking steps to “protect” their student bodies from “potential dangers,” hence. the mentally ill. Stories like this happen everywhere, where just because a person has a rough time with their mental illness at school, they are branded as a danger to other students. I had it easy, there are people who have to lawyer up and still don’t get justice. It’s institutionalized discrimination, and it needs to stop. College campuses are not safe places for the mentally ill, plain and simple.

But should that stop us? Never. I plan to fight, and have a future, and a career, going on to grad school and med school, and rubbing my success in this POS Dean’s face. And I encourage you all to do the same.

With love,

Aeramoure.

from I AM A SURVIVOR