Day 358: Saturday December 24, 2022 - “Christmas Eve Fire”
I sat back and relaxed, thinking about the grandness of the scheme. It was Christmas Eve again, and I stretched my legs in front of a fire like I did back on Rialto Beach 11 years ago. Tis the season for Nostalgia. I was blessed with a quiet reflective Christmas Eve this year, at least while William slept. On my own, as Audrie is out fighting winter storms and holiday air-traffic somewhere between me and Milwaukee. I kept returning to the thought “I used to do Christmas Eve’s all the time!” And of course it got me thinking of that cold one in 2012 that sparked me to go “home.” But how the year before that, you were really something out there. And just like that, two separate reflections of a man twisted up in story. About the one, on fire for life, set out in the dark for truly his first Christmas on his own, at 30. Eating Chocolate covered cherries, reading about Living A Great Story to the waves - one of the best fires and nights and Christmas’ of my life. And how that man, much too old to know it all anymore, couldn’t have imagined the life of the other; now smoking a cigar instead of slurping chocolate covered cherries, with Live A Great Story around his wrist, working oh so hard this winter to figure that out. One in the cold ocean darkness, the other in the warm desert in his slippers and in his backyard. One dreaming of a wide open road, the other incredibly grateful for how it all played out, wondering if this is as good as it gets. I imagined these two reflections of my Christmas Eve selves sitting here around the same fire, and what would be shared....
From Present Day Dad Jake 2022 to Aesthetic Cowboy 2011 Jake:
“Yea, the logs here are store bought, but don’t worry - Im ok with that. I earned it, I suppose. Dont need to go collect my own wood anymore, as unadventurous as that might sound to you... I can always say that I did the things I wanted to do, thanks to you...and this is what I want to do now. Turns out, being a Dad is the hardest job of my life, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything....not even to be sitting in your sand. I appreciate these responsibilities, especially on Christmas Eve. Its different challenges, but Audrie was really on it when she said “life rewards all the time” - this juice was definitely worth the squeeze...
“whats that? who is Audrie - ah you caught the pepper in my eye when I brought her up? Yea, she will be your wife, partner, your captain. The best thing that will ever happen for you. Turns out, shes your “For What?” Just keep exploring and adventuring, and build your resume up, and don’t be afraid to break-out and go for it when the opportunities come around. Its the only way you’ll have a shot with a woman like this. Because of you, I have a shot at never having a lonely holiday ever again. See, Im not really alone, like you, this Christmas Eve. While she’s not here, I know she is out there. I always felt you need faith for the same reason its so hard to find. Just knowing every day I get the opportunity to choose her again, gives me the best and only adventure I’ll ever need. To share a life, thats what its all about. Alex taught you that right? (By the way, you give your son Alexander as a middle name for just this exact reason. Wink - I got you man).
“by the way, next year - you wont get a fire out there...and you’ll be frustrated. You’ll throw your lighter into the ocean, just before you realize you’d need that to make dinner. I suppose the anxiety in your bones was settling in, and it wasn’t a calm Christmas for you, and you really struggle with that not going as planned. You’ll be ok. You’ll always be ok. You just need to start telling your self that more. There will be some bummers along the way but it all served a very important purpose; find the blessing in the bummer, and remember that as long as you have a drum in that sea-turtle heart, there is a chance to find what has been so desperately sought. Yes, Im still looking for it, all this time later. And thats ok. Im more comfortable with that now, than ever. That bummer Christmas fire of 2012...its the reason you are where you are today. Its a beautiful story. You’re a good character. Give yourself some credit - you’ve earned it, I suppose. Don’t know how it turns out, that story. Still figuring out the ending. I have some ideas and some experience. I have everything I need, now.
From Aesthetic Cowboy 2011 Jake to Present Day Dad Jake 2022:
“Nice fire with your store bought logs... ;) I cant imagine ever having a fire with store bought logs again now that I am figuring out this ‘life’. But cheers to you, you do you, you look comfy in your slippers. No way they are as comfortable as my ole oppossums here, remember these? Might as well been made of gold - they unlocked a way of being and seeing to you, didnt they?! Remember those days? On Yellow Aster and Oyster Dome, and down in the Grand Canyon? Neat that you settled in Arizona, of all the places - how the hell did that happen?! And a mortgage?! I thought we said we would NEVER do that? Must be a good story to tell in here somewhere...or you forgot about ALL of the Rules. When we talked about your future being behind you, I really didn’t see Tucson in the cards. That desert Red Rock must really be something.
“Hey - did we ever write that book? Aw man - “life got in the way” you say? Wasn’t it always going to be all about life? Tell me about that - lets get into it. 10 years from now - whats good? Whats the meaning of life? What are your intentions? Do you still do those and pay attention? What are your plans? How are you crafting the life of your dreams? Look at me - Im sitting here with a perfect driftwood fire in the salty air next to the Pacific Ocean - it can’t get any better right? Please tell me Im not right. No finish lines, remember. So whats next, Daddio? What will next year write? Ah - nevermind, no don’t tell me, show me instead! This reflection of your self is hopeful. Forgiving. Calm and easier. Do something with it. Find your greatness. Follow Through. Get on fire for life, for you, for Audrie, and for your family. Have a big year. Cast a Vision. You know the way. That old cowboy spark - its still in you. I mean just look how comfortable you are alone on Christmas Eve after all. You’re closer to your best than you’ve been in a long while. You can have both of these reflections. We can share this same space. Dad, Cowboy, Romantic Seeker, Curious, Responsible, Intentional. How about you try to be all these things and see where that takes you next? See what kind of story that writes for itself. you earned it, I suppose!
I didn’t need to look up what was song of the day back then in 2011 - I remembered it well. About being in the belly of the whale and the adventure of having Mother Nature abruptly kick me out of her house on Christmas. There is some credit to be given to waking up cold in a tent on Christmas Morning. It defies the nostalgic marketed comforts of Christmas we’re raised on and live by this time of year. And the hope is that these excursions harden for times when you’ll only have your self to count on. the first step you’ll take out of the belly of the whale, will be in the right direction. Its really no different now as it was then.
Later in the night, William would wake with loud painful mad sad angry crying, as if somehow he did know that today was Christmas Eve and mama wasn’t here. It took a lot of work to stay grounded and skillful. At its height, as I was about to get really frustrated, I opened the spotify on the phone and quickly just played the last song I had searched for “Scott Orr - In The Belly of The Whale” - as it came on, his wailing turned into little wimpers, then to little breathing cries, before deep sleep breathing....before the song was over. “I dont mean to be good, I just mean to be whole” - in the belly of the whale. I kissed his cheek and whispered “Merry Christmas” in his ear and told him his mama and dada love him. I give it all to you.
Song: Teddy Swims - Please Come Home For Christmas
Quote: “Matter and thought are a canvas in which God paints, a painting with tragedy and delivery, with sin and redemption. Life is a dance toward God, I begin to think. And the dance is not so graceful as we might want. While we glide and swing our practiced sway, God crowds our feet, bumps our toes, and scuffs our shoes. So we learn to dance with the One who made us. And it is a difficult dance to learn, because its steps are foreign. I began to think of my time in these terms, as learning to dance in a new way. The first few lessons had me feeling clunky and awkward. But soon they will give way to a kind of graceful sway and I will feel completely content as though there was nothing in life that I was missing out on. And I think to myself, There is nothing that I am missing. I have everything I was supposed to have to experience the magnitude of this story, to dance with God." ~Donald Miller, Through Painted Deserts
prguitarman
gamechangershow
titsay
germansingergirl