growing pains again and again

dreamer | writer | student of life (and classics)

[commonsenseismydumpstat]

Durham uni classics department wishes everyone a very happy Halloween!

[aeternumsomniator]

On descriptions of beauty:

Sume-rian, Assyrian, and Babylonian descriptions of beauty tend to be less coy in their eroticism: “My vulva [is a] wet and well-watered ground … Your right hand you place on my vulva, the left on my hair.”

[aeternumsomniator]

Graduating with a first

[aeternumsomniator]

Angry

I have not written a tumblr post in a while. I haven’t felt the need. I’ve felt too self-conscious. I don’t really use tumblr anymore. I certainly don’t intend to post any more poetry here, so poetry blogs can unfollow.

I’m writing this because I’m angry. I’m angry that I have lived in Britain all my life and have never felt so aware of the fact that I am a five foot something Asian female. Three separate occasions in the last week I have experienced some kind of racist street harassment. The first was some kids who shouted ‘chow mein’ and ‘dog-eater’ at me. The second was a guy who said ‘slanty-eyed shit’, aimed at someone, and whether it was me or not it was offensive. The third was a guy shouting ‘ni hao’ at me. In all the situations I reacted, acknowledged that I was unhappy with what was said. It’s never really enough though, it never makes me feel much better.

Usually it happens maybe once a year. Three times in one week is where it gets to me. I shouldn’t feel so unsafe in broad daylight in the middle of a crowded town centre. I shouldn’t feel so self-conscious and self-aware of my identity. I shouldn’t have to feel like this. I never felt like this until this week, so hopeless and cynical and angry about how I am treated, how I am perceived. It’s frustrating and upsetting.

[aeternumsomniator]

Update to this for myself:

Last Saturday, couple of kids. Boyf has suggested that I record anything that happens so there’s a record, so now if I get worried I get my phone out and his record. There’s the audio of one of them saying ‘chinky’. There’s their faces afterwards. There’s my boyfriend explaining why it’s not okay to say that.

Frustrated and saddened that I have to take such measures as recording things in order to feel safe/heard. Like the recording because I feel empowered from it, however.

[aeternumsomniator]

Angry

I have not written a tumblr post in a while. I haven’t felt the need. I’ve felt too self-conscious. I don’t really use tumblr anymore. I certainly don’t intend to post any more poetry here, so poetry blogs can unfollow.

I’m writing this because I’m angry. I’m angry that I have lived in Britain all my life and have never felt so aware of the fact that I am a five foot something Asian female. Three separate occasions in the last week I have experienced some kind of racist street harassment. The first was some kids who shouted ‘chow mein’ and ‘dog-eater’ at me. The second was a guy who said ‘slanty-eyed shit’, aimed at someone, and whether it was me or not it was offensive. The third was a guy shouting ‘ni hao’ at me. In all the situations I reacted, acknowledged that I was unhappy with what was said. It’s never really enough though, it never makes me feel much better.

Usually it happens maybe once a year. Three times in one week is where it gets to me. I shouldn’t feel so unsafe in broad daylight in the middle of a crowded town centre. I shouldn’t feel so self-conscious and self-aware of my identity. I shouldn’t have to feel like this. I never felt like this until this week, so hopeless and cynical and angry about how I am treated, how I am perceived. It’s frustrating and upsetting.

[aeternumsomniator]

this is the worst depression I have had in a year and a half. I forgot how it felt and I forgot how I survived it. I never called it depression because I wasn't sure and that was too real. I know I can be happy now, and I know this isn't just me being difficult. This is something which is part of me, but not part of me. 

it feels so heavy and so empty. I've been covering it up all day but when I'm alone and the layers and the masks are stripped back, I just want to cry and sink. it’s like my soul hurts. I’m too much in my own head when I’m alone. there are so many thoughts going on. I’m so lost. this is the point where there is nothing to live for and the negativity, the lifelessness, it really drowns me.

I don’t know how to do this, how I’m going to survive. I’ve stopped crying now, but I’m still feeling so..unfeeling. I am emotional, but I’m not. all the emotions are strong, really pulling, really dragging. nothing is subtle. nothing is in moderation. and so here I am again.

[foodffs]

From baking to grilling and dressing to dipping, there are so many delicious ways to use Greek yogurt in the kitchen. That’s why we partnered with , who just released new ranch dressing and dips mixes that are specifically formulated to be made with Greek yogurt.

Whipped Garlic Butter...

[aeternumsomniator]

Awesome and all, but Greek yogurt is actually really bad for the environment. When it’s produced, two-thirds of it is waste in the form of acid. It gets disposed of and is really bad for the environment. So I personally choose to avoid eating Greek yogurt.

[aeternumsomniator]

so... I’m watching eurovision instead of revising.

Conchita Wurst is basically a goddess.

[aeternumsomniator]

I was going to reblog something and rant about how it was wrong but I felt mean and so I’m just going to write a post under a read more.

Conservatives are not evil. If you are poor and you can’t afford to go to university you can take out a student loan. I get enough money that my parents don’t have to fund me at all. University fees (at least in the UK) exist because it isn’t fair for the taxpayer to have to pay for you to go to university as it isn’t compulsory and you will be earning more money afterwards than someone who didn’t go to university. And even if you don’t believe in university fees, Conservatives aren’t evil. As easy as it is to be disenchanted by politics, that doesn’t make an entire group of people evil.

This has been a polite rant of sorts. If you want to disagree, then please do so kindly.

[aeternumsomniator]

I have an exam tomorrow. I really need to do this exam so I feel like I’m in exam mode. I’ve been full of stress for the last few weeks and not feeling very in the zone. I’m all scatter brained and not very good at concentrating otherwise.

[aeternumsomniator]

everything is becoming too much

i am not good enough

i am scared

and tired

just burning out

and so worried every second of the day

my dreams are stressful

i haven’t had a second of peace and calm for the last 2 days

[aeternumsomniator]

so my eyes won’t stay focused of their own accord (sponte in Latin. I wonder what it is in Greek). I guess I should stop studying and sleep.

[teashoesandhair]

My favourite canonical Greek myth is that one where Zeus gets an iPhone. 

My mythology blog is here. It is generally more educational than this. Many apol.

[mnemosius]

Oh sweet lord I just laughed way too hard. 

[npcfury]

THE BEST ONES I’VE SEEN

[earlhamclassics]

Athena and Arachne: hands down, my favorite.

[lavender-cirrus]

Okay but look at the names he has them down for

[teashoesandhair]

I am so confused as to how many notes this has but I feel obliged to do more

[aeternumsomniator]

totes not shuffling across my room as the sun moves

[aeternumsomniator]

finished my essay. one essay, 3 days worth of work. v pleased. now to move on to more important things like revision.

[aeternumsomniator]

when my hipster as fuck quote sticky notes come in helpful:

for figuring out that word on the tip of my tongue

[aeternumsomniator]

after battling this essay all day I finally feel like it’s going to work out. I have an idea of structure and argument and what’s left to do.

success for the “just keep going” way of life which I had previously forgotten how to embrace!