Dear Diary @afansters-life-tracker - Tumblr Blog

My body isn’t where I want it to be again. But this time around I feel like I’ll approach it in a more healthy way bc I don’t find myself disgusting.

I feel like we’re always going to modify our bodies throughout our lives and it’s not gonna stay the same shape or form. Ever. So We have to look at our bodies with an optimistic and kind lens - Not shame ourselves to the point of being obsessed with the western image of a beautiful curvy body. As time goes on, we get what works and what doesn’t work for our own health and body preferences.

My eating and moving habits have been the least of my worries. However now that I kinda have a slight summer mental break, I’m excited to start over with less pressure and anxiety and moving away from wanting approval from everyone else.

Also this is my depression wave and I’m on my period

I met someone who very much aligns with my ideal boyfriend and relationship. He’s meeting my expectations and more and I like that he takes initiative and shows me that he cares. I like that he shows me around and talks about me to his friends. I like that he plans spontaneous dates and adventures. I am so swoon but him and like of course in the beginning I didn’t find him 100% attractive but now I definitely do. Idk why. I’m just excited for the commitment after he asks me out bc I feel like I can really trust him and stuff. I feel like he’s shown me how all in he is and I just love that bc I am like that too. I love how down he is for me and I definitely am for him too. Like I can’t stop thinking about him it’s bad. I feel like crying bc like idk I’m so obsessed with him basically looool. I think I’m making it more than what it is or getting ahead of myself. But I guess that’s the beauty of getting into a potential relationship. I’m not sure what’s holding him back from asking me out but idk I’m trying my best to like do things for him but I don’t think that’s the key. Maybe it’s like planning a surprise date for him. But he also said his love language was physical touch so idk. But anyways if he likes me he likes me and if he doesn’t wanna commit to me that’s fine too. I’ll be sad but it also happens. Glad he’s in sd rn so I have more time to think. I already figured out that I do like him and I figured out that I definitely like him more than Michael bc I don’t even like Michael anymore even tho he keeps hitting me up lol. Kevin’s rly different and I like how patient he is with me. I think I needa see what happens when he gets mad mad and how he comforts me. I already saw how he was when he was annoyed and frustrated about losing his keys but he quickly got better and calmed down and was aware of my efforts in helping him. So I forgive him for his attitude hahaha bc I was giving attitude too. But yeah idk I like being his girl and i like who he is. Is this love idk probs not LOL. If he ever tells me he loves me I’ll probs cry. I def am not gonna say it first this time or ever again for any guy.

afansters-life-tracker

Lonely self discovery journey

- Don’t play the victim card

- remember that you like to do things on your own term and only have to consider yourself and your time and schedule. That’s the big perk of being single

afansters-life-tracker

Remember this as u get back on your feet running to be an independent fun happy hoe

I feel like it’s breakup 2.0 or like Eric Uyehara 2.0 where I’m overthinking and feeling needy or annoying and I feel like Michael isn’t accepting me of who I am and my quirks. Like we r supposed to be talking r but he’s not about it. Idk like just cut me off already idk maybe I’m overthinking and hating myself and putting things into my head making it worse but yeah. Idk I wanted it to work or wanted someone to be my constant rn. I cant get it out of my head that he’d fuck other people and not tell me. But idk u guess that’s trust but yeah I’m stressed bc of finals and been crying for days bc he hasn’t texted me and I feel like a loser and unloved. I’m just like I want my search for love to be over. Like I want my best friend and I want someone to love me unconditionally the way I would too. The one who would be there for me through the hard times and I know mark did that for me but he didn’t meet my needs. And Michael isn’t meeting my needs either so like idk why I won’t just cut him. I don’t want this pain. I want to be happy on my own. I’m so alone and i am being so negative it sucks. I don’t usually like people bc I rarely find people cute and have the right responses to make me feel loved. Jk that’s usual for fuck boys. Idk why I like fuckbois. Is it confidence? Popularity? Knowing what they want? Lack of self love? Maybe that’s why I fall so hard for them. Gotta put my love somewhere and try to get the other person to love me when rly I’m just being pathetic and begging them to reciprocate. I guess it isn’t about looks. I guess it is still about socializing abilities which I rly wanted (someone who can be fun while I’m out) compared to mark.

I don’t think I like him as much as I thought. He’s not a big texter 🚩🚩🚩🚩

He seems comfy with me be being himself but like I’m not fully comfy rn bc I have a crush on him too much. So uh idk how to feel. Gonna just leave it there and linger until either of us has a dick appt tingle

Lonely self discovery journey

- Don’t play the victim card

- remember that you like to do things on your own term and only have to consider yourself and your time and schedule. That’s the big perk of being single

I miss being with him so much but I also am reminded of his negative attitude and being a party pooper and just isn’t as fun and spontaneous as he used to be with me. I love him but like I know that’s not what I want to put up with forever. I’m glad I’m out of the relationship bc it was tiring hiding how I felt about him. And if he wanted to get back with me he should understand where he went wrong and change if. Sometimes u can’t change people though nor expect that. It is what it is. I’m sure I’ll find someone funner and cuter

I still sad about my breakup and I miss being in the relationship and I miss he who shall not be named. Le sigh. Like truthfully I’m really praying there will be someone who is like perfect. Good looking but also thinks the same as me and is smart and knows how to love me but that also isn’t realistic so idk. I’m kinda screwing myself here.

Note epiphany:

Male gaze for sex is about the end result. For women it’s about the experience

If anything, wait until he makes a move. He needs to be the one to say happy birthday or want me back. He needs to think about how he can improve as a partner and want to do that for himself. Exactly why u broke up with him in the first place. Not rly helping that you’re still talking to him on the daily though. Just supporting him through his test. I know that’s stressful from personal experience. I feel like after it’s like do we need to update each other.

TikTok

Mark didn’t know how to love you the way you needed and deserved

You’re better off without him ally.

Smtn that mark probs can’t change is his persistency when it comes to sex like that drive to want to have it he won’t stop for nothing and probs will get mad if he doesn’t get what he wants from me

I feel like I was rly daydreaming and looking to the past with my past relationships as if that was much better

Attending scu changed my perspective. Usf would have been different but scu is like immediate adult. Usf was like independence and self discovery but also v lonely idk.

I miss mark again and now I’m crying rly hard bc I feel like I rly can’t picture anyone else to be in my life like that besides him idk

He’s grumpy af but also look at my mom she’s grumpy af and unreasonable and even tho I reacted to her like crazy I feel like with mark I can work smtn out. Like we can be better together

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