procidensdraco:
Too caught up in his own shit, it took Draco a moment to realise he’d sent Seamus crashing to the floor. He looked at him, slightly stunned, head ringing with the last words he’d spoken–or shouted. Why did his anger always have to get the better of him? Except it wasn’t anger. It was terror, and he knew the answer in an instant. The Dark Lord had broken him. Now he was weak, barely able to gather his thoughts let alone hold his tongue. Draco never used to doubt himself. Now he doubted everything.
Seamus was speaking, but the words washed over Draco. He could hardly remember what they were talking about. Whatever it was, it wasn’t what Draco intended and it was messing everything up. This was a mistake. He should have never come here. But he didn’t have a time turner, and even if he did, they didn’t work like that. They didn’t give you time back. He hadn’t meant to threaten Seamus with death or raise his voice or hurt him. But this wasn’t all Draco’s fault. Seamus wasn’t supposed to believe him. Turned out he was just like all the others; of course he believed Draco was a killer.
Merlin, he hoped he’d never have to say this, least of all to a Gryffindor.
“Sorry,” he mumbled, shoving his hands into his pockets where they could do no more harm. “I’m…” He sighed, already removing one of his hands and rubbing it over his face. His words were in the wrong order, all mixed up in his head, partly from lack of practice and partly because he had meant to say more. I’m freaking out. I’m branded for life and I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. Better he just shut up before Seamus humiliate him further. Draco didn’t trust himself not to do something monumentally stupid. He did, in fact, want a friend. But was Seamus offering?
If so, it was proof he didn’t understand anything about Draco’s situation. He had been wretched before taking the Mark, now he was a fully-fledged Death Eater. He may not have cast the killing curse yet, but it was only a matter of time. He had already used two of the Unforgiveables. The old Ministry never stood for those spells. The theory was there was no coming back from them. So how exactly was Draco to believe that Seamus Finnigan would ever contemplate friendship between them?
“We have a detention to cover. Tomorrow morning. That’s what I came here to tell you.” A lie, and there were no younger students scheduled for the following morning. Draco would just have to find some, but that wouldn’t be too hard. “If you’re not up for it, pass the message to Patil. Same place as last time.”
Seamus wanted, almost, let out a well over Draco’s apology. It was unexpected and startling, and Seamus had to stop and stare at him a moment--a little befuddled that it had occurred and maybe thinking it was just something his brain had made up. For a moment. For an instant. Something like an offer of humanity--except neither Seamus nor Draco were full of that anymore.
“I’m always up for it. I make myself up for it.” Seamus declared, still staring. But that was true, too. He could make himself a little nicer for younger kids, a little more human. That was important, wasn’t it? More so then this fight. More so then all the fights Seamus couldn’t stop himself from picking.
“Look,” He gave a bit of a huff, pulling one leg up to his chest and leaning his chin on his knee. “I stick around here after because I’m not really up for...y’know... everything.”
It was the closest Seamus could do to admitting some form of vulnerability. “So after, you know, the...whatever. I’m not my naturally charming and good-natured self.” He muscled up a grin, though it was a little stunted--the winked. He could always wink. “So if you want to argue--yeah, totally come visit again. Here. And all. Whatever. But if you want to remind me...” And Seamus wasn’t entirely sure that was the real reason, “And not be, like, hey lets see who is more emotionally stunted--Don’t be an idiot, we totally are--or whatever. . Just wait until I’m leaving.”
He shrugged, “In here the world is awful.”
And then he made himself slide back off the countertop. “But not as awful as the fact that i’m certain I’ll never see you in a choker.” Because nothing could end on something so serious. Seamus drew a line around his neck. “Totally cool muggle fashion, its a necklace that circles the neck.”
For women, he didn’t add. Because of course he didn’t.
