I think about this a lot but it’s kind of sickening and frustrating and sad that we have no fucking idea what repulsion is
I’m talking both/either romance and sex repulsion here, as a person that experiences both. in the aspec community, we’ve identified that many of us are repulsed by similar things, with similar symptoms. we’ve given it a name, developed coping mechanisms and avoidance techniques, created support systems for each other, and so on and so forth. that’s great! that’s a wonderful first step on the way to healing, realization and identification.
but the thing is, we don’t know so much. a mental illness is defined as something that negatively affects a person’s thinking and feeling and functioning each day. that certainly describes repulsion for many of us. so is repulsion classified as a mental illness? possibly. but it’s not like we know for sure, and I got that definition off the preview of the first google link. most of us are scattered blogs on tumblr with no professional psychological or medical training trying to make sense of our odd experiences.
there are some things we do know. we know being aspec isn’t a mental illness, it’s a minority orientation. repulsion isn’t caused by being aspec since many aspec people are romance or sex favorable, and some allo people are repulsed, but there is a definite correlation. repulsion can be a trigger from trauma or very negative experiences, or caused by nothing. it’s an identified phenomenon for many people that experience it with the same causes and similar symptoms.
but there are so many things we don’t know about it! if it’s a mental illness, why do some people develop it as children or older adults, with very little or quite a lot of experience with it already? why can it get stronger or weaker after realizing you’re aspec? why is it mostly for aspec people? why is it not universal among aspec people? can it be predicted and stopped? why do symptoms, causes, and strength vary between repulsions for people that experience both? why do some people have repulsion to some acts/images and not others? why do symptoms vary? how does it vary with culture, upbringing, nationality, ethnicity, etc.? why are some of us repulsed by things not inherently romantic/sexual but associate them with it anyway? is it a sickness, an inherent individual defect, psychological damage? is it a side effect of mental illness? can it operate independently of other mental illnesses or does it get weaker as a person mentally heals? can it be treated? should it be treated?
if I wanted to go to a therapist and get help for this, to try and function in situations where I currently cannot (first assuming I am not pathologized for my orientation and treated for that), would it be treated as a trauma trigger or simply a strong harmless dislike? are those the only frames of reference for this, a useless dichotomy? speaking for myself, I know what strong sensory dislike is, and I deal with it everyday and have been applying those coping mechanisms to my repulsion, but the latter is too strong for it to be effective! and I have experienced no trauma, so how could I have a trigger, especially since my repulsion doesn’t remind me of anything? it’s just an overwhelming wash of nausea and negative emotions with a heaping dose of self-loathing because no normal person is supposed to feel so horrible because of a typical human activity. people are so quick to throw out “that sounds serious. you should seek help,” and this is certainly true if your repulsion has a definite cause, but for those of us for which that does not apply, it’s effectively impossible.
if I tell a therapist that when I was 10 I saw a disney princess and prince kiss, chaste and fanciful, and turned away, hunching my shoulders, and told myself I was too immature to understand. if I tell a therapist a week ago when my friend showed a group a tasteful nude art study she did in her sketchbook, nonsexual and really good, I hid behind a friend’s shoulders to block my view and so she wouldn’t see how sick I looked instead of complimenting her art. what in the world is that therapist going to say. with no cause, strong symptoms, and no widespread medical precedent, how could it not be very misconstrued?
it’s goddamn ridiculous!! we need actual scientific studies on this subject to determine what exactly repulsion is and how best to deal with it. but we have nothing, and we will have nothing for a very long time to come unless we do it our own-fucking-selves. I hate it. I hate that I will live with this and whatever else is going on in my hell brain for years, if not the rest of my life. I hate that it’s my comfort or someone else’s in situations like gay pda (because I’m certainly not the homophobic asshole that’s going to tell them to stop expressing their love). I hate that I’m not understood or believed except by a precious few because it’s inconceivable to most that I don’t like these “universal” human things. I hate that this makes me so bitter and so unable to enjoy things. maybe it is a mental illness, with the way it affects my life and so many others. where the hell are my happy pills, then?
annaxmalina
turnnoffyourmind
baratheonpilled
yousharknotpass
