Brain Dump on Permission to Come Home
There’s a chapter titled Permission to Take up Space. That one really hit home. It really forced me to think about this topic that I never really thought too much about before. How, in general, Asians and particularly Asian women, we have this avoidance to take up space. I think part of it comes from the fact that in many Asian cultures, being humble, keeping your head down, going with the flow, not making a ruckus, has been a survival tactic for a lot of immigrant parents. And just culturally, being humble, keeping your head down and working hard, is praised! Add on the fact that Asian women we're praised when we are obedient, when we're docile, agreeable and easygoing. We were criticized as girls, scolded and chastised if we dared talk back or if we were not acting “appropriately” in accordance to others. It makes a lot of sense why I always struggled with taking up space. I think part of it also comes from a place of fear that if I take up too much space, I am going to upset somebody and they're not going to like me anymore. This contributes to me always trying to be super accommodating and having a lot of anxiety when I feel like I’ve failed at that.
Growing up, I was always encouraged by my Chinese family to not take up space. Ironically, that was in direct conflict with the Western values I also grew up around. Because in American/western society, speaking up, taking leadership - these are things that are praised. Obviously, that changes depending on certain identities one holds, such as race, gender, class, ability etc. But for the most part, these things are cheered on I guess. My feelings around this topic of taking up space are complicated. On one hand, I can recognize and acknowledge and be thankful for all the ways not taking up space has protected me. Like I mentioned, it's good for survival. It’s helped me to survive in this crazy, crazy world. Especially in dynamics or settings where there is an imbalance in power, where I'm in a position of less power. Also, there are times when I actually feel good about not taking up space. Especially when that means I am allowing someone else to have that space. Someone who has historically been marginalized and not allowed to take up space. Those are times when I genuinely do enjoy stepping back and taking up less space, so that someone else who I feel deserves it can take up that space, if that makes any sense.
At the same time, I do have to acknowledge that my avoidance of taking up space has detriments in the sense of where because I've become so unaccustomed to taking up space, the act of taking up space becomes so, so difficult for me. It causes me so much anxiety, so much fear, so many difficult emotions. It's made it so that it's so hard for me to take up space now because it just feels so unnatural. And that's a detriment when it comes to relationships, friendships, and professional life. People can sense that and take advantage. And because I don’t take up space, because I don’t speak up, I just let things sit and stew inside me, which...just leads to a lot of passive aggressiveness.