BEN BYRD

𝐋𝐈𝐊𝐄 𝐀 𝐖𝐇𝐄𝐄𝐋 𝐈𝐍𝐒𝐈𝐃𝐄 𝐀 𝑾𝑯𝑬𝑬𝑳

[againstsquares]

            AND    S  O  M  E  T  I  M  E  S    I   AM  A  FUCKING  APARTMENT  BUILDING  –  SO  MANY  ROOMS  SO  MANY  KITCHENS,  EVERYONE  IN  THEM .  SQUARES  AGAINST  SQUARES  AGAINST  SQUARES.  I  LOOK  OUTSIDE  MY  WINDOW  AND  I  SWEAR  THE  WORLD  IS  G  O  N  E  !                  

      [    …    ]          independent  &  original  character  by  the  name  of  BEN  BYRD *.                    written  by  liene,  26  y/o,  any  pronouns.                       carrd.    –    pinterest.     

     * ben byrd is a twenty something new yorker trying to live with the fact that he killed his abuser as a teen. now he’s attempting to finish college, works at comic land and endlessly rides the subway in his spare time, listening to his discman .

[againstsquares]

my sisters and friends threw a bachelors party for me yesterday 🥺 and we did weird karaoke on a boat

i was so epic 😭 dance dance dance

[againstsquares]

pffff i want to write some more :( but immm TIRED so im going to go to sleep

[handspike]

it's  the  kind  of  talk  that  makes  her  eyes  bleary  -  after  work,  she  can  focus  all  her  energy  on  it,  and  bleed  and  bleed  all  these  thoughts  out.  but  she's  bleeding  friends  left  and  right.  “yeah,”  that's  what  happens  when  you're  sick,  that's  what  happens  when  something  is  wrong  with  you,  “all  the  fucking  time,”  her  voice  doesn't  break.  it's  a  bit  more  rehearsed.  but  it  shines  in  her  eyes.  “they  say  it's  a  revolving  door,”  she's  spinning  and  spinning,  “people  go  in  and  out.  for  me,  it's  more  like  a  party.  and  everyone's  already  gone  home."

she  serves  herself  a  glass.  oh,  well.  nobody's  here  to  judge  her.  the  bar  is  empty,  but  the  lights  are  still  on.

[againstsquares]

" that's right. " this woman gets it. " and you're the one getting left behind. " kind of like tonight, he muses.

" some guy used to say to me it's like a bus. people hopping on and off. but i don't like that metaphor. it's like … why are you the only one never getting out of the bus? why are you the only one who's ridin' it all the way to the end stop? i mean you could get out and change rides, but like –– it's not a great one. " now his eyes are scanning the shelves behind her. he empties his glass, subtly puts it back on the bar. no pressure. " – i mean he was a high school grief counselor, i bet that metaphor served him well through his career. "

[ohisms]

✱ ˚｡⋆ ↪ 1-800 ( HIT MY LINE ) ... ( a collection of texting prompts, part two. adjust phrasing as necessary, mature themes present. )

[ TXT ] :   you could just say you're sorry.

[ TXT ] :   this doesn't mean i forgive you.

[ TXT ] :   be outside in two minutes or you're dead,  i mean it.

[ TXT ] :   the least you could do is let me know you're okay.

[ TXT ] :   you start your day at 2pm?

[ TXT ] :   i think i lost my  [ ITEM ].  is it there?

[ TXT ] :   where are you?  nobody's heard from you.

[ TXT ] :   pick up.  pick up.  pick up.

[ TXT ] :   what if i said i'm outside?

[ TXT ] :   keep me posted.

[ TXT ] :   i want to kiss you so bad it hurts.

[ TXT ] :   send me your location.

[ TXT ] :   i hope this is some sort of emergency.

[ TXT ] :   i woke up and you were gone.

[ TXT ] :   they know.  i don't know how,  but they know.

[ TXT ] :   don't come home yet. i'll explain later.

[ TXT ] :   don't say i didn't warn you.

[ TXT ] :   i can't tell if you're mad at me...

[ TXT ] :   just trust me,  ok?

[ TXT ] :   [ IMAGE DELIVERED ]  you left this behind.

[ TXT ] :   are we still on for tonight?

[ TXT ] :   i want you to admit what you did.

[ TXT ] :   did you just hang up on me?

[ TXT ] :   are we ever going to talk about this?

[ TXT ] :   this is bigger than both of us now.

[ TXT ] :   i'm still waiting.

[ TXT ] :   what are you doing tomorrow night?

[ TXT ] :   fine,  i'll do it myself.

[ TXT ] :   you're still my emergency contact.

[ TXT ] :   stop,  you're making me blush.

[ TXT ] :   i lied earlier.  i'm not fine.

[ TXT ] :   [ MEDIA ]  ...  delete this after you look.

[ TXT ] :   i'm not joking.

[ TXT ] :   what happened to "never again"?

[ TXT ] :   i just want to make sure you know you're not alone.

[ TXT ] :   i don't know who else to call.

[ TXT ] :   can't stop thinking about you.

[ TXT ] :   you couldn't have told me this in person??

[ TXT ] :   i can't wait to see you again.

[ TXT ] :   did i do something wrong?

[ TXT ] :   i can't help you if you don't let me.

[ TXT ] :   i have ... sort of a favor to ask.

[ TXT ] :   i'm grabbing food, want me to pick you up?

[ TXT ] :   you looked at me different tonight.

[ TXT ] :   i don't want to be alone right now.

[ TXT ] :   i can't believe you'd actually say that.

[ TXT ] :   don't worry,  i handled it.

[ TXT ] :   i didn't think this through.

[ TXT ] :   give me a straight answer.

[ TXT ] :   if you go to the cops,  so will i.

[ TXT ] :   someone's feeling bold today.

[ TXT ] :   were you ever going to tell me?

[ TXT ] :   i shouldn't have said that.

[ TXT ] :   we kind of have a situation...

[ TXT ] :   i keep re-reading our old messages.

[ TXT ] :   like,  a BODY-body??

[ TXT ] :   you should hate me right now.

[ TXT ] :   i didn't plan for this,  either.

[ TXT ] :   i know you're reading these.

[ TXT ] :   have you been taking care of yourself?

[ TXT ] :   it's getting really bad again.

[ TXT ] :   [ IMAGE DELIVERED ]  am i doing this right...?

[ TXT ] :   i'm coming over whether you want me to or not.

[ TXT ] :   i need you to delete our texts.

[ TXT ] :   were you at  [ LOCATION ]  yesterday?

[ TXT ] :   you got anywhere to be later?

[ TXT ] :   i know it's 3am but i need to hear your voice.

[ TXT ] :   are you having fun?

[ TXT ] :   i'm on my way,  don't go anywhere.

[ TXT ] :   it's been awhile,  we should meet up somewhere.

[ TXT ] :   oh my god,  are you bailing again?

[ TXT ] :   [ LINK ]  ...  this reminded me of you.

[ TXT ] :   so that's it?  we're just...  done?

[ TXT ] :   wear the  [ ITEM ]  i got you tonight.

[ TXT ] :   you looked at me different tonight.

[ TXT ] :   bring a jacket,  it's freezing.

[ TXT ] :   your secret is safe with me.

[ TXT ] :   this wasn't meant for you. forget you saw that.

[ TXT ] :   do i need to come over?

[ TXT ] :   stop,  you're making me blush.

[ TXT ] :   you're running out of time.

[ TXT ] :   don't bother making excuses.

[ TXT ] :   i see you typing...

[ TXT ] :   i don't think i caught your name.

[ TXT ] :   they know.  i don't know how,  but they know.

[ TXT ] :   i wouldn't ask if it wasn't important.

[ TXT ] :   you snore,  by the way.

[ TXT ] :   show me what you're working on.

[ TXT ] :   call me right now,  it's an emergency.

[ TXT ] :   if i tell you something,  promise you won't freak out.

[ TXT ] :   i thought you were dead.

[ TXT ] :   this is all a big mistake.

[ TXT ] :   movie's showing tonight at 9,  are you in?

[ TXT ] :   [ IMAGE DELIVERED ]  ...  miss this yet?

[ TXT ] :   you don't have to be such an asshole.

[ TXT ] :   you know what you're doing to me.

[ TXT ] :   i just heard what happened... are you okay?

[ TXT ] :   you owe me one.

[ TXT ] :   i miss you so much.

[ TXT ] :   can you send me the photos from last night?

[ TXT ] :   [ LINK ]  ...  have you seen this???  [ NAME ]??

[ TXT ] :   you looked beautiful last night.

[ TXT ] :   can i see that beautiful face?

[ TXT ] :   i kept your stuff. in case you ever wanted it back.

[ TXT ] :   sorry,  i'm running late.

[ TXT ] :   i'm not supposed to be talking to you.

[ TXT ] :   you can't ignore me forever.

[ TXT ] :   [ LINK ]  ...  don't freak out.

[ TXT ] :   i think my phone is tapped.

[ TXT ] :   hold on,  i'm in the middle of something.

[ TXT ] :   just checking to see if you've blocked me...

[ TXT ] :   you can't tell anyone about this.

[xanaxfarts]

Deftones: Around the Fur (1997)

[morb1dgrl-a]

@againstsquares asked: ❝ actually we've met before. ❞

❝ perhaps at the comic book store ? ❞she was racking her brain trying to remember. she had the world's worst memory, especially with faces and people. tell her you met her she'd say when. she briefly recalled a trip she took and visited a comic book store, and he did look familiar.

❝ i sort of remember. i bought the crow comic when visiting your town, i think. ❞she didn't know where else she could've met him besides that, she was kind of a shut in so she rarely went out into the wild and got herself stuff she needed or wanted. it must've been a rare treat for herself.

❝ ben, right ? you're the guy who sold it to me. ❞

[againstsquares]

" yes, that's right. the crow huh? i remember, it's a great pick. " ben swung his bag on his back and held out his hand for her to shake.

" ben byrd. " even though she knew his name, he only recognized her face but to buy the crow made perfect sense for someone with a gothy look like that. " how are you liking it? it's good, right? dark in the best way, in my opinion. "

[againstsquares]

❛   abrupt .   kiss  my  muse  out  of  the  blue .

@childactress one hand around a bottle of liquor, the other at her neck: the silver B on its chain's been thumping against her skin for hours, catching every bright light it could as mara moved through the night. she danced her body well into exhaustion, she pushed through the crowd again and again, chasing the thrill of the party in all its frenzy. she caught her breath in the hallway with ben and danny, leant against the wall lost in dizzy laughter; eventually, she excused herself (she loves ben to death, and likes danny okay, but there's only so much overlapped chatter between them she can stand when she's this drunk). now, her eyes strain into someone's liquor cabinet. she's trying to be helpful, trying to remember what ben'd been drinking. something with rum, she thinks, or whiskey? she lifts her head hoping to catch his eyes in the crowd, no luck. she doesn't know where he is, then suddenly she doesn't know where he's come from. he's at her side and on her lips; it happens fast in a red-hot whirlwind, and when mara pulls away she sees that she's grabbed onto his shirt collar to keep him close. "i'd fuckin' kill for you, you know that?"

this is the best night ever, ben can't remember the last time the company at a party was this good. who knows what time it is? it's just talking talking talking, dancing, staring, looking for danny, looking for mara, no where was mara? fuck, he missed her.

abandoning the hallway he's opening doors. behind every door there's a different couple making out, rude. then it's unmistakably her, not behind a door, just behind some other people. something with a magnet and a fridge door, he wants to feel her everywhere. ' you know that? ' yes, he nods. she would. " me too. " this could barely be called talking and he would never admit to how close it is to a moan, but yes, fuck, he wouldn't even think twice (WHAT DOES THAT MAKE HIM?). he keeps kissing her, kind of hard, one hand on the wall to steady himself, no– don't fall down. " i lost you, " he mumbles against her lips.

[againstsquares]

listening to bens angst playlist on public transport just to feel smth

[againstsquares]

Comic Land is DEFINITELY bens safe space. he's been coming there since he's about twelve years old, taking a detour on the walk home from school to longingly stare through the window, never lingering too long to avoid getting in trouble for getting home too late. when he's an older teen he spends as much time as he can there (figuring that he'll get in trouble anyways), leafing through comics. the owner is a very cool middle aged woman named tammy and lets him read even though he hardly ever has money to spend on buying an actual comic. through high school he keeps coming and actually starts talking to tammy. tammy def. notices that he's Troubled, but they mainly talk about comics and keep it on the surface. one day when he's about to start college and he vaguely mentions he has to start looking for a job and tammy immediately says that she's been looking for someone to help her out. so he works there basically from age 17-26. he mostly works alone, sometimes together with tammy. it's a quiet store and he's able to do school work if he has to. he just loves talking to tammy and to the regular customers and always is happy to do recommendations or help out with the collection.

idk he changes jobs and becomes a high school counselor when he's 27 but he always regrets not staying there? he still fills in from time to time when tammy asks him to or helps out in the weekends.

[childactress]

@againstsquares

they're just having a coffee in the sun outside on the porch. ben's skin is getting tanned, his hand is getting used to holding another hand. this will be the second summer break he'll be spending mainly in los angeles, staying over at mara's. usually he fills in for matty in the comic store and keeps himself busy. it's nice to be able to spend more time with mara. different than her having to wait on him in his apartment in new york until he gets home from work. different than the rushed weekends, or the longing texts and phone calls. it's all just waking up together, and just thinking of whatever to do that day. and then doing that thing. weird. ' me too. ' he draws circles with his thumb on the back of her hand. what does saying that out loud mean? he doesn't want to move here, does he? he needs to stay in new york, cause heather lives there and danny and the school is there and the store. still he says me too. because he hates it too, and he loves being here everyday. more than he would love for her to be in new york everyday. whatever that means, why does he feel guilty thinking about it like that? ' i keep thinking about how things are gonna be after break and i can't think about it for too long, y'know. '

there's her in — it springs off her tongue the first breath it gets, this worn down plea of sparkling eyes and rosy lips. ❝ well... ❞ she starts, and she makes herself laugh a little at the very sound of it. they can both finish the sentence from there, and the argument, if they had to.

yeah, it's been weird, in the most stomach-turningly romantic way. she's been greedy, too, stuck to him and their summer sweat. every scene's set so fully, every frame fraying at the edges with its warmth. ben happily stranded inside her life, looking at home in the eye of her hurricane, he makes it impossible to not want more from him.

❝ we got schools here, y'know. ❞ but she lets her point die there, picking up her iced coffee for a sip with her free hand. she could plead her case all day — the prosecutor brings into evidence dozens of plane tickets, a litany of late night voicemails ( some apologetic, mostly not ), the knot of dread in her stomach as she feels july melt closer to an end — but so could he. something about having a life in new york? a career? mara wouldn't know. she pivots: ❝ what're you gonna tell your kids when they ask how your summer was? ❞

[againstsquares]

" yeah, true …" he pulls up his knee . rests his head on it and gives her a quiet glance . he can't imagine it . maybe that's all there is to this . he can't imagine letting go of his place, letting go of everything he never thought he would get, even if spending the rest of his life (always so definite) in l.a. with mara theoretically would surpass all and any dream he ever used to have. " i'm going to show them the picture you took of me next to the hollywood sign and they're going to be so impressed. " a stupid grin , because that particular trip was not at all representative of most of their activities. this summer ben had felt more space and there was nothing else to focus on than her and them and had been seeking each other out as if it would be the last time they would ever see each other.

" most of them have never even left the neighborhood before, " he goes on. " y'know if i take the bus to work instead of the f train i pass by my old school. it's still so close to my house, even though i remember i used to believe if i ever got the chance i would move to the other end of the country. " the edge is getting closer and closer and he wish he could see more clearly, but it's getting foggier by the minute.

[childactress-a]

againstsquares·:

         he raises his eyebrows watches her smoke. an actress? it doesn’t surprises him, but she must be a successful one,     own a townhouse in tribeca…            ben doesn’t think he ever heard someone talk about their home in a way like that. from l.a., townhouse in tribeca. she seems his age, he doesn’t know anyone who owns any house.         it makes him make a half-suppressed snicker into his beer    (   because he likes ridiculousness apparently   ) . 

  “    are you now??    ”         he  leans his chin into his hand.  behind them he can hear a group of people laugh, behind her he can see a guy chugging his glass of whatever it is, it’s green.      “  and what kind of role are you picking up here then? anything promising?  ”          

she matches his little display of amusement,     even if she doesn’t quite understand it     —     he’s cute either way.          her lips curve against the edge of her cigarette,     then she reaches to tap out the ash.          it comes sprinkling down,     barely landing on the tray and joining the dusty collection there.          she doesn’t watch it,     though.          she couldn’t look away from ben if she tried.

❝     sort of,     ❞          mara replies,     and even in his state of intoxication it’d be hard for him to miss the pride that’s gleaming in her eyes.          ❝     i’m recording narration for a documentary on my parents.     ❞          that usually helps people make the connection,     dropping the word parents in there,     but she can’t spare the patience this time.          ❝     arthur and donna banks,     also actors.          were actors,     anyway.          now it’s just me left to carry on the legacy.          and i think i’m doing a damn fine job at it,     thanks.     ❞

[againstsquares]

              the smile drops. he has heard of them, sure. more so because of the tragedy surrounding their names than actively watching anything starring them.    he remembers the papers, remembers never really thinking about it until now. this explains the town house for sure.      there lie more questions on his tongue concerning the documentary, like what’s that like? it must be kind of fucked up and scary and personal to work on a project like that. 

        “ must be a pretty interesting job for you .  ”    even though he doesn’t know her, there’s the tiniest layer of concern in his voice. cue the picking up of the beer mat and shredding it to pieces.  he can feel her observing him. he doesn’t want to say anything that would stop that, even though it makes his heart race like hell.       “ what is it like? i mean, – what will the documentary be like? d’you approve of it? – i mean maybe it’s a stupid question because you agreed to do it, but i can imagine it …  ”      he takes a drag.   “ … it must be kind of hard. ”

@childactress

[againstsquares]

i feel like my english writing used to be so much better :( but i have been focusing on reading and writing in dutch for the last couple of years so i guess thats the price i have to pay ieeeeee

[againstsquares]

i am cleaning out my drafts … WHY are there drafts that are basically finished but i've never posted.

u guys i might just post them :P feeling silly :)

[againstsquares]

i hate audio editing i hate it i hate it i hate it

[childactress]

❝ baby, there are no rules. literally none. ask me how i know. i mean, sure, i've broken, like, laws or whatever, but that's not real. none of it's real. i'm not losing any sleep at night because i don't follow social norms to the letter. you can do whatever you want. heather can do whatever she wants! ❞

[againstsquares]

" okay, great! i want to keep calling and texting her until she answers me. and i won't involve you in this decision because you're diffusing my spark of free will. "

[childactress]

sniffles because mara and ben literally make each other better people. and by accident! sometimes mara needs to stop and ground herself and look at what's around her and think about what she really loves in life, what's not superficial and what's real and invaluable and what she needs to be present for. sometimes ben needs to stop overthinking and get out of his head and do nothing except laugh about bullshit and picture a future full of fun and love and color and newness and then chase it. they are BOTH a little crazy and they find a perfect medium. and that is everything