I’ll always be just so inviting @ageofaquarius130 - Tumblr Blog

Im always like "i will not add my two cents. i will not add my two cents" but i cant lie the pennies are getting sweaty in my hand

god it’s so gross that this is my july like don’t i have more important things to worry about lmfao

ugh like goddamnit dude bog mummies yk. god.

i need to like. assume no one likes me lmao

i’m embarrassed and humiliated

#just another day in paradise

God i NEEEEEEED to just like. buy a house upstate and raise cats in complete seclusion.

#tucker carlson voice That’s the rule That’s the GOAL now

god i am just so fucked up arent i

#time to mummify!!!!

i need to dare to believe i can meet someone in looking for

vs

i need to let things unfold

maybe a rotating door of situationships is fine. there could be worse fates than having multiple men occasionally dote on me

#i’ll continue to be celli though

yesterday when i was laying in bed and turned out the light i started thinking about how much i missed and will miss charmy hopping up on my bed and cuddling with my legs or my lower back (my favorite) and then all of a sudden my stuffed pikachu i always cuddle with fell onto my legs. scared the shit out of me but I could feel the love.

postcard-from-the-past

Road scene in Lima, Peru

Peruvian vintage postcard

this is going to sound weird. because this is the very thing im clinging to for comfort during this whole thing. so i dont want anyone to stop. but

it’s strange to see people compliment me for taking care and adopting a cat already diagnosed with FIV. like it was hard? or something. he was so easy to love. it was the easiest thing i’ve ever done.

going through his death is earth and spirit shattering. but if it had to happen im glad i was able to give him the life i did. we’ll always be best friends. even if its through the veil.

#i was journaling my feelings and a lot of them were familiar to my feelings about the end of my relationship #as i suspected the breakup was its own grief. but im finally understanding the boundaries of where its different #the ‘i wish we had more time’ feelings were similar but taste different. i wish we had more time because i wish you didn’t do what you did #(leaves me depleted of love and affection). i wish we had more time because we loved each other and you got cancer is love still abounding #im filled to the brim with it and it will have no where to go #i’ll find somewhere to channel it. but im also understanding now why it was so hard to deal with the breakup. it left me so depleted #i had nothing to channel into something productive or beautiful or anything. it just kept deplering me the more i kept feeling.#the answer was love. i needed to love something. love helped me and replenished me. a little goateed cat did that

i was talking to (idk what to call him. let’s call him G for now) and he’s in therapy. i realized we’re on opposite ends of the spectrum in terms of how we handle life’s uncontrollable events. Me, i think im god. (aquarius). when something uncontrollable happens, i think, surely i was the one who caused this and did something wrong. He (pisces) passes the buck on these problems. He needs the reminder that he is in control of certain actions, and he needs to take them.

idk if we really understand each other on this yet. given our instincts to solve problems are polar opposite. but it’s interesting to think about.

#the healing versions of us are at odds #but our triggered versions may help each other #oof

ageofaquarius130

im no longer mad at god for that which i cannot control. im grateful he let me experience any joy

ageofaquarius130

moreover, i feel like i now understand the difference between that which is an act of god which no one can control and something perfectly within our control. my cat getting cancer no one could control. my ex cheating on me? perfectly within his control. i always knew this, obviously. but it’s being cemented into me in a way i wasn’t exactly prepared for, but needed to know.

my cat knew i went to bed with extreme anxiety about waking up. because i knew waking up and remembering everything was going to crash down on me. so he woke me up this morning. he hasn’t done that in weeks. but he did that today.

im journaling all the things i love about him (endless) i never got a video of his little stretch and upside down maneuver. its my favorite thing he does. i hope i get a chance to get it on video. if i dont ill never forget it anyway.

he’s upside down about it. i’d say

i’ll always be a cat mom. his mom. even when he’s gone. i loved it. i experienced it. it was the fucking joy of my life and something i was absolutely meant to do. the same way his passing was out of my control, his presence in my life was too. he was always supposed to be my cat. i knew it from the moment i saw his little white hairs amidst his black fur.

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I’ll always be just so inviting