You want to know what goes on in my head? I think about memories and why I canāt remember details of my own life. I only remember shards. I only remember fragments. I remember one Halloween when I was really tiny, I was at a Walmart and my mother put on a scary mask to freak me out, I flicked her off and that Halloween I spent it inside of a dark room. It felt like an eternity, but it was probably only for a night. How can a kid be so vulgar? You learn from your parents the most, monkey see, monkey do, right? I remember smoking my first blunt behind a friendās backyard around the age of 14, I woke up as a 23 year old on my bed. The longest high of my fucking life. Iāve been sober for roughly a month, give or take. I still donāt remember a thing. You know something funny? I do remember everything pertaining to love though. I remember every detail of the who and the when. Who is the person Iāve come to love and there has been many. When is the time I couldnāt get enough but decided it was time to just let things go. I remember the way she kicked the back of my seat and said, I miss you, can we be friends again? I never cold shouldered anyone because I was never one to say no. Iāve made a Mount McKinley out of me. I have lost myself in words, but the words canāt give you the right apologies, they just give you another means to tryā so Iāve been trying to apologize even if being forgiven was already on my plateā I have a hunger for saying Iām sorry. I remember getting my first job and thinking I was better than the Chinese people because they didnāt speak English. The lady asked me, then why are you working here? She changed me forever in many ways than one. She told me she came to America because she wants a better life for her children. Arrogance left my veins when she said she saw me as a son, a mother Iāll never have, but surely one Iāve won. I may be arrogant, but I do work hard. I guess I have that running in my veins, for all of my anger, Iāve learned to put it to good use. But Iām not perfect. I like to do drugs. Lots of it. We are flawed people after all, might as well play the role well. So you donāt learn anything about society because it has never taught you to be more than a happy sheep we were bred for, in many ways, Iāve been howling. Iām waiting for the wolf within me to eat my wool, Iām waiting for my heart and soulā somewhere inside of me, one day, Iāll learn to be made from gold. You want to know what goes on inside of my head? How she looks at me and tells me, is this all you want out of life? Is this it? You want to stay here forever? Darling, Iām not privileged. The only thing Iāve got made from money are the thoughts in my head, Iāll be writing books about you, Iāll be writing songs about you. One day, Iāll have you as a cover up of when I was innocent. I really did love you. I loved you like how anyone could have. I did at one point. I did not want your body. I didnāt want a thing but for you to be trustworthy. I demand loyalty amongst men and women because if you bend that, thereās no going back. Not towards a Capricorn at least. I knew what you did before anyone has told me and yes, Iāve beat this thing over the head a million different ways, but it never sounds right. You say, infatuation. You say, a mistake. I say youth has made us stupid, but age has made us willing to succumb to the blindness of our ways. Iāve been spilling and Iāve been writing. I havenāt lived life, but Iāll die to live it. Iām 23 and Iāll be 24 soon. I will have grey hair one day, I might have children, I might not. They say everything in your life happens for a reason, the reason is you. Why? Let me tell you in exact order of the why. You never learned to love, so you donāt look for it at home. You go out and have fun, thinking now and here, this is the moment I want to live in. Your friends they fight each other. They talk shit about each other behind backs that look away with this thing we call trust. And then you meet a girl and stop coming around. Theyāll say, he loves a girl more than he does his boys. Friendship will save you, but love will make you. My friends werenāt brilliant, but they were my friends. Every one stops talking to you eventually, youāll make new friends. Youāll find new lovers. Youāll find a different reality to not be upset about and when they tell you that time heals all wounds, you wonāt believe it in the now, but you will one day. You donāt need to text them anymore. You wonāt need to call them anymore. You wonāt miss them that much. You wonāt love them as much. Youāll find new things to fill your life with. Youāll find new things to be proud of. Youāll pick up something else to do. Maybe youāre planning to write music. Maybe youāre planning to settle down. Maybe youāre planning to change how your body looks, get like supermodels and the famous superstars. If they can do it, you can do it too. Weāre not rich, maybe we are. Weāre all born with gold, some of us just became fools to our own. We put labels onto everything, itās a way to keep our sanity in check. Is that your girlfriend? Are you two a thing now? How long has it been? Do you love her? Are you happy? Why does it even matter to you? You donāt care. Itās just more useless gossip weāll spread like disease. Itās this life weāre living in. The earth that we made. Itās the food youāll eat at 5 am that doesnāt rot when left out for five years, theyāll come back as weight you wonāt lose even if youāve been to the gym five days a week. Itās the hearts youāve broken, youāll love someone new and itāll break you again. Itās the memories weāve forgotten, in many ways, weāre far less human than when weāve once started. We are living in an age where the digits next to our likes and dislikes match our personality, weāre a hollow civilization trying to pretend that weāre pretty, that weāre happy. Weāre a bit broken and thatās okay, thatās why we have the artists who plans to pave our way. Thatās why we have galleries and museums. Thatās why old masterpieces are so expensive. We take out of life with what we left it. We die with our lives in our palms asking ourselves, was it worth it? Did you live a worthy life? I havenāt lived much, but Iāve loved enough to die a million different lives. One day Iāll love a florist who only wants to shower the world in more flowers, save the bees, sheāll say. One day Iāll love a poet who wants to sprinkle icing on top of every mistake Iāve ever made, letās save our dessert, weāll have it after sex, sheāll say. One day Iāll love a writer who wants to squeeze stories into my eyes, save the stars, Iāll write them back into you some day, sheāll say. One day Iāll love myself enough to tell my children, you can be whatever you want to be, because I believe in you, Iāll say. Itās corny and itās clichĆ©, but believe me when I tell you this. If my father told me that simple phrase with a smile, even if he didnāt mean a word of itā if he did it when I was much smaller, much more delicate, much more gentle, much more open, much more whole, much more vibrant, much more happy, much more of me than Iāll ever be, much more of when I was looking for guidance, much more of things Iāll always look for, much more of my inner child that Iāve been suffocating, and much more of when I wanted to love everythingā
In more ways than one,I will have remembered my memories.
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