18. I don’t speak to you any more, the cards in the mail left unanswered; the messages left on ‘read’ It may seem heartless, to give up on my father but you gave up on me a long time before.
18. I'm often asked if I miss you, on such occasions I rack my brain for some positive memory, something to hold onto, and I only ever find the hurt, the pain of you’re actions.
18. I have finally come to accept that you’ll never be the man I wish you were. Today is my birthday, 18, an adult supposedly, but you've never taught me how to be a man.
17. I’m driving home with my Mum when she finds out the divorce has finally come through, we turn on the radio, we sing and we laugh before I realise It’s been too long since is saw her smile. I realise that you could never touch her again, she was free of you.
17. Why is it so hard? I thought moving out of the house would fix things, I thought I could forget the way you made me feel.
17. I slip into a depression without being able to tell my Mum because how selfish of me to burden her with my troubles when she has so much to carry, so I silently battle demons in my mind; hoping one day someone will understand.
17. My brother and I are loading the moving van to leave our childhood home, but you sit drunken on the sofa, three bottles of wine lay across your lap, your favourite accessory. We argue as you refuse to move before you get up and menacingly try to hit me, I step back and with one strike send you across the room. I cry later that night, not because I hit you, because I know longer care that I have to.
17. I tell my friends that my parents are getting divorced, they offer words of sympathy but I could never tell them the true story, because how would they understand the ways you've failed me?
16. I come home and find you asleep on the sofa for the 3rd time this week, you’re drunken snores have become the anthem of my childhood, the depressing symphony of paralytic groans.
16. Mum’s quick to anger and shouts at me often, I know she’s upset at you, so I allow her to release the anger.
15. After a long night of arguing you tell us how you are going to kill yourself, before I have the time to process it, you stumble to the bedroom window and try to climb out of it, my heart pumps out of my chest as I watch you struggle to fit before giving up and collapsing on the floor.
15. I am scared to bring friends home because I am terrified of them meeting you, I am terrified of them understanding how I live my life.
15. I struggle to tell anyone how I feel, you make me feel as if no-one is going to understand, you’re lack of attention has left me feeling weak as I don’t realise that people would help me if I just reached out.
14. I heard you arguing with mum, I went upstairs because I was scared. This led to me entering the argument and before long you lean forward and try to grab me, I lean out and hit you. I’ll never forget the image of you stumbling back and hitting your face on the side of the door. You will never understand the psychological impact that had on me, fighting my father at just 14; it wasn't fair, but I didn't expect fair any more.
14. You had taken me to see a rugby game, this is the one connection we had. As the game went on you kept going to the toilet and coming back increasingly drunk. I had to borrow a stranger’s phone to ask mum for a lift, you insisted you weren't drunk before driving off and leaving me alone in the dark to wait.
14. On holiday you told me you were going to kill yourself, it took me a few years to consider the question, what if you did? how would my life have changed? I don’t feel comfortable answering these questions but it’s the life you’ve made for me.
13. My first few years of secondary school are spent shyly hoping no-one talks to me because you've made me trust few people.
13. I make excuses because there must be some reason you are like this, you do really care about me really.
12. I first start to understand that you’re an alcoholic, it pains me to grasp the concept that you enjoy drink more than you care for me.
11. I don’t understand why Mummy and Daddy keep fighting.
10. You fall asleep on the sofa every night, I think it’s because you’re sleepy.
9. I convinced myself that Mummy and Daddy fought because I was naughty, it was myself.
8. I still looked up to you.
7. One morning you asked me whether you and mum should split up and my little heart stopped beating.
6. Why does daddy smell funny?
5. I wanted to grow up to be just like daddy, he was strong and tall and good at sports.
3. You were still drunk but my innocent mind was unaware and still saw you as the hero you should have been
2. 1. 0. I wish you weren't my dad
Please god don’t let me end up like you.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is very different from most of my work and it is still very much a work in progress, but I decided to write something a little more personal; I will be making revisions but in the meantime if you have any thoughts please feel free to message me.
I took inspiration from the poem ‘21′ by Patrick Roche. Patrick is very talented and his story aligned with mine so I decided to somewhat replicate his work. Please go check him out :)
yousharknotpass
izzy806
turnnoffyourmind
baratheonpilled
prguitarman
dailybridgerton
dededos
romaincrisis
