it’s been a pretty long time
and going through my archive and seeing that i only really came here in times of pain brings back a lot of memories - not necessarily good or bad. just memories and emotions associated with those memories and the various parts of my life that i was trying to make sense of or improve at the time.
i could bore you with the details of what went on but essentially, everything i said at that time about wanting to graduate and fade into the backdrop of life came true. i haven’t spoken to a single person i went to college with in over a year save for one random encounter recently. most people don’t even know that i came back to the city after moving home. my social media has all been quiet for nearly 2 years because i just don’t feel that there are any parts of my life worth sharing. maybe i’m scared of putting any part of myself out there again, i don’t know. got a job and all i really do is work and go to the gym, but that’s okay for me right now. it makes me feel happier and less empty than i did for the almost year after graduating where i didn’t have a real job or purpose.
one post stands out among all of them. an anon sent me a message saying “i’m sorry you’re all alone” and truthfully, i was, and in some ways still am, alone. but i’ve never been all alone. the people that matter to me are there for a reason and even if they go far away, they’ll still be close to me.
not knowing where i was going was pretty scary and frustrating for a while and even though i still don’t know where i’m going, i feel somewhat hopeful for the first time in a long time, which is kind of an odd and foreign feeling right now. i finally feel able to focus on some of the positive things in my life rather than brooding on the bad. maybe acknowledging that i’m out of that stage of my life is the first step to moving on to the brighter future ahead. who really knows, though?
it’s been good catching up, tumblr. if anyone sees and reads this and remembers who i am, idk send me a message or something and say hi. it’d be nice to get a notification that’s a message rather than a new bot account following me lol.
