the naked me

to keep record, to learn from mistakes, to cherish memories, to never forget, to move forward.

[ahnandahn]

I hurt him.

It’s not about imposing. It’s about making people more aware. I shouldn’t stress other people out. I shouldn’t force my ideas onto ithers and expect them to accept my suggestions of how life should be lived. I need to be nicer and more understanding. It’s almost like i’m the one who doesn’t unserstand others the most and is almost like a control freak.

Kevin cried and i asked why he was crying and in such a sad whisper he croaked, “i feel like i don’t know you anymore.” And my heart fucking broke and i cried with him. I feel so bad. I’ve been so hard on him. But i honestly just want what’s best for him and his future. Because he’s my one and only irreplaceable little brother. I just care about him and love him so much, so i’ve been that much harder on him and i acknowledge that. I need to cut it out or else i’ll break him and our relationship. I need to know the boundaries and tread lightly with just enough power. I don’t think i conveyed it well at all to him, but i don’t want to bring it up again and make a solemn mood. Tho i hope he understood what i genuinely intended and that things will ge better for all of us.

And right before this conversation with kevin, ma had just said so sadly that she missed the old dad. That he had changed so much since they had first begun living life together. I’ve changed so much, and i’ve hurt kevin. I don’t regret who i’ve become, but i do feel bad for hurting him. I need to be more tender and understand that he hasn’t gone thru the same experiences. He hasn’t entered college yet and learned more and experienced more. He’s gad 3.5 years less experience and exposure than i have. What am i expecting from him? I just want so much from him, for him to be the best him always and that’s why i expect so much, probably too much.

My tears won’t stop falling out my eyes. I want to tell him that i’m sorry for being so harsh and not realizing that he has yet to experience the 3.5 years i’ve already gone thru and thus having less experience, has a harder time understanding me. That i expected too much from a kid who just finished high school. That i hope that he’ll always want to know more about the world and how terrifying and terrible and beautiful and mysterious and enlightening and brilliant it is. How life is similar in those ways as well. That i hope he’ll always strive to be the best version of himself. To be empathetic and have passion and compassion. To never be satisfied with the status quo. Just so much.

[ahnandahn]

what is going on?

I feel unsettled. Part of me feels like not caring, though it doesn't feel right deep down to. Another feels as if i'm trying to push my stomach against its natural gravitation. It's 6am. At one point in the night i felt like i was numb and wanted to die. I feel distant from everybody, except my fam. The near future feels unlike reality. It feels like a simulation that does not lapse in time. I want to be good at drawing and i don't think i've ever been more frustrated at being terrible at it. I feel stuck. Reading manga makes me ache for intensely passionate relationships. I want stability.

[ahnandahn]

안돼도 그뿐이야. (in regards to internships, but also life) Ma said that she worked hard and lived cautiously and still ended up in a difficult situation of life, so one way or another things happen however they happen. People who carelessly spend and do whatever they want can end up marrying rich lovers and living a comfortable life forever. You never know with life. Don't worry. Just do what can be done now, and keep moving forward.

[ahnandahn]

and so it goes.

finished my last final at Berkeley as an undergrad, and the least to say, it was weird. i could’ve done much better on this final had i started studying earlier, but it is what it is.

i came out of the room and it started to sink in that my time here was really coming to a close. i wouldn’t be seeing josh jackson ever again. i wouldn’t be walking down this campus anymore. the people laughing as i walk still had time, but i was running out.

the sun was setting as it was about 5pm, or at least the sky was the shade of pinkish yellow lemonade. i thought, and i started to tear up but refused to cry.

i’ve worked so hard to get here, to be here, to succeed here. yet at the same time a lot of me thinks i haven’t. i’ve worked hard to be me and to live as i could, and that’s what i’m most proud of. how much i’ve grown in the last three years is incomparable to the years before. each year felt so long, yet so short, but so long bc i had become a different person with each passing moment, with each passing month, with each passing semester. berkeley has transformed me in so many ways, opened my eyes, made me a .. i can’t even list everything. 

at the end of the day, i can’t regret how i’ve spent my time here bc they were all choices i’ve made. i’m glad i came here. i’m grateful, so grateful. i’m glad i am who i am today, and i hope to continue to grow as a decent human being who cares about the earth and all that makes it what it is.

my time here is coming to an end, and it honestly is so weird. i can’t believe 3 years have passed by. i’ve gone through a lot, and yet not much at all. a new life outside of this place i’ve called a second home for the past three years awaits.

i’ll miss my time and life here, but it’s just a new start.

there’s still so much more to learn, and i’m excited.

thanks for everything you had to offer, berkeley. it’s been real, and i won’t ever forget it. i hope to put everything you’ve taught me to good use. i’ll make me proud. go bears!

--

it’s bittersweet. and i’ll cry if i keep thinking bc i’m scared. i think i’m suppressing my actual feelings again. i’m terrified. i’m so sad. i hate change. i don’t want to grow older and have to do shit. i just want to stay a student and continue to learn. i want to stay young. i want to live recklessly. i want to do things right. i want to be smarter. i want to be here for longer.

“maybe someday you’ll be there.” -hyukoh

[ahnandahn]

still a ways to go.

olivia bought me cha for tea boba. supes good.

made successful cilantro lime rice with rayna’s help. also made soup in the crock pot and pico de gallo. yum!

got some studying done but am still much behind. will try to make it to 9am office hours lol

happy mother’s day. ma, you’re the best. i love you so much.

[ahnandahn]

i got the limes and nothing more.

woke up at like 8am. considered being productive, but then nah. climbed back in bed and slept till 2pm.

went to study but only read one chapter out of the five i should have.

ate a burrito from panchos, which wasn’t as good as i was expecting it to be as they usually are. i got the limes.

alyssa surprised rayna at her house with the cocount pecan pie.

i want to get work done, but i can’t seem to focus. 2 hours to go.

[ahnandahn]

get the limes!!

had a good, productive convo with kevin about the value of money and exercising. i didn’t want to depress him since he’s a sensitive kiddo, so i didn’t tell him the full extent of our story.

had a few mix ups with work (not my fault tho).

got a bit of work done, but need to get much more done tomorrow.

checking my emails like mad bc internships. i should have started so much earlier. at this rate, i won’t get anything at all.

it’s 2am and it’s still late, but if i sleep now, it’ll be 2 hours earlier than i’ve been sleeping at. gotta get lots of studying done tomorrow! and get limes!!

[ahnandahn]

i’m so grateful.

thursday of dead week, or more sparingly known as RRR week.

i woke up around 12pm and watched about four hours of one piece, which is now consuming my life as i binge watch it relentlessly in the comfort of knowing that there are 750 episodes out right now and i know what’s going to happen right now because i’m still at the point of rewatching episodes i’ve already watched years ago. i’m so invested in the straw hat pirates bc they’re just so good and want to protect each other and the things each other cares about. true nakama, something i appreciate from the deepest part of my heart. in the past three years in college, i’ve truly learned so much more about what relationships - not romantic ones, but familial and platonic ones. i’ve become so much more sensitive than i once was. i know more about life and the world and what they both hold. the one piece that i’m watching now is so much more appreciated and relevant than it once was when i watched mindlessly in high school at kevin’s request (tho i recommended the show to him).

then, i went to work from 6-1am. during this time, i wasn’t feeling too hot. one piece let me tune out of the real world and live in a fictional one where relationships are valued as i appreciate them to be. coming back to the real world, i felt out of it and a bit empty and anxious for no clear reason.

it was rayna’s birthday and i felt bad bc i couldn’t really pump myself up for it. but i called her nonetheless bc i would’ve felt bad to not have called her for her 21st. it was already so delayed at 10pm. i’m glad i called. it was so nice to hear her voice with genuine relaxation. i felt a lot better after that and felt more appreciation for her birthday.

i finished work and got some decent studying done. this may be the earliest i’ve ever started studying for finals, but i may be lying bc i have terrible memory. the buses were supposed to pass by at 1:13, but alas they weren’t even close, so i called ma since she had kakaoed me recently so i knew she was awake. we ended up talking for about an hour. she ranted a bit about kevin and we talked about money and i cried a lot but i tried to hide it so i don’t ma knew. she talked about how she can’t spend any of the money she earns for herself bc it all goes to someone else. how that makes her not want to work or live bc what’s the point? that she made it this far only bc kevin and i are here. that at one point she didn’t know how she would raise the two of us with this debt-sunken situation, but 10 years had already passed and now i was about to graduate and kevin was about to go to college. that she’ll never get out of the debt bc one source of debt is paid off by getting involved in more debt. that she’ll have to work to pay off the debt till she dies.

she said they pay 10k a month towards the debt. i knew this before, but it just hit me today that that’s 120,000 dollars a year. that’s more than i could hope to earn in a year... and it’s not that we’re making enough to pay for that amount, but that we’re taking on other loans, more debt, to pay off the bank debt first. we just took on another 150k loan. plus i have my student loans. ma kept emphasizing just to live without debt is more than enough to have a fulfilling or at least sufficient life. how much does she regret everyday? she can’t sleep at night. her whole body is sore all the time from standing 8+ hours a day. i can barely even stand an hour washing the dishes and my legs get sore...

hearing this kind of thing makes me feel terrible about spending money on petty things like boba. knowing my apartment mates waste electricity and spike the bills that i have to also pay for. it makes me angry to think about how we got into this situation, how helpless my mom was and is (tho i’ve only gotten the story from her perspective for the most part), how dad still carelessly spends money (tho i know he’s also having a rough time for reasons). it’s unfair to all of us, but this is the result of actions that weren’t thought through well. it’s burdensome, but we have no choice. we must continue moving forward, as ma and dad have. we must be wise. learn from our mistakes. be aware. conserve more. be sustainable. don’t waste. be thoughtful. be supportive. be compassionate and empathetic.

i’m so grateful to my parents, especially ma who has continued to support everybody with physical and mental support even though she could have totally said ‘fuck this. this is not my responsibility. i’m out’ (tho having kids was definitely part of her responsibility). i’m so grateful that she has guided us with her full support and love thus far even though it was so difficult for her to even take care of herself with anything.

i am reminded of how unconditional her love is and how much i want to pay her back because i appreciate and love her so much. mother’s day is coming up.

[ahnandahn]

it’s okay.

it was another chill day. i needed the rest at home. a recap,

woke up around 11-12. rayna called me to hang out but i needed to research internships and also needed alone time. tumbled. watched undertale with kevin. dropped him off at ivc for his teaching lessons. came back and tumbled and did a little research on internships as mom requested. ate sushi boy for dinner. watched running man with ma and kevin. and now i’m here.

it’s now december 31st, the last day of 2015.

[ahnandahn]

good times roll.

just a quick run through of the day since i’m tired.

got few hours of sleep. planned to go to knotts with arc because i had a coupon. we arrived at the amusement park, paid the parking fee ($17) and found out that the ticket prices were actually 72 rather than 42. decided not to go in, so we left.

rayna and connie stayed at rayna’s for rayna to makeup. alyssa and i went to alyssa’s for her to change. we then headed over to veggie grill in the spectrum. ordered buffalo bomber, first time there. was pretty good! i need to stop egging on things that i’ve already made clear once and they’ve accepted. it seems like i want them to be put down, and i don’t like that. i kept saying we shouldn’t trust rayna’s words, and i pushed it over the boundaries a bit today. have to watch it. then picked up some pretzels for connie, cupcakes for rayna, chose vip reclining seats ($15) for the movie sisters. it wasn’t too bad since i was expecting nothing.

we then sat in the parking lot in front of rayna’s house and talked for a bit. then alyssa took me and connie home, but not before alyssa forgot her phone in rayna’s car so we had to turn around and retrieve it aha.

came home, timothy and kevin were eating dinner. we watched the intern after, which was pretty good. dad came home and we watched korean program. rayna told me to call her at 12:30am if she doesn’t call first. i didn’t question it, but it seems like she’s okay. i’ll ask tomorrow, i suppose.

the plan for tomorrow is to work on internship applications.

[ahnandahn]

it’s been, and must be.

i’m not sure where to start, nor am i sure where to go. and this is nothing new, nor anything to be terrified of in an unwarranted way.

the present and future, as well as the past, are somethings to be wary of, to be preoccupied with, to fear. i need to understand and acknowledge and accept this. and that’s a difficult thing to do, especially when i’ve lived my life all this time thinking i can’t be weak or vulnerable. but the matter of fact is that i’m not as strong as i believed i was. it’s not a bad thing, but i just need to learn to build myself back to being okay.

i am all right. just relatively, i’m in a worse place than i ever was - and this was never intentional. it just sort of happened and i didn’t realize till after it all happened and people (rayna and cassidy) had to tell me what it was.

this past semester, i lived with clinical depression (or so they and i guess i believe), and i may still be in that funk considering i’m still sleeping just as much and am feeling unmotivated to do things that i once thought i would be motivated to do, things that i love doing in the first place.

this past semester, i’m still not sure what i was thinking. but my brain just said no. i would try to get out of bed, and sometimes i would succeed in doing so. i’d step out of bed at 8am, air in the room still and cold, but my brain would immediately shut down and say what for? why go to class? look at all the things you’ve already failed at. i guess that was a later thought. i’m not sure what the first thing was that triggered all of this. eventually i stopped going to three of my four classes. i stopped going to daily cal, a club i had promised to devote my time to. it’s stressful to even try to think about what i thought at that time, what the sources of my depression could’ve been bc of course these were/are things that put me in that state in the first place.

i need to write all of these thoughts and feelings down so that i can keep track of my mental state/health. i’m tired, so tired. but i want to start anew. i want to be better, so badly. i’ve wanted it for so long, but i’m just so tired now. i keep crying. this is the most i’ve cried in a semester. i’m frustrated with my external and internal circumstances, guaranteed that i am better off than a lot of folks i know - i’m blessed in many ways. i can tell how vulnerable and weak i’ve become, or i’m just finally realizing, or i’m just finally crashing after trying to hold up the tough world around me for so long. i cry so easily now. the slightest of things, emotions - mine or those of others, will put me into tears.

i’m lost. i want to find whatever it is that i think i’m missing. maybe it’s me, maybe it’s my path, maybe it’s my motivation, my purpose. i don’t want to give up. i want to be better. i don’t want to be a burden. i don’t want to be a pain. i don’t want to add stress. i don’t want to be stressed. i want to be strong. i want to be the one to fix it all. i want to be good. i want to be proud of myself. i’m not sure where to start, but i have to start somewhere, anywhere. small steps at a time, and i’ll get somewhere. i need to keep moving. i’ll get there.

[ahnandahn]

come on.

i feel bad bc i only come on this blog when i have major updates.

Japan was amazing. i empowered and was empowered.

now i need to continue being empowered.

i need to empower myself.

believe in myself and fucking mean it.

fucking pull my shit together.

i need to be good to myself along the way.

[ahnandahn]

things are going.

3 finals down. 1 to go.

finally gave up on econ. it’s time to take hold of my life and make it one that i can be proud of. it’s time to stop holding onto unfulfillable dreams.

GOT INTO THE JAPAN INTERNSHIP!!!!!!! I MAY BE GOING TO JAPAN OVER THE SUMMER TO EMPOWER THE YOUTH!!!!!! feel bad though because Alyssa showed me the internship but it didn’t go well for her.

Open Season by Josef Salvat is the most relevant song at this point in time.

[ahnandahn]

it’s getting better.

things have been a lot better since i saw Rayna last Sunday.

i’ve been thinking more positively about our relationship. we’ve been talking everyday again. things have gone back to normal. she seems to be doing better. i think it’s that i get really thrown off when i don’t have my relationships on the usual track, and then i get really insecure and feel like i don’t know anything or anybody, which is still true but not as prominent and blaring when i’m more in contact with them. i love these people so dearly. i’m terrified to lose them.

being productive feels great. i haven’t been as productive as i would’ve liked to be, but it has been better.

haven’t been waking up for my 8ams, but i recently have started again. i missed a week of 8ams and i felt terrible. i have a lot of catch up to do.

it may be possible that depression is lurking inside of me and waiting for a great recession into myself or some sort of trigger, i don’t know. this is just an observation based on how i felt the last 2 week or so, but i really don’t think i’m that bad yet.

there’s only a month of school left. 2 weeks of class left. i miss my family and friends so much. sophomore year is always a shit show. i can’t wait for it to end. summer plans are also a worry. econ is also looking grim. keeping high hopes. not so sure about the low expectations though yet since i’m too much of an optimistic pessimist.

[ahnandahn]

i want everything to be over.

i don’t want to exist anymore. nobody understands me. nobody ever will. even my best friends who i have trusted thus far cannot understand me. i am too sensitive for my own good. people can’t even begin to try to put themselves in my shoes. people are too fucking difficult to deal with. i feel too guilty. i’m a shit person. everything is too difficult. people. life. actions. it’s seriously amazing how people live for so long. i’m seriously impressed by aged people. what motivation got you to live all those years? i mean, i guess fear is one of them because that seems to be what is driving me at the moment. i wonder what will happen once all that fear disappears. will i disappear as well?

[ahnandahn]

feeling lost.

i don’t want to write much because i’m not even exactly sure what this feeling is. it’s as if i’ve lost all motivation, even though i really haven’t. maybe it’s because spring break is coming? maybe it’s because the people around me are feeling so many things and are lost and trying to find themselves that it’s making me feel alone?

i want people to be okay. i want to be okay. my body feels like it has lost its existence, its purpose to continue living.

there are so many things i want to do. it’s still somewhat the beginning, yet i’ve messed things up - but i guess the point is that there is still a chance for me to make up things. i want all the nice things. i want money. i want clothes. i want a clean face. i want a fit body. i want to do well in class. i want to have my life together. i want my friends and family back. i want to be sure of myself.

i don’t know who i can talk to without being a burden. people care about me, but not enough because they’re busy with their own things. i wonder how i’m doing in a parallel universe.

i’m tired.

[ahnandahn]

doing this for me.

i know i said i would try to keep up, but time and effort make it so difficult. so here's just a quick update.

so it looks like i already mentioned that i got the internship.

i did not get into haas. i bombed my econ midterm (39/100, great job),but did surprisingly well on math midterm (92/100, you have failed asian child (jk i'm amazed)).

i haven't been managing my time well, surprise surprise.

Rayna has been going through rough times (anxiety and panic attacks). Alyssa and Connie are so busy i barely talk to them. been talking to Olivia more. i've been hanging in there. been talking to family less, which makes me sad.

i made a playlist for Rayna: http://8tracks.com/soulsori/raging.

i don't know what else to update actually. just a lot of emotions and not doing things. been super involved in new blogs lol.

be good to yourself, please.