형 | A Hyung's Life

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[ahyungslife]

2021.02.02.

Well, well, well. 

It’s been a while. But good things have come through in that time.

With COVID starting to show some promise, vaccines coming through and all, I decided to take advantage of this WFH situation and just change my scenery. 

And I’m glad I did.

It’s as if I’ve opened myself up to an opportunity to focus on my own wellbeing and on improving myself, assessing where I am at this point in my life and recalibrating how I continue to navigate my own journey.

I have no singular goals here, other than to just take things slower, take things easier, and just enjoy the journey. I felt like I was on this spiral towards ambition - do better at work, find that ‘other half’, improve my fitness - but I realized here: there’s no real rush, and that I needed to reprioritize what was important. So if there’s anything I’ve been consistent with, it’s becoming more active and to be consistent - something I’ve struggled with for a long time. And to see results? Well, that just inspires me to keep going.

To my future self: remember this point of your life. Remember the good thoughts and positivity that came out of this experience. Take things easy, take things slow, and enjoy the journey.

[ahyungslife]

2021.01.24.

sonder (noun)

the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own—populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries and inherited craziness—an epic story that continues invisibly around you like an anthill sprawling deep underground, with elaborate passageways to thousands of other lives that you’ll never know existed, in which you might appear only once, as an extra sipping coffee in the background, as a blur of traffic passing on the highway, as a lighted window at dusk.

[ahyungslife]

2021.01.14.

Oh, hey 2021. 

You’ve been interesting and we’re not even halfway through January yet. 

Lots of big changes coming though! I’m starting off the year with a more active approach: no more passive waiting for me. And I’m not going to let COVID-19 keep me dormant. 

Still working on some personal projects, but I’m excited for the path I’m about to take. I’m putting this whole COVID-19 soul searching stuff on the back burner. 

Time to focus on myself. 

I’ll check in again! I’m motivated.

Let’s get it, baby.

[ahyungslife]

2020.12.29.

Two days to the end of 2020. What a journey.

During my run this morning, I passively reflected on two things: the events that took place during this year, and all the decisions I’ve made in my life so far up to this point. 

All my life, dating has been a journey on it’s own for me, and finding love in the time of COVID has been an interesting course to run, that’s for sure.

One thing I know for sure is that I’ve grown throughout the process. And that’s the important thing. 

I’m going to go into the new year with no more expectations. Just go with the flow. See what happens.

2020, it’s been a slice. 

2021 - let’s get it. 

[ahyungslife]

2020.12.15.

Just say you love me, just for today And don't give me time 'cause that's not the same Want to feel burning flames when you say my name Want to feel passion flow into my bones Like blood through my veins

I don't wanna fall in love if you don't wanna try But all that I've been thinking of is maybe that you might And babe, it looks as though we're running out of words to say And love's floating away

[ahyungslife]

2020.12.14.

I just don’t know anymore. 

I held back, and you gave me signs that I can open up again. And now that I have, you disappear.

I get it - if it’s work, of course, prioritize that. I’m easy and I know the feeling myself. But you need to understand - when you disappear for days, it plays with my mind and opens up the floodgates to overthink.

We’re not official, so I don’t have that security of there being an us. And I don’t want to lose you, although now, I’m thinking that maybe it’s OK if I do. 

You don’t need to message me all day, everyday. You don’t even need to fully explain your day.

But all we have to communicate is text. And lately, we don’t even have that.

Sometimes, the distance and silence makes it easier to consider just moving on because the possibility that this won’t ever go anywhere is starting to become more clear.

I really need to think because it does hurt.

[ahyungslife]

2020.11.23.

어떻게 이별까지 사랑하겠어 - how can I love the heartbreak.

I’m slowly being drawn back to you. And the thought of it scares me still, yet I’m allowing myself to let it play it’s course. 

I’ve been on dates recently, I’ve tried to keep a safe distance and see the possibilities. And yet, I think of you. 

I think of how our sense of humour is still better, the jokes we tell each other are still funnier, the little expressions we share just can’t be matched. 

I think about your kiss, and how much I miss it, and how it makes me feel.

I think about your smile and how it’s the only thing I would see in a crowded room. 

You have this hold on me, and my heart just doesn’t want to let go. And I’m trying to just keep it going slow, but more and more I begin to imagine again that life just won’t be the same without you.

I don’t know if I’m ready to give in completely. But the tide is getting stronger, and it’s starting to pull me away. Do I keep fighting the tide, and swim to more stable ground, or do I let myself get swept away into the unknown?

I don’t think I can handle more heartbreak and the logical part of me is saying that there are too many unknowns to take a chance again. Should I trust my heart or should I trust my head...sigh.

R

[ahyungslife]

2020.11.18.

These past few weeks have been a whirlwind of emotions and just endless thoughts that seemed to just lead nowhere.

Just before you came this past weekend, I felt like I was stumbling all over the place - to have felt you push me further and further away, to act so much colder than you’ve ever been, to see you put yourself out there on the dating scene - it was a hard pill to swallow. At the time when it was all happening, it was hard to accept that this is most likely going to go nowhere. But the one thing I accepted easily was that I tried my best, and that I would have no regrets because I put my heart on the line, I wore it on my sleeve, I was ready to give it to you. 

And perhaps this was the deepest cut that I’ve ever felt, but it felt like I needed to start letting go. I couldn’t trust myself to fall any further than I’ve already have. It would not be fair to allow myself to keep going down this road, knowing that the outcome is becoming more clear. We had our conversation to clarify what was happening and it only confirmed that all my fears were actually true. So I needed to pivot and try to pull myself out of this state of mind, and I started to accept that there would not be an us.

I couldn’t tell where the honesty resided in your words anymore. And I told myself that I needed to stop giving the idea of having a future with you any more hope. 

And then you came this past weekend. Albeit a short stay, I didn’t - I couldn’t - allow myself to initiate anything with you anymore. I could feel that you wanted to get closer, but I was just scared to fall for anything. I didn’t know what was real with you anymore. Before you came, I could no longer tell if you were being sincere. My mind was filled with so many doubts. But then the affection came through and I eventually let it in. Your head was resting on my shoulders, I felt your embrace and your warmth - I stared out the window, and let my mind wander again. Is this real? Are we getting closer? Is this us getting past an obstacle?

Before it all went wrong, I dreamt of being in your arms and you in mine. I opened my heart to you and wanted to give you the world - my world. But it all came crashing down when you pushed me away without any reason or explanation. 

And now, since you’ve left, I can feel you opening up again. I can feel you reaching for me, saying all the right things and giving me the hope I used to feel with you. 

But I’m scared. I’m scared that this is just another high and the doubts that never even occupied my mind before now seem to live in my head. I just don’t know anymore. 

You were my day 1 - so it’s hard to just write it off and just move on. But I need to try, because I still can’t trust myself to fall any deeper. I’ve already started to pull myself out of this pool of emotions, of hope, of thinking that there could be an us. 

I need to be careful, and I need to guard my heart.

I wish you just talked to me and didn’t let me drift in this pool of doubt for as long as you did. 

R

[ahyungslife]

20.11.01.

나 진짜 바보다 - I am such an idiot.

This is what I mean when I say I turn into this naïve person who is so focused on trying so hard to attain an outcome without even realizing that the reality that surrounds him - if only he took the time to zoom out and see the bigger picture - will never allow him to reach what he’s trying to work for.

For weeks - since the day you left, actually - I knew things were going to be different. And yet, my hopelessly-in-love self was like, “it’s OK - different doesn’t always mean bad.”

And that was okay! I’m not the type of person who isn’t capable of shifting gears; I go with the flow, so long though that I feel like there’s still the same connection and that it’s progressing somewhere.

See, this where I failed to cross-check: to see if it was progressing somewhere. And today was the day after a few weeks, that I realized how quite wrong I might be turning out to be.

One of the things I felt that I had in common with you, was that I could accurately predict what you were thinking. To the point where I could finish your sentence, or translate your sometimes-grammatically-inaccurate-responses and know what you’re talking about.

You said you didn’t want to hit a wall and so you’re needing to change gears so that you can get to know me more as a person and to avoid running into a wall. Today, I realized that changing gears meant that you wanted to slow things down.

And I feel like I know and have had enough life experiences to know that to ‘Slow things down’ almost 99.99% A: never ends the way you want it to, B: is a red-flag, because who wants to slow things down when you’re trying to get to know someone and C: that I am an idiot.

It’s just..........heartbreaking. Because I really, really like you. And I’ve fallen for you, but I don’t think you feel that too. I gave everything in this stage everything I had. And I wanted to know: did I do it right? Was it too much? Where could it have been different, so that I could have kept you on the same path as I was, where I thought we were. 

I am an idiot.

But I’d be more of an idiot if I let this play out. If I let myself keep hoping, that one day, it could lead to you and I. I know you don’t really think of me. And it’s OK. I just need to learn not to give it all at once, not to give it all at the beginning. 

Oh boy. This will be hard. I hate the idea of love. There’s nothing that comes out of it. People are only into the thrill of the chase. No one really wants love - stupid love. I fucking hate love.

Oh well.

R

[ahyungslife]

2020.10.16.

The past week was everything.

I’ve never felt so bonded to someone. In those seven days, I glimpsed at what seven years would feel like. I really wanted to give everything I could - because more and more, I was falling for you. I thought to myself: see how those seven days would be. See if there’s a genuine connection. See how it feels, where it might go. 

And that’s just that - it was everything I’ve been looking for - I’d even go as far as saying that it’s what I’ve been wanting my entire life. I even tried to push my own limits and do the things I thought you might like, and I’ll probably regret that, but I thought I’d try.

And then you had to fly back. And for some whatever reason, I feel this heaviness, this crushing feeling like that’s where it will be. For whatever reason, you feel distant. I keep telling myself that we’re both trying to catch up with work because being away for so long means that we’re going to have work waiting for our return.

But it feels different. 

When we were on the way to the airport, I wanted to open up and have a deeper conversation, but I couldn’t do it - the timing felt wrong. And now, I’m filled with regrets because now I don’t know what the future looks like now. Is there even a future....

And maybe this is my karma. I know I’ve been the reason for heartbreak, so maybe it’s my turn to feel it. To feel a void, a numbing pain, a sense of loss. 

Anyway, I’ll try and suppress these stupid thoughts - I hope I’m overthinking. Time will tell, I guess....

But I’ve fallen - so, so hard - for you.

R

[ahyungslife]

2020.09.26.

Wow it’s been almost a month since my last post.

But for good reasons, I’d say. Work’s been keeping me on my toes, but let’s not get into that :P

So we finally met. And the buildup to that first, physical meeting was intense. Sure, we’ve been talking everyday up until that point, but that first point where you get to see a person, feel them, be with them - I think that’s the true litmus test. And it was nothing short of amazing.

I still remember that very first interaction: you drove up, saw me and you came out of your car. I remember feeling “shit, am I ugly? What if I’m not up to par? What if this is going to be the first and last interaction and that this weekend was going to be all that there is ever going to be? What if we don’t connect? What if it’s going to be just awkward moment after awkward moment?” There were so many what-if questions shooting like neurons in my head.

The great thing was I felt comfortable. It felt just like a continuation of our already in-depth conversations. And in those first moments, as we drove off to reach our first destination, I remember really starting to fall deeper; it was as if I had just been standing on the edge of a jump-point, staring at the waters below, with all of this anticipation and nervousness, just waiting for the right moment to take the plunge. 

And in that buildup, it’s like: “should I even take the plunge?” Because there’s also the option to just step back, turn the other way and just choose not to.

But I took that chance and jumped. And it was one of the best decisions in my life. 

So after an amazing weekend, we now we fast-forward to this moment in time. You’ll be here in less than two-weeks and I crave your presence. I feel more confident in myself, and that maybe you feel the same way about me. You know that movie Inside Out, where there are little emotions that live as creatures inside your head? Well, there’s a creature that exists in my head that’s telling me that this is just happening though because it’s what is fair - you’re genuine, and kind, and honest, and maybe this is just your way of making it equal, that I came there, so you’re coming here. But there are other creatures in my head saying otherwise - that this could be leading somewhere much better than I’ve ever expected or ever wanted. So I’m kinda hoping that they’re right.

What I know for sure though is that I’ve definitely fallen for you. There’s no one else in my line of sight.

In a sea of people, I only see you. 

I just hope you see me too. But only time will tell, I guess. And whatever happens, I will have no regrets. We’ll see though, we’ll see. 

I can’t wait to see you. 

(Ugh, this whole “Love in the Time of COVID-19″ is just unreal. Wait, is this love?) 

[ahyungslife]

2020.08.27.

The past twenty-three days have been amazing. And yet, for some reason, right now, I feel sad.

I don’t know why, and I’m sitting here trying to figure out what it is that’s making me feel this way. Maybe it’s because it feels too good to be true - what if I’m just wasting my time? It doesn’t feel real. 

I don’t know. Maybe I’m just at a point in my life where I just want to have something real. And my head is just filling up with so many “what if’s”: what if this isn’t going to work out? What if we finally meet and you actually don’t like me at all? What if the distance is too much to keep it going long-term? 

It sucks because I’m so particular, to the point where I feel like if I feel like I have found the person who can complete me, who can make me grow as an individual and still grow together with that person...isn’t distance irrelevant? 

My heart really wishes and hopes that you are the one. Just from our conversations, literally everyday, it feels like I have found what it is I’ve been looking for. But are conversations, similarities, the same likes and dislikes, the same career goals, the same ambitions, the same prospects - are these enough to indicate that you might have found your soulmate? I mean, I joined a gym and have been busting my ass just trying to get to some physical point where I might be desirable enough too. But what if I’m not?

Maybe that’s why I’m sad. Maybe I’m just tired. 

I guess, we’ll find out on September 11. What I do know is that at this point, I’ll take this chance. Because the other ‘what if’ I’m thinking of is what if you are the one?

Time will tell, and maybe this doubt will be answered in 15 days...

[ahyungslife]

2020.08.20.

I’m definitely falling for you.

In our conversation yesterday, we were talking about each other’s personality traits, and you said that you were also a little ‘clingy’, and that there are times when you sometimes forget that you’re in public and you will show your affection to someone you love, because at that moment, only for a few seconds, you would only see them...

...and then you would realize that you are not home and would start laughing and run.

You are making it soooo hard to not fall for you. I just hope you like me when we meet in three weeks!

I’m really looking forward to meeting, in-person, for the first time.

22 days!

R

[ahyungslife]

2020.08.18.

You are incredible. It’s only been two weeks and they’ve been the best conversation I’ve had in a long time. 

It’s crazy how aligned we are in so many ways. It actually feels good to talk to someone who is just, on the same wavelength on so many aspects of life. So, thank you Tinder!

It’s freaky enough though that I don’t know if it’s real. Or that if you’ll like me. We’re set to meet on the 12th next month, so I guess we’ll know soon enough. And I’m furiously working out, which is great because even if it’s shallow motivation, it’s motivation nonetheless.

I really hope you like me. Because so far, I really, really like you. And I think I’ve allowed myself to cross the point-of-no-return because more and more, I don’t know if I can imagine my life without you...

R

[ahyungslife]

2020.08.11.

You are literally the cutest. And I base that statement on a) humouring me by answering my “quiz”, and b) your face. LOL. You make me happy.

What is that one thing in the world that makes you feel like you’re truly alive?

As strange as it may sound like ... Id say stress. Theres good stress and bad stress but I like the overall stress because it fuel me to push myself. It really does make me feel alive and I always sleep like a baby after I un-”wine” and talk about my day. Its sort of an accomplishment kind of feeling.

If you could travel with one thing, what would it be? 

My passport! Without a passport there’s nowhere you can go. Then I can always beg for money ... easy.

Ryan Gosling or Ryan Reynolds?

[my name LOL]?

Broadway shows or movies?

Broadway show ! 

Boxers or briefs?

I am 95% boxers. 5% briefs. I was told I needed to be more gayy so friends brought me nice briefs and Im only allowed to wear that if I meet them.

What is your go-to song at karaoke?

Don’t wanna close my eyes - Aerosmith

Solve for x in the following equation: 5x - 6 = 3x - 8

Im sure Ill fuck this up ... x= -1

How many glasses of water did you drink today?

I had my first liter and Im working on my 2nd usually try to drink 2-3 liters every day. Ive been told it makes your skin glow and prevent hair loss :P

If you had to choose between your dream job and love, what would you choose?

Neither. I don’t want to choose between what makes me happy or accomplished. So Ill opt for the best compromise. But it could change. I was willing to give up everything for my ex and move to Korea to start fresh. But things didn’t work out and well and it just turned out better this way. 

Am I making things awkward right now?

Nope. You are fun :)

You are awesome, AA1. :) Just wait until the next set of questions.... >:)

R

[ahyungslife]

2020.08.10.

Well, well, well. We meet again, electronic journal that is publicly available and probably infringing on my privacy.

It’s been almost two years, and a ton of shit went down. Some great moments, some “hmm, I shouldn’t have done that” moments...but no regrets. Not a damn one.

Ever since I broke up with my ex last year, I’ve learned a lot about myself: I know what I’m looking for even more now, and even though I’ve dated here and there, my emotional longing for a long-term relationship has remained. 

But it’s so hard to find “the one”. I’ve moved to the city, I’ve tried to jump back into that relationship life again, but each time so far, it’s never made me feel complete, at least, not in the same way I felt when I met my ex. Now, I know for a fact that my ex is not who I want to be with, and we’re really great friends. I love the idea of who they were, but the emotional readiness was not something they were ready to give (or had). Which is fine and I’ve accepted that - we were just at different stages in life and I appreciate that through that honesty, we were still able to be best friends. 

Which brings me to today: I turned a year older, and the battle to find “the one” is still ongoing. I feel like I’ve searched this city for this person, but haven’t felt that connection, that ‘spark’. Until I started to talking to AA. 

I started talking to AA through a dating app, and I was skeptical and even kind of desensitized from conversations that I was having on that app. TBH, I thought it was just going to be another case of shallow convos that would just die after a few days. 

But this one was different. Very much different.

The dynamic from the get-go was different from the rest. They were engaged in the conversation, we figured out some pretty unique similarities that I never thought I’d find beyond myself...I have this interesting skill, where I can “size up” a person, in the same way Eva Green did to James Bond in Casino Royale; just look at a person from head to toe and figure out their clothing and shoe sizes. A seemingly useless skill, but at this point, I was like ‘whatevs, shoot yo shot” and I did not hold back. The crazy thing that still feels beyond me is that they shot back - and it shifted my convo gauge from ‘you have my curiosity’ to ‘you now have my attention’ (-Leo Di Caprio, Django LOL). 

Since then, and granted, it’s only day 6 today of convos, it’s been a constant barrage of texts and interesting discussions.

The interesting thing is that AA does not live near me, but in another part of the country. Although, it’s not a crazy distance, per se; still drivable without it costing all of your time. And I would’ve thought that distance would be a dealbreaker for me, but since our convo, I’ve concluded that this distance is still doable. 

Long story short: I’m falling for the idea of who they are. It almost seems too good to be true, and to be honest, I’m prepared for it to just die-off, because it’s that too good to be true. But they check-off every box on my picky list of things I look for in a person: they’re ambitious, they’re hardworking, they’re genuine, they’re hilarious, they’re easy on the eyes - what’s not to love, right?

But, like every life lesson I’ve been shot with, there are some takeaways to this experience:

distance is not a dealbreaker if that person is potentially ‘the one’ that will complement your life

be your best self and always be honest

don’t hold back, just be you and if that person scares off, well - you don’t want a person like that.

Day 6 - I know, you’re going to think I’m totally insane to have made these conclusions about this person so fast. Truthfully, we haven’t even met yet. But the past six days have motivated me to work hard at my career, keep up my heart-health and workout regularly, and, perhaps the biggest takeaway of them all: that maybe they’re the one. 

Maybe.

Here’s to hoping. I hope that the next post I write will only be about more great things. 

I’m hopeful. (Again! Yay :P)

[ahyungslife]

2018.11.14.

“On reflection, I think that’s what love is,

all the things I used to enjoy on my own,

I now want to share with you.”

I love you 🙂