I've been ghosting this account for so long, I didn't write anything, but today I wanna write about myself.. about my experience from childhood up till now. I wanna talk about the misogyny and abuse I faced growing up. So if you're not interested don't read
Okay let's start with what I remember from childhood
- when I turned 9, my mom forbade me from wearing miniskirts or tank tops, saying that I'm starting to develop a woman's body and I should dress more modestly.
I had started growing breasts at that age, tiny little child bumps, that a decent human being wouldn't sexualize. And that made my nipple stand out more, so I was obliged to wear two layers of clothing on top so the outline of my nipples or my tiny bumps doesn't show up.
- at the age of 10, I remember one evening after my final exams, I went to eat ice cream with my friends as a little celebration. I didn't have a cellphone or anything to inform my parents that I was gonna go with friends and be late for half an hour. My dad started looking for me, he found me and brought me home. I got a beating that I still remember. All because I went for ice cream with friends without permission.
I was so sheltered and isolated from other people that I barely kept friends. Because all I was allowed to do is stay home, do solo activities, never hang out or play with friends outside.
- at the age of 11, using my mom's vocabulary, I was "developing some ass". So that automatically means that I have to cover it. I was not allowed to wear any top that doesn't fully cover my ass.
- at the age of 12, I had an innocent crush on a boy. I never told him or did anything about it. I only wrote in my diary about him. One day I was going with my dad and sister somewhere and I had a little notebook with me. I was bored, so I started doodling. I got carried away and I wrote :" I love you, [the boy's name]". When we got out of the car, I dropped my notebook in the car. I didn't think much about it and left it there, so I can pick it up when I'm back. When I was back I didn't find it, and I got scared because what if my dad finds it ? And he reads that I love a boy ? I'm screwed.
My fears were right because when we got home, my dad confronted me with the notebook saying:" I didn't raise this way ! To fall in love with boys like some whore! You're not my daughter and I don't love you!". Those were his exact words. I was devastated to hear that he doesn't love me for something like that ? I didn't do anything wrong. I was a child who discovered feelings and I didn't do anything shameful or anything that makes me less worthy of his love. The first thing I did was rush towards my diary, I ripped off the pages I wrote about my crush and flushed them down the toilet. My mom then went through my diary to see if I've got more to hide, and found nothing.
That was the day I learned that I have absolutely no privacy, and I'm not loved unconditionally by my parents.
- at the age of 13, I was walking home from school with my friend. Everyday we walk the same path, and that path happens to have my brother's workplace. When I got home, my brother stormed in after me. He went straight to my mom yelling that his friend (35 y.o at that time) was looking at me inappropriately because I'm not covering up. He said that I should start wearing the Hijab. My mom didn't argue or try to be on my side. She just reported what he said to me :" just do what your brother said or he's gonna beat you, I won't be responsible when that happens. I won't stop him".
I cried my eyes out that day, because how is that my fault ? A 35 y.o man sexualizing a child, and you blame the child for it ?? What kind of fucked up mindset is that ? He's normal for sexualizing me, but I'm not normal for existing as a child ? She won't even protect me from my brother if he beats me. THEY'RE PROTECTING THE PREDATORS INSTEAD OF THE CHILD !!!
- at the age of 14, my dad took me to the doctor because I was sick. Then he drove me back home to pick up my backpack so I could go back to school. I enter the house, I pass my brother (same brother as earlier) who was washing up in the bathroom. He yells :" where were you ??". I ignore him and try to walk to the living room where my mom is sitting. He gets pissed that I ignored him, he attacks me and pin me against the wall and chokes me while calling me names until I pass out (literally I'm not even exaggerating). My mom is just there watching like this is another Tuesday, doesn't say a thing. When I gain back consciousness, I find myself still on the floor where he choked me. And my mom stands beside me and that's all she says:" get your bag and go to school." That's it.
She doesn't care to ask about my safety or the fact that I was at the doctor and I'm sick or that her son was trying to kill me because I bruised his ego.. none of that mattered to her. I picked up my backpack and walked to school with my teary eyes and my throat still hurting from his grip.
-at the age of 15, during summer break I was just sitting at home watching anime on my tablet. My second brother barges in towards me talking with a threatening tone :"are you dating [guy name] ?" And I was like no, I didn't date anyone. Because deep down I know they're gonna beat the shit out of me If I did. Then he kept questioning me and then he went to my mom and told her that his friend told him I'm dating a guy, and that I'm lying and trying to cover up my relationship. My mom then believes him without listening to me, they take away my tablet and forbid me from leaving the house for a long time.
The retrieved tablet automatically goes to this second brother. He takes it without the intention of giving it back, he deletes everything I had there and just claims it as his own.
It's not until a year later that my mom gives it back to me, and I'm upset about everything he deleted.
- at the same age 15. I had a crush on a boy from my class. I tried to get close to him but he rejected me. I should've taken that as a no and moved on, but I kept pushing. Eventually I started talking to his older brother (30 y.o), thinking that maybe getting close to his brother will eventually get me close to him. I started chatting with the older brother and eventually we started dating online for a while.
I never realized that was fucked up until I became an adult. I thought it was cool I got to date an older guy, but that's just abuse and disgusting
-at the age of 16, one afternoon I did my hair and I wore new earrings my mom got me. I really felt pretty, and I didn't ask anyone about their opinion about my looks. I say down in the living room, my dad was sitting there. He said :" oh you got a new haircut?" Then he laughed and said :"don't waste time putting effort into your looks, you're ugly anyway". And kept laughing.
I had to shrug it off and smile as if it was a joke. But internally, it tore me apart. How could he say that about his own daughter? Even if you did think I was ugly, you should never say that. It really affected my image for a very long time. I stopped looking at mirrors because I hated it, every time I looked at my reflection, his words echoed in my head.
- at the age of 22, very recently, I was doing my makeup in the living room. I was sitting there alone, until my second brother decided to sit there too. My mom came up to me and said :" you should be ashamed, how dare you apply makeup in front of your brother ??!!!"
I snapped back saying:" I didn't do anything wrong ! What's wrong with wearing makeup ? It's not a sin ! It's not a crime ! How is it wrong that I wear makeup, but it's not wrong that my brother is laying there with his legs spread out wearing those tiny shorts with his thighs out ??" She said without hesitation that my brother did nothing wrong, he never did anything wrong. I'm being overdramatic and I'm shameless. That's it. She's so misogynistic that she worships men even though they treat her like garbage.
Sometimes I feel sorry for how she gets treated, but then I remember that she's the one tolerating that behavior and encouraging it. She deserves it.
Ugh I wrote a lot, but I had to get it out of my system. I hate this household, I hate being abused and shamed for existing. I'm human too. I have a lot more to say, to share, but I'll stop here today.
This is my voice! Please hear me !
