The diary of the yellow alien

If you found this blog then I welcome you in my abyss. 🇨🇦

[aiyieeneyak]

I tried to be productive today. So I picked up paint by numbers that I put on hold since mamang's death but painting today is emotional. I've been crying while painting. I'm feeling so lonely and depressed but if I stay in bed I would feel more worst. This feeling is exhausting af. 😞

[aiyieeneyak]

I'm by myself today and my mind is ramble different thoughts. I'm teary while im doing my exercise. My mood is everywhere right now.

[aiyieeneyak]

I dreamed of mamang today. The first dream since she was gone. In my dream, she was with me helping me buy stuff. I was supposed to fly somewhere far. In sometime she stop and sat down telling me to check some clothes and essentials. I told her i do not need to buy anything in that department and we need to keep going but I noticed she was tired. I asked her if she is okay and if she is feeling tired but she refused to answer directly. She smile and said she is okay. I went up to her, touch her face and felt she was burning hot. She was having high fever. I insisted she is not well but she said she wanted to accompanied me in buying stuff. I was worried then. I asked questioned and eventually she admitted that her head is so painful that she can't take it. We went home and I look for medications and I went to her room and she was smiling reassuring me it was okay. I felt like crying and the dream ended. I woke up feeling hollow in my chest. I can't explain the emptiness I am feeling. My being refused to cry but I needed release that is why I'm writing this right now.

[aiyieeneyak]

I still don’t understand how you’re gone. My mind knows the words, but my heart refuses to accept them. It feels wrong—like the world made a mistake and never corrected it. I keep thinking there will be a moment where everything makes sense again… but it hasn’t come.

Losing you hurts in a way I wasn’t prepared for. You weren’t just someone I loved—you were someone who made life feel safer. And now that safety is gone, and I feel exposed, heavier, sadder than I let anyone see. The depression feels deeper lately, like grief opened a door and never closed it.

Some days I’m functioning, but inside I’m breaking quietly. Other days, even breathing feels like work. I miss you in the smallest moments—the ones no one else would notice. I miss the version of me that existed when you were still here.

I wish I could tell you how much I need you. I wish you knew how lost I feel without you. If love could reach across whatever space you’re in now, I hope you can feel mine—because it hasn’t gone anywhere. Neither have you, really. You live in the way I love, the way I ache, the way I keep going even when I don’t want to.

I’m not okay yet. Maybe I won’t be for a while. But I’m still here. And today, that has to be enough.

[aiyieeneyak]

A month since you're gone and still I don't understand. My mind knows the words, but my heart refuses to accept them. It feels wrong—like the world made a mistake and never corrected it. I keep thinking there will be a moment where everything makes sense again… but it hasn’t come.

Losing you hurts in a way I wasn’t prepared for. You weren’t just someone I loved—you were someone who made life feel safer. And now that safety is gone, and I feel exposed, heavier, sadder than I let anyone see. The depression feels deeper lately, like grief opened a door and never closed it.

Some days I’m functioning, but inside I’m breaking quietly. Other days, even breathing feels like work. I miss you in the smallest moments—the ones no one else would notice. I miss the version of me that existed when you were still here.

I wish I could tell you how much I need you. I wish you knew how lost I feel without you. If love could reach across whatever space you’re in now, I hope you can feel mine—because it hasn’t gone anywhere. Neither have you, really. You live in the way I love, the way I ache, the way I keep going even when I don’t want to.

I’m not okay yet. Maybe I won’t be for a while. But I’m still here. And today, that has to be enough.

[aiyieeneyak]

[aiyieeneyak]

I feel really down today seeing mamang like this. I my heart is worried and depressed. If only I can help him. My prayers are always with you mang. I love you 🙏

[aiyieeneyak]

[aiyieeneyak]

8:15am

I woke up feeling sluggish, restless and down today. I could feel my emotions spiraling. I went to the washroom to void and checked my husband in the game room. I did not bother to say good morning and just went straight to bed AGAIN. My inner voice is pulling me back to sleep but my body is fighting to be awake. I ended up doom scrolling for an hour until negative thoughts and unhealthy emotions rushed like waves of tsunami into me.

I called my husband in whisper but he did not hear me so I walked like a zombie towards him in the game room. He saw me and he knew that I was having my episode. When I felt his warm hug my tears started to fall. I broke down and sobbed like a child. "I don't know why I'm sad" I told him. He stated we go back to bed so I'm comfortable. We laid down to bed and he positioned himself so he can hug me. His comfortable arms wrapped around me. He let me cry for a long time. I cried so hard while telling him all my self doubt and unhelpful thinking. My depression was talking and consuming me so hard today.

He listened without judgement while his hands rubs my back warmly. His words "you are safe" ring in my ears like a lullaby. I could feel his worry and love towards me. He encouraged me if we can have a walk in the neighbourhood to get some sunlight and fresh air. At first I decline but I remember his words before to never let depression consume me.

After half an hour we went out and walk. We talk different things. He distract my attention with our dreams and goals. Sunlight hit my face and made my mood a little better. We went to starbucks to get breakfast afterwards. When we got home from the walk my mood was calmer.

I am truly lucky to have a husband that cares for me and willing to be with me in this rollercoaster chapter of my life. ❤️

[aiyieeneyak]

[aiyieeneyak]

I am choosing who chooses me.

[aiyieeneyak]

𝙷𝚊𝚙𝚙𝚢 𝙱𝚒𝚛𝚝𝚑𝚍𝚊𝚢 𝙿𝚘𝚐𝚒! 𝙼𝚢 𝚕𝚒𝚏𝚎 𝚠𝚘𝚞𝚕𝚍𝚗'𝚝 𝚋𝚎 𝚠𝚑𝚘𝚕𝚎 𝚠𝚒𝚝𝚑𝚘𝚞𝚝 𝚢𝚘𝚞. 𝚂𝚘 𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚎'𝚜 𝚝𝚘 𝚢𝚘𝚞! 𝚃𝚘 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚋𝚛𝚒𝚕𝚕𝚒𝚊𝚗𝚌𝚎, 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚔𝚒𝚗𝚍𝚗𝚎𝚜𝚜, 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚜𝚝𝚛𝚎𝚗𝚐𝚝𝚑, 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚛𝚕𝚊𝚜𝚝𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚌𝚑𝚊𝚛𝚖. 𝙹𝚎 𝚝'𝚊𝚒𝚖𝚎 𝚖𝚘𝚗 𝚊𝚖𝚘𝚞𝚛 ♥️ 📢 Thank you @ar_cakehouse for the awesome keto cake! 🎂 https://www.instagram.com/p/CMBr_KjA3itXk2uOcZfzq8e8KNQW_B4yWSOyPQ0/?igshid=1qkdbdjzw9zwd

[aiyieeneyak]

I will make an effort to the people who choose me and make time for me.

If you text me, I'll text you.

If you call me, I'll call you.

I'll reciprocate what you show me.

Thank you sa mga iilang taong nagmamahal at sumusuporta sakin at hindi ako iniiwan.

I'll stick with you until the end. 💛

[aiyieeneyak]

To my fellow superheroes,

My journey with you has ended. Writing this is heartbreaking for me. I wish you guys well in life. I wanted to be there on each of your milestones but unfortunately I can't anymore for I become the bad guy.

I will say it again. I don't web lies. I analyze your actions and words. If that makes me a master manipulator then I can't really do anything. Explaining my side is useless.

Remember, hindi lang ako ang may sinabi sa bawat isa. Alam niyo sa sarili niyong naglabas din kayo at nanglait sa bawat isa. You laugh hard to the point of being teary pag ginojoke natin ang bawat isa.

Me not knowing that account and finding it just now is really painful. Ni wala kayong sinabi. That's not being a friend. I protected each one of you on my own ways. I've been there for you during your lowest point in those 2 years we have been friends but sa isang pagkakamali you guys judge me. Not saying anything is a sin too.

You guys told me to grow and start saying how I feel. I let you in. I let you see the different versions of me. I let myself be comfortable and vulnerable with you. Akala ko matatanggap niyo ako but unfortunately you just wanted the bubbly, happy-go-lucky, motivational version of me. I can't continue being with a person who can't accept, forgive and judge me. Each one of you mean so much and it pains me to the core.

I am writing this with a heavy heart. I love you soulmates. My pledge is pure. Until our next lifetime. ♥️

P.S

Just letting you know, I finally told 'him' the secret.

[aiyieeneyak]

This was a great work of art. 🎨👩‍🎨

I will miss you squad.

#movingforward

[aiyieeneyak]

It was the very first poem I have ever received in my life. Looking at this makes me happy for all the memories that we shared and sad for deciding to let go of a friend.

For just 2 years, a big difference was made.

Fellow,

Thank you for everything. I wish you well.

Carlita 💛

[aiyieeneyak]

01.17.21

I am so relieved.

That feeling that you do not have anymore hidden secrets with your husband.

I've finally told him. 😊

I'm lucky to have him in my life.