Barnacle Words

The wife of James Joyce wrote filthy things for the man she loved. So do I.

[ajlovestowrite]

OK but how much better would the Astarion prequel book be if it was C.S. Pacat doing the writing...?

No shade to T. Kingfisher - I can't do what she does and you can't either (probably)! - but I just can't stop thinking about the lack of sensuality in her writing.

She does SWEET heroes, mostly. All her romance is like handholding and mild cuddles. There's nothing wrong with that! And I get that some people are True Ace and not just, like, Gen-Z puritans cosplaying as LGBTQ. But Kingfisher's work doesn't scream sensuality to me at all.

Astarion's story starts as man before vampire. What about him attracted Cazador? It wasn't innocence. It wasn't sweetness.

I think Astarion has a lot in common with Laurent. Both pre- and post-Marlas.

Think about: Beauty, youth, and an enduring spirit define these two men. Both are targeted by someone old and power-hungry who looks at their "twinkness" for lack of a more succinct term as an invitation to exploit them. It's bullshit and abusive and totally unfair...

And it's how a lot of women feel. Which is why, as a demographic, they latch onto characters like Astarion and Laurent even when they are insufferable, rude, violent, assholes.

Can T. Kingfisher do that? Maybe.

Can she do it as well as C.S. Pacat? Doubtful.

...sigh... I guess I'll just have to wait until September to form an actual opinion. Like a normal, sane adult and shit.

[ajlovestowrite]

My book turns 3 and I turn 43

It's never too late to Do The Thing.

tl;dr - My bestselling epic fantasy Witch King's Oath is free on Kindle from July 5 - to July 9.

The long part: In 2025, I left my literal dream job in video games to pursue another dream job of being a fantasy author.

There's a LOT more to that story but the subtext is something I wish more people knew: You can live all your childhood dreams.

You just have to learn to change the way you view those dreams.

"Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted." --Randy Pausch

I once spent a whole workday crying to Randy Pausch's "Last Lecutre" - a soul-crushing lecture delivered by the late professor to his video game cohort at Carnegie Mellon. In it, he explains how he was able to live all his childhood dreams by taking limits off his imagination, learning from letdowns, and -- IMO the most important point -- being specific with what you wanted out of that dream.

A lot of people dream of being authors. But it won't mean the same thing to all of us. To me, it's defiance. Self-indulgence. A hard-earned right to tell whatever stories I want to whoever the fuck wants to hear them.

I no longer need to listen to my mother, my English teacher, or my boss about what I *should* write.

I CAN PUMP OUT ALL THE GAY FAIRY SMUT AND BARELY DISGUISED MISTS OF AVALON FANFIC THAT I CARE TO, AND I DON'T NEED TO WORRY ABOUT IT SHOWING UP ON A RESUME ANYMORE!!!!

I sincerely doubt I'm winning any Pulitzers with this approach. But my dream is now specific, concrete, and might even spawn some of its own ao3 fic someday.

That reframing opened the door for Witch King's Oath in 2023. My dream made specific, my limitations removed.

And to celebrate the book turning 3 while I turn 43, I have it for free on Kindle from July 5 to July 9.

I hope you'll pick up a copy and participate in the dream I had of being an author.

[ajlovestowrite]

When I was young, I used to think I'd never get what I want.

I worried I would be unhappy.

Now I am old, and I have everything I want.

And I worry because I am unhappy.

[ajlovestowrite]

I almost DNF'd Klara and the Sun

I get nervous when I don't like popular books.

Am I uncultured? Am I dumb? Am I too uptight...? Why does everyone else like this !@#$ing book but ME?!

Klara and the Sun is a sci-fi noble from Nobel-fucking-Prize-winning author Kazuo Ishiguro. Klara's an android bought to be playmate to a terminally ill girl. The plot heads in what I thought was a pretty obvious direction -- but then about halfway through the book, the author STOPS showing and STARTS telling.

Everything up until the waterfall part (IYKYK) is very well shown through Klara's limited understanding of the world: AI's impact on culture, Josie's illness, Chrissy's grief. We don't need Ishiguro to tell us why these things matter or what impact they have on Klara's story.

But, again for no real reason that what seems like fatigue, we get to the point where Chrissy takes Josie and Klara to see her "portrait" and the Big Questions of Robot Plots all smack you straight in the face. On the author pops that bubble -- which IS a trope and HAS been done in sci books, comics, and movies before -- the guy just spends the next 40% of the book word-vomiting really good quotes that TELL the reader what to think and how to feel about the world he just showed us.

No idea what happened there. Maybe the author got bored. Maybe he was on deadline. Maybe, once you win a Nobel Prize in literature and have one of your books turned into a BAFTA-winning movie, you just don't have to TRY anymore... But this wasn't the 5-star book I was expecting based on the author, the premise, or the prose (which was fantastic).

Sigh. On to the next soon-to-be-DNF.

[ajlovestowrite]

Author life update

I haven't really got the hang of doing these as Reels. But I just found out I have a Sept. publication date for a book I sold back in 2023 -- and I'm trying to get more beta readers for a sequel to my debut fantasy book...

And it might be time to hire somebody. I know they tell authors never to do this unless and until you're in the black with your book sales. But if I wait for THAT to happen, I might actually finish this midlife crisis before I can "afford" it.

Truth is - I can afford it. I'm motherfuckin' retired with mad bank from DECADES of all work and no play. So why not treat this as "play?" Other retirees buy boats - I'll hire a book marketer that doesn't suck.

KILL A KING IN EIGHT EASY STEPS is a romantasy I wrote as satire of SHADOWS BETWEEN US only for adults. I was very angry with BookTok at the time for ramming YA down my throat when I wanted Game of Thrones-alikes. This is a story of an aspiring assassin who falls in love with the crown prince while plotting regicide. It's deeply inspired by Tony McNamara's The Favourite and Sofia Coppola's Marie Antoinette. Think bitchy royals sleeping around with debauched revolutionists, plus or minus some murder. Slowburn, enemies-to-lovers*, explicit/open-door spice.

This is the one I'd hire somebody to help me promote. I only earn royalties once the publisher recoups their up-front costs. Based on how it's gone with their other books, I think my best bet is to drive up wishlists as high as I can so I can start earning sooner.

Whatever I learn here can also be applied to my other books...

HERESY OF ARCHMAGES is the sequel to WITCH KING'S OATH. We pick up with Anryn going to war to rescue Maertyn while Ciamon, Griff, and Beatrice race to stop it. High-agnst, high-stakes epic fantasy with the right amount of romantic subplot. Think MISTS OF AVALON x GAME OF THRONES. This is one I'd build a campaign for starting with making Book 1 free for a limited time to get people onto my newsletter.

Last, THE KING'S VIRTUE... I need to finish writing it. I only have about 25% left -- the third act breakup (both justified and necessary), and the grovel/resolution. This is the book I wrote to fill the CAPTIVE PRINCE-sized hole in my heart. Heavily influenced by Baldur's Gate 3 and Knight of the Seven Kingdoms. I'm not sure if I can query this successfully in the current market... but it's worth a shot. *enemies-to-lovers but the psycho kind. Like... he doesn't KNOW they are enemies at first... And when he finds out, he's like, "God that's HOT."

[ajlovestowrite]

Modern Parenting: "I need you to disagree with me about important things like God and NOT disagree with me about unimportant things like what shoes you were wearing yesterday."

[ajlovestowrite]

I don't need a grovel. I need retaliation.

[ajlovestowrite]

Star Fox Fanfic Made me a Paid Author

True story: I got busted in 8th grade for writing NSFW Star Fox fanfic.

I wrote it for a friend who was just dipping his toe into furry subculture. In 1998, we didn't have a lot of options for fanfic. So if he wanted to read a story about a hot, anthropomorphic guy getting laid, he had to pay someone he knew IRL to write it!

Chris paid me $20 and I had until the end of the day. Took me two periods to write a short rescue story between Slippy and Flaco and I don't mind telling you he had a HUGE bird 🍆 because that's what I thought my friend wanted to hear about.

He did. And he decided doing this IN CLASS was the best way to experience it. And my dumbass decided to SIGN the damn thing with my REAL NAME.

Parents were called. Binders were confiscated. It was like a whole thing, man...

My mother had to come pick me up from detention. The school I went to was Christian-flavored so they told her to tell me it was wrong to write NSFW stuff.

But my mother is a real one. She didn't care about the sex, she didn't care about not paying attention in actual school.

She was mad I infringed on the Star Fox copyright. I got a huge lecture about how fanfic would end me up in jail, and it was creatively bankrupt to write someone else's characters.

(This is the same woman who just sent me an article on Madeline Miller's Circe with a note that said, "You could have written Circe, honey...")

YEARS LATER while working as a games journalist I met Star Fox game director Dylan Cuthbert. I told him this story, I told him how mad my mother got...

And he said: "I'm only offended you put Falco with Slippy. Why wouldn't you make the story about Star Fox?"

My fourth book goes on sale this year.

[ajlovestowrite]

YAY KYOU LIVES! Was so worried I'd wake up one day to tragic news... My poor little Millenial heart can only take so much!

But instead I see this x-posted from X to Reddit and now I can breathe a little easier.

Translated by DeepL:

Hello, this is Kyō. <Shutline> will resume serialization on May 23.

Since undergoing surgery last September, I’ve had to deal with various minor health issues, and my recovery period has been longer than initially expected. My health has now improved significantly. I sincerely thank all the readers who have waited so patiently. I will do my best to work hard until the very end to bring this to a satisfying conclusion. I hope you all stay healthy and have a wonderful day. Thank you.

Now we're finally going to get some resolution to Shin passing out mid-coitus. Where IS Jake taking him...? And are we ever going to see a 'verse with these two or is Kyou just going to keep teasing it...

Either way, glad Shutline is back!

[meanbossart]

The Astarion book is, at its core, "fan fiction".

That's not a way for me to diminish it, it is still a story. It might be well written, it might not, but neither Larian nor any of the original writers have had nothing to do with it. It's a published expounding based on someone's interpretation of the events like many DnD based story books are, that you can choose to implement into your interpretations or completely ignore.

The bottom line, is that WOtC bought BG3 with money. It is up to you if capital dictates who has true ownership over art - personally, to me, I would rather not do that.

And fun fact: even if the book had been written or at least outlined by Stephen Rooney or any other of the talented people at Larian, you could still choose to completely ditch it,

Because none of it is real 💫

Edit: I'm glad Rooney had SOME involvement in the book! That does not change my point whatsoever though, if you read carefully.

[ajlovestowrite]

I'm going to read the sample at least. I liked Nettle & Bone but found Swordheart too YA and Paladin's Grace too dull.

T.Kingfisher doesn't have a track record for spice. Or sex. Or dark sexual themes. ALL of which are intrinsic to an Astarion prequel where he's used by Cazador to lure victims with sex.

But she can write atmosphere. And horror. And humor. And like many folks on the autism spectrum, she's an accomplished mimic. So... *maybe* the book won't suck. And *definitely* Neil Newborn will bring his A game for the audiobook.

If Larian's never going to make another Baldur's Gate, then this might be all we get 🫠

[ajlovestowrite]

Questing for a new cat

Not really related to my usual Captive Prince talk but tumblr is basically my new livejournal now that FB is dead to me and LinkedIn is just... weird.

I'm not over Lola. She was the cat love of my life - a chance adoption when I was a QA tester at Sony in the mid-00s who lived to the ripe old age of 23 (!!) in my care. She was with me for breakups, layoffs, miscarriages -- and eventually a house, a marriage, and a baby (but not in that order). She would sit in my lap, sleep under my arm, and eat my food if I dared to look away for even a second. Fat and sassy, she was also True Gangsta when it came to meeting my now-husband's cats and surviving thyroid cancer.

I miss her every day. And I get sad interacting with other cats because no matter how awesome they are - they are not Lola.

This is making it REALLY HARD to adopt a new cat. Our family needs one because Penguin, the 4-year-old we brought home as a companion to the late Colonel Katz, is now an only cat and he dislikes it. He's anxious and lonely and really, REALLY want to play.

So we're back in the cat adoption trenches to search for a match. I've met almost a dozen sweethearts across a few different shelters. A few I met today seem like they'd be great fits for my home and my family!

...but none of them are Lola. No one will ever be Lola. And sometimes I think I'm broken because you're not supposed to get so hung up on one cat (or boyfriend or apartment) that you can't open your heart to something new.

But I'm struggling. And I don't know how to stop.

[ajlovestowrite]

Yashiro x Doumeki and the eternal draw of damaged people

Twittering Birds Never Fly (囀る鳥は羽ばたかない) is one of the longest-running manga I've ever kept up with. I think only Blade of the Immortal comes close for how invested I am in the will they/won't they.

Near zero chance you're reading my tumblr without already knowing the story. But just in case: Yashiro is a yakuza mini boss and Damage Incarnate who hires an ex-cop with an impotence problem to be his bodyguard. Doumeki conceives a platonic hero-worship obsession with Yashiro that eventually cures his impotence and yadda-yadda-near-death-yadda, the devotion turns into romance.

It's fraught and convoluted. There are hundreds of moments throughout the 8+ volumes of story where I just want to shake Yashiro.

"HE LOVES YOU. WHY ARE YOU RUINING THAT? OMFG JUST QUIT THE YAKUZA, YOU DON'T EVEN LIKE IT AND YOU ARE FUCKING 40, GET IT TOGETHER."

etc.

But still I go back.

There's a magnetism to Yashiro's trauma that reminds me of Laurent from Captive Prince. Both are victims of child SA from a family member. Both rise to positions of power in corrupt systems with strict hierarchies.

And yet... Yashiro is twice Laurent's age. His commitment to his maladaptive hypersexuality runs deep and is tied directly to his position in the Yakuza. Even with Doumeki's second confession ("Do you really think I could fall for anyone but you?"), we know Yashiro is gonna do something crazy...

And I am SAT for it.

(New issue comes out tomorrow....!)

P.S. About Blade of the Immortal... Fuck you for that Rin/Manji kiss, Samura-sensei. You know what you did.

[ajlovestowrite]

Song of Achilles isn't doing it for me

Whoever tried to call this book a Captive Prince comp lied through their teeth.

I can appreciate a Gay Achilles. The Greeks were down and I imagine plenty of women in antiquity appreciated all that artwork just like they do nowadays.

But I can't get behind the depiction of Patroclus. He's written almost as "woman in generic fantasy book" -- he yearns, feels, angsts, yearns some more, then becomes a healer to stay useful to boyfriend because, "I'm too DELICATE to fight in a BATTLE."

And the sex scenes are so vague, the anatomy doesn't even matter.

Captive Prince has similarities in the rich language and the historical-adjacent fantasy setting. But it depicts a relationship between two men who occupy male roles in their respective societies. Neither of them expresses particularly feminine traits. And as much as Damen eventually yearns for Laurent... He is grounded in action, not angst.

I'm dragging myself through the last 40% of Song of Achilles. Not because I think it improves, but because I AM curious how the book handles Patroclus dying.

But this doesn't read as a satisfying M/M romance to me at all. It reads more like a reskinned M/F romance.

[ajlovestowrite]

When Prince's Gambit clicked on for me

"Violence slid across the men like oil waiting for a flame."

This was the line -- in chapter 2 -- that made me sit down and really READ this book. Before this line, I didn't rate Captive Prince. Everyone else liked it but I bounced off book 1.

I can't even remember why I picked up book 2. I didn't bother to read the "story so far" summary or the dramatis personae -- I just started scrolling. I knew from the hype machine behind the series that the story is about a captive prince in the custody of another prince who hates his guts. But all the details (Auguste, the Regent's kinks, Nicaise and Laurent's trauma bond) didn't play a role getting me hooked.

It was the language. The prose CS Pacat uses is a unique mix of high falutin' word choice and emotional percision. Where other "fanfic-style" books are dialog heavy and a mishmash of irrelevant details, Pacat kept it tight and flowing. It made me feel smart while never talking down to me.

Newer "adult fantasy books for women" don't do this. I was SORELY dissappointed in The Poet Empress, The Knight and the Moth, The Second Death of Locke, and Ten Thousand Doors of January. All of which are highly praised books! ...but every single one reads like "YA but spicy!"

I don't like being talked down to. I resent the idea that "fantasy for women" is somehow less than "fantasy for men." And I'm deeply suspicious of books with FMCs purported to be over 25 who have the emotional maturity of 13-year-olds.

This feeds into my wish that there were more books like Prince's Gambit out there to read.

[ajlovestowrite]

Current trad publishing skeezes me out

I got busted in 8th grade for writing NSFW Star Fox fanfic. My mom had to pick me up early and she was FURIOUS.

Not because I wrote NSFW fic. No, because I infringed on the Star Fox IP.

"Do you want to get sued? Do you want people to think you're unimaginative? A thief? Do your own WORK if you're going to be a writer!"

That's stuck with me well into adulthood. Even after meeting Star Fox lead programmer Dylan Cuthbert and telling him this story. I've always worried that whatever I write will be too derrivative. Too close to something. And whenever I did indulge in fanfic, it was with my head on a swivel, a VPN, and like 10 different pennames to hide my shame.

And now... bitches be getting 7 figure deals for the Harry Potter fanfic. CTRL+F+R is the solution to copyright infringement. All the most demented, plot-broken, unrealistic sex acts are FAIR GAME for the Big 5...

And I'm over here feeling all precious about my Capri fic. Worried that my original works won't find their audience. Angsting over picking the wrong names for my MCs because they sound too much like some other fantasy fuckboi name I read two decades ago...

*sigh* Are books even worth it anymore?

[ajlovestowrite]

Captive Prince withdrawal

I'm worried I'm never going to read a series like Capri again. I've tried almost all the recs everyone makes, and it's disappointment each time. No book comes close in terms of plot, pace, or characterization. Some do manage other things, of course, but even the books I finish send me right back to Capri.

Here's what I've tried:

Into the North. Historical, Viking captor/Roman captive. This one came the closest to scratching the itch because it's well-written with solid tension. But the dynamic is nothing like Lamen despite the slavefic DNA.

Knight & the Necromancer. Fantasy enemies to lovers. Well-written at the line level but I ended up DNF'ing because the pacing was all over the place and I utterly stopped caring whether or not they got together by 15%.

The Scottish Boy. Historical enemies-to-lovers. Instant DNF because it's written in third-person present-tense and that just didn't work for me.

The Prince's Assassin. Fantasy enemies to lovers. Reading level too low to keep me interested.

Part of the problem is the stigma of romance books. It's an "escapism" genre where things aren't meant to be deep or researched or believable. "It's not read as literature!" as my librarian grandmother would say when she caught me reading bodice rippers instead of Jane Austen.

Capri, as I understand it, was born from a soup of internet culture not bound to genre conventions. It reads different from other romances because it IS different. And everything else recommended to me wasn't written that way; about half the recs I get are straightforward Romance Genre books and the other half are commercial romantasy chasing "ACOTAR but make it gay!"

There's more books out there for me to try. And if not, I can get off my ass and write more Capri fic or finish my own story about a noble sold off as a ward to the knight who ruined his family.

But what I want is to crack open the next book and fall in love again.

[ajlovestowrite]

Rejection

It's one thing when you try out for something and get rejected. It stings in a new and different way to be rejected by someone you wanted to hire to do book marketing.

Like... is my writing really so bad that money can't offset working with it? Or is it just that indie publishing is so pointless now, that not even a paying gig with an indie book is worth it?

I really wish I could find someone I could pay to tell me what to do. Maybe I should I just hire a dom...? At this point, they're probably better at social media than book marketers.