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my perspective of the world around me. subtitleproductions.com

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And they call me the sick boy.

Sick Boy - Chainsmokers

I'm from the east side of America

Where we choose pride over character And we can pick sides, but this is us, this is us, this is I live on the west side of America Where they spin lies into fairy dust And we can pick sides, but this is us, this is us, this is

And don't believe the narcissism When everyone projects and expects you to listen to 'em Make no mistake, I live in a prison That I built myself, it is my religion And they say that I am the sick boy Easy to say, when you don't take the risk, boy Welcome to the narcissism Where we're united under our indifference

And I'm from the east side of America Where we desensitize by hysteria And we can pick sides, but this is us, this is us, this is I live on the west side of America Where they spin lies into fairy dust And we can pick sides, but this is us, this is us, this isI am the, I am the, I am the sick boy I am the, I am the, I am the sick boy They say that I am the sick boy And they call me the sick boy

Don't believe the narcissism When everyone projects and expects you to listen to 'em Make no mistake, I live in a prison That I built myself, it is my religion And they say that I am the sick boy Easy to say, when you don't take the risk, boy Welcome to the narcissism Where we're united under our indifference

Feed yourself with my life's work How many likes is my life worth? Feed yourself with my life's work How many likes is my life worth? Feed yourself with my life's work How many likes is my life worth? Feed yourself on my life's work How many likes is my life worth?

i'm from the east side of America I am the, I am the, I am the sick boy I live on the west side of America I am the, I am the, I am the sick boy I'm from the east side of America They say that I am the sick boy I live on the west side of America Yeah, they call me the sick boy I am the, I am the, I am the sick boy I am the, I am the, I am the sick boy They say that I am the sick boy Yeah, they call me the sick boy

Songwriters: Alex Pall / Andrew Taggart / Dong Tony An / Emily WarrenSick Boy lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

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Postmodum

Higher - Lilly Allen

Please, you know I rate Queens

Yo, cah that's in my jeans I don't want grief, don't want drama I just went out for a little Chinese Had Chinese then couldn't leave I lost my phone and my cards and keys Came, came home four o'clock Walk back like I'm, walk back like I'm chief Do me right You're lying It's in your eyes, don't try it No, you can't hide, have you lost your mind? Did I cross your mind? It's your life, I said I'd never Let you waste my time I said you'd never Hear me say that twice You crossed that line You crossed that line You know what you're doing I won't listen to another excuse This time you blew it The people you used are jumping through hoops I won't let you do it You can't seduce me, now who looks foolish? Sorry, but I know your type I won't be undermined I can't take this down to the wire Soon see if I fight fire with fire Dig that grave You're such a bad liar Stakes gettin' higher and higher and higher and higher Higher, higher, higher... You'll be fine, stop crying Dry your eyes, stop fighting Rest that mind, give yourself some time You might like what you find It's your life, and said I'd never Let you ruin mine I said I'd never, ever Pay the price You crossed the line You crossed the line Why did you do it? (Oh, yeah) Why would you choose to use and abuse me? This close to ruin (oh, yeah) Why just stand by? Don't you dare roll your eyes Why put me through it? Enough with the lies I know what the truth is Sorry, but I know your type I won't be undermined I can't take this down to the wire Soon see if I fight fire with fire Dig that grave You're such a bad liar Stakes gettin' higher and higher and higher and higher Higher, higher, higher...

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Postmodum

Lilly Allen Trigger Bang

Grab a few grams and a few grand

Wrapped in elastic in the blue bands Reach for handouts with your two hands Who's that? We’re the cool gang No hippy but it’s so sticky I’m a old school nigga, fam, I know Zippy Steamboat Willie like the old Mickey Steamboat willy, she gets the whole dicky '06 ratchet, had the old flicky '017, now I got the whole strip in Lowkey bredda on the low, sippin’ You can be the cool gang, but nigga, no slippin’And it fuels my addictions Hangin' out in this whirlwind If you cool my ambitions I’m gonna cut you outThat’s why I can’t hang with the cool gang Everyone’s a trigger bang, bang, bang, bang, bang Goodbye bad bones, I’ve got bigger plans Don’t wanna put myself in your hands

When I was young I was blameless Playin' with rude boys and trainers I had a foot in the rave 'cause I was attracted to danger I never got home for Neighbors, hey When I grew up, nothing changed much Anything went, I was famous I would wake up next to strangers Everyone knows what cocaine does Numbing the pain when the shame comes, heyAnd it fuels my addictions Hangin' out in this whirlwind If you cool my ambitions I’m gonna cut you outThat’s why I can’t hang with the cool gang Everyone’s a trigger bang, bang, bang, bang, bang Goodbye bad bones, I’ve got bigger plans Don’t wanna put myself in your hands That’s why I can’t hang with the cool gang Everyone’s a trigger bang, bang, bang, bang, bang Goodbye bad bones, I’ve got bigger plans Don’t wanna put myself in your handsBack in the day like at YoYo Then in L.A. at the Chateau Someone would say, "did you bang? No?" I shake my head, I say "no, no" Maybe we did, I don’t think so, hey I need to move on and grow some Been in the Firehouse for too long LDN's burnin', so tan one I’m gonna love you and leave some I’m gonna go out while I’m still strong, heyAnd it fuels my addictions Hangin' out in this whirlwind If you cool my ambitions I’m gonna cut you outThat’s why I can’t hang with the cool gang Everyone’s a trigger bang, bang, bang, bang, bang Goodbye bad bones, I’ve got bigger plans Don’t wanna put myself in your hands That’s why I can’t hang out with the cool gang Everyone’s a trigger bang, bang, bang, bang, bang Goodbye bad bones, I’ve got bigger plans Don’t wanna put myself in your hands

Songwriters: Jason Neville Thompson / Lily Rose Beatrice Allen / Benjamin James Henry Jack GarrettTrigger Bang lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group, BMG Rights Management

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My Now, wants to say...

​As i embrace my day today and marinate myself in my now.I see that Facebook decided to collaborate with the universe to show this consciously living version of myself something i have to recognize. What better time then the present.

When this photo was taken, little over 7 years ago i look at my ‘then’ self as i stand in that moment of enjoying that perspective but not really knowing where my journey was going to take me after getting home.

Look back i was so young. Young hearted, young thinking, i was in this bubble of a real life willy Wonka - Never Never Land hybrid kind of the whole world is beautiful!! Don’t get me wrong It was great to see the world and live in the world with fresh green eyes but i understand now when that bubble became to deflate now - which lead to the journey it did. Mind you it was a journey of great, happy, blessed but also dark sad , lost and numb experience - all i wouldn’t take back because it brought me to this conscious reality that i am in today - for so long it was a extreme happy or extreme sad.

They say, and i understand so much now this statement , but everything depends on how you react. Then i was blessed to have met a man that was a beautiful human being. His Perspective of life , the calm he lived in his daily, the love he embraced and Valued and saw in everybody. Looking back on it he too was in this happy bubble the world is beautiful And his bubble complimented my bubble.

His life though was not an Easy one and without sharing to much - his journey was so heart wrenching that i knew if it was me who went through what he went though - i wouldn’t have been smiling as much as this man did. He was represented really strength. I’m acknowledging now he also represented true forgiveness. True unconditional love.

I was blessed to share time with him, he let me in but i see now that i was so naive and i didn’t know know how to grow up now what to do with everything that he represented... I knew i loved him but i also know today i wasn’t ready for that feeling.. hell im still not sure i am. he and we’re friends at the end of the day though my bubble didn’t know what to do with these new feelings of for one rejection but love that now sat dormant...then they went numb. He shared with me, ( as i type this i realize it was on thanksgiving ) that he had stage 4 Cancer.  I remember his words “there is a war going on in my body and everyone is fighting everyone “  the hope he always had  in his heart still was heard in his voice. This man was he healthiest, fittest, didn’t drink or do drugs. His drug was happiness.  And here the universe is taking a human being that is doing life right. He wouldn’t allow me to come see him.  And though i was trying to respect his wishes, and suggestion from my mom to not just show up... i wanted to so bad... to see him, to let him know i loved him, to let him know he wasn’t alone. Me me me . Like i said  i was naive. But i respected his wishes...my bubble began to deflate.. no more then month later, he passed. And my bubble did too. I didn’t know what to do, how to deal, how to say good bye, closure no closure. I was glad he didn’t have to hurt  through the war that was happening in his body but the effect he left on me i didn’t know what to do with it it all became a numb.. and realizing now slowing so did i. I wrote a very specific email to my family and friends who had knowing him and met him.. and i told them what had happen and to never bring it up to me. I don’t want to talk about it moving forward. I didn’t know what cancer was , i didn’t understand the whys or the how’s. I didn’t like death, since a child i never understood the where’s or why’s, i was terrified of it. I didn’t know what to feel or how to feel... all these these i couldn’t process or accept because i didn’t try to understand it so i could allow myself to process any of it...

And Like that my shoulders slowly started getting Heavier and heavier. I am not say saying at all this is the all cause but i am acknowledging how i reacted was not only wrong but it domino effected a lot of reactions with a lot of things and became my king character defect. Then moving toward i went on to to have an end goal of trying to understand process everything.  That bubble dissolved leaving me standing so far from Never never land with my perspective of living in all good to seeing the wizard behind the curtain..  That become overthinking to then falling into a deep place of my Soul feeing so lost and dishearted, knowing know it was me who let darkness take over.  

But again i now stand in my light becuause i am the light.  And i look back at these moments and call it closure call it just an appreciation for another human being or call it just what it is ... me using my gift of communication to say out loud that today i am remembering the human Jimmy Parsons, and i want to say to this man is:

Jimmy your light was something so special- i think i find myself today with more of you around me then even. Everything you stood for - the human being you were in your entirity is what, when i grow up, i can only try my best to be.. I’d be lucky if i was even  half the man you were to this world. I believe you knew i cared for you and loved you then and now and i know you are an angel. You were one on earth. If i can say anything to you it’s thank you for sharing your light and thank you for holding space for me next to you.  You are not forgotten you are and were a gift. A gift that stills holds a space in my heart. 

I know i can’t change my past, and i know i can’t bring individuals back from the dead, and i know i can’t save you but i also know i am free today. I know i am accepting today. I know i am capable of forgiving today. I know i am who i am because of everything that this journey had put in front of me.  I am grateful. I am beyond grateful for my now. 

 Thank you everyone for being apart of my now!  

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How

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Crowded places - BANKS

Hey, hey, hey, heyHey, hey, hey, hey Hey, hey, hey, hey Hey, hey, hey, hey I wanna get you in my spaces I wanna take you different places I know the touring is romantic I know you see me as a frantic girl But I can give you what you want I know you like the way I held my temper When I gave you to the world, gave you to the world I can be your heart to let go 'Cause I've been scared of crowded places Come with me, I'll take you home 'Cause I've been scared of crowded places Come with me, I'll take you home I know I messed with your head It was just when I left you When I was just blowing up when I said Remember when I loved you right before that tour? You said you didn't wanna see me anymore And then when I got home, when I played that show in L.A All your sh*t was gone It was the only time I thought I'd made a mistake And when I only wanna hold you I thought I wanted you to hold me 'Cause I've been scared of crowded places Come with me, I'll take you home 'Cause I've been scared of crowded places Come with me, I'll take you home It falls to death so talk with me This life, what if it's you and me? Don't know, oh no Maybe that means we'll fall from grace It'd be OK, I'd have your face with me You'll see, you'll see, you'll see, you'll see 'Cause I've been scared of crowded places 'Cause I've been scared of crowded places 'Cause I've been scared of crowded places 'Cause I've been scared of crowded places 'Cause I've been scared of crowded places 'Cause I've been scared of crowded places 'Cause I've been scared of crowded places 'Cause I've been scared of crowded places 'Cause I've been scared of crowded places 'Cause I've been scared of crowded places Hey, hey, hey, hey Hey, hey, hey, hey Hey, hey, hey, hey Hey, hey, hey, hey

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Weathered

When I grow old, my weathered soulAnd memories recluse, elusive Help me 

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Desperado

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NEVER BE LIKE YOU.

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