it's literally 4am and I haven't slept yet cause I can't stop thinking about everything. I feel so sad and pained and bitter and angry and hurt and depressed and exhausted. I thought about the past for a minute and now my heads all over the place. It's sad how the people who have destroyed me have gone on with their lives completely unfazed and happy living life while i'm left here still destroyed and not knowing how to pick myself up. It's weird you never know which people in your life will turn out so cold and evil, until they do. You just never expect it. I don't believe in karma and I hate to be bitter but I hope one day they hurt like I've been hurting. I'm not going to sit here and give full credit to them because I've been through so much shit this past year that has destroyed me that they're just a small fraction by now. It's just that sometimes no matter how far down you push something and repress it, it still finds a way to creep back up and when it does it still burns as bad as it did then. I hate that people are able to live their lives unbothered while knowing the pain they caused. That they're happy and living their life while I'm going through this enormous fucking struggle. And I hate when I think back and realize that I apologized for it and that I was made to feel like I was crazy and that it was my fault and that they hate me now and want nothing to do with me now and have zero care in the world if I was dead or alive and are mad at me and harbor hate for me as if I was in the wrong. I feel sick for allowing myself to have such awful people influence me the way that they have. I hate that they managed to make me feel worthless because when therapists and psychiatrists and family and friends have asked me why I feel like I'm worthless and why I don't eat anymore and why I keep losing weight and why I weigh 88 pounds and why I use heroin and why I want to kill myself and why I'm so self destructive and why, why oh why do I feel so goddamn worthless? You know what comes to my head? You know why I feel worthless? Because of them. But no, see I'm crazy. And this is all in my head. They did nothing wrong. It's all my fault. They're perfectly normal it's my fault for feeling like this. Fuck you. Rot in hell. I hope it comes around I truly do. Awful human beings who deserve no peace and no happiness. Yet they're out there both happy and peaceful and I'm here suffering mentally every single day of my life. How is that fair? God I hate when this shit comes up, I do such a good job of burying this shit. My sister had a conversation with me today and brought it up, maybe that's why. I know she tries to reassure me about that situation and tells me that that they're both worthless losers who should have no influence over me and they don't anymore, not really at least. It's just when I think about it like tonight it just takes me right back to that pain. All my therapists and friends tell me the same thing and that they're awful fucking people and I shouldn't care and I know I shouldn't care and I don't want to and I usually don't but sometimes these thoughts just creep up on me. I have to get better. There's nothing else I can do. As much as I want to go back to using and living like a ghost I just can't do that anymore. I'm always going to be a heroin addict and I'm forever going to have to fight off these cravings and urges and it fucking sucks to think about but I don't have another choice. I need to start my medication again. I don't know what I'm going to do about my eating tbh, that's like the one thing I'm really being stubborn about. I don't know how to eat again. I keep losing weight and I don't want to go lower than 85 but I'm scared I might end up that way anyways. I shouldn't even be in the 80s anyways I know how fucking unhealthy this is and how my bmi's a fucking 15 but I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't like how everyone around me keeps telling me I look like a skeleton and that I look like a holocaust prisoner and that I look like I'm sick or that I look like I'm dying and I don't want to look like that but I can't explain what's going on with my head I can't. I don't know how I got this bad I really don't. I keep looking for other people to save me. I know how stupid that sounds. I keep thinking back on all the guys I got involved with this past year and I know it's only because I'm lonely and I don't have feelings for them it's just human nature to cling on to the things that made you feel good. But everyone's moved on with their lives and I need to too. I can't keep looking back the way I have. I have to move forward because as much as I want to die, I just don't want to hurt anyone. Even though there's a small part of me that tells me it's okay even if they hurt because it won't matter once you're dead, I know that it will. It's hard to get better when you don't have a reason to live. It really is. I just wish I had something to motivate me. I just want a reason to live. This past year I kept having small bursts of happiness and where life was actually going good and I was having fun. I wish those bursts actually lasted. I just wish I had a reason to live. I hope I find it soon.
