Find Your Way

A personal blog

[akaari-le]

Some day, our dreams will end. Unto the next life, and thereafter. Though, we carry out empty pockets, we etch into the fabric of this universe with our treasures.

[akaari-le]

I never expected any of my comments to blow up, but of course it would be over social media angst-type shit. I mean that's just the internet.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[akaari-le]

[akaari-le]

Today I start tapering off my anxiety meds from 40mg to 20mg (twice a day). I hope I'll be okay, because God knows I'm always ending up in the hospital for some panic attack type shit.

On a side note, I am starting a Gundam collection. I honestly wish I started this sooner because they are so fun to put together. Recently started watching Mobile Suit Gundam Wing and it's a little tacky here and there, but still makes for good classic.

[akaari-le]

[akaari-le]

Fair enough but my flags are very bright pink, not red, it's the lighting.

[akaari-le]

I've been thinking a lot about love. A lot about every single one of my past partners and relationships, and what it truly means to be happy. Within this next chapter in my life, I want to embrace anything and everything that comes my way head on. If I can be happy with a man or woman, then as long as I am happy, that is all that matters. I just want to settle down with someone for good. I want genuine love and happiness. I hope that special person will show up in my life. Some day.

[akaari-le]

I feel like my anxiety has been getting better. I am only taking Propranolol now (20mg when I wake up, and another 20mg before I go to bed). I told them the Lexapro was making me more anxious, so they took me off of it.

I've been sober for 3 months, 20 days, and 18 hours. I don't think about drinking or smoking any more.

Final Fantasy XIV Online has got me addicted. I've met some really great people in a guild. I got my brother and my two best friends to play. And my coworker and her husband play with me occasionally.

I miss working. They dont expect us to open up the zoo until August probably.

[akaari-le]

I woke up at 2:30pm today, around 3:00, i received a phone call from the doctor's office to come in and fill some paper work out. After that, I went to pay my phone bill, purchased a blood pressure monitor, and oximeter.

i got home at 6:00, ate chicken with salad, grape tomatoes, and kimchi. I took my Lexapro at 7:00 and Propranolol at 7:50.

At 6:30, I noticed my pulse wasn't going down from 94. I checked my blood pressure and it was 150/100 and pulse increased to 95.

I went on the Lexapro Support Facebook group to ask if it is normal, and should I go to the hospital? People mostly said that I was fine, that it wasn't crazy high especially for anxiety. But to check in with doctor tomorrow.

I feel better and reassured now.

I've also been noticing that these attacks happen once a week. It really comes out of nowhere. I noticed that when I was at Rite Aid to purchase my monitor, I felt like I was going to pass out. I thought that maybe It was because I didn't have anything to eat for a few hours after waking up? I think that could have been a signal for an upcoming anxiety attack. Not sure...

😟

[akaari-le]

Doctor called and said that after taking medication for Chlamydia, I am now negative. Thank god.. I am also on Day 3 on Lexapro, and I think it’s making me feel a bit strange. A little anxious, I guess, since it’s new medication. I am experiencing tingling sensations through my finger tips, up to my arms, and my lips some times. I hope I don’t have to be on this for long. 

[akaari-le]

It makes me sick having to take pills for my GAD. But I'm so tired of having these attacks coming out of nowhere, for no reason. I went to the hospital 5 times already thinking I was going to die! What the hell... This is all making me so tired, yet so restless. This quarantine is making it so hard for me. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to stop feeling this way. This is the price I have to pay for all of my bad habits. Please, don't let this be forever... I just want to feel normal again.

[akaari-le]

An incredibly inspiring video. In the middle of watching this, I caught myself thinking how negatively I imagine a situation in my head that never comes true. Rarely. Or negative thoughts and worrying in general, or, how often I blame myself. This inspires me to think more positively about myself and others around me. Emotions are so incredibly important in the way they make us think the way we do and why we do them.

[akaari-le]

[akaari-le]

[akaari-le]

I wake up some mornings feeling like this pandemic is just a dream. After reassuring myself that it's not, I read into recent news expecting someone - more people - to pass away. Every morning, I look and read into anything. Hopefully some good news. Most of all, I'm pissed that Bill Gates had warned us 4 years ago about something like this, and today, as he expected, we were not ready for this pandemic. I watched a YouTube video of Gates practically explaining in detail what measures our country needs to take to stomp that curve. It's scary to think that someone like Trump is letting all these people die, simply because he waited until someone had to twist his arm to react to something like this when it should have been dealt with months ago. I'm not religious, but I pray that all those people in such critical condition make it through. I wouldn't want to die like this. Not this way.

[akaari-le]

Binge watched the fuck out of this show. I'm a sucker for music. ❤️ P.S. Some mild Yuri moments.

[akaari-le]

Embarrassing Moment of the Day

Doctor: Okay, Ruth. You're fasting this morning right?

Me: Yes.

Doctor: Good. I just have to ask you some questions in regard to your medication and sex/alcohol history

*Fast forward after the questions"

Doctor: Okay, very good. Now we're going to have you do a Pap Test, then give you the vaccine and some blood work done.

Me: What's a Pap test?

Doctor: Oh, you don't know? We have to test for cervical cancer every 10 years by brushing some cells from your cervix. We use a plastic tube to insert inside your vagina, so you'll have to undress. The procedure is very fast, and might feel a bit uncomfortable.

Me: 😳😳😳

Doctor: Okay? So I'll have you undress and sit on the bed for me. And put this on to cover. I'll be right back.

Me: 😳😳😳