cant stand seeing people take the complexity of atsushis relationship with the headmaster and claim that the author is trying to push that the abusers a good guy. holy oversimplification of an incredibly nuanced topic and portrayal.
atsushi hates the headmaster. he expresses intense anger at him for what he did even in recent chapters but hes also repressing his sadness at his death because that anger is blinding him and its preventing him from being able to complete the grieving process. i think just in general he was struggling to cope with his own emotions at the time. he hated the director and thought that meant he couldnt mourn him. it was much easier to believe the director hated him and that was that but im glad asagiri tackled this topic because it adds so much more humanity to all the characters and is a pretty common aspect of abuse irl.
when he first comprehends the news atsushi is clearly happy but it also feels a bit like hes playing it up. as if he doesnt exactly know how he should act. he reinforces all hes done to him “he abused me horrifically so of course i should be ecstatic” but it doesnt feel entirely genuine. his real feelings are much more complex than that. tanizaki asks him if he wants to know why the director was here looking for him and atsushi says no, insisting the director mustve been here to hurt him. but the way he responds when he learns of the directos true intentions suggests that he mightve been considering this from the start. after all, the director told him to never hate himself as a child but he either blocked it out or didnt pay much attention to it so he mightve already suspected this.
at this age, he already knew the answers to these questions. as a child he believed he was being punished solely because the director hated him (which the director verbally reinforced) and he continued to tell himself that, trying to ignore the bits that suggested otherwise. he told tanizaki the director was probably there to kill him even though he was told that his punishment was a lesson to help him learn to endure pain so he could survive in this world, even after the director told him to take all his hate out on him and to never hate himself, even after the “poison” didnt kill him.
despite all the realizations, he didnt want to accept it. or couldnt for his own wellbeing. at this point, he remembered the directors words about not hating himself, realized he was being punished for going rampant as the tiger and was being fed nutrients, remembered the directors actions that suggested he wasnt doing what he did out of pure malice yet he still couldnt help but try to deny that the director could ever care about him. by now, atsushi knows that its true but he doesnt want it to be
he was unable to cope with the duality of the directors actions and his own feelings so dazai helped him. he told atsushi that multiple things can be true. the headmaster is despicable, he thought he was doing what was best for atsushi, the directors actions are a huge part of what made atsushi who he is today, atsushi doesnt have to forgive him, the director is unforgivable. he told him that he could still hate the headmaster and that he could cry for him as well. he was validating both atsushis pain/anger AND his grief and it was then that atsushi finally allowed himself to mourn.
its also worth mentioning he said “thats what i think” in regard to the orphanage directors actions keeping atsushi alive and teaching him how to live. at the end of the day, it must be said that this is dazais opinion and dazai is someone who has used similar methods. he gave akutagawa a reason to live regardless of how much trauma and pain it led to. he hurt akutagawa for the sake of keeping him alive. the director wanted atsushi to hate him so he wouldnt hate himself, wanted him to feel as if his entire existence is a burden and hes unworthy to live if he doesnt help others so hed save people just as dazai was degrading so that he could give akutagawa something to chase after, a reason to live, and just as he wanted akutagawa to depend his self worth on dazais approval and fear punishment so that he would listen to dazai and wouldnt become a slave to his own ability and destroy himself.
he did it with good intentions in mind but as he said, it isnt justified. although he can most likely somewhat understand the directors line of thinking because of that. so far it doesnt seem like he regrets what hes done because he believes hes getting the results he wanted (atsushi and akutagawa teaming up). he hasnt been shown to account for the pain he inflicted which i assume would be the case with the director as well. they understand their methods are cruel and horrible but they prioritize doing what they believe they need to do to raise aku/atsu right but i digress
and this wasnt the end of things. atsushi is still angry at the director. he didnt let this prevent him from hating him and he didnt start glorifying his abuser. he was finally able to healthily deal with some of his trauma which he still is dealing with to this day and he isnt portrayed as in the wrong for hating him
it is undeniable that he somewhat feels a bond with the headmaster. he looks to him for guidance and even had to cover that up by imagining dazai in his place. the journey is far from over which is another thing i love. him and akutagawa basically fall on opposite ends of the spectrum. both of them look towards their mentors for guidance but atsushis hate overshadows that while akutagawas admiration overshadows his contempt
in the main universe he has supportive people in his life and dazai is able to help him mourn but he doesnt have that support group in beast so when he learns of the headmasters intentions, he latches onto the idea of someone caring about him and glorifies him. it was a trauma response and including it doesnt mean asagiri is saying that the director was a good man. it is far from uncommon for abuse victims to form a trauma bond with their abusers and akutagawa is even shown doing some form of this in the main series. in beast, rather than helping atsushi mourn, dazai uses this situation to control atsushi and he doesnt get the chance to overcome this. at the end of the series, mori is the one offering to help him mourn and it is implied that he is able to heal eventually by letting go of the headmasters gift and finding something else to validate his existence with.
mori expresses he disagrees with dazai and his method of using atsushis trauma to control him as well as the directors cruel methods, insisting he lets him help him overcome his trauma from the headmaster and he is presented as a positive force in atsushis life who is there to help him heal. if asagiri was trying to insist that the director was a good guy, atsushis singular positive influence wouldnt be disapproving of his methods and preventing atsushi from leaving until he can discard of his gift. and he wouldnt continue allowing main universe atsushi to hate him right after dazai explained why he did what he did let alone in the recent chapters
this was longer than i expected it to be so i hope my thought process is coherent and i didnt screw anything up. im always too chicken to post the long stuff but maybe thisll make it out
