Syrupy-Sweet @alaaaaana - Tumblr Blog

95% of my personality is worrying I do everything wrong and that I will inevitably be abandoned because my traumatised ass is too much and simultaneously not enough

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thereal1990s

The Craft (1996)

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adrenaline

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lmfao I never thought I’d write something as stupid as this out on tumblr. But I guess I need to say it somewhere.

I was gaslighted for a long time at a really young age. I had a partner who made me feel like I wasn’t actually mentally ill. I learned to question everything that I felt. I thought there was something inherently wrong with my personality. My reactions were not a product of my mental illness and hormonal imbalance, just a result of me being socialized wrong. I wasn’t anxious. I wasn’t depressed. I didn’t have panic attacks. Those were all diagnosable, treatable. This was just how I was. And I needed to sacrifice getting better in order to make my partner satisfied and happy and comfortable. Today, I still question if I am mentally ill. I can get prescribed pills and still think that they must have gotten it wrong. I’m not *that* bad. I’m just lazy. I’m just worrying. I’m just overreacting. This is not a panic attack. It’s on me for feeling this way. Pills will just make it worse. Going to a counselor or therapist is a waste of time. And even when therapy actually makes me feel better, I still convince myself that it’s a false sense of being “better” because I don’t want to take responsibility for what I am. A burden. A self-absorbed, selfish person. I don’t even know if I’m trying to convince myself otherwise right now, and that’s the hard part because I want to be so so supportive of my friends who struggle with the same things. So am I a hypocrite for telling them that they’re valuable when I can’t even tell myself that? Idk.

#personal