An Alcoholic's Daughter

My father's an alcoholic. 21 years of seeing nothing but arguments and beers has taken it's toll on me. This is my story.

[alcoholicsdaughter]

Every time I defend my mom and tell you to stop bothering her you call me a bitch. You glare at me with those cold, dark, bloodshot eyes of yours and push me. You say I'm a stupid bitch who should leave and that I'm not your daughter. It breaks my heart. Don't you remember the times you used to take me to eat ice cream, make up silly dances to make me smile, or that one time in the third grade when I was crying because another girl was bothering me and you said "Don't worry, stop crying, you're a princess, don't pay attention to what they say" then you gave me a quarter to buy candy. Don't you remember that? 

Why do you call me a "fucking bitch", push me off my mattress, and tell me to leave just because I was defending my mom. Why? And it's always me you pick on. It's always me that you curse out. Your alcoholism drove my sister away, she left home because of you and everyday I contemplate on doing the same thing too. But my mom and siblings need me, I can't leave them. They need defending and protecting from you, you're a monster.

[alcoholicsdaughter]

Please stop arguing with mom, please. Please stop calling her a slut, whore, bitch...stop. Dad, why do you do this? Every time you drink you do this. Why? Please stop asking her if she's ever cheated on you, in that sick, disgusting tone of voice that you use. Don't you see my little sister's crying? She's 5 years old, the happiest little girl I know, don't screw her up just like you did to the rest of us.

[alcoholicsdaughter]

Dear Father...

I'm your oldest daughter, your first born, and I love you...or at least I did. As a little girl I would wait for you by the door, excited when you would come home from work and tell me silly jokes. You would watch TV with me and on my birthday take me to Toys R Us and let me pick whichever Barbie doll I wanted for my birthday. You were the best and when teachers would ask me if I was daddy's little girl I'd say yes. 

But when you drank beer and downed one right after the other you started to change. You would scream and yell, break and throw things. You would pick fights with my mom and say "have you cheated on me?" "you're a fucking slut" "you fat bitch" and then you would hit my poor mom in the face. You didn't care if me and my siblings were screaming, crying, yelling "Dad stop hurting mom!" you'd keep hitting her until you drew blood. 

Your eyes, bloodshot and dark, looked like bottomless pits...you have no heart. You'd spit at my mom and say "Look at the mess you made, it's all your fault that the kids are crying" then, you'd walk away, slam the door, and return hours later.

Tension from the previous night carried over into the next day, walking on eggshells having to watch what we said or did for fear of what you'd do next if we upset you. Fear, that's what we all felt.

Daddy, I was 5 years old. I shouldn't have had to worry about whether or not you were going to hit mom again, all I should have been worrying about is whether or not my crayons needed sharpening.

You think I liked having to stand in between you and mom to keep you from hitting her? Do you think I liked having to hear you ask mom the same question every day "Have you cheated on me?" Any sudden movement would scare me, I was always on edge because at any given moment you could go off. 

Dad, I was 8  years old, why'd I have to act like an adult? I would take my younger siblings into a room and close the door just to keep them from listening to the arguments and keep them from seeing what you were doing to mom. You might not have cared about us but I did.

What I needed, what we needed, was a father but we never got one. We got a drunk instead.

[alcoholicsdaughter]

Sad Childhood

I was the kid who never wanted to leave school, who dreaded going home because I knew what to expect. My drunk father screaming and hitting my mom is what I always came home to. I was quiet in class and tried to act like nothing was wrong because my dad always said "What happens at home stays at home, the whole world doesn't have to know." 

[alcoholicsdaughter]

I wish I had an amazing relationship with my father, I honest to God wish I did. Every time my friends post pictures of them with their fathers with a caption that reads "I love you daddy #daddyslittlegirl" I cry because I want that. No, my parents aren't divorced. My dad is always here but it's not the same. He's emotionally unavailable, he drinks from sunrise to sundown and it never stops. Every time I hear the fizzing of the beer, the clinking of the glass bottles, the "pffzt" sound every time he uncaps a beer, my stomach churns.I know that once he's downed 5 bottles the arguments with my mom are going to begin. That feeling is enough to make me feel like a little kid again, and not in a good way.

[alcoholicsdaughter]

I used to think that my father's alcohol addiction didn't affect me, I mean, how could it? I wasn't the one drinking. But now that I'm 21 years old I can see how much it has affected and still does. My life's been a wreck for the most part, but thankfully, I have God, my mother, and siblings. They make my life complete. I'm going to share my story with you in hopes to show you that you aren't alone. There are plenty of people going through the same situation and if we stick together we can help one another overcome it.