Aleesha

Some stories are written to be remembered. Others are written so we can finally let them go.

[aleeshawrites]

Not a day goes by where I don't wake up and check my phone for a notification from you.

[aleeshawrites]

When you have been through so much cheating and betrayal in friendships and relationships in the past, now you start doubting if even the good relationship you're having is real .

[aleeshawrites]

I used to mock romcoms - called them unrealistic. Until one day I saw you in the middle of a crowd and it was like everything else blurred and went out of focus.

[aleeshawrites]

Move on? I have stayed awake caressing your sleepy face, gently planting kisses all over. I don't think I will ever love anyone else like that.

[aleeshawrites]

I was utterly devoted to someone that always kept their options open.

[aleeshawrites]

How do I move on?

I tell myself you will get over it. Most relationships aren't meant to last anyway.

He will find someone better and so will you. People get over relationships that have lasted years.

But what makes it even more difficult is that we don't have a reason to hate each other.

So how do I move on?

How do I move on from something that was taken away from me when I wanted it the most?

How do I move on when we both wanted each other but could not end up together ?

[aleeshawrites]

We went from you nagging me whenever I missed the "I" in "I love you" to us not even talking to each other anymore.

[aleeshawrites]

I let you go ...

I cried my eyes out last night. Teardrops making pools of wet patches on my pillow. Eyes swollen and red, a lump in my throat and my chest aching like my heart was ripped outside...

How could you so casually ask me move on .. tell me this is over ..

I want to grab your shirt, shake some sense into you .. "How could you give up on us so easily?"

But I won't - I am tired of waiting for you to choose me. I am tired of the anxious knots in my stomach - wondering if you will ever be mine.

Because a relationship needs two people working together for it to last - not one acting like the hopeless victim and the other acting like a therapist keeping it all together.

So I let it go... let you decide what you wanted to do and accepted the fact that you will never fight for us to be together

[aleeshawrites]

I miss you terribly

I fell in love with you like I have loved no other..

I kept telling myself that the timing isn't right. All of the odds are against us.

I look up ways to get over someone - no contact method, training your subconscious, visualization, changing my routine and what not...

But every time the thought of you flashes in my head ... tears trickle down my eyes uncontrollably. My heart aches from missing you. The thought of you in someone else's embrace feels like a punch in my gut.

But I cannot express any of this to you.. I don't want you to be hung up on me.

I want you to move on. I love you. I want you to be happy. I hope you end up with someone that gives you all the love that you deserve.

I love you and I always will.

[aleeshawrites]

Was it ever real?

Was it ever real if they could not choose you boldly?

Was it ever real if they were okay with the possibility of losing you?

When they told you they missed the intimacy but never you.

When they were willing to plan escapades, but never a future together.

When they tried to persuade you but failed to give reassurance.

Did their family ever know about you or was it all a made-up story, carefully woven to make you believe it was real-love?

Every time there was another contradiction, another excuse. Your gut was screaming yet you still chose to walk into their arms because they said "love". They wrote letters, built castles in the air and it all felt too good to be true.

And now it's all gone.

Was it simply not meant to be? Did their feelings for you change? Or was none of it ever real to begin with?

That is the hardest question of all: not whether the relationship ran it's course over time, but whether it ever truly existed in the first place.

[aleeshawrites]

Redemption?

Yes, I have made my fair share of mistakes.

I trusted manipulative people. I hurt the good ones who were trying to protect me.

I searched for love in places where I was treated like an option. I was loved only as long as I could be used—for lust, for knowledge, for companionship. Then I was discarded like a worthless piece of paper when I was no longer needed.

I searched for what was wrong with me. How could they leave me?

My love, and my need to be loved, blinded me from seeing the truth.

But now I see that I deserve to be loved for who I am, not for what I can do for people.

So now, is there a redemption arc? Will my fate turn around? Or will I be left to deal with the "damage" this naive twenty-year-old made while running around, chasing the crumbs of love people gave me, wanting to feel included and accepted?

[aleeshawrites]

Sometimes the heart wants what it wants..

I hate that I feel like I don't know where I stand in your life. I hate that I feel confused about whether you will ever be mine. I hate that I feel like you're not even sure if you truly want me.

But I cannot walk away yet, because you promised me.

You promised that you would fight for us. You said that no matter how long people have been together, if they don't fight to stay together despite the odds, then it was never love.

Now I hold on to those words, because how could someone fake something so real?

But you've given up on us. You've become a victim of the situation, as though you have no control over any of it.

Yet I still hold on to us, hoping for a miracle—one that might turn it all around.