Mary Oliver, from "Porcupine" in Devotions: Selected Poems
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Mary Oliver, from "Porcupine" in Devotions: Selected Poems
“Nothing is more painful than the silence between two people who love each other as they part ways, because one didn’t know how to prioritize, and the other had to choose self-love.”
~ Mario Benedetti
“After long hours of overthinking, not sleeping and depriving myself from everything I deserve, I came up with this conclusion: You can’t say sorry for breaking my heart.
Yes, believe me, I know you are sorry, but it was and still is– unacceptable. You made me believe you were better than anyone else. You made promises you obviously couldn’t keep. You made me fall hard only to be left in the depths alone. It wasn’t fair and I can’t accept your apology for that. Your sorry couldn’t take away the pain you’ve inflicted. It’s here– it’s still here and every night before going to bed I still question myself if I was ever worth it. I know what I am capable of giving and I made sure that you receive all that there is for you to feel that what we had was something that I’d like to last but you didn’t appreciate that. You threw it all away. So, no, you can’t run around breaking hearts of fragile women. You can’t get the pleasure of being forgiven after mistreating someone so terrible that it made her question her own worth. You can’t say sorry as a magic word– not when you’ve said it so many times, not when you’ve broken a person and especially not when you made her suffer deliberately. We’re humans, I know. We commit mistakes, yes. But remember this, I am human, just as you are and you knew all the things that could hurt me and yet you were the one that led me to them.
I’m sorry, I felt just as bad for myself for letting someone do me like that and I owe it to myself to not forgive– not now, not anytime soon. Maybe years from now I’d laugh about this pain, but until then, your sorry is not acceptable.”
“Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever”
Psalm 23:6
Winter in New England.
Scorpio szn,
“so young yet so old -- looking everything with great hunger and resolute curiosity”
Triple celeb for this day — e-oathtaking (yes tunay na nga dzakter), thanksgiving (for internship grad & for passing PLE 2021) and my 20+ birthday! :>
Life at 27
10 days from now. i don’t know. Maybe because I’m entering on the “late 20s” gang, that i felt pressured. Pressured on having work, having to live on my own or worst, having my own family. Hell, I don’t even have a lovelife now, what more of a family of my own?!
“Late 20s” gang supposed to have their life on their own feet. But not everybody can do that, right? Well, on my case, especially on my case since I recently passed the Physician Licensure Examination, the freshest of all fresh. HUHUHU. I don’t even know what’s waiting for me on the other side, meaning the real world. Right now, I don’t want to work with my CV, application letter, Personal Data Sheet and the like but I guess it’s time to work on these papers now before the year ends. I NEED TO ADULT ALREADY.
Okay this is a typical note for me to reminisce some points in my life. Realizations or what a 26 years of life did to me — some of these points may have gotten from site that i read because i can relate…
Going into the “late 20s” is enough reason to send me straight in the climax of a full-blown panic attack. I thought by this age I would be married, have my own house and a stable job, instead i sleep temporarily at my brother’s room with my 2 dogs sleeping with me, no job as of the moment, no lovelife ever since (hnng). I can juggle anything life throws at me but these? plus the idea of the next 365 days of my life, will be teetering on the fine line between actual adulthood and clutching on desperately to my youth. SEND HELP.
I feel old(er) and think wiser (?). There’s something about the number “7” that cast a darker and much more serious shadow over things. Of course, I can still go out and party like animal but I assure you that around the kids, I will be internally ashamed of my age. Lol read that being on 26 in a nightclub is totally different. Probably because 26 is still in the “mid” and the shape of “6” is naturally fun and loopy.
Ugh, hatest part of the truth. Everyone I know is getting engaged, married, pregnant or having another child. While me, stuck.. well, not stuck, just starting my own life at this age.
Noticing also the older adult like our parents has given me a light on a dark tunnel. Please take care of your parents/family. This year, I got to comment on a social media platform more condolences than congratulations. I almost forgot that as we grow older, our parents also grow much older. So spend time to your family before it’s too late.
Everyone I knew is getting engaged, married or pregnant! Either my batchmates, classmates or even the little sister/brother of my acquaintances. Ughhh why does society thinks that the only women capable of is producing offspring. Can we not do our job, work on our dreams and pursue things that are less travelled by the majority? hngg
Going back to some points, being 27 is like being a brand new, beginner’s level gymnast, perilously seesawing between “real” adulthood and (what feel like) the last crumbs of my true youth. Half of me feels an enormous pressure to be a fully grown up while the other hold is crippled by the notion in doing so. Meaning I want to get ready to be serious about love, career and overall responsibility but on the other hand, just want to continue on partying and freaking out over the future. Everyday I wake up thinking which mood I should set in for the day.
Lastly, this is the age where the absolute liberation and growth hit you in a certain point or age and realize “This isn’t worth my time”.
That’s just some my lessons learned for the past 27 years, the other 20 are just small bit of wee things. Thank you for coming to my tedtalk.
25 more days! It’ll be make it or break it day!
4 years in medschool plus a year of internship is not enough to study the human complexities and its intricacies.
Lord, please help me as I continue this journey in extending your healing hands on this chaos world. 🥺🙏🏻
14.9.15
“Sometimes people need a break. Life gets too much.”
a gentle reminder that you just need to make things a tiny bit better for your future self. reading one page, writing one sentence, getting half of a task done, it’s still good.
“when no one knows what you’ve been through… just stare on natural things God has offered you to appreciate.” ✨
June Summary!
Our Coco x Natnat turned one year old last June 15, 2021! 💖