𝐬𝐚𝐧𝐢𝐭𝐲 𝐜𝐡𝐞𝐜𝐤.

save   the   world.  i'll   be   around.

[alenkoh]

welcome  to  #ALENKOH.  this  is  a  unaffiliated,  selective,  and  mutually  exclusive  writing  blog  for  KAIDAN  ALENKO  of  bioware’s  MASS  EFFECT  TRILOGY.

narrated  by  jessica.  30+  years  old.  cisfemale.  she / her.

most  of  my  portrayal  is  dependent  on  my  personal  headcanons / meta  and  merely  influenced  by  canon. i will  not follow  other  kaidan  alenko  blogs  at  this  time,  merely  personal  preference.

i  currently do  not have  an  about  page  written  up,  but  you’re  free  to  either  ask me  about  kaidan  or  visit  his  character  page.

all  icons,  graphics  (  that  are  tagged  as  ‘out  of  character’ )  belong  to  me  and @jshepard  as  does  any  headcanon  /  meta  post  i  may  make.  please  do  not  steal,  recreate,   or  use  me  as  inspiration  for  your  own  portrayal.

if  you  chose  to  unfollow  me  for  any  reason,  please  have  the  courtesy  to  softblock  me.  since  mutual  checker  is  no  longer  a  thing,  it  would  ease  my  anxiety  (  and  embarrassment  )  if  you  just  remove  me  from  your  followers  as  well.  thank  you.

additional  links   :

rules  (  coming  soon.  )   /   discord  available  upon  request.

[alenkoh]

jshepard​:

admittedly,  john  didn’t  remember  much  of  what  he’d  stashed  into  certain  drawers  of  his  cabin.  but,  of  course,  that  could  be  partially  blamed  on  the  war…  his  head  was  focused  on  the  mission,  and  not  much  else.  there  was  room  for  kaidan  and  very  brief  bonding  with  the  rest  of  the  crew,  but  he  couldn’t  seem  to  stop  his  spiraling  thoughts  enough  to  simply  relax.  the  coma  they  put  him  in  was  the  most  sleep  he’d  gotten  in  however  long  it  had  been.

❝     yeah,  that’s  fine,     ❞     he  replies,  giving  kaidan  a  small  smile.  there  wasn’t  too  many  things  around,  and  besides  his  service  medal  and  the  picture  of  kaidan  that  sat  beside  his  stack  of  datapads,  there  wasn’t  much  else  he  wanted  to  bring  to  earth  with  him.  he  wondered  how  the  fish  and  his  hamster  fared  during  the  final  battle,  when  joker  pulled  off  the  evasive  maneuver  of  the  millennium.       

❝     —     how’s  the  hamster     ?     ❞     he  finds  himself  asking…  it  was  just  a  hamster,  but  he’d  gotten  quite  close  to  the  little  guy.

john  fixated  his  attention  on  kaidan,  blue  eyes  shifting  once  to  the  brace  on  his  knee,  the  way  it  itched  his  skin  underneath,  the  way  he  couldn’t  do  anything  about  that.  he  wonders  how  long  he’d  be  stuck  in  the  damn  thing,  but  imagined  it  would  be  awhile…  he  figured  there  was  no  use  in  complaining,  silently  or  otherwise,  at  least  he  was  still  alive…

Kaidan smiled, relieved to know John wasn’t bothered that he had been the one going through his quarters. He had hoped it would be some sort of therapeutic action. To bring himself some kind of peace when the whole world thought that John Shepard had died saving the galaxy. But even as he cleaned, even as he brought back odds and ends to keep at his own tiny apartment he had rented for the time being, he couldn’t bring himself to believe it.

There was absolutely no way that the reapers could be the end of the man sitting beside him. John was too strong, too determined, and quite honestly too stubborn to let an enemy like that be the reason he didn’t come home.

“I brought a few other things back as well. I didn’t think you would care too much about the old data pads. I think you’ve done enough work.” Kaidan teased, scooting a bit closer to him on the bench, even reaching out to gently take his hand. He had been scared to touch John too much right away. The bruising, cuts and scrapes looked painful, and the last thing he ever wanted to do was cause the other man pain. But he was slowly getting over that worry.

And damn if he wasn’t happy that he was. He had missed John’s touch.

“Chonk is alive and well.” Kaidan chuckled as he answered, knowing it wouldn’t be long until the question was asked. “I dunno if I mentioned, but I had rented a place just to have somewhere to stash things while I was..well. Looking for you.” He gave a little smile before continuing. “Joker is there now, he’s been watching it for me. But Chonk is there, and I think I was able to save most of the fish, your model ships, and your service medals. Once I can jailbreak you, I’ll get you there so he can see that his dad is alive and mostly well.”

[alenkoh]

jshepard​:

john  would  laugh,  if  his  chest  didn’t  hurt.  if  he  hadn’t  broken  enough  ribs for  it  to  be  a  world  record.  honestly,  he’s  surprised  at  the  number  of  injuries  sustained  and  he  was  still  able  to  exist.  though,  given  he  had  died  two  years  ago,  maybe  surviving  the  reaper  were  wasn’t  nearly  as  bad  as being  ejected  into  the  vacuum  of  space  and  suffocating  to  death,  to  crash  land  on  some  foreign  planet.  he  wondered, briefly,  how  they  found  every  part  of  him…  and  how  many  parts  weren’t  his.  that  was  an  odd  thought,  so  he  pushed  it  aside.  that  was  a  long  time  ago.  john  just  had  to  focus  on  the  present.

like  finally  being  able  to  relax  without  the  constant  worry  of  reapers.

❝     i’m  okay,     ❞     he  said,  but  with  kaidan  already  leading  him  towards  the  bench,  the  commander  just  sighed  quietly.  he  didn’t  like  being  coddled,  and  he  knew  kaidan  only  did  it  out  of  worry,  but  it  still  kind  of  bothered  him.  he  carefully  sits,  stretching  out  his  leg  with  the  brace,  and  props  his  crutches  up  against  the  wall.      ❝     —     do  they  have  you  on  cleaning  duty  yet     ?     ❞

It was no secret that the last thing John wanted was to be taken care of. To be coddled or treated like he needed help. And normally, Kaidan didn’t go anywhere near that. They were equals in the relationship. Always there for each other when they needed it, but never forcing their partner to accept help when they didn’t want it.

However.

Considering John had literally just survived a second suicide mission, and Kaidan was honestly amazed that they were both still alive to even have this conversation? He figured he was entitled to a little extra taking care of his boyfriend. At least until he was fully healed up.

“Oh yeah.” He confirmed, a breathy laugh falling from his lips as he leaned back, letting his feet cross in front of him at the ankles as they sat there for a moment. “But it’s kinda nice, you know? I’ve been finding things I had forgotten about. Like, hey, you remember the menu we uh..borrowed from that little place on the citadel with the steak sandwiches? That was stashed in one of the drawers in your quarters.”

Kaidan’s smile falters for a moment as he remembers why he had found it. “Before I knew you were here, no one was sure. I wouldn’t let anyone else into your room. Didn’t feel right. I hope you don’t mind I was the one cleaning it up?”

[alenkoh]

jshepard​:

@alenkoh​.     a  post - war  hospital  visit.​

❝     y’know,  if  you  want  me  to  walk  faster,  you  could  get  a  few  steps  ahead  of  me.     ❞     he  smiles  as  he  speaks,  despite  the  whole  cybernetics  pulling  through  his  already  not  -  real  flesh  thing.  he  ignores  the  burning,  not  wanting  to  cringe  even  a  little  and  worry  kaidan.  but  he  gives  him  a  soft  laugh,  knowing  they  both  knew  what  john  was  hinting  at.  

his  eyes  fall  downcast,  blues  examining  the  leg  braces  that  were  still  there,  and  the  fact  that  his  underarms  were  hurting  from  the  crutches.  at  least  his  arms  were  free  again.  a  gaze  falters  and  he  looks  up,  noting  that  kaidan’s  eyebrows  were  doing  the  thing  they  did  when  he  was  worried,  and  john  simply  bit  his  bottom  lip  and  chose  not  to  say  anything.  there  wasn’t  much  he  could  say,  anyway.     ❝     joker  won’t  tell  me  if  we  needed  a  normandy  sr3.  did  she  take  much  damage     ?     ❞   

“Walk ahead of you?” Kaidan questioned for a moment before he saw the grin spreading across the other’s face. His own cheeks burned what he could only assume was a bright red before he snorted out a laugh. “John Shepard, I swear. Barely up and walking and already letting your eyes wander. How about I make you a promise. We get you healthy and out of here, and I’ll do more than just walk ahead of you. Deal?” He had to admit, he missed their more intimate moments as well. You couldn’t exactly have a private moment in a hospital that was constantly buzzing around you.

Reading John like a book was one of Kaidan’s specialties. He knew the other man better than he knew himself. That’s what happened when you had been with someone since you were teenagers. Their history was an interesting one, and he loved that it was something only the two of them truly knew. But in knowing someone so well, you could tell when they were hiding things. “Hey, there’s a bench, let’s sit a second? I had a feeling you might ask about the Normandy so I managed to sneak a few pictures if you’d like to see?” They had so much to talk about. But there was this strange sense of peace around them knowing the war was over. Now all they had to focus on was making sure John healed so that they could start whatever was next. Another tour of duty, or maybe they would even talk about finally hanging it up.

[roarmoreau]

biotic boy    |    mass effect: le [4/?]

[stonelions]

ten seconds later and shep motorboats him and it’s all downhill from there

[roarmoreau]

cutie canadian [7/?]

[alenkoh]

" so you and the commander, huh? "

Honestly, Kaidan is half afraid there's a joke coming right after his question. He can see the other man nearly bursting at the seams to say something about what he has no doubt already witnessed. Perhaps he and John weren't as sneaky as they thought they were. They weren't trying to hide their relationship, they just kept it professional during work hours and anytime they were in front of the rest of the crew.

"Yeah, actually. Since we were teenagers. We've been together for..Jesus how old am I now?" Snorting out a laugh, the flood of memories bring a smile to his face. "You think he's loco now? Ask him about the 'job' he had when we first met."

[alenkoh]

what do you think you would be doing right now if i had died for real?

Kaidan is a little struck by the sudden change in conversation. They had been joking around, sending each other memes for a few laughs. And then John drops that question on him? He hesitates, wondering how honest he should be. They had never talked about what Kaidan did when he thought he had lost John. The reckless decisions he made. The missions he jumped at the chance to volunteer for almost hoping he wouldn't come back from one.

"Uh. Huh. Well. I don't think I've ever thought about that." Maybe one day they would talk about it. But maybe today wasn't that day. He was enjoying this light, happy time they had while the kids were at school. "Not this." He teased, a sad little smile crossing his face as he gave himself a moment to think. "I think. Well, I think I'd still be looking for you. Commander Shepard isn't supposed to die. Heroes don't do that. So I guess, if we weren't here right now, I'd still be out there trying to find you."

[xhba]

Play with his hair while his heads in your lap until he falls asleep when he comes home from bad days

[alenkoh]

jshepard​:

john  took  another  spoonful  of  ice  cream  and  simply  shook  his  head.  he  cared  for  kaidan’s  mother  and  he  liked  that  she  seemed  to  approve  of  him.  and  hopefully  it  would  stay  that  way     …     as  long  as  john  kept  the  reds  in  the  dark  and  kaidan  out  of  conversations.  he  couldn’t  imagine  something  happening  to  the  alenkos  because  he  was  careless.  no     ,     he  cared  for  kaidan  too  much  to  let  something  befall  him.      ❝     i  don’t  mind  crawling  the  window.  for  old  times’  sake.     ❞     he  shot  the  boy  a  cheeky  grin.      ❝     lemme  make  some  changes  and  i  can  probably  stay  the  weekend.  i  doubt  anybody’ll  miss  me  but  i  can  make  some  excuse  up.     ❞

When John smiled at him, Kaidan went totally and completely weak in the knees. It wasn’t fair for someone to affect him like that. He was thankful they were sitting down or he would have surely stumbled over his own two feet and embarrassed the both of them. “I have to admit, watching you climb in always makes me smile. I think I like us having our own little secrets like that.” He teased, taking another spoonful of the ice cream as he did. “Are you sure? Don’t get me wrong, if I can get a whole weekend I’ll take it! But please don’t get yourself in trouble because of me. There will be other weekends, I promise.” He never wanted to ask too much of John. To take up too much of his time. He was needy for it, of course. He was pretty sure love didn’t cover how he felt about the older boy, even though they hadn’t said the word yet. But he didn’t want him to end up getting into some kind of hot water because he moved his schedule around.

[alenkoh]

jshepard​:

there  were  things  about  serving  that  john  hadn’t  been  particularly  fond  of     …     losing  people     ,     losing  friends  had  been  one  of  them.  but  he  also  hated  all  the  killing  humans.  geth    ,     husks     ,    collectors     ,      reapers      …      those  were  all  a  different  story.  they  weren’t  senseless  killings.  john  doing  his  best  to  diffuse  a  situation  before  it  came  to  violence  but  sometimes  that  was  unavoidable.  those  moments  were  the  things  that  ate  away  at  him     ——     killing  and  being  unable  to  save  everyone  that  needed  saved.  

❝     kids     ?     ❞     he  echoes      ,     it  wasn’t  something  they’d  talked  about  before.  with  all  the  wonders  of  modern  medicine  he’s  certain  they  could  make  something  happen  or  just  end  up  adopting.  though  he  would  like  a  daughter  who  had  kaidan’s  eyes  and  the  smile  he  loved  to  see  so  much.  he  pulls  a  curious  face     ,     taking  a  second  to  really  consider  it.  he  didn’t  think  anderson  or  hackett  would  be  calling  them  back  to  a  war.  so  maybe  having  kids  wouldn’t  be  so  impossible.      ❝     ——     not  particularly     ,     but  i  can  see  us  raising  a  little  one.     ❞

john  kept  his  hands  on  kaidan’s  hips      ,     letting  hands  slide  from  their  place  to  around  kaidan’s  middle     ,    pulling  him  in  against  his  body  until  there  was  absolutely  no  room  left  to  be  apart.  these  were  the  moments  he  lived  for.  they  weren’t  dealing  with  a  timer  on  how  long  they  were  allowed  to  be  together      …     this  was  just  their  life  now.  happy  together.  able  to  do  everything  and  anything  they  wanted  when  they  talked  about  it  over  the  past  few  years.  they  were  just  a  normal  couple  now.

Kaidan can see when John gets lost for a moment. When he goes back to their past lives, if you can even really call it that. He can see when his husband falls back into his roll as a commander. When he looks like he’s reliving, replaying the fights, the wars, the losses in his head. Kaidan can see it in John because he can see it in himself. He can feel when he gets pulled back into a memory of another lifetime. Watching the most important person in his life die not once, but twice. And somehow, after everything, still come back to him. If anyone could do that, it was John Shepard. Or, hell, maybe it was Kaidan’s stubbornness. His pleading with whatever higher power that was out there that he would give anything to have their life together. The one they fought so hard for.

“Yeah. Maybe it’s silly. I mean, are we too old to have a kid running around? Maybe. But I still like the idea. You’d make a great dad.” Kaidan smiled at the thought. A stubborn little girl that looked just like John. Determined to give them both gray hair long before their time. Or a little boy with Kaidan’s black curls. Shy and quiet, but proud and strong just like John. Yeah, that would be nice. “It’s something to think about, anyway.” Smiling, Kaidan happily went where he was pulled. Being pressed against his husband was his favorite place to be.

“Though, we were just talking about how nice it was to have a pretty normal, boring life. A kid, or kids, might make it hard to keep that up.”

[alenkoh]

jshepard​:

❝     depends  on  my  schedule.  i’ll  figure  it  out  and  let  you  know.     ❞     he  already  called  off  for  their  little  dinner  meeting.  while  that  meant  very  little  in  the  gang  world     ,     there  were  only  so  many  times  he  could  make  an  excuse  about  needing  a  day  to  do  something  personal.  the  last  thing  the  reds  needed  to  know  about  was  kaidan.  he  scoops  up  a  spoonful  of  whipped  cream  then     ,     the  spoon  in  his  mouth  and  his  mouth  full  as  he  talks.      ❝     but  i  can  take  the  couch  if  i  am  able  to  stay  for  a  couple  of  days.     ❞     he  didn’t  know  how  mrs.  alenko  would  take  to  john  staying  in  kaidan’s  bedroom.

“Yeah, of course. No pressure! It mostly just means you won’t have to sneak in, unless you feel up to the challenge of climbing the tree in front of my window.” Kaidan teases, smiling as he watches the older boy take a bite of the ice cream. It was good to see him taking a moment to relax. He worked so hard that anytime he could get the boy to sit down and relax, he tried to make sure it happened. “You can just stay in my room. I don’t exactly want my mom to know about the stuff we might or might not do, but she trusts you. I think you’re her favorite, if I’m being honest.” Kaidan’s grin is teasing, but his words are honest. His mom treats John like he’s her other son. “Plus, I’d rather not pass up the chance to sleep beside you.” Or not sleep.

[alenkoh]

jshepard​:

❝     you  know  i  love  anything  your  mom  makes.     ❞     he  didn’t  really  have  a preference.  she  could  toss  him  a  baggie  with  a  ham  sandwich  in  it  and  he’d  still  be  impressed.  maybe  it  was  because  he  never  really  had  expectations.  nobody  to  hold  up  against  mrs.  alenko  and  her  wonderful  cooking.  his  thoughts  shift  to  wondering  if  mr.  alenko  would  be  present  for  dinner     …     there  was  something  in  john  that  made  him  hope  he  wouldn’t  be.  maybe  that  was  a  messed  up  thing  to  wish  for.      ❝     should  i  dress  up     ?     i  don’t  have  nice  clothes.     ❞

“No no, don’t worry about all that. Jeans and t-shirt are just fine.” Smiling, Kaidan reached his spoon over, taking a small bite of the banana split they were sharing. “Also, dad’s gone for a while. About two weeks. So if you’d like to stay for a while. I’m just saying, you know you’re always welcome.” Of course, Kaidan wanted John there all the time. He knew that wasn’t possible because of his job, but it didn’t make him want it less. And honestly, he didn’t care what his dad said anymore. He and John were together, had been for a long time, and that wasn’t changing anytime soon. Plus, there was a lock on his door for a reason.

[anothermusic-blog]

Visit Original Link

[alenkoh]

.

[alenkoh]

jshepard​:

with  eyes  closed     ,     john  focused  on  the  thick  reverberation  coming  from  kaidan’s  chest  as  he  spoke.  the  warmth  of  his  body  as  they  held  onto  one  another.  it  had  been  entirely  too  long.  too  long  since  he  was  able  to  be  held  in  his  arms  and  too  long  since  he  had  experienced  physical  contact.  which  was  stressful     …     sometimes  he  just  needed  a  hug  and  a  pat  on  the  back  to  tell  him  he’s  doing  the  right  thing.  but  he  doubted  he’d  believe  that  even  if  someone  said  it.  working  for  cerberus  didn’t  feel  right     ,     but  the  council  and  the  alliance  was  so  far  up  their  own  asses  about  the  collectors  and  reapers  that  he  had  no  choice.

❝     i  heard  you  were  promoted.     ❞     john  said  quietly  as  they  pulled  back.  not  fully     ,     but  enough  to  examine  each  other.  kaidan  didn’t  look  much  different.  maybe  more  defined  in  the  jawline  and  his  sideburns  were  a  little  grayer  than  john  remembered.  he  can’t  help  but  to  smile  fondly  at  the  sight.  he  was  glad  to  see  he’d  at  least  been  taking  care  of  himself  over  the  last  two  years.      ❝     i’m  proud  of  you.    ❞     his  voice  is  low.  as  if  telling  kaidan  secrets     …     nobody  else  needed  to  hear  their  conversation.

reaching     ,     john  set  a  hand  ‘pon  kaidan’s  cheek     ,     thumb  rubbing  idly  against  the  skin  below  the  corner  of  his  eye.  the  apple  of  his  cheek.  he  wanted  to  lean  in  and  kiss  him  but  he  didn’t  know  if  kaidan  still  wanted  that  or  not.  judging  by  his reaction  maybe  things  would  just  fall  back  to  how  they  were  before.  or  maybe  kaidan  would  want  nothing  to  do  with  him  once  he  was  told  that  john  wasn’t  exactly  fully  john  anymore.

Kaidan knew they must look a bit silly. Two men, covered head to toe in armor, guns strapped to their backs, and here they were embracing. Holding on to each other like their lives depended on it. Maybe they did. Kaidan had always known that John kept him happy. Kept him afloat, as it were. But he didn’t realize just how true that was until he lost him. Until he had to face a future where John Shepard wasn’t by his side. That seemed impossible to think about. A time where his CO, his boyfriend, wasn’t running headfirst into a fight so that other people didn’t have to. Fights that the two of them would face side by side. And now it was all possible again. That is, of course, if John still wanted him.

“You knew about that?” His voice was full of wonder as he couldn’t help but smile. The accomplishment had been hollow, to say the least, when he had no one to share it with. “You’ve been keeping tabs on me?” Kaidan teased, finally pulling back just enough that he could see the other’s face. Why did it make him so happy that John still cared enough to pay attention to the things he had done?

“Hey, I’m renting a room here on the Citadel.” Clearing his throat, he shifted from one foot to the other. Even though they had spent half their lives together, Kaidan was still painfully awkward sometimes. “If you wanted to talk, have some peace and quiet, we could go there? No pressure, of course! Especially if you’re busy. But it would be really nice to catch up.” It would be really nice to have us back.