Clarissa

love. write. capture.

[alessandraclr]

I can't even say her name

I don't know where to start. I just need to write to get this off of my chest. I feel cold, empty, and most of all guilty. I don't know how to live with this guilt. It hugs me with darkness. She literally comes up in my brain daily just like she normally used to do. Sometimes in the afternoon I unconsciously think we have to feed her. Sometimes in the supermarket I go to the dog section to look for treats to spoil her. Sometimes when it rains I automatically opens the back door to let her in. I want to share my mangoes with her. I want to share my bananas and all my snacks with her. But she's not there. She's not there. She's not..there. Not anymore. It hurst. It fucking hurts. I haven't been to her grave since the first week. I can't. I don't wanna see it. I look pass it everyday. I really thought that time heals. But it hasn't. I don't know if it will at this point. I heard her voice yesterday. I thought I did. Well, I believe I did. I really miss her. I miss her silly litte face. Her disobedience. Her funny jumps when she got excited. It hits me when I'm home alone. In the loneliness and silence she used to be there. Used to. Not anymore.

[alessandraclr]

I always get so anxious every time I have to travel. Packing, checking, re-checking. Making sure that I have brought everyting that I need to bring. Make sure that my belongings are safe in my room while I'm gone. That's why I always overpacked to. What if I need this? What if it's cold? What if it's hot? What if I don't want to wear this shirt and I want other options? And because I pack too much, I get more anxious. What if I have to pay for the extra weight? What if I bring more stuff when I get back and I don't have space anymore? I envy people like my boyfriend and my dad who can pack just less than 12 hours before they leave. Me, I have to start packing days before. Sometimes I write notes on my phone the list of things I have to bring in case I'll forget. In the mean time, if people need stuff that they forgot to bring, pretty sure I'll have extra that they can borrow.

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Japanese restaurants

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Osaka morning

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Roxy, my baby

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I think the most important thing to see in other people is how they handle a problem. 

You can have friends that have the same type of humor, hobbies. Or even different ones and still be friends. Everyone can have the craziest times with their loved ones once they know each other.

But when trouble comes, how you handle the problem together, how you solve it and overcome it, that’s when you really know your partners.

Also, when the trouble only comes to you and not the others, you can really see what kind of person they are. Do they make you feel better? Or worse?

I’m confused, honestly. Do I have to just accept how they make me feel, whether it’s a good feeling or a bad one. Or do I have to find new friends that make me feel better than before?

Nobody makes other people feel great all the time right? I mean, we’re still human. Sometimes we make others annoyed at you. Probably we’re not really sure if they are in need of our presence so we disappoint them.

The thing about disappointment is that it’s stuck in your brain. Sometimes we let it go but they repeat the mistake they made over and over and you remember. Then you’re not sure if you should accept it as it is or move on and find others that doesn’t disappoint you?

The next question is, will you find others that will never disappoint you? Then we go back to the fact that we are all just humans. We are also not sure if we, ourselves ever disappoint other people with our acts but they still keep us around anyway.

What kind of train are we making here? A train of forgiveness? Or a train of revenge?

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Double

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Nursing

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Orange blossom

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This not-so-little guy was building his house

Loving the bumblebee color on him.

Desa Turgo, Merapi, Sleman, Yogyakarta

[inamachan]

untitled by Max Cleary on Flickr.